Monkey See

It's December!  Not 3-6 months from when I wrote last. I'm doing fine.

Oops, got sidetracked for about 20 minutes in a non-incognito window...

Here's one of the images I have in my head when I need to get away from it all. Went to a National Forest in July. Camped in a field for free. One morning, I just sat on a log and watched the bees go from small flower to small flower. The thing was, the flower was not on a very strong stem, so it would bend over almost to the ground when the bee sat in it. But it bounced right back up.

I sold a few notecards. To friends of course. But I take these baby steps, and, someday I may rule the world.

And now it's November

I may start a new thing with this blog that I guess what my life is going to be like 3-6 months from my post, and go back and see how it is. Might not work though, as I will have known I wrote it.

So, the boy moved, and after writing to him/calling him and he was always very busy, which I completely understood, I finally said that I wasn't trying to harass, I was trying to help so wouldn't have to do the effort. And finally, via text, he wrote to me that his wife decided to move to MI so he could take care of her. Many people said that he had lied that he was getting a divorce. I don't think that's the case. I think he lied when he didn't tell me she was moving out there so he could take care of her (she is 12 years older and they had no kids). In any event, that ship sailed. Deleted all numbers and thought I deleted all photos and then it shows up when I sign into Shutterfly. WTF!!  Whatever.

My boss left, I am in charge of office, I got raise, and so far haven't completely broken down. I am not one to take over, to forge ahead and do things without really knowing everything. So it's a challenge. I need to do weekly pep talks and I haven't given myself one in a couple months. It's an attitude thing. Fake it until you make it. Fake it until you become it.

Which is odd, as I am pretty depressed. But putting on a good show keeps me going in this case. What begets what? Is pretending creating reality?  Or helping to create it? Not sure.

What I came here to write about is that I again praised my sister for keeping her shit together. I feel sometimes I barely am, and I don't have a house, two kids, etc.  When speaking with her, she told me she fell apart last week at work. And then starting crying because she said she is always on the edge of falling apart. OMG I did not know what to do. My sister in law came out from her class and I turned to her and said I made her cry, can you hug her?  Amazing. My response was amazing. And so telling. I did give my sister her own hug, but it reminded me of when my mom was sniffling in bed after my dad died and I did nothing because I didn't know what to do. And I don't know what to do. 

That's when I realize I am not 'normal'. I have issues. I do my best, or try to do my best, and my best is different than what I want to be. I want to hide under a rock. I want to be strong. I want to be self confident. I want to lay in bed all day. Yes, I know, I need to accept that this is all me, and it's a decision at a time that determines what I really am.

It's crazy...

Insanity

I'm going insane. The boy moved to Michigan yesterday. I don't think he'll forget about me, but it's so hard to not have any news. He's so incredibly busy I am sure, and I am just a speck so far in his life. But it really sucks. I have to just let it be. Stupid. Yucky. Wait for time to go by.

Annndd I see that there's no context. The boy I went out on a date with, well it turned into this stupid romance novel type thing. We fell hard for each other, and not just because he's moving. In spite of it. But he has soooo much to do that I'm trying to back off and let him deal with his life. I don't need him to support my well being, I just want him to be in my life. It will take time. And that sucks. Patience sucks. :-p

Memories to keep

I went away this past weekend to Kings Canyon Sequoia National Parks and Sequoia National Forest. Beautiful weather, gorgeous scenery, great campsite, flowers blooming, etc.. I want to record some moments so I have them in my memory.

- a bee going from small wildflower to small wildflower. It would land on the flower and the thing would tip almost to the ground
- hearing a woodpecker in the distance
- Listening to one of my favorite bird calls and seeing it come out of the bird's beak
- Seeing the milky way
- Seeing the fish in the river (6 inch long). Then watching them feed later on things floating by on the surface (including one small piece of chip)
- Swimming in the lake in perfect water temperature
- Seeing small ducklings in same water
- feeling Sequoia bark and hugging a tree
- seeing a deer with two small fawns
- Feeling the cold cold river water on my feet

That's pretty good for two short days.

