I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt like it. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel like it, but it seems to have surfaced.
My initial point of doing this blog was vomit up all the shit I was going through, anonymously. It was 'safe'. I also wanted to feel like I had more friends/people I knew because it felt like my personal life was falling apart (which it was) and I was 'losing' friends left and right. And it worked.
And then things happened. Facebook became a part of my life, and I friended some of you, so lines started blurring. And I met one of you in person. And those that didn't have that access to my 'real' life, well, I got to the point where I was blogging for you.
And who are 'you'? I don't really know you. I know what I read, but that's not always the truth, no matter how much I'd like to think it is. The possibility that you will be an 'in person' friend is pretty damn slim. I can count on you virtually, but can't be guaranteed to count on you in person.
And my real in person friends who read this, well, the blog lets them know about my life, but reduces the real interaction I have with them, and what I know about their lives. Which is a negative.
So, as life continues to get better for me, I get scared that some of you know who I really am and could have power over me. And those who don't really know who I am, well, you know me in depth, and some of you I know in depth too, but you could disappear at any time, and I'm left in the dust. And my real friends will slowly get less close because of the blog.
And you know what? All of this is at it is. I will choose to accept the good, bad, ugly, scary. I continue on because I want to, and not because of you, though your reading this does keep me going, and does mean something to me. I appreciate your comments and support greatly, and hope I will continue to know you. I want to keep up with you but I can't feel bad if I can't, because I have to have my primary focus be my 'real' life and if life is crazy, that's what's number 1. My December is crazy, and I'm taking too much time writing this, but it's important to me, and needed to get it out. And I will try better to keep up with my real friends.
It's a product of me adapting to this new society, where virtual friendships are a way of life for some. I thought I was OK with it all, but retreated into my shell for a little bit. Hopefully I'll start plodding along again.