Parallels

Thanks all for your comments. Turns out PMS-ing didn't help matters - though I firmly believe that all PMS does is make matters come more to light, and yes, a little bit more difficult.

And it also turns out that three friends, M and D and M (my M), have parallel relationships. M and D are women and were talking about their relationships, and I sat there and said, um, I'm like your partners. They turn to me with a crazed look, 'why do you do xxx then??'. ACK! I backed away from that one. But it was interesting to hear their perspectives at least for a little while - coming from a woman's mouth. My M did talk to them at least a little bit apparently, so that was good.

M and I need to get out our Myers Briggs results and use those as a launching point for discussions about us. I'm not a firm believer in ultimate power of MB but it's a great starting point for discussion. I'll never forget participating in a training at an old job. They had people with similar markers and then opposite markers perform a task, and it was so interesting how frustrating one experience was and how easy the other was. And good to know that I need to be aware of these different perspectives.

I'm back at home and must get back into a groove of working. Billy's glad to have us back, though leaving his grass inside caused all sorts of bugs to grown and prosper, which is quite disgusting. The grass is back outside. M bought him a toy and we'll see if he can figure it out (it holds treats and he has to roll it to get one out - we haven't demonstrated it yet).

Hope you all had good holidays. I'll hopefully get to reading later.

Adulthood

I'm sitting here in Starbucks using the internet while the other 6 climb in Joshua Tree. I needed some time alone. And I need to work some things out. M and I had a crying discussion this morning, and I just couldn't pretend to be happy or switch my mood fast enough. I have always found healing and comfort and clarity in writing on this blog, and needed it.

M is always very clear about what he will and won't put up with. I have behaviors which he not only doesn't like, but will not live with long term, or for that matter short term.

I have ways of coping which I've gotten accustomed to and which may not be good for other people, most especially a partner. But I've also tried way too hard to respond to everything he articulates rather than taking a stand and saying this is the way I am.

So, adulthood. And needing to eat. And bipolar. And nastiness. And silence.

Where to start?

Going back to the question of what is me and what I want to change and can change and do not want to or cannot want to. [Ha, I like that last one. Very subconscious-ish.]

What is being an adult? Is it interacting in a nice way to others no matter the feeling you have? Seems like this is what I am not good at. I bristle and push and snap. I have always used something as a reason. But perhaps it's time to start believing I have the power. And using it for good rather than evil.

I will say I have a tendency to have a prickly personality. I am brusque. I am harsh. Blunt. Tempering that a bit is a good thing.

M says rightly so that having psychological issues or eating issues should not make it ok for me to treat others like crap. I asked a friend yesterday if she knew anyone who had to eat to stay happy, and she said the only people she knows that have the food issue are guys and they simply stop and say dully that they need to eat. [ie, my interpretation, they don't get nasty.]

But, it's more than what he said this morning. When I'm depressed I don't treat people like crap, I withdraw, which he also doesn't like. Of course, I'm sure it's not fun. But I'm not attacking. I don't think. When I get bipolar ish I can get nasty, but an I control it more?

I this morning took a stand and said I need to be able to be silent when I'm feeling a negativity. M does not like this at all, but I have to take a stand on something. I cannot always speak, for speaking might release bad things, or start a conversation I do not want to have.

What are things I want?
- Him to look me in the eye more.
- Him to ask me direct requests rather than 'if you'd like to do this...'. So afraid of being a burden, or so unsure of my ability to be able to say no, that doesn't want to express an explicit request.
- Him to believe I can be an adult and go on that assumption. In the way that is me and not necessarily what he considers from his perspective to be.
- Him to interact with me in a nice way when he's feeling good, and not do this sarcastic you are crap attitude which is supposedly funny all the time.

He has this tendency to repeat things, which, when they were lovey dovey was a great trait. But, when it's about something he doesn't like, feels like daggers/needles poking me over and over and over. Sometimes he says he repeats because I don't acknowledge what he's said, but it's really just a trait.

Is a relationship always this much work? Perhaps for it to continue?

I hate the feeling that I'm with our friends and him and I watch to see how much people say thank you, to see how much others acknowledge each other, to see what tone of voice they use with each other, to basically compare myself to others.

Is a dull voice an east cost thing? Is it a me thing?

I currently feel like a lower order human being. I don't like that feeling. Noone's forcing that designation on me, but given all the crap I mentioned above, I do feel like a lower order human being. Everyone else is well adjusted and nice to other people and speaks in a nice voice. Everyone else has fun and is interesting and is not self centered.

I do not feel a loving connection half the time. I feel like I'm pedaling to catch up to what he wants, and to what I should be. And I'm not there. And thus not an adult. And thus a lower order human being. Which is not a way to feel in a relationship.

