-- is the 26946th most common family name in the United States
-- occurs 847 times in the most recent US Census (2000)
* 0.31 out of every 100,000 people in the United States have the family name
* 98.11% are White
* 0% are Black
* 0.71% are Hispanic (any)
* 0% are Asian / Pacific Islander
* 0% are American Indian / Native American
* 0.83% are Two or More
do yours: www.namewiki.info
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Twitter Tuesday
- My ex-ish called me last night on the way to an emergency care clinic. His mom's a nurse and when he called to ask a question she made him go immediately to the clinic. He scratched himself climbing at the gym Sunday, and apparently developed cellulitis, which if left untreated, does baddd things. It's very surprising he got it, since he's really anal about scrubbing any wound he ever has (or I ever had - ouch).
- Again this morning I was greeted at the gym with the pizza thing. My trainer was joking as I walked in that he ordered it 30 minutes ago, and where's his pizza. One of the others chimed in and said that he gets it for free now. So, tomorrow or Thursday I'm bringing a Celeste frozen pizza and pulling it out to give to whoever makes the comment (I get a comment a couple times a week it seems).
- I have ants. Not in my pants. At home on the floor. Crap.
- I love freecycle. Someone took my rhodedenron and will give it a good home. I'm planting a peony there, as soon as I buy it.
- I think I need slippers at work for when I'm sitting at my desk. I might just bring some in. This transition period between summer and fall makes for cold offices.
- I'm dealing with budget stuff all day, so I take breaks way too often. My most recent break was delving into Best of Craigslist, which occasionally has great stuff on it. My favorites today include My Women, and Girlfriend Potential Test, which because it is long I will note the funniest line in the True or False Section: Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.
- Again this morning I was greeted at the gym with the pizza thing. My trainer was joking as I walked in that he ordered it 30 minutes ago, and where's his pizza. One of the others chimed in and said that he gets it for free now. So, tomorrow or Thursday I'm bringing a Celeste frozen pizza and pulling it out to give to whoever makes the comment (I get a comment a couple times a week it seems).
- I have ants. Not in my pants. At home on the floor. Crap.
- I love freecycle. Someone took my rhodedenron and will give it a good home. I'm planting a peony there, as soon as I buy it.
- I think I need slippers at work for when I'm sitting at my desk. I might just bring some in. This transition period between summer and fall makes for cold offices.
- I'm dealing with budget stuff all day, so I take breaks way too often. My most recent break was delving into Best of Craigslist, which occasionally has great stuff on it. My favorites today include My Women, and Girlfriend Potential Test, which because it is long I will note the funniest line in the True or False Section: Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Weekend Moments
I was trying to think of what my favorite weekend moment was for this past weekend, and I thought I had it, but then I wondered if it was because it was one of the later ones.
Here are the candidates for favorite weekend moment:
- went to a music show at a local small venue with some friends. I so wish I could find the artist's name because she was amazing - I think I have it at home and will put it up later. From a small remote Scottish island and sings with a small band (husband, fiddler woman, and guitarist). Sang in Gaelic, played the piccolo sometimes, the accordian once, and as an encore (the MOMENT), the bagpipes (which was so cool to see tuned and which I LOVE).
- went to Lowes to buy a faucet for my kitchen (agonizing over it), went to check out and couldn't find my gift card. Checked out, found it, had to go to customer service to deal with it. The guy was technically off the clock but helped me anyway, so I offered him a tootsie pop. He laughed, said no. I offered him a trail mix bar. He said thanks, no, and asked if I was a nurse. I then offered him some beano. And he laughed more. So we got to talking as he did everything. Turns out he was born in Bosnia, lived in Germany for 10 years, getting his associate's degree, and knew I was Polish by the sound of the last name and the way my hair is graying. Ha! It was just a nice exchange.
- drove around like mad all weekend, and the skies were so amazing - the diversity of clouds, the very isolated showers, the light.
So my original vote was for #2, but the others come close.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Happy Anniversary
Today is/was my anniversary. Would have been six years. And did not talk with my husband at all. Which is as it should be. Life does go on. The court date will come all too soon.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday Hunt - No
I chose the word, and I'm even now able to post on the weekend, because I said over and over to Verxxxzon, No that is not acceptable. No I cannot reschedule because you did not make it out to my house the day you said you would. No I will not be happy until my DSL is active.
So, on a Saturday, I get a call from a tech that he'll be over in 20 minutes, and arrives on time. He's friendly, and does a great job. And it helps that my trainer also was picking shit up from my house that I got for him on freecycle, and he used to be a telephone technician so could hook me up inside. And here I sit...blogging. And there they were, working to get me DSL.
OK, next week's chooser is Evile-can't remember the last time he did it!