What I've been missing

After a dream last night I realized what I've been missing. I've been missing touch. And openness.

Darn, I was all eloquent this morning about it in my head, and wanted to write it down. Too much Chinese food has wiped it all out.

A guy in my building at one of my jobs who we've said hello to each other for around a year finally asked me where I worked and then tracked me down through LinkedIn. Not in a creepy way. In fact in a way cool way -like someone paid attention to me and thought enough to want to meet me. We had coffee, and I got him to invite me to join him at one of his Giants season tickets games. He keeps saying something about being friends, etc. but then he does things or says things that point a little way from that. Like being certain to point out that he's going to meet a friend for coffee. A guy.

In any event, I've realized how much I shut myself down from being open to any sort of relationship. And how much I miss hugging and touching someone. And speaking openly about stuff like feelings. M is so anti-touch/hug (likely mostly because he didn't feel close to me, but really I had a drought for something like 6 years). I also have a huge wall when all I really want to be is hugged and touched. 

My that sounds so pathetic. And inarticulate. I just had this dream about a guy I have known since '95 who is my safe go to guy, or was until I flipped out last year. He's someone I could fall back on, and he is no longer there. I woke from the dream for this longing for closeness, despite the fact that for the last several years I haven't wanted anyone to get close. I've been fine with being single, and then I feel something missing. I'm not afraid to be by myself, I just for the moment feel the lack.

Oh hell... I can't even explain it to myself.

Here's something I climbed two weeks ago and was so proud of myself for doing with my climbing friend R. That is Cathedral Peak.  11 hours door to door. Scary treacherous down climb. 1.5 hour hike in and then back out. Hell of a day and I did it.  Highest point 11,000 feet.

I'm trying to stretch boundaries in my 50th year.

Characters

I drove up to Washington to spend some time with family. I actually got amazing gas mileage on highway (37!) so I like my car more. :-)

 A couple of characters from the vacation:
- The guy at the gas station who asked me for some money for gas as soon as I got out of the car. I leaned over and got a dollar for him (realizing now he could have shoved me in and taken much more...). He thanks me nicely and explains that he's trying to get home. He had corresponded on FB with this woman he knew from long ago and decided to move down to be with her - got a job there and everything. Well, when he got there he went out to his car to get something and came back in to find her in the bathroom shooting up heroin. So he left.  Good for him!  I wish I had given him more.
- The woman in the thrift store who gave me an evil look when I asked to see something in the jewelry counter. She came over to help and then apologized. Seems that she has amazing sales goals (they have those in a thrift store?) and has to keep everything together and noone is allowed to help her. If she doesn't meet a goal she gets a ding. Three dings and she's out. It sounded horrible. But now I wonder if it could all be true.
- The guy in Oregon with one glass eye who pumped gas for me who was from the SF area near where I live. I kept forgetting which eye to look into. I guess it was mostly the glass eye that stood out.

So I am back and have to get back to work. I didn't do my mindfulness for the week I was away and I feel I'm all f'd up. And feel like I don't know how to interact with people. Sigh. Gotta get back to in the moment.

I see me

One thing about being in a group class, is that if you speak you can see how people might see you. You can see people looking at you when you explain that you were obsessed with the idea that the picture of the duck and ducklings that you donated will not find a good home because noone will want to pay money for it and you should have given it away on Craigslist. I mean, you know it was silly but really it was something you should have gotten over sooner.

Yes, I did that. I was fine with getting rid of it, but given I had had it for over 20 years I want it to have a new home. And I can't be sure having dropped it off somewhere.

I read/have been reading that Japanese woman's tidying book. It sounds so weird, but it truly is a great book. I've gotten rid of stuff and feel so much lighter. And it's not even the tip of the iceberg. I mean, a BUNCH of books on my bookshelf that I moved around with me because at one time they had meaning. But did they have that meaning now?  No. OK, so can get rid of them.  I'm not following her guidelines and doing it all at once, but I am being very selective. Or at least somewhat.  Hey, it's making a difference.

