Fresno Dome

 It kinda looked like a man on the mountain. A skeleton of what he once was.

A socially acceptable form of graffiti?  Charcoal from a fire.

Lichen on the trees.

A weekend finally of climbing. And getting away. Saturday was rainy ish so we just went to a small crag by the side of the road and did sport climbs. But they were slab. So the 5.8 that I did was way scary. You have to trust your feet.  Crazy.  Sunday we did a trad climb on Fresno Dome. You start at the bottom and end at the top (that sounds so silly, but there's a difference! - you don't have to walk down, you are just right there.)

It was so quiet too. The campground only had two other groups there, and we were near a meadow and a brook, and the only sound I really heard was the buzzing of the bees and the little babble of the water.

Much needed.

Missing U

ha.. Wish I could think of a word that is missing a u.  Qick?

In any event, feeling a little melancholic. I miss M, despite the many good reasons we should not be together. He's down in southern CA, making his own changes.  We do talk quite a bit.  I hate that whole transition thing where you slowly get further apart.  (For us who try to stay friend with or at least connected to ex's).  I had a dream with him in it last night, and I will not share the details. And won't with him either.

Sigh.  When I'm PMS-ing, I think about all the things I am not, which I wish I could be, in part to continue to be with him.  But that's not the way life works. I am who I am, and I do change over time, but only so much.  It's more than I ever thought, but again, there's only so much. I do wish I were more energetic and outwardly positive. I see how people react to it - of course people want to be around that!  I just feel awkward and introverted and brain-dull.

But to stop that, I'm going to go read other blogs.  Part of the reason I"m not writing so much is to not wallow in these negative thoughts. Even the times I've written here, I've avoided being negative. Perhaps that's a good thing.  Choices.

And, as ever, we'll see where my life goes.

The day before my birthday

- I was supposed to have friends come and camp, and we'd hang out. Then they bailed.

- I was supposed to have climbing friends come and camp, and we'd climb. Then they bailed.

- I asked a climbing listserv if anyone wanted to share the site. One said yes, then at 5:30 Friday he bailed.

- I left Saturday AM around 10, and after stopping in Oakdale went straight to the campground to be sure I got the site since someone wasn't there the night before.  Lots of clouds in the sky, but the lake was sunny which was good because wanted to go there.

- got to the campground, they had given my site away. They found one for me.

- Went to the lake, as soon as I put my chair down, the sun went behind the clouds

- decided I'd buy myself dinner at the campground grill, got there and they had closed 15 minutes earlier.

- went to the campsite to eat some food I had, someone was in the site - they had been given it

- drove out of the campground and found a ranger there. asked what I should do, and they had a spot for me. except it was 10 feet away from the bathrooms (ok, 20 feet).

- decided to leave since it was cloudy and I couldn't see the stars anyway and I wasn't feeling well.

- stopped just outside the meadow to take a nap and try and get rid of the looming migraine

- after nap drove and stopped to see the sun set. threw up.

- drove a little more and was reallllly tired so stopped at the mariposa grove and slept for 2 hours.

- woke up and there were stars!  and saw 3 shooting stars.

-started driving out, left the park, and had to stop and throw up, and slept some more.

- drove home and arrived at 3am

Tuolumne Valley with clouds

And then the day of my birthday I woke up late (well, 8:30) and my excitement for the day was going out and having a milkshake. It's best for me to do that alone, as I don't start once I stop. Likely very disgusting to anyone around me. But it's kinda like hot chocolate. It has to be a certain temperature because after that it's no good.

And I finally got some cards today - August 16th.  They were mailed August 6th.

But let me just say, even though it sounds pitiful and kind of was, the whole thing was kinda funny too...

Instant and Pretty Quick Karma

Have had multiple experiences of quick karma.

One day I went to the store where M bought his favorite sausages.  I took a picture on my cell to send to him. It wasn't my intent (or at least 100%) to be mean, rather a taste of home, per se. Well, karma didn't think so.  So in the store the container of watermelon I was carrying spilled onto my shirt. Something else happened before getting into the car. And when I parked my car in the parking spot I can now use because M is gone, I scraped the side against the wall.

Then more recently one morning I was joking with one of the guys at work. He held the door open for me, and I then walked really really slowly.  And then, that very afternoon, I held the door for another guy, and he walked really really slowly. 

Seriously.

cats

So, my roommate moved in with her cat. And while the roommate is great/will be great, I fear the cat.  He's currently in isolation,which he should be. But Billy, rather than being territorial, is scared/hiding.  And the new cat is not as well behaved as Billy. I've been told that I can reprimand him, but I have high standards, and I don't want the new roommate to hate me. And Billy is so sensitive he'll feel like I'm reprimanding him. And tomorrow is my birthday and I feel I shouldn't go away for the night not only for Billy but for me to organize my stuff and look at jobs and so on. Working full time takes a lot of time! silly me...

I was hoping that writing would calm me down. I guess it has, but I am still anxious about everything.

Sigh.

Start over

So, was talking with someone last night and he had the idea that since he didn't know much about me, that I could create a new me - whatever I wanted. Now, I wouldn't do a huge lie or anything, but what I can do is choose who I define myself as. So rather than oppressed, I learned a lot about myself. And things like that.  I'll try it out. It helps me to get rid of horrible thought patterns.

I've been meaning to note that I had a conversation with a guy who was returning my cooler (long story).  I mentioned that M had moved out (not sure why I did since I didn't know the guy really) and that we still got along.  He remarked that it seemed to him that if you can get along with someone after you break up, then couldn't you have made it work?  Wow.  I honestly have not ever heard that perspective. Not saying it's bad... just not for me.  What do you think?

Fresh pasta sauce

Easy and really good.

1 LB FRESH TOMATOES OR 2 CUPS CANNED PLUM TOMATOES, DRAINED

1 LARGE CLOVE GARLIC, CRUSHED (ALTHOUGH I USE 3 OR 4 CLOVES)

1 TBSP OLIVE OIL

2 TBSP TOMATO PASTE

½ CUP FRESH BASIL

¼ TSP CAYENNE PEPPER

SALT & BLACK PEPPER TO TASTE

TOASTED PINE NUTS (OPTIONAL)

½ LB ANGEL HAIR PASTA

½ CUP GRATED PARMESAN REGGIANO CHEESE

WASH AND CORE TOMATOES, CUT UP AND PUT IN BLENDER WITH GARLIC, OIL, TOMATO PASTE AND BASIL.

BLEND UNTIL SAUCY.

ADD CAYENNE, SALT AND PEPPER.

COOK PASTA AND DRAIN.

PUT PASTA IN BOWL AND POUR IN SAUCE, MIX THOROUGHLY.

THE PASTA HEAT WILL COOK THE SAUCE.

SPRINKLE CHEESE ON TOP AND EAT.

Pft

- A day after I boasted on Facebook that Billy never goes on counters, I left a container full of chicken pieces on the counter overnight.  It was empty in the morning.  I wondered why he didn't meow in the morning when he greeted me.
- Don't get to go climbing tomorrow, but it's kinda ok, since I'm tired.
- Worked 37 hours this week at my temp job. I'm RICH
- Currently listening to A Brief History of Everything - Bill Bryson.  His long books are great to listen to in the car.  He reads well, and it's interesting. Much better than pop I hear every hour.
- A guy at work grew corn. He offered some to me. So, yesterday I took one right off the stalk and cooked it and ate it. I likely didn't need to cook it and I maybe cooked it too long. But it was a great experience anyway.

Sorry, tired. Going to bed now.