So, on a Saturday, I get a call from a tech that he'll be over in 20 minutes, and arrives on time. He's friendly, and does a great job. And it helps that my trainer also was picking shit up from my house that I got for him on freecycle, and he used to be a telephone technician so could hook me up inside. And here I sit...blogging. And there they were, working to get me DSL.
OK, next week's chooser is Evile-can't remember the last time he did it!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Uh oh, I may be in big trouble someday
A battery charge has been dropped against a West Virginia man who had been accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a South Charleston patrolman. The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz of Clarksburg. Mary Frampton, an assistant to Magistrate Jack Pauley, said Thursday the magistrate signed a motion to dismiss the charge. Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces driving under the influence and other charges.
Everyone's doing it
I know everyone's writing and thinking about the economy and the housing market and all interrelated things. And so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon. But in my own way. Which is to simply refer you to a show that aired this Wednesday am (9/24) from 9-12 EST. The image above was taken from the playlist, and there's a whole lot more here. I would highly recommend listening to the show, but you can see on the playlist what songs are on there, and choose according to your pleasure. The comment section at the bottom is also quite amusing.
Hopefully as of today I will have my DSL after 2 weeks of back and forth with Verizon, and I'll be able to post on the weekend. If not, have a great one and see you Monday.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Grrrr...
OK, to keep myself from saying this to her face, I must write it here. "her" being my manager. Thanks for telling me at 4:15 on Thursday that you need that final document at 10:00 Friday when you had earlier sounded so easy-going about it and said the end of the week was fine and made it sound like even next week would be ok. Everything I will get in writing from now on. PIMFA.
My freaky and sick humor
Saw the Onion today, and laughed out loud when glancing at a page. A box, with what looked like an ad - large type: Want to Know What Page You're On? small type: look in the upper corner of the page.
And for your sick viewing pleasure, something from Robot Chicken that I find friggin' hilarious. But, beware, keep the volume down, or watch it at home.
And for your sick viewing pleasure, something from Robot Chicken that I find friggin' hilarious. But, beware, keep the volume down, or watch it at home.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Stairway to Heaven
I was driving around last night and heard Stairway to Heaven on the radio. I was transported back to my Catholic grammar school dances.
This song was both loved and feared by me.
Loved because if I liked a boy, I could dance a slow dance for a long long time, rocking back and forth since that's all we knew. Not too close of course, though at the time I wasn't sure why - I didn't understand penises (penii?) or sex. Maybe it was the nuns watching on the sidelines, ready to beat us with their rulers if we got too close.
Hated because at the end of the song, all of a sudden there's a really fast part, so I had to separate from the boy and flail around and not look too stupid, because then for a brief time at the very end there's a slow part again, and I wanted to be sure I could get back into the slow dance mode and not be walked away from because of my flailing. I think I managed to get back into the boy's arms, probably because they didn't want to look stupid either.
At the same school we had father/daughter dances. Or at least one that I can remember. My dad wooed my mom by dancing. He was an excellent dancer. It was so intimidating because I wanted to follow perfectly, but of course messed up occasionally. Which I'm sure didn't bother him, since he was 1) dancing again 2) dancing with his youngest daughter. I think that was the only time I danced with him, since when I was married he was already dead. But I still remember that one dance.
I wish more men danced well. It's a beautiful thing.
This song was both loved and feared by me.
Loved because if I liked a boy, I could dance a slow dance for a long long time, rocking back and forth since that's all we knew. Not too close of course, though at the time I wasn't sure why - I didn't understand penises (penii?) or sex. Maybe it was the nuns watching on the sidelines, ready to beat us with their rulers if we got too close.
Hated because at the end of the song, all of a sudden there's a really fast part, so I had to separate from the boy and flail around and not look too stupid, because then for a brief time at the very end there's a slow part again, and I wanted to be sure I could get back into the slow dance mode and not be walked away from because of my flailing. I think I managed to get back into the boy's arms, probably because they didn't want to look stupid either.
At the same school we had father/daughter dances. Or at least one that I can remember. My dad wooed my mom by dancing. He was an excellent dancer. It was so intimidating because I wanted to follow perfectly, but of course messed up occasionally. Which I'm sure didn't bother him, since he was 1) dancing again 2) dancing with his youngest daughter. I think that was the only time I danced with him, since when I was married he was already dead. But I still remember that one dance.
I wish more men danced well. It's a beautiful thing.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Twitter Tuesday
- So, every time I work with my trainer at the end of the session I get stretched. Used to just be my legs, but now my neck/shoulders too. Although I whine and swear when he's doing it, I feel so much better afterwards that I'd love to be stretched for the whole hour. But he really does push the envelope, and is constantly telling me to relax or to reach my fingers out further. Yesterday as he's pushing me down between my legs I stared at my crotch and wondered if he'd be stretching me to the point where I could reach it and lick myself like a dog/cat. And then I wondered if I'd want to.
