So, do you know anybody who gives gives gives?
Are they secure in themselves?
Do they give because it makes them feel good?
Do they give because they are good?
Or do they give in order to create attachment?
Do you think there's such a person?
Would you care as long as you were the recipient?
Would you be willing to receive, receive, receive?
I had a boyfriend once who gave gave gave. I'd mention something, and poof, there it was. OK, not outlandish things, but oh I like that chair, and he'd want to give it to me. Sure, I have a hard time letting people help me, but this, to me, was so obviously a way to connect himself to me. As if giving me herpes wasn't enough. Anyhoo... He would get so upset when I wouldn't take half/most of the stuff. Like I was rejecting HIM and not the item.
I'm having flashbacks. Oh, and it's so bad. Mr doorman guy. I've struggled with it the whole time I have known him. Today, I was harassing the maintenance guy after he came in with a McDonald's bag. I asked him for a fry. He walked of saying he didn't have any, for me that is, because he liked them. So I made him give me a fry (and I was hungry too, so it was good). Mr doorman guy looks at me and says, you want fries? If I went to McDonald's now and got some and brought them up, would you eat them? I just said no. I only wanted one. And he gets upset.
Sure sure, this could be seen as he was jealous I was interacting with Mr. Maintenance guy, but it's happened before. I'll just be talking with him and mention that it would be nice to have some frozen custard, and he wants to buy it for me. NO, thank you. And he wonders why women he's been with end up taking advantage of him - because he sets it up that way!
Ugh, I shouldn't care because I have other things to deal with in my life, but while I used to enjoy going down and joking, now all I get when I go down is that I'm not down there enough. I don't speak spanish with him enough. I don't take all the gifts he offers. I asked him how to say fuck you in spanish so I could say it to him, but he wouldn't tell me. I said it in somewhat of a joking way, but yes, I can be a bitch. Then I asked him how to say woe is me, but he didn't understand woe. He talks about how his life sucks, and how his teenage son is taking advantage of him and moving away from him, but he makes little effort to change his life. I guess maybe I've lost respect for the man.
And maybe I just needed to get this all out so I don't blow up at him. And get over it and go down and say hello again. Because it's a responsibility I feel I have. And will continue.