Moving forward, looking back

Did I write that I figured out I should say those things to myself in the sauna?  Be upbeat?  Make it so, so to speak? Well, I will.

The week flies by when  you have to work 8 hours a day. Imagine that...  I had glimpses today that I might not be happy with this long term.  How does it help disadvantaged people?  Uh, not much. Except me of course. Hm... have I ever mentioned that that's what I've done? Maybe not. Oh well.

I'm learning to rebound. My friend said that I am sometimes a funpyre.  Meaning I suck the fun out of people. Yeah, sounds nasty, but unfortunately I know he's right. Ugh. I mean, it's part of why M needed to leave. I think of it more like I  get stuck in this hole of yuckiness and people come near and it rubs off on them. Kinda like trying to bounce a ball on a sticky mat?  Not sure of the best comparison. But I understand, as my brother is that way. It's hard to have energy around him as he rarely has any and kinda sucks it out of you. I never ever thought I was the same, but I am sometimes. I can't hate my friend for saying it. Though, I didn't get him a card because of it. And, well, I"m a bit self conscious around him.

In any event, doing a show this weekend and it'll be fun. Gonna try music I never would listen to on my own, and see where it takes me.  Wheeee!!!!!



Believe it or not, but there's two cats there.

So maybe there is something to say.

Replaying the day today. The things I said that I am not happy about. The aggressiveness, supposedly playful, coming out. Dammit! 1) it's not good to replay. or if you do 2) don't obsess. I have to remember that I have a chance to reinvent myself. I don't have to be the snarky one I don't have to be domineering. I can do things in a team. I can be supportive. I can be patient. And kind. And detail oriented.  All of these things. Just take a few damn deep breaths once in a while dammit.

Beginnings

I started my new job on Friday. Yay! Not much to say except that the days fly by now. And not in a bad way. I just have to get used to this new schedule.

I watched the movie Beginners last night. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's quite good.

I read the book Body Surfing. I think I may have read it before. It's weird to not remember.

I made a new dish tonight which was quite good. Simple except for the frying the tofu part:

1 block extra firm tofu
3 leaves of italian (curly) kale [likely not the real name]
3/4-1 c. broccoli florets (frozen) cut into smaller pieces
1/2 c. frozen peas
Cayenne pepper adn white pepper
olive oil
sliced havarti cheese

Press some water out of tofu (you can look up how to do that). Cut lengthwise into 1/2 in widths. I had 7 pieces. Put into 1-2TB olive oil in medium/med high heat. Cook, flipping when needed so both sides get brown (takes a while - 15 min?  or more?)

In the meantime, cut the kale thinly, including the stem. Put in pan w/ 1 TB or less olive oil.Cook a bit, and then give up and throw in the broccoli florets and peas. Dash some cayenne pepper and white pepper on it. Be careful not to inhale the cayenne like me.  Stir until cooked.

Put half a slice of cheese on the piece of tofu (perfect fit). Let melt a little. Put tofu slices on plate. Put vegetables on top and eat.

I wanted green, and got it... It really was quite good. Sorry I'm not more specific.

Ta dah!

Oh, there's so much to write about!

Movies: I just finished watching Drive. I've been meaning to, and I really really liked it. A bit of gore, so beware. Did I mentioned I watched Cabin in the Woods?  Excellent. And I"m not a horror movie fan.

Books: I just discovered Nick Hornby recently. A Long Way Down was the name. It's British humor so not for all, but I thought it was quite funny, despite it being about suicide!  Just finished Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum - the story of a woman and her mother, and what her mother did during the war in Germany to survive and what her daughter is trying to find out. A quote that stood out:  Each person has this choice to make about how they live with the past, this dignity, this inviolable right.

Radio: I did a show last week, and apparently it's the first time I've really sounded like myself. I had a lot of uh;s though. So the trick now is to have fewer uhs and still be like myself. I even had a caller who asked about a song. woo hoo!  I also did another training last night but this time I helped out with the stuff that was being recorded. I was in a band for an evening!!! It was so much fun. There was a drummer, a bass player, and there was a keyboard that I played. All improv. Once we did a bit with that configuration, the bass player got the drums, the drummer got the keyboard, another guy came in for the bass, and I sang! One set I basically sang all the labels on the 7inch collection - like the old library shelves - so A-Ass, etc. One cute one: God-Heaven. Everyone had a lot of fun, and they saved the recording. And I have it. Pretty damn cool.

