Again, a diversion from the Maine stories. I desperately need to write, and thought it only appropriate on the day of nationwide sadness, September 11.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my reality started hitting me on my drive back from Maine. I thought about what I had written in my blog before leaving, that Sept. 8 would start my new life, and a part of me was kicking myself for not truly having this be my 'new life'. In reality, I can't wipe away the last six months and there is no expiration date for mourning, so I'm giving myself a break. Finally.
I'm sad. I'm sad that my relationship didn't work. I tried sooooo hard, and I don't regret anything, but I'm so sad. He really is a wonderful man, just not the wonderful man for me. I second guess that sometimes, like when I hear about other people's marriages, but I try and slap myself upside the head and remember everything I tried and more importantly, remember how I felt.
And I'm sad for my ex-ish, for putting him through all this. Ultimately he'll learn many lessons, albeit painful ones. He's lonely and alone - he called last night and told me how pathetic he felt on Saturday because the only person he spoke to was a store clerk. He knows he has to make friends, and he knows he has to put out more effort - it's just the interim that sucks, and it's difficult for him. I listen, I don't try and make things better for him because it's not my life, but I will respond to his invite and go over to his place on Saturday and have dinner with him. He needs me and I also need him - to maintain a connection. And I guess to get over some of the guilt, which is there no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
I'm sad too about not having children. I thought that would be my life, and again, he would have made a wonderful father. Being around my nieces made me think about that - and I even made a comment that my sister is my mom's favorite daughter since she gave her grandchildren. Sigh, a half joke/fear of mine. At one point when I had JUST moved I started thinking about having a child as a single woman - thankfully a friend slapped me upside the head and said, why don't you get yourself settled first. I know. I know. And at a time when I was thinking about all this, I got some free moving boxes from a woman who had just moved to a two bedroom who was going to foster a child, as a single woman. So there are options out there if I want them. I just need time to mourn all this and get myself straight.
On a different but related note, my performance review is today. The last year was such a difficult one, and I maintained myself ok, but of course I didn't excel, and I did make mistakes, and as my therapist says, I need to own up to that while not beating myself up about it. So much energy was devoted to my personal life, I had none for work. Once my housing situation was finalized a month or two ago, I suddenly had energy for work - imagine that. So this year will be better and I just have to remember that. Of course, I wore a suit to make myself feel professional, but of course, I forgot my bra! Guess I'm not taking off my suitcoat, darn it.