What to expect when you're expecting

Not what you wanted to get, that's for sure.  

I tell two people today that I had a really bad week last week (feeling better today, thank you), both men, and neither gave me the poor you I really wanted. Funny. I so wanted it. One was M, and I honestly don't know why I even think to expect something. He may come visit and I just warned him that last week was a bad week, and not sure how much I will have recuperated by then. I worded it as 'not having great social skills - even less than I normally have'. He appreciated the heads up. That's it. 

But what else should I get?  Well, in the instance of M, at least a 'sorry you had a bad week'.  But, I really should know better than to expect anything.

Oh well, time to move on.

What do I expect?

If I say to someone, "I really hate planning parties" of course noone is going to want to include me in planning. Never mind that I felt like shit and ready to run away screaming and had to force myself to stay and I told the wrong friggin' person that, the person who was FREAKING OUT because we didn't have any drinks with dinner. Intensely saying that there was NOTHING TO DRINK with dinner. Big wide eyes.

Sigh. I'm a leper and a loser.  But a lovable one.

We actually had a great holiday party. Learned how to mix 4 classic cocktails. Taught by a master bartender. I actually made a margarita that I liked. I have never ever liked them before.

Trouble is that when we got there nothing was set up, even though the guy had said all would be ok. I felt like a loser. I hadn't set up any sort of gift exchange, and got a look for that in the elevator down to the bus. The bus was a party bus but with no alcohol. Loser didn't think of it.

Oh well. Life does go on.

Demon Wrangling

I come back to my old friend the blog when I have to talk to myself. Figure things out.

I feel sometimes like I have a demon inside that is pushing trying to break me from inside. Recently it's been a voice telling me that I'm no good, don't know how to do a good job, can't organize a party well, don't know how to interact normally, etc. I seriously have had to try to find ways to drown it out. I wonder if it's come up because I haven't been climbing much, so it doesn't give me that meditation I need. 

At least I stop myself, or have until now. I'm going to give myself a break right here and now and say that it's great that I'm recognizing it, and not falling into the traps, and also the woe is me. I desperately wanted to talk to someone on Tuesday but I managed to sort of work through it. I want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok, but I have to tell it to myself. It's a movement towards being able to take care of myself, make the right mental choices, allow myself to not be all I think I should be, but just be who I am. And carry on the lessons learned from my therapy - like people aren't attacking you when they remark on how much coffee there is there and that it doesn't stay fresh (when you are the person responsible for ordering).

Eventually I'd like to get to the point that I can let all things roll over me and be the perfect employee and so on. Ha. But not really ha.  But I can choose to not wallow in depression. Not be enticed by the demons and lose control. But the wrangling is better than being squashed.

It's not you, it's my wife

I realized I neglected to mention what happened after the party where I poured the host tequila. A week (or 2?) I get a text that he left his wife the day after that party, in part because he saw by interacting with me that there was 'life on the other side'. WTF.  Because I am curious and stupid and actually didn't remember him all that much, I agreed to meet him for a drink.  As long as I wasn't seen as the other woman who broke up his marriage. 

And o boy, that was an experience. Him giving details on why their marriage went bad (the children), and how lonely he was (no sex in 10 years). I think at that point I told him that he had just overshared.  Oh and I had NO interest in him physically whatsoever (I didn't tell him that - even I'm not that blunt unless he had tried to make some sort of aggressive move on me). He's 60, but an old 60 and not a young 60 like M.

It was such a great experience to write to him and tell him that I think he needs to take time to process what he's going through and I am not the one to help him through that process. Yay me!  In the past I would have felt sorry, oh he's a nice guy, and all that BS and gone on another 'date' just to see.  Quite honestly having herpes in both places now (yeck) has made me free-er. It's easier to say no because I don't really want to get into it all with someone who has no promise. Even then I don't want to get into it, though that's a whole 'nother story. Sometimes I want to be hugged and wanted, and I look at Match.com, and then realize, nah.  M is still in the picture, but I'm starting finally to have it sink in how stressed I get when I interact with him too much. Expectations, etc. So more and more I'm feeling single, and it's nice.

A wink and a nod are the same to a blind man

Yeah, don't ask my what that has to do with anything.

So, I have a half time job at the university and a half time job where I worked before. It's a little insane because of the commuting, but I think either job is helping me survive the other one. Of course it's been so long I have no idea where I left off in this blog, but evil person is gone and I'm in his spot and it's great.

I finished the quilt for my brother and I should post a shot. Doing one for a former coworker that I don't like very much (the quilt, not the coworker). I look at it and have little motivation to continue... but I will.

