From a book (romance novel)

 I'll be honest: you've always scared me.  By putting my trust in you and in our relationship, I'm exposing myself to the kind of hurt that I won't recover from easily. But I think you've earned that place, and I'm ready to take that leap.  Because you've challenged me to think about the shield around my heart and who deserves to get past it. I'm certain that you're my safe space. That I can be exactly who I am with you, and you won't judge me for it.  You'll actually love me for it. And I want to be that safe space for you, too. When you've had a terrible day or something's gone wrong, I want you to think of me and my arms as your place of comfort.

2021

 I didn't realize Google took over blogger... guess I should know that.

It's 2021! Crazy.

- Didn't work out with M. I'm the bull and he's the china shop. And more reasons of course. But still friends. Trying to be more removed friends.

- Brother with ALS is now losing his voice and use of right arm. Difficult to see.

- Have a year almost of 2x week yoga practice under my belt. It has helped so much in many ways.

- Try to do a daily inner smile meditation. It's changed me and changed my outlook.

- I'm able to access my emotions more easily. Case in point, I was so overwhelmed at inauguration I was crying. Never have allowed myself (OK much) to do that.

- More new projects at work and working with different people. Interesting and nice.

- Made a quilt for my old roommate. Proud of it.

- Taking up knitting again soon. Got a lot of free amazing wool...

I remember the days when blogging was done a lot by us nonprofessionals. Times change... :-)

The passing of a DJ

A larger than life DJ at WFMU passed last week. X-Ray Burns. His partner in crime, Glen Jones, has been doing a few amazing broadcasts, as have other DJs. It got me thinking about what music I might want for my wake/funeral, so want to start a list for when I die, whenever that may be. All songs have a meaning, but not telling what it is. It might be in some cases that I just like the damn song! Or want to harass my loved ones who come to the funeral (not really...).

In no particular order:
- The Flamingos - Only have eyes for you
- Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
- Counting Crows - Time and Time Again
- Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle
- Beatles - Here comes the sun
- Einsturzende Neubauten - Silence is Sexy
- Vivaldi - the Four Seasons - Spring
- Sara Petite - We shouldn't be doing this
- Dessa - Beekeeper (Or Old Crow, or Kites)
- Nelson Eddy andJeanette McDonald -
- Julie Andrews - Sound of Music
- Tom Waits - Jersey Girl
- Paul McCartney - Let 'em in
-

Happy VD!

No, I do not have yet another VD.  But it's the big Valentine's Day tomorrow, and surprisingly I have a valentine that you wouldn't have maybe guessed. Though, I think many would have guessed.

Oh my, the saga.
J and I went away for a weekend.
J told me then he was going away the next weekend-ish with a woman he had mentioned before. I had no claims on him but was pissed.
When he returned I told him I only wanted to be exclusive, and he chose to do that with me.
Things were good, except I wanted to remain friends with M (remember M who I moved out here with?). J said it sounded like I hadn't really processed the thing with M.
So I sat down with M to talk about how to be friends.
M comes back to me after that weekend saying he's still in love with me. [cue the cliche meter]
I was all pissed but felt like I had to process it, and so felt I needed to retreat from exclusive with J.
In conversations with M, we were open, honest, and communicating like real people and not two hurt people beating on each other.
Before Christmas I told J what M had said and that I was talking with him.
When I was away for Christmas it was stressful to be interacting with both of them.
I returned and became depressed (I had also stopped one of my meds before Christmas) because I thought I could somehow date both of them, but realized I did not have the emotional capacity to do so.
So I chose M. And was very sad for a week or two, and I'm getting over it.
But I'm still scared of this thing with M. Will it really work? Not sure. But I figured I spent 2018 on working on myself. 2019 will be the year of relationship work.

Crazy. Stupid. Love.

And, I'm off

To the races. Met a guy who I like. Have had sex which is quite good. I don't want to be in a relationship but there it is. Therapist has been away for a month+ and seeing her on Wednesday and so there will be a lot to talk about.

That being said, I fear he might just be so excited to have a 'relationship' and actually have an orgasm that that's what is driving everything. He writes poetry about me, he wants to be with me, and I'm cautious. He had said he had feelings for another woman and was quite open about it on Friday and I just said screw it I'll live in the moment, and I really wanted to have sex. And we ended up spending a lot of time together on the weekend and have plans for next weekend. 

But in the meantime, he said he would text me last night and didn't and hasn't been in touch this morning. Focusing on the other woman?  Who knows. Good thing is I can ask all these questions when we speak and from what I can tell he's honest. I don't need him being all 'gotta have you' and then pull back. I don't like being the other woman - I've been there done that and don't ever want to do it again. But it's nice to even have a fake relationship for a while, if it is fake.

Oh, he's recovering alcoholic (10 months), been in a lot of therapy, and in touch with his feelings and able to communicate them. And he's ok with my issues. So, that to me is a good basis.

Off to QUILT

Moving forward using all my breath

Yeah, the rest doesn't really apply.

Seven months later... Still no second job. It's way too comfortable to only work half time.

Biggest news:

1) my brother was diagnosed with ALS. I've been through several stages of grief, and trying to move forward and not block out the feelings.

2) I'm doing OK Cupid. It's so weird, this online dating thing. Being able to say no. Being able to say yes. It's strange. I did finally tell M that I'm doing it, and it was as if nothing had happened. Which is great. I worry and in the end that energy could have been used for something else.

Like making a damn quilt for my sister!!  Gotta get it done by Christmas. It will be a more traditional quilt (less creative) but it will have positive descriptive words about her all over it, so she can see it.

Ho ho  ho

Dumpster diving for dinner

Um, literally. I had to write this because I just can't believe I did it.

There was leftover food that was out on the table everyone can access. Before she left for the day my colleague threw the remainder in the compost bin. There were not many people around today. So after my colleague left I went and pulled out the cheese cubes, containers of baba ganouj and hummus, carrot sticks, grape tomatoes, and olives.  My arms in the end smelled like I had bathed in a greek dishwasher. Insane, but delicious, and free, and not wasteful.

If there is any version of this is your life or a question someone I'm going to marry asks me - what was your potentially most embarrassing moment, this would be it.

Though it almost ties a real embarrassing moment - freezing my vegetable scraps and egg shells and bringing them to the climbing gym to put into the compost and dropping the bag before I made it there so frozen vegetable pieces and egg shells scattered all over the floor and people had to help me pick it up. THAT happened. I think I may have left the gym that evening.  I remember someone saying "are those frozen vegetable pieces??".

Oh, and I feel so much better after 3.5 months of recuperation and am almost thinking about what to do in the future.