Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What makes me tick

All I want is some love and affection. I want people to care whether or not I'm in their life. I want them to be able to show it. I want to be able to show it. Yeah, I know, sounds like any normal human being. But I ache from it. All my life I do a lot of what I do to try and get that.

Growing up the youngest child of six in a Polish/Catholic family of course was great. Being the youngest child and all... But imagine only seeing your parents kiss once in your youngest years, and later wondering even then if it was a dream. Imagine never hearing or saying I love you to your family. Or giving or receiving many hugs. The importance of our Christmas Eve ritual became ever more important because it was one of the rare times that we had contact.

Do you wonder why I had a boyfriend almost nonstop since I was 16? I don't. Do you wonder why I seem aloof? Combined with growing up in New England, not having had much experience with physical contact was the reason. Do you wonder why I am brash and harsh and give off the impression that I don't care if you are friendly to me? Because I do care.

I realized all this over the years, and swore that my life would be different. And then I marry a man who isn't expressive emotionally or physically. And I ache almost every single day. He tries so hard, but I don't get what I need.

I can't read all these posts about people's love. I am so jealous and ache so much. I am tired of the constant reminders that valentine's day is coming up. Please leave me alone and stop plugging the 'holiday' to give a boost to the economy. Just bring me my cat back.


Susan said...

Don't go to my blog today.

I haven't walked in your shoes but I have walked in mine. Love is...I don't know. I don't have energy to think today.

Churlita said...

Oh, I'm sorry.You probably don't want to go to my blog today either.

I dated a guy like that last Summer and it drove me crazy. We broke up and I found guy who is very affectionate and openly loving. As sad as it sounds, you just might be with the wrong guy.

NoRegrets said...

Oh, I'll get over it and go to other people's blogs, because it's good to hear about others' experiences. And the 'please leave me alone' was to the damn TV and radio people.
Churlita, many people including me have come to the same conclusion. But acting on it is tough. I keep working and hoping...too much hoping.