Wonder if this will be me

 Did google hear me talking about this?

 Care professor Helena Larsson and colleagues in Sweden have written about a gradual “turning out of the lights” in old age. They argue that people steadily let go of life, until they reach a point where they are ready to turn off the outside world. Larsson’s team raises the question of whether this might be inevitable for us all.  

This need not be the consequence of a lifetime of suffering, or a response to intolerable physical pain. Tiredness of life also seems to arise in people who consider themselves to have lived fulfilling lives.

https://theconversation.com/tiredness-of-life-the-growing-phenomenon-in-western-society-203934?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Let me note I'm not tired of life. But having my niece graduate and seeing her just starting her life coinciding with me talking to a financial advisor about when to retire and how much money I'll need makes me realize I'm towards the end of my life (with a BIG ish). 

What do I want for the future? I'm not sure. I better figure it out soon though. I'm running out of time. I want that time to be healthy time too.

From My Oxford Year - book

 "Losing someone is hard enough. But death without the process of dying is an abomination. It takes nine months to create life; it feels unnatural, a sin against nature, that the reverse shouldn't also have its time.  Time to let go of the known as we take hold of the unknown.

Maybe in this, an Oxenford can be shared. Maybe it's not just for the person crossing the river, but also for those left on the bank. Looking into a loved's one's eyes, seeing the knowing there, the inevitability, and telling them, I love you. My love is with you to your end; yours will be with me until mine.

Because the love doesn't die, does it?

What Cecilia said at Oliver's funeral: Love well those who are dying, so that they may die in love."

The journey is over.

 The journey is over with my brother. He decided soon after I returned that he had had enough. Everyone returned to his side and we were all there when he died. Well, not literally since he died in the middle of the night - only my brother was sleeping in the room with him. We all arrived, and I needed to mark the event somehow, so found the below on his wall, and read it out loud. So perfect. Trees and he were connected, and he had deep roots. I miss him, and I miss the closeness with my siblings. It will take work to keep that up. Gotta do it.

2023 starting off

 It's a new year people! On the second day of the new year I'm treating myself right. Slept in, taking it easy. Good for me.

Came back from a rough vacation. Christmastime in the hospital. My ALS brother went to emergency room and then ICU and then RACU several days before Christmas and then after Christmas. Often kind of out of it. When in ICU we weren't sure if he would live for many days. But in the end, he continues to live though he has said no dialysis. Thing is, that doesn't mean you can't get tons of treatment for all the things that are associated with bad kidneys. It was so exhausting. I don't know how people do this long term. And I don't know how the nurses do it at all.

One thing I was proud of was calling a doctor on his language. Using the term normal brain when saying what my brother does not have. The nurse afterwards apologized and also thanked me for calling him on it. He's a resident apparently.

I  really really need to work on my health care proxy. And so should you.

M's woman is leaving later this week. Not working out. I don't know why not, but maybe I'll find out. I'm happy for the opportunity to be a better friend. I've mostly distanced myself enough to really think of it as a friendship. Which it should be. Be happy for him! And also maybe do go on a date or two.

OH made another quilt and made the recipient cry.  Yay!  ;-)