Wow, it's 2014!

I can't believe the last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving.  I hear no weeping, but then again it doesn't matter since I do this for me. Which is why I haven't been doing it much. It's more important to be able to survive in the world and communicate with the world, than with myself in a blog.

But I miss you all!

In any event, let's see. Thanksgiving with M - made great food. He came to visit the weekend after because I won tickets, and then soon it was Christmas!  Home with family and had a good time playing games. Also saw my mom who was a zombie due to medication which really sucked to say the least. The first day I saw here she only said one word - bye - when I left. By the end she recognized me more, recognized everyone more, and spoke almost full sentences.

We also cleaned out some of her stuff so I got some new jewelry and a new watch, and the original bill for my birth at the hospital.

Things are better at work, though only because I've decided to start anew in 2014. I was demotivated and demoralized in 2013, and make a semi-big mistake at work right before the new year and was down and out about it. But I thought overnight and had a short conversation with my boss giving him the reasoning that I could think of and felt 100% better.

So it's over and done and I'm back to my old self at work in 2014. OK, so old self - not sure when that is... but I'm trying to be better and not say bad things and do good things. I obsess about it periodically like today when I think of all the things I should not have said, but I'll get over it.

OK - I want to do the rounds.

Oh, PS.   apparently there's some site where you can have a book made out of your blog. Would I want that? Not sure.

whoa no, woe know

Was sitting down to write a woe email, and Billy comes up on my lap. It's hard to feel down when you have a purring cat standing on your lap, and he expects you to hug him. Squeeze the air out of his lungs through his smelly mouth. Hold him against you while he purrs and breathes weirdly. Leans into you.

Annnnddd... off he goes.

So now, woe was I?  ha.

Interesting that I'm being tested this week.  No therapist appointment. No computer monitor because Dell is a pain in the beehind. No M to talk to (he's sick). And no friend at work to walk with at lunch. I have to survive on my own. And it's a little difficult. The thoughts of 'so this is what my life is like?'  when so many others are doing so much more. And it's only a 4 day work week for me!  A three day weekend was great. I hate the thought that I am just trying to make it through the day, make it through the week. Ugh. Never thought I'd live my life like that.

Yeah well. Here we are. Gotta get some changes in attitude since the change in latitude won't happen any time soon.

Daydream

by Sue Ellen Pector

Of hunger's many faces
I dream,
fresh food to eat,

clothing, sans rips and patches,
that fits and warms,

closeness, fun, laughter
and rest.

In Praise of Older Hungry Women

by George Wynn

In my San Francisco of the 1950s
older latdies wore gloves
shopping at the Emporium

Now we see on Market Street
older ladies with outstretched palms
and worn-out clothes with cardboard
"give what you can" calling cards
in front of them reminding us of
Dorothea Lange's ruined women
of the Great Depression

If you and I enter a trance
to escape the image of
their present circumstance
and go back in time we might see
 young dreamy faces even after
a hard day's work on the factory line
or young hearts sore but full of fight
after a long day of blows on
a post-war picket line

Who knows, we just might get a
true picture of their elegance

Pride goeth before a fall

I've been thinking that I just had way too much pride. Oh, I could be doing so much more I thought. Others thought so too. Yet that pride helped me get where I am. Got told there's no way I'll get a raise any time in the near future. And the next day was handed a written warning to go into my HR file.

So, I realize what I am, and I will work with it and not expect anything more. I will not be in this job forever, but right now I need it.

I had my third DBT appointment and I think it'll be good for me. Part of me rebels and says it's just Californians who can't deal with sharp east-coasters. But the skills I will learn will help I am sure.

So, I'm spending some of my savings to buy a new computer and am going to try and move forward with photography and such to make a little extra money and expand my horizons.

I am beaten down but am not broken.

DBT

So my psychiatrist recommended I look into DBT.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which is like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but different. Click the link and find out.

Happily there's someone near me who practices it, so I'm going to try. I went today and she seemed pretty good. The problem is that the approach deals with really focusing on what you are doing and analyzing it. Arg. I have to go back to that.

See, today I started thinking about / freaking out about the possibility of losing my job. Where would I go? What could I ever do? Anxiety rose... If I wasn't able to push it away, I would have been lost in the spiral of despair. So I fear getting lost in the spiral. But hopefully part of the learning is learning how not to. I assume so. 

EEOC

Had the rug pulled out from under my feet on Wednesday. My general manager had a discussion with me that he has noticed and others have commented to him that I have been... and I forget the exact phrasing. Irritable? Negative? But basically he said if it continued then I would be gone. Not those exact words. He did say he'd be willing to help me by calling attention to the times I do it - so it's not like he already made up my mind and I am gone which is GREAT.

So, I know I've had a couple reactions that were completely outside the realm of how a normal person would react. But I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not. So, it's time to go into survival mode. And that means I have to register as a person with a disability and get accommodation. The only accommodation I want is time to go to a therapist every week and not have to make up the time.  I also have talked to a friend at work and asked that we go for a walk several times a week at lunchtime. Get out of the office. Smooth out my day.

Let me tell you, I may sound calm, but it SUCKS. I do not want to label myself. I don't want to be protected by the EEOC and ADA. But realistically, I have occasional extreme responses. I am overly irritated at times. And I need to be protected. If I lose this job, I really don't know what I would do. Likely continue on, but my initial bad thoughts were that I would give up.

We have a external management company - PEO it's called. So I called our contact there and 'came out'. And, as often is the case, you start talking about your mental health issues and the person you are talking to has a relative or friend with a mental health issue. In this case, her daughter has bipolar. Regular bipolar which I consider to be so much more difficult. Not that I live it... but it just seems like it would be worse. She has done some investigation about the process - it is of course complicated. But I will have help, which is a great thing.

I just so happened to have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, so it was good to discuss. I might get a referral for a therapist. I hate hate hate the idea of a therapist. I don't want to be thinking about this and looking at my navel again, but I have to. I have to figure out ways to deal with this and not cause more issues. And keep the job. And maybe in the process get better at maintaining relationships.

Lordy.  Here are a couple dahlias to smooth out this post. I saw the results of a competition in Golden Gate Park.  I think it's my new favorite flower.