- This weekend I spent almost 4 hours buying a pair of ski boots. The guy helping me was great and I found a great pair in the end (Salomon Instinct), but MAN was it exhausting. I can't imagine how he does it all day, and apparently in the busy season it's 12 hour days with helping 3 people at a time. Whew.
- Found out my right leg is longer than the left. Which can explain some of my body problems, and also explains why I can't turn right very easily when I ski. (the downhill ski is supposed to be weighted, and if that leg is shorter, it's hard to weight it). So, he gave me a lift in my left one and we'll see how it goes.
- The other day I saw a woman spit into a grate. Why is it so much grosser when women spit than men?
- Shared a bottle of wine with some friends Sat. night. Excellent. Resonance Vineyard, 2007, White wine. 70% Gewurtzraminer, 20% Pinot Grigio, 10% Müller-Thurgau. It was not sweet, very fruity, almost buttery. Amazing actually.
- This weekend I spent almost 4 hours buying a pair of ski boots. The guy helping me was great and I found a great pair in the end (Salomon Instinct), but MAN was it exhausting. I can't imagine how he does it all day, and apparently in the busy season it's 12 hour days with helping 3 people at a time. Whew.
- Found out my right leg is longer than the left. Which can explain some of my body problems, and also explains why I can't turn right very easily when I ski. (the downhill ski is supposed to be weighted, and if that leg is shorter, it's hard to weight it). So, he gave me a lift in my left one and we'll see how it goes.
- The other day I saw a woman spit into a grate. Why is it so much grosser when women spit than men?
- Shared a bottle of wine with some friends Sat. night. Excellent. Resonance Vineyard, 2007, White wine. 70% Gewurtzraminer, 20% Pinot Grigio, 10% Müller-Thurgau. It was not sweet, very fruity, almost buttery. Amazing actually.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday hunt - Red
This is the last book I red.
Yeah, I know. I'm a cheating fool. I could list my excuses, but as someone wrote to me recently, I'm saving the drama for my mama.
To make up for it, next week's word is 'No'. Something related to my blog name!
Yeah, I know. I'm a cheating fool. I could list my excuses, but as someone wrote to me recently, I'm saving the drama for my mama.
To make up for it, next week's word is 'No'. Something related to my blog name!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Diary of a grieving woman
I am alone. I have chosen to be alone. There's cockroaches in the kitchen. I woke my neighbor. I was rude, by not thinking.
Next weekend is my anniversary. Anniversary of failure. B&L are moving in with him. W is going climbing with him. The balance tips. He'll be ok without me. And that sucks. Even if I died people would be ok without me. I don't want to die. I want to love and be loved. And I'm scared I'll never get that with someone else. It has to start with me but does it have to end with me?
---------------------------------
Here's a song for scavenger hunt. I thought it was Red is the Color of My True Love's Hair. It's not. But I'm giving you the song anyway, because Nina Simone fits my mood.
Peace to you all.
Next weekend is my anniversary. Anniversary of failure. B&L are moving in with him. W is going climbing with him. The balance tips. He'll be ok without me. And that sucks. Even if I died people would be ok without me. I don't want to die. I want to love and be loved. And I'm scared I'll never get that with someone else. It has to start with me but does it have to end with me?
---------------------------------
Here's a song for scavenger hunt. I thought it was Red is the Color of My True Love's Hair. It's not. But I'm giving you the song anyway, because Nina Simone fits my mood.
Peace to you all.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Received via email - $20 bill
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
The Billy Chronicles
Since many of you seem to like cats, and I don't feel like thinking, here's a shot of Billy taking a walk in my shoes. He wants to go biking!
I keep the front door open so he can look out at night. We're sitting there watching Bones (and I'm trying to put together my Ikea stuff but it's also a pain in the ass), and he starts growling and heads towards the front door. Another cat was sitting right at the front door looking in. How do they know when a new cat's in town???? Billy did a great puffing up and side walking and hissing, but I had to ultimately shoo the cat away. It had a collar on, so it belongs somewhere.
I keep the front door open so he can look out at night. We're sitting there watching Bones (and I'm trying to put together my Ikea stuff but it's also a pain in the ass), and he starts growling and heads towards the front door. Another cat was sitting right at the front door looking in. How do they know when a new cat's in town???? Billy did a great puffing up and side walking and hissing, but I had to ultimately shoo the cat away. It had a collar on, so it belongs somewhere.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Reviews
Ice Cream
I tried, finally, the vanilla honey ice cream from Haagen Daaz. O my god, it's amazing. Thankfully it comes in a small container (1/2 cup is 270 calories though), and I've had enough restraint to not eat it all at once. Which leads me to...
