I'm sitting here in Starbucks using the internet while the other 6 climb in Joshua Tree. I needed some time alone. And I need to work some things out. M and I had a crying discussion this morning, and I just couldn't pretend to be happy or switch my mood fast enough. I have always found healing and comfort and clarity in writing on this blog, and needed it.
M is always very clear about what he will and won't put up with. I have behaviors which he not only doesn't like, but will not live with long term, or for that matter short term.
I have ways of coping which I've gotten accustomed to and which may not be good for other people, most especially a partner. But I've also tried way too hard to respond to everything he articulates rather than taking a stand and saying this is the way I am.
So, adulthood. And needing to eat. And bipolar. And nastiness. And silence.
Where to start?
Going back to the question of what is me and what I want to change and can change and do not want to or cannot want to. [Ha, I like that last one. Very subconscious-ish.]
What is being an adult? Is it interacting in a nice way to others no matter the feeling you have? Seems like this is what I am not good at. I bristle and push and snap. I have always used something as a reason. But perhaps it's time to start believing I have the power. And using it for good rather than evil.
I will say I have a tendency to have a prickly personality. I am brusque. I am harsh. Blunt. Tempering that a bit is a good thing.
M says rightly so that having psychological issues or eating issues should not make it ok for me to treat others like crap. I asked a friend yesterday if she knew anyone who had to eat to stay happy, and she said the only people she knows that have the food issue are guys and they simply stop and say dully that they need to eat. [ie, my interpretation, they don't get nasty.]
But, it's more than what he said this morning. When I'm depressed I don't treat people like crap, I withdraw, which he also doesn't like. Of course, I'm sure it's not fun. But I'm not attacking. I don't think. When I get bipolar ish I can get nasty, but an I control it more?
I this morning took a stand and said I need to be able to be silent when I'm feeling a negativity. M does not like this at all, but I have to take a stand on something. I cannot always speak, for speaking might release bad things, or start a conversation I do not want to have.
What are things I want?
- Him to look me in the eye more.
- Him to ask me direct requests rather than 'if you'd like to do this...'. So afraid of being a burden, or so unsure of my ability to be able to say no, that doesn't want to express an explicit request.
- Him to believe I can be an adult and go on that assumption. In the way that is me and not necessarily what he considers from his perspective to be.
- Him to interact with me in a nice way when he's feeling good, and not do this sarcastic you are crap attitude which is supposedly funny all the time.
He has this tendency to repeat things, which, when they were lovey dovey was a great trait. But, when it's about something he doesn't like, feels like daggers/needles poking me over and over and over. Sometimes he says he repeats because I don't acknowledge what he's said, but it's really just a trait.
Is a relationship always this much work? Perhaps for it to continue?
I hate the feeling that I'm with our friends and him and I watch to see how much people say thank you, to see how much others acknowledge each other, to see what tone of voice they use with each other, to basically compare myself to others.
Is a dull voice an east cost thing? Is it a me thing?
I currently feel like a lower order human being. I don't like that feeling. Noone's forcing that designation on me, but given all the crap I mentioned above, I do feel like a lower order human being. Everyone else is well adjusted and nice to other people and speaks in a nice voice. Everyone else has fun and is interesting and is not self centered.
I do not feel a loving connection half the time. I feel like I'm pedaling to catch up to what he wants, and to what I should be. And I'm not there. And thus not an adult. And thus a lower order human being. Which is not a way to feel in a relationship.
Sometimes two people just don't work together. They may be great on their own, but together make problems. Make the equation 1+1=.5 I sometimes feel that way and sometimes don't. I sometimes feel I'm in the relationship because it's good for me to learn these things. Which all makes it sound very clinical. But in fact there is a spark - more so than I ever felt when I was married, and as I said, it's what makes me willing to continue. But, do I make this relationship more difficult than it should be? Do we both? It's always more than one person...I know that.
I want. What do I want? That's what I need to follow.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? That's what I need to believe is within my control.