So SF is in the Superbowl. I stopped by a bar today to see the last quarter. A LOT of die hard fans. It was so loud and so funny. I had to high five some guy - he demanded it.  :-)  Then I went and watched NE/Baltimore for a bit at a bar. I'm so glad Baltimore won! This was after getting up early and going to check out the Mavericks Invitational at Half Moon Bay. It was in the mid-60's there!

And, in the end, the two interviews went ok and not amazing, and I haven't heard anything, so I'm working at my temp place. And, it's so weird to have that weight lifted from me. I've been looking for a job for two years - all that time and effort. And now... I don't have to.  I went out to have a treat after the interviews, and had this: AMAZING.  Sour cream mouse with blueberry compote in the middle on a lemon cookie crust thing covered in white chocolate with tthree blueberries and a ribbon of chocolate somehow turned blue.

It looks a bit surreal.

OK, I"m going to bed... after reading some.

huh

It's really hard for me to be honest with myself. But when I am, I know I am being so. So, I don't really want to date heavily (what does that mean?) because I like my non-relationship with M of talking every day. That's all I really need and want right now is some daily connection. I'm not like a friend of mine who needs to cuddle with someone and have the physical connection. Yes, I know it's not healthy. And it's not perhaps being good to myself. But it's what I want right now, be it a crutch or insecurity or whatever. I suppose I could go back to blogging every day, but I've kinda gotten used to interacting with human beings. Not that you aren't...but still. I have to eventually be ok with that 'relationship' ending because life will truly go on. But not yet.

A friend told me about a three stooges or groucho marx skit in which he was going door to door. He goes to one door, it opens, and he asks the person, 'so, are you married or are you happy?'. It's apropos since I chatted with a friend who has been with her husband for a very long time.Not incredibly happy, but keeps along with it because it's easier. She's fully aware of what she's doing. Having just written the paragraph above, I don't consider it pathetic. It's a choice.

Speaking of choice, I have not yet made my choice. I'm a big Aunt Jemima waffle, except I'm white. Oh, wait, does she only do syrup? I now have two interviews on Tuesday. I am actually at this very moment leaning towards the not so challenging one that's near my house so I can continue to have more free time to do things like climbing and radio -I've gotten quite used to it. But we'll see.

Speaking of radio, I'm starting to learn how to set up for live shows in the radio station. How to position mics, etc. It was a small training group last night, and it was good to get to know some people. I get shy and quiet with a big group, but I was very energetic last night (and so sometimes begs the question of is it me or is it my condition getting me out?). It was fun...

OK, I'm gonna make like a baby, and put an egg in my shoe, act like a tree, and all that.

New Year!

Happy New Year!  2013, what a concept.

I had a very nice time back east. My nieces are so grown up!!! Especially the younger one. They both are beauties, in different ways.  And well, my mom. She had a rough time when we were first there. She was getting confused about who was who - called me a boy occasionally (looking at photos) and I also came to be known as 'the one who doesn't visit very often'. Sigh. Of course one brother built on that and said it's been 15 years! She had enough presence of mind at one point to know that was not true. So, she had her ups and downs. When she's up, I feel bad that she's now in memory care - she doesn't seem to belong. When she's down, I'm glad she's there. It's so hard. And makes me scared for my future. I have to look into long term health care insurance.  Either that or move to Oregon before I get too old.

I worked at a temp job before I left - way below my abilities and so they loved me (wait, did I already write that?). They asked for me back, and now they've offered me a job. Offered to let me define what it will be. Selling it to me. I feel like there's a little devil there... 'take me' - excellent benefits but not at all related to my career . I applied for another job that is much more suited to my career and have an interview on the 15th, and don't feel I can make a decision before then. But I might end up working there. There are worse things in life!!!

So, I looked and I had already written about most of that, oh well. New news is that I had a really nice gift for M that I did with his sister. I ran into the UPS man on the street on the way to the UPS store. I asked him if I should go to UPS or USPS. He said USPS. So I went. Insured. And found out that insured does not mean tracking, since it never arrived. PIMFA!!!! So sad. What sucks almost worse is that there's intellectual property of mine that someone now has. CRAP.

OK, I wanted to write longer, but I'm going to go get advice from people on my job stuff. Or at least get some ideas. Though I do already know what my way forward is. So, there.