My Body
Given the liposuction photoshop photo, and despite my friends on Friday saying that my arms are looking great, this morning I looked in the mirror and asked my trainer if he thought I was looking better (overall, not just one spot), and he said yes. And said that actually people had been commenting to him about me. I told him he better not be taking all the credit, because he had something good to start with. :-) It's nice to hear other people are noticing, because I've been thinking I look pretty damn good. Wish I had someplace to go to wear a sexy dress...
Movie
Went to see Burn after Reading on Friday, which I think was the day it opened? It's the new one with a whole bunch of stars and done by the Cohen brothers (or is it Cohn?). It's really difficult to give a review for it. Ultimately, what I would say is that it was worth seeing and good. But you have to have patience watching it because you're not sure what the hell is going on. I will say that the previews do not portray what the movie is - it's not a comedy in the true sense of a comedy, but there are definitely LOL moments. Ultimately though it's pretty damn funny, and things sort of get resolved. I really want to hear what others think about it. Oh, wait, there's one thing Susan HAS to see in it.
US. Economy
It makes me sad and angry. I don't understand the economics behind it and I can't say what the solution should be, but I do think that foresight and brakes on greed could have prevented much of this. And I'm very fearful when I heard that FDIC might need a bailout - the bailout institution might need a bailout. All the money's going under the mattress now.
Books
Just finished reading Tender at the Bone by Ruth Reichl, who is the current/former editor of Gourmet magazine. It was really very good - interspersed with recipes so I won't be able to pass it on to anyone else because I want to try some recipes. It truly conveyed the importance of food in a person's life - she just happened to end up making it her life also.
And, I have mentioned it before, but I finally finished Cold Mountain. I can't say too many wonderful things about this book. So beautifully written. I will not see the movie - it will never compare.
I tried, finally, the vanilla honey ice cream from Haagen Daaz. O my god, it's amazing. Thankfully it comes in a small container (1/2 cup is 270 calories though), and I've had enough restraint to not eat it all at once. Which leads me to...
My Body
Given the liposuction photoshop photo, and despite my friends on Friday saying that my arms are looking great, this morning I looked in the mirror and asked my trainer if he thought I was looking better (overall, not just one spot), and he said yes. And said that actually people had been commenting to him about me. I told him he better not be taking all the credit, because he had something good to start with. :-) It's nice to hear other people are noticing, because I've been thinking I look pretty damn good. Wish I had someplace to go to wear a sexy dress...
Movie
Went to see Burn after Reading on Friday, which I think was the day it opened? It's the new one with a whole bunch of stars and done by the Cohen brothers (or is it Cohn?). It's really difficult to give a review for it. Ultimately, what I would say is that it was worth seeing and good. But you have to have patience watching it because you're not sure what the hell is going on. I will say that the previews do not portray what the movie is - it's not a comedy in the true sense of a comedy, but there are definitely LOL moments. Ultimately though it's pretty damn funny, and things sort of get resolved. I really want to hear what others think about it. Oh, wait, there's one thing Susan HAS to see in it.
US. Economy
It makes me sad and angry. I don't understand the economics behind it and I can't say what the solution should be, but I do think that foresight and brakes on greed could have prevented much of this. And I'm very fearful when I heard that FDIC might need a bailout - the bailout institution might need a bailout. All the money's going under the mattress now.
Books
Just finished reading Tender at the Bone by Ruth Reichl, who is the current/former editor of Gourmet magazine. It was really very good - interspersed with recipes so I won't be able to pass it on to anyone else because I want to try some recipes. It truly conveyed the importance of food in a person's life - she just happened to end up making it her life also.
And, I have mentioned it before, but I finally finished Cold Mountain. I can't say too many wonderful things about this book. So beautifully written. I will not see the movie - it will never compare.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Saturday Hunt - 2nd go, and bra counter
It was such an exciting word, I had to do it twice.
First we have my very hairy bed, thanks to my cat, Billy.
Then we have the hair of the dog. Gritty's from Portland, Maine. Sideways. (it IS the hair of the dog after all)
And a bonus photo - where's Billy?
Per squirrel's request, I put a counter on my blog to count the number of times I forget a piece of my underwear at work. I'm not quite sure I have the number right, but it's close enough - too lazy to go back to my posts. And I even had a dream last night about bra shopping. Damn, I wish I could have some of the ones I saw in my dream...
First we have my very hairy bed, thanks to my cat, Billy.