Sometimes two people just don't work together. They may be great on their own, but together make problems. Make the equation 1+1=.5 I sometimes feel that way and sometimes don't. I sometimes feel I'm in the relationship because it's good for me to learn these things. Which all makes it sound very clinical. But in fact there is a spark - more so than I ever felt when I was married, and as I said, it's what makes me willing to continue. But, do I make this relationship more difficult than it should be? Do we both? It's always more than one person...I know that.

I want. What do I want? That's what I need to follow.

Who am I? Who do I want to be? That's what I need to believe is within my control.

Happy early Thanksgiving

We might be trying to skip out of town very early. M has the days off, and I can work from anywhere. I may check in at some point, but maybe not, so wanted to leave you with the happy thought of at least one turkey not being killed for a Thanksgiving table.

(ew.)

When worlds collide

A glimpse into living with an engineer.

Me: "Hey, just so you know, I turned down the refrigerator since it was at its highest setting."

Him: "You mean you turned it up."

Me: "No, I turned it down from 7 to 5"

Him: "You turned the temperature up."

Views from our balcony

At first I left no space between the photos but I think it does both an injustice to do that. I'm back from my home area. A whirlwind, but I got to see Fall, which was great. And see some friends, which of course is also great. I can't think of anything really exciting to tell. Except maybe that my friend's dog was incredibly excited to see me and I didn't even realize it - I just said don't lick me! My friend B said the dog never squeaks and she did when I showed up. I think it's because I was there when they first got her - I think I was living with them. And I've been gone a bit. So I think she remembered me. Yay! Billy gets excited but not THAT excited.

wonder

Sitting at my computer last night I heard something hit the sliding glass door. Then again, and when I looked, it was a hummingbird trying to get inside, hitting the glass door over and over. I jumped up and told it not to do it, over and over, but it for some reason wouldn't listen. I was kind of paralyzed because I didn't want to open the door and have it come in. M heard me and came out to see, while I went out the other door. In the meantime he went outside and was trying to catch it. I was very scared, since they seem so fragile, and I remembered the moth I accidentally killed. But he got it in his hands like a butterfly, and it simply sat there, apparently holding on to his fingers with its tiny little feet. So weird and so amazing. It just sat there and could have continued, but we wanted it to be free so sent it off flying upward drunkenly into the night.

Now I obsess about how it is, whether we should have brought it to the feeder to drink before it flew off, why it was hitting the glass. I gotta let it go. Deep breath...

book

Churlita is always talking about the books she has read. Seems I'm an all or nothing type of gal. I find a book I like - it consumes me until I finish it. And then I feel hesitant to start another, since I'll get consumed again. But I'll get over that.

In the meantime, here's a book that consumed me:
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray

It was perfect at the time. A very easy read, almost to the point of being for teens, but too much explicit content to really be a teen book in my opinion. And has the supernatural in it, etc.

I found it at a thrift store. I don't mind spending money on books there, as it goes to a good cause. And I can donate it back!

shampooooo

M and I had a minor-ish altercation, and I went to take a shower. As I'm washing my hair, the lyrics "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair" came to my head. I was just trying to get rid of the altercation in my head and I'm old enough to remember the Clairol commercial. I looked up the lyrics later, and hoo boy! They are good advice and something I should have had in my life.

Only later did I realize how the words on a shampoo bottle are appropriate in such a context: Lather, rinse, repeat.

Visiting home

Turns out I'm going back east for work next week. I'm excited! It will be a crazy fast trip, but I'll see friends and family, my therapist and my trainer, and meet the staff I interact with remotely.

But for now, I have to work...

Oh, a new part of my exercise regimen: I put the bag of recycling outside the door and run up and down the stairs to get one piece of paper at a time. Man, it's good exercise! Just tried it this morning. I have to do something because I feel stuff assembling on my hips and in my face. Once in a while recently I like that feeling, but mostly I don't.

Sharing a recipe

I am reminded from Churlita's post that I have not shared a recipe I found that I really liked (she talks about all this good food she makes and doesn't share recipes! what a wench... kidding of course).

Tofu Triangles in Creamy Nut Butter Sauce

As it notes in the comments, even meat eaters would like it. I will also note that I did not have all of the ingredients but it still came out pretty well. Ingredients I did not have were peanut/sesame oil (used olive oil), rice vinegar (used red wine vinegar), or tamari (used extra soy sauce). I will note that I would lower the heat a little before putting in the cream sauce - mine disappeared too quickly so it wasn't really sauce-y, which I think would have been nice to have.