Sunday, March 1, 2009
Saturday Hunt - End
OK, sorry, I can't find my book, or rather, I don't want to take the time to find my book. If I could find this book, I would have take a photo of the end. The last page says: Everything in this book may be wrong. And then the last page after that says: Everything in this book may be wrong. The end comes twice.
Why is that? Well, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah is about that what the title says. But he has this book that you open it up and you see what you need to see at that time. Lessons for the advanced soul as it says. And the last page in the book you/me are holding comes twice, because it's a lesson that you ultimately take out of something what you want and need, and ultimately there is no right or wrong.
I can't tell you how influential this book was to me in my early teenage years. I may have already written about it, but I've been thinking about it again and should read it again. It's the first time I heard the concept that you aren't responsible for others' reactions to you. You are who you are and people will react according to who they are. You have no control over that. Now, just because I heard that at age 15 or whenever, doesn't mean it sunk in. I think 25 ish years later, I'm still trying to learn that lesson. That I live my life according to what's best for me, and that's all I can do.
I'm seguing (segue-ing?) into some stuff that's been on my mind which is beyond the normal scavenger hunt, so fair warning, you can end now if you're just here for the hunt.
I have realized I get very defensive if anyone asks why I got divorced. What happened. I've tried to use the answer 'because'. But that doesn't always work. I know I don't need to explain to anyone my life, but I guess I feel I am being judged. I gotta get over that. Some people I think want to use my experience as a lens to look at their own lives. Well, that's ok, but my experience is not your experience. I mean, I admit that I seek out people who seem to understand my specific experience so I can feel a little bit better and there are indeed other people out there who were married to good people, but it just didn't work. My realtor, my home loan person, others. And there are people I know who stay in a marriage for reasons that would not be acceptable to me, and that's fine too, as long as I don't have to live that life. In the past I was always seeking a 'right' and a 'wrong' and there's no such thing in life. There is a huge lesson to be learned.
Speaking of judging, I am truly truly blessed to have a few people in my life who do NOT judge. They are there despite the many mistakes I make - some of which are HUGE and some really hurtful to myself, and some to other people. But they listen and provide a mirror and acceptance and support and forgiveness. I truly hope that I can and do do the same. This is one of my fears from the ending of my marriage - that despite appearances I may put on, that I am NOT an accepting person. That I want people to be just like me, or do what *I* think is right. I fully admit that there was an element of that in the failure of my marriage - though you could look at it as he could never be who I needed him to be rather than he could never be what I wanted him to be. I prefer the former interpretation, and this is part of why it didn't work.
Change hurts. Emotions are sometimes painful. I'm willing to ride the roller coaster, but I'm not always happy about it. I do things that make the ride bumpier and I can come close to depression, and again, thankfully I have support for when I do such things to myself. But more and more, I have my own mirror that I look into to find that strength, to find that forgiveness, to find that acceptance. And this magic mirror is created by me and held by me - my goal is to pull it out more and more - not to lose my need for others and my need for love and happiness, but to help create that for myself and be able to spread the wealth from myself to others, all the while keeping me #1 and seeking someone who does the same.