Then we have the hair of the dog. Gritty's from Portland, Maine. Sideways. (it IS the hair of the dog after all)
And a bonus photo - where's Billy?
Per squirrel's request, I put a counter on my blog to count the number of times I forget a piece of my underwear at work. I'm not quite sure I have the number right, but it's close enough - too lazy to go back to my posts. And I even had a dream last night about bra shopping. Damn, I wish I could have some of the ones I saw in my dream...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Photoshop liposuction
And here, I present reality vs. altered state. Very unflattering, but oh so funny. My brother did this to me/for me. The combination of a short top with low cut pants while leaning is not a pretty one, on me at least.
Saturday Hunt - hairy
Well, I don't know what happened but the photos I thought I had transferred to my stick drive didn't convey. Sigh... And I had something clever too. I may have to do it twice. For now, I'll just show you my hairy duct. Isn't that NASTY? I'm breathing all that crap. Yes, I'll get my ducts cleaned. Once I put all my ducks in a row.
Saturday was actually a day of construction/deconstruction. Fixing one wall, and tearing out a cabinet. The most exciting part was that I got to use a sawzall... Gotta love 'em. They cut through anything.
Yesterday was a walk through the hell that is known as Ikea. Clever marketing, but I don't go enough to know the shortcuts, and it pisses me off every time I DO go there so I don't want to go back. I don't want to wander through your store - I want to get to where I need to go. Damn the yellow brick road!
Work is very busy, so not too much cleverness from me...
Saturday was actually a day of construction/deconstruction. Fixing one wall, and tearing out a cabinet. The most exciting part was that I got to use a sawzall... Gotta love 'em. They cut through anything.
Yesterday was a walk through the hell that is known as Ikea. Clever marketing, but I don't go enough to know the shortcuts, and it pisses me off every time I DO go there so I don't want to go back. I don't want to wander through your store - I want to get to where I need to go. Damn the yellow brick road!
Work is very busy, so not too much cleverness from me...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Go fish
So, as mentioned in a previous post, this year's fishing was not the best. The fish were kind of quiet. But still, Ms. Amazing Fisherwoman (me) managed to get hits and catch some fish. My brother always had his camera with him, so took most of the photos, and of course kept joking about erasing them. I made him take a few with my camera, but most shots are of me smiling with my big bass, and since I'm too lazy to cut my face out, I'm just sharing the mouth shot of the last bass I caught.When I fish I go for the big fish. And my favorite place to fish is in the weeds. And the essential lure is the Moss Boss.
I have caught so many honkin' fish with this lure, it's amazing. And even when you miss, it's an adventure. One time during this vacation the monster came 1/4 of the way out of the water, huge open mouth. Luckily the kids weren't with me that time, because there was much swearing to be had.This time, in part because the kids saw me catch one and asked the question - does the fish heal, I started second guessing whether my assumption was correct. That assumption was that a single hook lure is better for the fish than a lure with three hooks (which I now know is called a treble hook). I asked one person, and his response was, if you are worried about the fish, you shouldn't fish. Well, that wasn't my point. I want to fish, but I'd like to do it with the least impact on the fish. I asked one friend last night climbing, and he thought, like me, that because the treble hooks are so much harder to get out, it ends up being worse for the fish. But you could also argue that the single hook places more pressure on that one point and thus can cause more harm (I've see a gash in several fish I've caught - more pickerel than bass). Any comment/idea?
I'll end this post with the peace I found looking at the water.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Jalapeno Corn Bread
Someone made some. Left for others to share. I took a piece. Just can't eat it. One time, years ago, I made it and for some insane reason thought I didn't need to refrigerate it. Days later I was eating a piece. Halfway through, realized it was moldy. About barfed. But can't eat it.
Sadness
Again, a diversion from the Maine stories. I desperately need to write, and thought it only appropriate on the day of nationwide sadness, September 11.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my reality started hitting me on my drive back from Maine. I thought about what I had written in my blog before leaving, that Sept. 8 would start my new life, and a part of me was kicking myself for not truly having this be my 'new life'. In reality, I can't wipe away the last six months and there is no expiration date for mourning, so I'm giving myself a break. Finally.
I'm sad. I'm sad that my relationship didn't work. I tried sooooo hard, and I don't regret anything, but I'm so sad. He really is a wonderful man, just not the wonderful man for me. I second guess that sometimes, like when I hear about other people's marriages, but I try and slap myself upside the head and remember everything I tried and more importantly, remember how I felt.
