I have these warring selves inside me.
One wants to be told what to do. To take no responsibility for anything, but rather work to live up to expectations that others set. Relinquish control.
One wants to think for herself and be responsible for her own self. Exercise her free will. Be in control. Take charge.
I'm not quite sure where I learned the former - because it is a learned behavior. Learned helplessness? The latter feels like it requires so much energy right now.
I'm thinking of all this because I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love a woman's journey to learn about herself after a divorce and depression. Her spiritual journey takes her to India, and either a Yogi or a Guru says to her that she should never let herself collapse/fall apart (I forget the wording) because it becomes all the more easier to do it at a later time. So, to always choose to be strong. And I've been thinking about choice, how you always have a choice how you respond to any situation. Even depression. I can let it rule me, be helpless, use it as an excuse to do nothing, or I can be strong and work to do what I need/want to do despite the depression. Trouble is, I don't feel very strong at the moment.
I want I want I want. There are many things I want. But I'm always seeking someone to tell me that it's ok to want them. It's ok to get them. It's ok to make mistakes along the way. The thing is, I need to start making that person be me. To exercise my free will.
postscript: there's a name mentioned in the book that I recognized. turns out someone she knows is someone I dated once. ok, sing along: it's a small world after all...