Thursday, December 10, 2009

Finally figured it out

I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt like it. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel like it, but it seems to have surfaced.

My initial point of doing this blog was vomit up all the shit I was going through, anonymously. It was 'safe'. I also wanted to feel like I had more friends/people I knew because it felt like my personal life was falling apart (which it was) and I was 'losing' friends left and right. And it worked.

And then things happened. Facebook became a part of my life, and I friended some of you, so lines started blurring. And I met one of you in person. And those that didn't have that access to my 'real' life, well, I got to the point where I was blogging for you.

And who are 'you'? I don't really know you. I know what I read, but that's not always the truth, no matter how much I'd like to think it is. The possibility that you will be an 'in person' friend is pretty damn slim. I can count on you virtually, but can't be guaranteed to count on you in person.

And my real in person friends who read this, well, the blog lets them know about my life, but reduces the real interaction I have with them, and what I know about their lives. Which is a negative.

So, as life continues to get better for me, I get scared that some of you know who I really am and could have power over me. And those who don't really know who I am, well, you know me in depth, and some of you I know in depth too, but you could disappear at any time, and I'm left in the dust. And my real friends will slowly get less close because of the blog.

And you know what? All of this is at it is. I will choose to accept the good, bad, ugly, scary. I continue on because I want to, and not because of you, though your reading this does keep me going, and does mean something to me. I appreciate your comments and support greatly, and hope I will continue to know you. I want to keep up with you but I can't feel bad if I can't, because I have to have my primary focus be my 'real' life and if life is crazy, that's what's number 1. My December is crazy, and I'm taking too much time writing this, but it's important to me, and needed to get it out. And I will try better to keep up with my real friends.

It's a product of me adapting to this new society, where virtual friendships are a way of life for some. I thought I was OK with it all, but retreated into my shell for a little bit. Hopefully I'll start plodding along again.


Susan said...

I seem to go through phases. Sometimes I post a ton...sometimes I don't post for weeks. I'm not really sure the point of my blog anymore. It, honestly, used to be to help me say stuff about Eric that I couldn't say to his face but then he started reading it and it changed the dynamic.

I guess I'm saying I understand. You do what you do for you and keep getting better. :)

Susan said...

And yes, I was logged in under the wrong name and am too lazy to delete and post again.

radicalmom said...

transitioning tends to bring out the best and worst of us.. i am in the same boat. been transitioning for close to two years now; it's getting old. it makes me tired and cranky, and that is not who i am.

lablahblah said...

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense. Real life should always come first.

Mel said...

Introspect is a good thing. Knowing why I'm doing something serves me well. And it sounds like that applies to you as well.

We all do things for a reason--in my world, being truthful about what's driving me is always a good thing.

Churlita said...

I'm right there with you. My real life has been taking over, but I think that's just a temporary thing. For me the blog is a good way for me to not feel like I'm writing in a vacuum.

Pamela said...

yeah susan, still figuring that out.
Nice bunny...

RM - I cannot imagine you as grumpy. except if someone tried feeding you GM food.

Labla... yeah, but it's kinda part of my real life too.

Mel..yes, knowing why is good.

Churlita - at least you use yours for a writing vehicle! Which is a great thing.

Squirrel said...

I think I hear where you're coming from. I stopped for very similar reasons over the summer, and only started again when I felt clear about doing this sort of writing again. The real/virtual schism is very disorienting.

Merl said...

Most of us feel the same way that you do. I felt like reaching out to you. Life does get monotonous at times the reason being we either live in the past or the future. We live in the past in our guilt,jealousy,circumstances etc and we fear for the future that is not there. our reality is this moment and staying in this moment is total freedom. Try it, this moment will tell you all because only this second matters all else is just an illusion, that we all perceive so be here.

Sebastien said...

I used to be skeptical of virtual friendships, but I'm so happy to have become a blogger as I've met so many awesome people, obviously including you!

Unfortunately most of my virtual friends have started blackmailing me and using what I write against me... hehe.

I'm happy to hear things are improving. Sometimes we go through phases as well, and need a break from the virtual world (or the real one for that matter ;). But not me, I'm living in constant delusion, so I'm in permanent escape mode, hehe.