I have such delayed reactions. Or maybe things just need time to sink deep into my psyche. My normal climbing partner won’t be able to climb with me in the fall. So I have to find a new one. Yet, I do have this fear about my physical ability getting in the way of most climbers (hence the delayed reaction comment – the guy who dumped me due to my health issues). Climbers are hard core out here! And I fear being the one responsible since what if I make a mistake? I’ve been so spoiled – friends with a guy who has planning in his DNA – and knows tons of places/things to do. How do you find people who are at your same level or who are willing to be patient with you? Skiiing – I don’t like to go fast and most people do. Biking – I am scared to go over big logs. Climbing – I have to eat regularly, and I get stupid at the end of a day. Have only done one long climb in my life. I am slow. Hiking – not in the best shape (OK, that one I can do something about). But doing things alone – though I can do them – it’s indeed more fun to do things with other people. I love the outdoors, but not sure how motivated I am to be the driving force to push someone out there. Or even to push myself out there by myself. I’ll get over this likely, but in a weird place right now. When I talk with potential climbing partners, do I say what my limitations are… or try to just take care of them without making it a big deal? If I ignore my limitations maybe they won’t exist? I managed to do a big long climb, which I never thought I could. BUT if my friend hadn’t known the rap down… I would have been in deep crap. I’m good at a lot of things and do well given my limitations. I’m not really great at any one thing – I’m good. Oh, and I’ve lost a little bit of desire for the radio station since there’s a guy there who went NUTS over me and it’s gotten weird – I tried so hard to maintain a friendship but I may have just reached my limit.
There is also the whole bipolar 2 thing – which I’m tired of dealing with even though it’s so much better it’s never completely gone. And the fact that I might end up like my mom. Who will want all this shit? And more importantly, how do I take care of myself when all this shit hits the fan?
OK, ending in a high note… um… helped out at the Habitate ReStore and it was fun. I like to be useful. And make sure stuff gets reused. And Habitat has funds for building affordable housing.