And I'm sad for my ex-ish, for putting him through all this. Ultimately he'll learn many lessons, albeit painful ones. He's lonely and alone - he called last night and told me how pathetic he felt on Saturday because the only person he spoke to was a store clerk. He knows he has to make friends, and he knows he has to put out more effort - it's just the interim that sucks, and it's difficult for him. I listen, I don't try and make things better for him because it's not my life, but I will respond to his invite and go over to his place on Saturday and have dinner with him. He needs me and I also need him - to maintain a connection. And I guess to get over some of the guilt, which is there no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
I'm sad too about not having children. I thought that would be my life, and again, he would have made a wonderful father. Being around my nieces made me think about that - and I even made a comment that my sister is my mom's favorite daughter since she gave her grandchildren. Sigh, a half joke/fear of mine. At one point when I had JUST moved I started thinking about having a child as a single woman - thankfully a friend slapped me upside the head and said, why don't you get yourself settled first. I know. I know. And at a time when I was thinking about all this, I got some free moving boxes from a woman who had just moved to a two bedroom who was going to foster a child, as a single woman. So there are options out there if I want them. I just need time to mourn all this and get myself straight.
On a different but related note, my performance review is today. The last year was such a difficult one, and I maintained myself ok, but of course I didn't excel, and I did make mistakes, and as my therapist says, I need to own up to that while not beating myself up about it. So much energy was devoted to my personal life, I had none for work. Once my housing situation was finalized a month or two ago, I suddenly had energy for work - imagine that. So this year will be better and I just have to remember that. Of course, I wore a suit to make myself feel professional, but of course, I forgot my bra! Guess I'm not taking off my suitcoat, darn it.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my reality started hitting me on my drive back from Maine. I thought about what I had written in my blog before leaving, that Sept. 8 would start my new life, and a part of me was kicking myself for not truly having this be my 'new life'. In reality, I can't wipe away the last six months and there is no expiration date for mourning, so I'm giving myself a break. Finally.
I'm sad. I'm sad that my relationship didn't work. I tried sooooo hard, and I don't regret anything, but I'm so sad. He really is a wonderful man, just not the wonderful man for me. I second guess that sometimes, like when I hear about other people's marriages, but I try and slap myself upside the head and remember everything I tried and more importantly, remember how I felt.
And I'm sad for my ex-ish, for putting him through all this. Ultimately he'll learn many lessons, albeit painful ones. He's lonely and alone - he called last night and told me how pathetic he felt on Saturday because the only person he spoke to was a store clerk. He knows he has to make friends, and he knows he has to put out more effort - it's just the interim that sucks, and it's difficult for him. I listen, I don't try and make things better for him because it's not my life, but I will respond to his invite and go over to his place on Saturday and have dinner with him. He needs me and I also need him - to maintain a connection. And I guess to get over some of the guilt, which is there no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
I'm sad too about not having children. I thought that would be my life, and again, he would have made a wonderful father. Being around my nieces made me think about that - and I even made a comment that my sister is my mom's favorite daughter since she gave her grandchildren. Sigh, a half joke/fear of mine. At one point when I had JUST moved I started thinking about having a child as a single woman - thankfully a friend slapped me upside the head and said, why don't you get yourself settled first. I know. I know. And at a time when I was thinking about all this, I got some free moving boxes from a woman who had just moved to a two bedroom who was going to foster a child, as a single woman. So there are options out there if I want them. I just need time to mourn all this and get myself straight.
On a different but related note, my performance review is today. The last year was such a difficult one, and I maintained myself ok, but of course I didn't excel, and I did make mistakes, and as my therapist says, I need to own up to that while not beating myself up about it. So much energy was devoted to my personal life, I had none for work. Once my housing situation was finalized a month or two ago, I suddenly had energy for work - imagine that. So this year will be better and I just have to remember that. Of course, I wore a suit to make myself feel professional, but of course, I forgot my bra! Guess I'm not taking off my suitcoat, darn it.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Maine stuff
So, moving from people to stuff.
Here's one of the main (ha) crops -- blueberries. My brother took one of my nieces blueberry picking, and this is the result. These are high bush, cultivated blueberries, which you can tell by the size of the berry. Wild blueberries are of course better, and my brother had bought my mom a container, but those were eaten by this time (day 2 :-) )
I forgot to include a photo, but one of my favorite things to do is go to the farm that sells pick your own flowers. The kids had a great time, even though before going there they thought it would be booorrinnng (oh how I hate that word). The cabin had many bouquets. But anyway, on the way there I saw in someone's yard a bin with a free sign on it, which always calls to me. Free warped produce, such as this. Swan cucumber!
Then on a walk the girls and I found a very flat snake. Not yet identified.
And finally, I went to an estate sale on the first Sunday. It's kinda odd because this woman only holds the sale on labor day weekend and she's been selling off this one woman's stuff for 4 years. Anyway, I saw this on the wall. It's needlepoint, but has quilting patterns on it. Beautiful colors and really well done. Though I'm trying not to spend money, I thought $35 was a good price. There was one next to it that had the date 1880 on it. I don't this is that old, but it's still pretty damn old.
