Landing

OK, after you've taken the big step, jumped off the cliff, how do you land? How do you figure out where to land? How best to do it? Especially if you've never done it before. Listen to your gut, HA! I don't know what my gut is saying. Right now it sounds like gurgle gurgle. How long do I stay away? If I do go back, how do I go back? When? What's the best way? If I go back and things don't work out, that's REALLY it. Of course, I had said this would be it... Why would I fear the longer I stay away the more used to being without him I would be, and thus that would be it. How would that not be making an effort? Wish someone would answer all these questions for me...

I use the metaphor of jumping off a cliff, because I was reading some old journals/poems of mine. Man, I was depressed back then and didn't know how to seek help... But in one poem/writing I wrote about the precipice drawing me near and jumping off, and only by jumping off did I realize I have wings to fly. I went hanggliding once, tandem, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. But jumping off that cliff with the guy was rough.

50 Ways to Leave your Lover

I remember being a little girl, watching the Miss America pageant, and someone - Bob Barker ? - sang this song as the women paraded by. For some reason it was SO funny that I laughed hysterically with my sister such that my stomach hurt. As well as my face. [it's killin' me, har har]

Think about the song. Must have been written by a man. Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.

That's crap. Very tempting, but crap. Of course, if someone is psychotic and going to come after you with a knife or something if you tell them you are leaving, well, then it's not crap. But otherwise it is.

What doesn't kill you / Listen to your gut

Makes you stronger, right? I thought it would be the end of my world when I walked out the door. My husband is a good man, and I thought all would hate me, no friends in the world. But apparently this is not so. My husband even told his parents, and THEY don't hate me. Amazing. Not that that solves all my issues, but it's a lesson learned. People know more than you think they know, and even if they don't know, some people are non-judgemental and will support an adult's right to make a choice. Sigh. Going back to the concept of you can make tough decisions and still be a good person. Or was that a bad girl? :)

Maybe I need to change my motto on this blog to Listen to your Gut. Well, it's sort of an associated idea to having no regrets. If you listen to yourself, you will do what is right for you, and ultimately have no regrets. Even if later the decision has consequences you didn't expect, negative ones. Hell, Oprah writes it so it must be true! But do I want my stomach to have even MORE control over my life? Whew, it's going to get bloated.

Living in a basement sucks...but for a temporary home, it's a fine thing. Thankfully I have friends who will open their lives to me. The trouble is I'm getting used to the idea of a shorter commute!

Ripping off the band-aid

Hmm... that might not be the best analogy. What I'm trying to convey is the sense of doing something that hurts to hopefully get to something that is better. The thing is, you wouldn't rip off a band-aid unless the flesh underneath had healed. And the flesh underneath right now is a bit ragged, crusty, pus-y (ie, oozing pus, not pussy), and whatever other disgusting metaphor you can think of.

What's up? Well, I left my husband for a couple days. IE, not a vacation, but rather get away, make a point, I'm done with the way it has been and something radical must be done to change it. But I'm fucking scared.

Not going to be a productive day at work.

Save the turtle, save the world

Driving this morning to work along a waterway, saw an object in the road. Avoided it, and wondered what it was so looked in the rear view mirror (thankfully there was a stop light). And saw it move! It was a turtle! So, two lane road on either side of a median. 35 mph zone, but most people, including me, go faster. It was amazing that he hadn't gotten run over. So, I turned off, got out of the car, and went to transport him to a safe place. Of course, the cars coming at me didn't know what the hell I was doing, so I pointed down at the turtle. He was huge! Like one foot long. And moved fairly quickly once I tried to get him. But I managed to pick him up by his shell and carry him to the other side of the road. He hissed. As I drove off, I worried that I hadn't brought him close enough to the water, but he was probably turtle-cussing me out because he wanted to be on the OTHER side, near his girlfriend or whatever.

PS-I've been told it might have been a snapping turtle, which could have whipped its head around and bitten off a finger. Ack! But it didn't... Also, possibly a female going to find a place to lay eggs.

Find your truths where you can

A quote from Christina Ricci in some girly magazine:
You can be a bad girls and still be a nice person. Who says the two are mutually exclusive?

I'm being very bad, but am a nice person. Wonder if there will be an explosion/reaction if they get too close?

Civic Duty

Well, I am back at work after completing my civic duty for three days - jury duty. Thankfully I got on a relatively simple assault and battery case. They were choosing jurors for a murder trial and some other long trial and that would have SUCKED. For one of those they are sequestering the jurors. I also managed to avoid a rape case. Whew...

You may call me Madam Foreperson from now on... :-) I volunteered for the job because noone else wanted it. Luckily we had a reasonable group so all I did was make sure everyone spoke. Heard horror stories of some man harassing/belittling two female jurors. Ugh.

Whew. Worked hard for my stipend!