Billy says hi.  Or is that 'feed me!'. He's pissing me off because all it seems he wants is food. More so thank usual. Which makes me think I should take him to the vet. When really likely it is nothing.

There's more to say, but I need to go to bed. Lesson learning - don't take things personally. It may be all about them.

June bug

Today it's a confessional. Or rather looking honestly at what I've done and since it's not really worth talking to anyone about, I'll write it here.

Guy where I volunteer has been inviting me places or a while.  He's a nice guy and fun but have said point blank I don't want to date him. And I thought for a while maybe I could still do things. But I just get this feeling I can't trust him. He won't give up - but then likely no guy does really.  He's almost 70, which doesn't help him either.  And since I don't trust him I don't act myself - I am very reserved (which yes I can be, but it's a bit much here).

I was going to say point blank don't invite me anywhere anymore, but then thought that that might be too rude. And yesterday he told me about the party of another volunteer that night. And I decided to go. And it was a great party!  The host and hostess were so nice, and the people were great and a mix of young and old - the birthday girl was turning 50 and there were a bunch of the 20-something volunteers. But I kind of steered clear of this old guy. I didn't make an effort to talk to him, when a time or two I could tell he could use someone to talk to. Now that's just rude. And he disappeared somewhere/time in the night. Was it bad to text him today thanking him and asking where he went?  Am I leading him on?  I don't know all this crap - I think I tend to do the wrong thing.  I'll ask M.... :-)

Karma is a bitch though. I was pouring big shots of tequila for the birthday girl and the host, and having about 1/3-1/4 as much. Turns out I had enough alcohol to have one of the worst hangovers in my life. Vomiting for about 4 hours. I got out of bed today at 12:30 and even then was not in good shape. Thankfully the partner of the woman downstairs got me a ginger beer which helped tremendously.

OK, I am going to go out in the heat... sweat off the rest...

March in like a Lion

So, my mom died. It was a good death so that is comforting. But I am now motherless, which on the plane ride home made me feel untethered. Made me feel changed. She was such a wonderful mother and all statements referred to that fact, even to people who weren't her biological children. My sister is following in her footsteps to a certain extent. Her capacity for love is great. Mine is too, but not so outgoing. I have my mother's high school ring now and will be wearing it a great deal.

One thing that was wonderful yet a little traumatic was that my middle school teacher came to the visitation. I didn't recognize him at first and when I did I screamed and jumped up to hug him, as I said "you're old and gray!".  Hmm.... not so appropriate in a funeral home. But whatever. It was wonderful to catch up with him. What was a little traumatic was how he talked about how much promise I had when he met me, what a special person I was, how there's only a few small people he tries to keep in touch with over the years. Hearing that was nice, but also traumatic because I feel like I'm nowhere right now. Boring job and almost lost that. No partner, no kids, no major accomplishments... I felt horrible for a day - of course the funeral didn't help - but got over it, mostly. I guess I can't forget that some people see me that way and maybe I can be amazing...

Other than that, work is moving along. Still have a job. Learning how to belong in a polite society.

Hope everyone is well.

Wow, it's 2014!

I can't believe the last time I wrote was before Thanksgiving.  I hear no weeping, but then again it doesn't matter since I do this for me. Which is why I haven't been doing it much. It's more important to be able to survive in the world and communicate with the world, than with myself in a blog.

But I miss you all!

In any event, let's see. Thanksgiving with M - made great food. He came to visit the weekend after because I won tickets, and then soon it was Christmas!  Home with family and had a good time playing games. Also saw my mom who was a zombie due to medication which really sucked to say the least. The first day I saw here she only said one word - bye - when I left. By the end she recognized me more, recognized everyone more, and spoke almost full sentences.

We also cleaned out some of her stuff so I got some new jewelry and a new watch, and the original bill for my birth at the hospital.

Things are better at work, though only because I've decided to start anew in 2014. I was demotivated and demoralized in 2013, and make a semi-big mistake at work right before the new year and was down and out about it. But I thought overnight and had a short conversation with my boss giving him the reasoning that I could think of and felt 100% better.

So it's over and done and I'm back to my old self at work in 2014. OK, so old self - not sure when that is... but I'm trying to be better and not say bad things and do good things. I obsess about it periodically like today when I think of all the things I should not have said, but I'll get over it.

OK - I want to do the rounds.

Oh, PS.   apparently there's some site where you can have a book made out of your blog. Would I want that? Not sure.