Friday, October 26, 2007

One last change in my life

OK, I promise after this post I'll put something more exciting up - I may start a series about Africa.

But, this morning I sat down and had a conversation with my supervisors about my depression and the impact it has on my job, and the accommodations I've made and acknowledged the accommodations they are making. This is all a part of taking control of my life after falling back into the depression and realizing it's not going away any time soon and I have to take charge (more so) to make my life better. It wasn't to make excuses for my performance/behavior, it was to try and put a different lens on it. To have them acknowledge and to acknowledge to myself that it's a struggle. It's a supportive environment, so I'm lucky.

I did one very difficult thing. I asked that I no longer be a supervisor. I tried, but right now in my life is not a good time. I'm missing out on a learning opportunity, but I just can't deal with it right now. I've cried about it this morning to my sister, and she said the appropriate supporting words. It's still hard though because I'm not a quitter. And I need to see this as not quitting, but rather taking care of myself. But it still sucks.

I'm glad it's raining! Fits the mood... But the sun will shine again. And there's Krispy Kreme doughnuts in the kitchen.

It's amazing what a book (Eat, Pray, Love) and an editorial (Dali Lama) will do.

8 comments:

Susan said...

I think what you're doing is very important. Yes, you may be missing out on a learning experience but how much can you really be learning and enjoying when you aren't fully taking care of yourself. It's very brave to admit you have to make changes--it's braver to take the steps to make them.

NoRegrets said...

I suppose... Thank you.

WNG said...

I think you are doing the right thing - and you are brave to be doing it. Overwhelming yourself right now is not what you need and truly taking acre of yourself is hard, so good job :) I loved the Dali Lama editorial too! It was exactly what I needed to hear and I printed it out to keep in my desk drawer here in hell - I mean the office.

NoRegrets said...

I'm glad you got something off this site that you keep in your desk!

Tera said...

It's so funny you blogged about this...I feel myself slipping back into depression myself. I know it's affecting my work, and my family life...it's not a happy place, and I hope I can stop it before it starts.

NoRegrets said...

Yes, would be a good thing. Exercise does help. Go into the sunshine a little every day. ETC.

darwinbignose said...

I am not dealing with depression and still would not want have to supervise others. It must be difficult to feel that you had begun on something and feel like you cannot finish it, but I would not have the guts to get started on it to begin with. One of the things that I have always admired about you is that you seem to be aware of what are your limitations and learn to work around them or to successfulyy accomodate them. Maybe that came about because the challenges that you have faced may be greater that the challenges some of us face, but the end result is that you get more accomplished by being aware of your weaknesses and tackling them face on, than many of us do.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks DBN... I appreciate that. Very much.