There's the stuff of Maine 2008.
Here's one of the main (ha) crops -- blueberries. My brother took one of my nieces blueberry picking, and this is the result. These are high bush, cultivated blueberries, which you can tell by the size of the berry. Wild blueberries are of course better, and my brother had bought my mom a container, but those were eaten by this time (day 2 :-) )
I forgot to include a photo, but one of my favorite things to do is go to the farm that sells pick your own flowers. The kids had a great time, even though before going there they thought it would be booorrinnng (oh how I hate that word). The cabin had many bouquets. But anyway, on the way there I saw in someone's yard a bin with a free sign on it, which always calls to me. Free warped produce, such as this. Swan cucumber!
Then on a walk the girls and I found a very flat snake. Not yet identified.
And finally, I went to an estate sale on the first Sunday. It's kinda odd because this woman only holds the sale on labor day weekend and she's been selling off this one woman's stuff for 4 years. Anyway, I saw this on the wall. It's needlepoint, but has quilting patterns on it. Beautiful colors and really well done. Though I'm trying not to spend money, I thought $35 was a good price. There was one next to it that had the date 1880 on it. I don't this is that old, but it's still pretty damn old.
There's the stuff of Maine 2008.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I digress from Maine to Palin
Just found this great site: FreakingNews where they ask people to photoshop crazy photos to go with news stories.
One of the more recent tasks was re: Palin, of course. Below is one of them. Not my favorite, which was the Pitbull with Lipstick, but that one was a little too out there to scare people with.
One of the more recent tasks was re: Palin, of course. Below is one of them. Not my favorite, which was the Pitbull with Lipstick, but that one was a little too out there to scare people with.
Maine photos
The 'free' computer I have at home works, and I was able to get photos off my camera last night. What a miracle! I'll have several posts, even though my vacation was not nearly as exciting as Churlita's.
I'm starting with the kids. My nieces were there for a few days and it's always great to have kids around, until they start fighting and complaining, of course. But that's why mom is there.
The kids loved the lake and really wanted to fish and be in the boat. Alas, the fishing kinda sucked this year, so even with worms they caught nothing. They did see me catch some, so at least they saw some fish! (but more on my fishing later). So if you can't catch them, feed them off the dock.
But the boat is fun, at 'high' speed...
Low speed in the channel, looking for turtles and fish...
And medium speed tempting fate and singing the state song...
But the best is either steering (no photo for this) or doing donuts at high speed with your crazy aunt driving the boat. (there's a great video of this)
--------
PS, had my first ever dream with a blogger in it that I haven't met! pretty cool. Will not say who it was... ha.
I'm starting with the kids. My nieces were there for a few days and it's always great to have kids around, until they start fighting and complaining, of course. But that's why mom is there.
The kids loved the lake and really wanted to fish and be in the boat. Alas, the fishing kinda sucked this year, so even with worms they caught nothing. They did see me catch some, so at least they saw some fish! (but more on my fishing later). So if you can't catch them, feed them off the dock.
But the boat is fun, at 'high' speed...
Low speed in the channel, looking for turtles and fish...
And medium speed tempting fate and singing the state song...
But the best is either steering (no photo for this) or doing donuts at high speed with your crazy aunt driving the boat. (there's a great video of this)
--------
PS, had my first ever dream with a blogger in it that I haven't met! pretty cool. Will not say who it was... ha.
Monday, September 8, 2008
For Susan and Tera but not for Heather
Susan, because she is stalking. Tera since she wrote about shit. Heather hates beets.
Did you know that if you eat enough fresh beets at one time that not only will your doodoo turn red, but also your urine? I was very scared yesterday until I realized that's what it was. Mmmm, fresh beets from a farm in Maine.
Did you know that if you eat enough fresh beets at one time that not only will your doodoo turn red, but also your urine? I was very scared yesterday until I realized that's what it was. Mmmm, fresh beets from a farm in Maine.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
On the road
Sunday, and stopped in NJ at my mom's so I could break up my ride back home. Half of the ride I was driving in Hannah (somehow that statement seems so wrong, but I'll leave it in), so it was interesting to say the least. I've read a little bit of blogs, but will have to do more later. My kitty calls me - poor thing was left alone for 4 days because of a set of circumstances related to the people taking care of him - so I have to give him attention.
I'll have a bunch o' posts about my vacation.
