You reached out for the one you tried to destroy

Happy Tuesday!  Had a great weekend. Hanging out, eating, a little climbing, beautiful weather, tide pools. Down by Morro Bay. If I weren't so lazy I'd upload a photo to here. Maybe later. And, oh, it turns out that it makes me more attractive to M if some other guy wants to date me. Interesting. My mantra with him is forgive but don't forget. So I'll have fun. But given my last year... there's a space deep inside that noone's getting to any time soon. If ever? There's a part of me that wonders if I should even be there, because therein lies insecurities and a different way of acting. If I am comfortable with myself and stand up for myself but am not obnoxious, then do I ever really open myself up for devastation? Not sure. How do you open yourself up but not lose yourself?

BTW, starting now to think about what 2 other friends and I are going to do for our 50th in 3 years... We're gonna do something fun!

Dumped

Not surprisingly, I was dumped on Tuesday morning. Via email of all things. Can't spend his life worrying about whether or not I'll get sick. I have too many health issues. (I'm assuming he means getting migraines, having bipolar 2, and having herpes - the trifecta).  It's a first. The first time I've been dumped because of physical limitations. It tore a hole in me for a little bit, but then realized I feel free again. I don't need to worry about what someone else is thinking of me, of being open enough, sexy enough, smart enough, strong enough, healthy enough.

I will miss him though. Marvellously complex man with an amazing body, and younger than me! I knew though from the one short hike we did that I couldn't keep up with him, so in the end it's good it ended now. Because he would have broken my heart any later. As it is now, I'm just sad. I would love to have gotten to know him better, and to see what I could become alongside him.

And, it created that break with M that I needed, that we needed. He told me last night that he felt kicked in the stomach when he found out I was dating - even though he said he was fine he wasn't. But then again, felt really sad for me when he found out I was dumped. So, maybe we can be friends for real. He did say basically that he could relate to the guy since he thought essentially the same thing when he was younger. Even with me he didn't really like it much but could deal. Ah, that's my M... always open and blunt. And perhaps there's hope for the other guy 15 years from now.

updater

Well, how about you go away for a weekend to the mountains to relax with your date, and after hiking for 35 minutes you realize you're getting a headache, and want to stop, but don't. So at the last 10 minutes before the car a migraine just blows your body away such that you throw up 3 times and get so weak you have to sit down. (and a dog comes by and tries to eat your vomit, also). Ah yes, that's what I call making memories. And throw up 3 more times after getting into the car (but managed to get out of the car to do so). And throw up three or four times in the car to the hotel that you suddenly have to stay in instead of a campground. And throw up about 6-7 times in the hotel before and after collapsing into bed. Ah, that's what I call a pleasant Saturday.

Yes, that was lovely. And Sunday I kinda had a different headache all day.

So I guess I'm not so perfect after all.

I am coming to hate that first glow of a relationship. Ah, everything is sunshine and rainbows, until it's not. And then what happens? Reality. Making it through reality is the hard part. Not sure it will happen with this one, but at least I don't have my entire heart invested in it! M knows that there's another boy - his biggest concern is that Billy be treated well!  Written only semi-jokingly.

All this time goes by and that's all I write?  Yep!!!  I gotta go visit y'all.  (The problem is that I don't get on this computer too much anymore...and likely I"ve already said that...)