I wouldn't call it a midlife crisis, but it involves a lot of crying anyway. Lots of reflection on how I've basically kept people away all my life. Sort of. Such fear of getting close to people. Such fear of seeing people for who they are and accepting it and living with it. Such fear of accepting my faults. And inattention to myself and my needs. I'm much better at addressing the latter. The former... oh I'm full of regrets this woman with no regrets. Yes, there's always time and I'll get to that. But there's so much time lost. And people lost.
What is sparking this is M's gotten back together with a woman he lived with 35 years ago. It's still VERY new but I hope it works for him because he seems so excited. It means I finally am able to process my relationship with him. And understand how much I held him off. And how much I took him for granted. And how much I didn't deal with how sensitive he is and didn't listen to his needs - kind of put down his sensitivity. He only walked away once in 25 years, which is a credit to his patience and endurance. Yes there were always extenuating circumstances - my mental health, his physical health, but I so wish I would have / could have worked through it. And been nicer.
Which is kind of bullshit because it is what it is and was what it was and I just need to move forward from now. But someone said I'm allowed to wallow a little, and I am.
I hate this lens I'm looking through. It's damn clear and I see what an impact I've had over the years. MY viewpoint was right. MY needs were paramount. The way *I* wanted to communicate was the best. Sigh. Other people have walked out of my life, and rightly so. Family didn't but I'm sure there were times they wish they could/did.
SIGH. Life goes on. It will be good...but this processing shit sucks. :-)