But first, part of what I wanted to do was to clear my head and find some peace. There are various theories on how to do this, and not sure I found the right one for me, but it was good enough. I decided to not think about my life, I just wanted to experience nature and to a certain extent my family (mom, 2 brothers, sister, nieces, sister in law). I felt a twang as I set up the tent on the deck, since it's my ex-ish's tent and we'll not be sharing it anymore. But for the most part I just existed.
There were a few times when I felt something 'taking care of' me. Or at least something else.
Once when I was sitting on the dock on Friday. My family was all off doing something else, and I sat in a chair reading, getting sun, feeling the wind, and dipping my foot in the water. I looked up occasionally to appreciate the view of the pond/lake, and thought that I really should go swimming one last time, but didn't want to deal with going to the beach (o so far away - like a 5 minute walk) or showering or whatever. So I turned my chair so I could get both feet in the water, leaned forward to get them in, and was promptly dumped in the water by my chair. I had the presence of mind to throw the book on the dock, which was pretty cool, but the rest of me went in. I got right back on the dock and just started laughing, because it really felt like some force was telling me to not be lazy and get your butt in the water.
The second time, I was driving back, it was raining, and I was on the phone with my ex-ish talking about various stuff, and he tells me my lawyer filed for the divorce, and how he was surprised and it didn't feel good. As we're talking, an indicator light goes on in my car. So, we hung up, and I got off the next exit and went to the nearest gas station to stop and see what the light meant, a bit worried needless to say. Thankfully it was just the low tire pressure indicator, and I called my ex-ish back to let him know and get advice on what pressure to put in. And almost started crying talking to him, because I also didn't expect the divorce filing to happen so soon, or had just put it out of my head. After dealing with the tires, with help from my Toyota guy about the light who happened to be at his desk (who's great), I was feeling very sad and wondered who I should call/could call to talk it out, and looked to my right and saw a sign for Del's lemonade. It truly was the one thing that could make me feel better at that moment. It's a RI treasure - the perfect balance of sweet and sour - and I miss it often. I've never seen it outside of RI, and so I went in and got a large and also a sandwich, both of which were the best things for me at the moment, and my sadness went away, thanks I believe in part for forces aligning and me having the presence of mind to notice it.
I drove off into the rain to continue on my trek home.
(Monday starts a new project for me as well as dealing with a week of emails/work not done, so might not post...or rather should not post. And don't yet have internet at home.)
I'll have a bunch o' posts about my vacation.
But first, part of what I wanted to do was to clear my head and find some peace. There are various theories on how to do this, and not sure I found the right one for me, but it was good enough. I decided to not think about my life, I just wanted to experience nature and to a certain extent my family (mom, 2 brothers, sister, nieces, sister in law). I felt a twang as I set up the tent on the deck, since it's my ex-ish's tent and we'll not be sharing it anymore. But for the most part I just existed.
There were a few times when I felt something 'taking care of' me. Or at least something else.
Once when I was sitting on the dock on Friday. My family was all off doing something else, and I sat in a chair reading, getting sun, feeling the wind, and dipping my foot in the water. I looked up occasionally to appreciate the view of the pond/lake, and thought that I really should go swimming one last time, but didn't want to deal with going to the beach (o so far away - like a 5 minute walk) or showering or whatever. So I turned my chair so I could get both feet in the water, leaned forward to get them in, and was promptly dumped in the water by my chair. I had the presence of mind to throw the book on the dock, which was pretty cool, but the rest of me went in. I got right back on the dock and just started laughing, because it really felt like some force was telling me to not be lazy and get your butt in the water.
The second time, I was driving back, it was raining, and I was on the phone with my ex-ish talking about various stuff, and he tells me my lawyer filed for the divorce, and how he was surprised and it didn't feel good. As we're talking, an indicator light goes on in my car. So, we hung up, and I got off the next exit and went to the nearest gas station to stop and see what the light meant, a bit worried needless to say. Thankfully it was just the low tire pressure indicator, and I called my ex-ish back to let him know and get advice on what pressure to put in. And almost started crying talking to him, because I also didn't expect the divorce filing to happen so soon, or had just put it out of my head. After dealing with the tires, with help from my Toyota guy about the light who happened to be at his desk (who's great), I was feeling very sad and wondered who I should call/could call to talk it out, and looked to my right and saw a sign for Del's lemonade. It truly was the one thing that could make me feel better at that moment. It's a RI treasure - the perfect balance of sweet and sour - and I miss it often. I've never seen it outside of RI, and so I went in and got a large and also a sandwich, both of which were the best things for me at the moment, and my sadness went away, thanks I believe in part for forces aligning and me having the presence of mind to notice it.
I drove off into the rain to continue on my trek home.
(Monday starts a new project for me as well as dealing with a week of emails/work not done, so might not post...or rather should not post. And don't yet have internet at home.)
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