I am so tired. Spent 3 ish hours today trying to figure out an Excel equation (which turned out to need nested if statements).  Whew.

OK that is all there is to see here. Carry on.

Not to be Debbie Downer

It would so suck to actually have that name. Can't even imagine. Would be pretty funny though if she was a very upbeat person.

I have had two mindfulness class sessions. And homework. And while it's not the highest quality, it's great I'm doing it. I keep falling asleep during my homework though.

OK, let's get to the point I wanted to make. Did I tell you M is moving back to this area?  He is. And boy am I anxious. I feel lots of childish things and lots of really normal human being things. I need the thought of him being in this area be one of those things that I acknowledge is there and let glide on by.

For instances:
- I don't want him taking my climbing partners! Especially the one I've had for 5+ years now. Realistically it won't happen - he'll be added to the group but damn, it's bad enough now that we have one woman who I don't know will ever lead outdoors and so when we take her out it's like being her personal tour guide. Which is ridiculous, because my climbing partner is always someone's tour guide, and has been mine in the past. But he's MINE. Ha
- I don't want to go out to dinner as much as he wants. I need to save money. Realistically all I have to do is say no thanks. I just fear it's going to be a lot of no thanks.

And what's funny is that I worry and all this and it will turn out in the end that he has a perfectly wonderful life all his own and I see him once a year. To a certain extent, I wish that would be the case. Is that horrible of me? Not really.

Right now I feel pretty rooted in myself. I have my quirks and issues, but I'm coming to acknowledge them and be comfortable in my self and try to be the best person I can be, and keep growing. I feel like when I'm around M my roots start getting torn up and I start teetering in the wind that is his life force. But it's another one of life's lessons that I need to embrace.

Damn life lesson.

Center right of left

I did get into that mindfulness group, and thank goodness I did. I could use it right now. I'm stressing still about the car and may just up and switch over to the other car. I'm going to test drive it and see what I feel. Shit, it's only money. And I was going to take a big trip for my upcoming 50th, so I'll just not. If that turns out to be the case. The guy's eyes nearly popped out of his head when I said what car I would have to trade in. I realized that it likely was because M did sway my opinion that I got it. He so obviously loved the car and if I were on my own I would have test driven the other. Whatever.

And work. My one job, it frustrates the hell out of me. What I can do versus what it's a big stretch for me to do. Sure, come up with ideas for a way for the team to bond. I generally can't pull shit out of thin air and I like to have parameters to work around. She didn't like that. Whatever. And I say why I'm frustrated dealing with this one document, when I have clearly said I understand where she's coming from, but she just repeats again and again what she's already said and I feel like crap because it feels like she doesn't hear me and I'm an idiot.

I get paid too much for how little I think.

Oh and my roommate wants a cheaper place (who doesn't). And hell I could afford to spend less. But what am I willing to give up? I almost feel like if I have  to give up where I am I may as well move back east. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and not say that if she has her 'friend' over and he turns it up to 75 well that will be expensive. I'm in such an old place that last month we paid $200 in heating.

Oh, did I tell you I'm depressed?  It's clear in how my gut feels. I'm putting on a good show though!

Positivity. Please.

2016

Happy New Year!  May life be full of peace, happiness, and growth.

Are those mutually exclusive?

I've had some adventures. The most exciting one was doing a solo spin out in early December and totaling my trusty not rusty Matrix. I was fine. It's actually ok that I did since it was starting to have problems. It pisses me off though that I pay regularly for insurance, and you have an accident and your rates go up to cover the cost of the money that's paid out to you. What's the point of having insurance then?

After much anxiety, I am settling into the fact that I now own a VW Golf Sportwagen.  The problem was that there was no Matrix out there. Nothing was perfect. But in the end I got a really good price and it's a great car.  M was in town and helped me buy, which was so nice. Yes, he's still in the picture. Kind of on the edge, but still in it.

I have three jobs, and two are up in the air. Trying not to stress.

My name is being put in for a mindfulness group that my psychiatrist recommended. 5? 8? intensive weeks, with hour long homework every night.  I think it will be good.

OK, have to go do stuff.