Had the rug pulled out from under my feet on Wednesday. My general manager had a discussion with me that he has noticed and others have commented to him that I have been... and I forget the exact phrasing. Irritable? Negative? But basically he said if it continued then I would be gone. Not those exact words. He did say he'd be willing to help me by calling attention to the times I do it - so it's not like he already made up my mind and I am gone which is GREAT.
So, I know I've had a couple reactions that were completely outside the realm of how a normal person would react. But I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not. So, it's time to go into survival mode. And that means I have to register as a person with a disability and get accommodation. The only accommodation I want is time to go to a therapist every week and not have to make up the time. I also have talked to a friend at work and asked that we go for a walk several times a week at lunchtime. Get out of the office. Smooth out my day.
Let me tell you, I may sound calm, but it SUCKS. I do not want to label myself. I don't want to be protected by the EEOC and ADA. But realistically, I have occasional extreme responses. I am overly irritated at times. And I need to be protected. If I lose this job, I really don't know what I would do. Likely continue on, but my initial bad thoughts were that I would give up.
We have a external management company - PEO it's called. So I called our contact there and 'came out'. And, as often is the case, you start talking about your mental health issues and the person you are talking to has a relative or friend with a mental health issue. In this case, her daughter has bipolar. Regular bipolar which I consider to be so much more difficult. Not that I live it... but it just seems like it would be worse. She has done some investigation about the process - it is of course complicated. But I will have help, which is a great thing.
I just so happened to have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, so it was good to discuss. I might get a referral for a therapist. I hate hate hate the idea of a therapist. I don't want to be thinking about this and looking at my navel again, but I have to. I have to figure out ways to deal with this and not cause more issues. And keep the job. And maybe in the process get better at maintaining relationships.
Lordy. Here are a couple dahlias to smooth out this post. I saw the results of a competition in Golden Gate Park. I think it's my new favorite flower.