Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That kind of person

So, do you know anybody who gives gives gives?
Are they secure in themselves?
Do they give because it makes them feel good?
Do they give because they are good?
Or do they give in order to create attachment?
Do you think there's such a person?
Would you care as long as you were the recipient?
Would you be willing to receive, receive, receive?

I had a boyfriend once who gave gave gave. I'd mention something, and poof, there it was. OK, not outlandish things, but oh I like that chair, and he'd want to give it to me. Sure, I have a hard time letting people help me, but this, to me, was so obviously a way to connect himself to me. As if giving me herpes wasn't enough. Anyhoo... He would get so upset when I wouldn't take half/most of the stuff. Like I was rejecting HIM and not the item.

I'm having flashbacks. Oh, and it's so bad. Mr doorman guy. I've struggled with it the whole time I have known him. Today, I was harassing the maintenance guy after he came in with a McDonald's bag. I asked him for a fry. He walked of saying he didn't have any, for me that is, because he liked them. So I made him give me a fry (and I was hungry too, so it was good). Mr doorman guy looks at me and says, you want fries? If I went to McDonald's now and got some and brought them up, would you eat them? I just said no. I only wanted one. And he gets upset.

Sure sure, this could be seen as he was jealous I was interacting with Mr. Maintenance guy, but it's happened before. I'll just be talking with him and mention that it would be nice to have some frozen custard, and he wants to buy it for me. NO, thank you. And he wonders why women he's been with end up taking advantage of him - because he sets it up that way!

Ugh, I shouldn't care because I have other things to deal with in my life, but while I used to enjoy going down and joking, now all I get when I go down is that I'm not down there enough. I don't speak spanish with him enough. I don't take all the gifts he offers. I asked him how to say fuck you in spanish so I could say it to him, but he wouldn't tell me. I said it in somewhat of a joking way, but yes, I can be a bitch. Then I asked him how to say woe is me, but he didn't understand woe. He talks about how his life sucks, and how his teenage son is taking advantage of him and moving away from him, but he makes little effort to change his life. I guess maybe I've lost respect for the man.

And maybe I just needed to get this all out so I don't blow up at him. And get over it and go down and say hello again. Because it's a responsibility I feel I have. And will continue.


Susan said...

Next Thursday I'll find out how to say all these things plus many more amusing things. I can tell you how to say such interesting things as "It's 1 o'clock" and "The book is in the library".

I can't roll r's though which is a flaw in my language.

M. Robert Turnage said...

I tend to give. I shall stop doing that.

Churlita said...

Changate! That's fuck you. I'm not sure the actual way to say it, but que lastima means how sad and you could say que lastima para mi and that would get your woe is me point across.

I'm a giver, but I don't get mad if people don't want what I offer. I also don't offer to run and get people things they mention off-handedly. it's more like I make extra food, and offer it to my friends who I know don't cook much or know they love it.

Pamela said...

Susan, I think you have to be born in a spanish speaking country to roll your r's right.

MRT - ACK! Don't do that to me.

Churlita - ah, you always pull through. Thanks for the word.
And yes, I'm a giver too. I think there might have been a time in the past when I gave expecting something back, but I think I've gotten over that.

M. Robert Turnage said...

Ok. Didn't mean to shock or bring about an ACK! in the comments.

I will say that when I read this, I felt a little pang, because I do stuff like that. I tend to give a lot, especially in relationships.

Only rarely do I get resentful or needy about the gift-giving (like the time about 10 of my "friends" stuck me with a $350+ dinner check - that pissed me off and continues to piss me off). I tend to be generous until it is expected from me or I feel taken for granted, at which point I stop.

I also try not to force gifts on people who don't want them (unless, of course, it is a comic book that you must must MUST read or a movie you must must MUST see). And most of my gifts take the form of cupcakes or donuts, or something disposable, not chairs or anything involving bodily fluids.

NoRegrets said...

See, MRT, I think there's a difference there. It's the almost forcing of the gift that drives me nuts. The getting upset that it's not accepted. That to me indicates something wrong.

har on the bodily fluids one...

M. Robert Turnage said...

Let me make it up to you with this My Little Pony chair. No, no. I insist. TAKE IT! TAAAAAKE IT!

Pamela said...

Oh, I've always wanted such a chair. Thankyou so much.
[promptly freecycles]

The CEO said...

I guess this means you can't get a bag of fries for the guy once in a while.

laura b. said...

I have noticed that some people use giving as a form of control. Outwardly, they are so selfless...but in point of actual fact there are always strings.
Sounds like Mr Doorman Guy just has to be kept at arms length.

NoRegrets said...

Monty, I have actually let him buy me fries, etc. So it's not like I never say yes.

Laura, I agree. And I try.