Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sadness

Again, a diversion from the Maine stories. I desperately need to write, and thought it only appropriate on the day of nationwide sadness, September 11.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my reality started hitting me on my drive back from Maine. I thought about what I had written in my blog before leaving, that Sept. 8 would start my new life, and a part of me was kicking myself for not truly having this be my 'new life'. In reality, I can't wipe away the last six months and there is no expiration date for mourning, so I'm giving myself a break. Finally.

I'm sad. I'm sad that my relationship didn't work. I tried sooooo hard, and I don't regret anything, but I'm so sad. He really is a wonderful man, just not the wonderful man for me. I second guess that sometimes, like when I hear about other people's marriages, but I try and slap myself upside the head and remember everything I tried and more importantly, remember how I felt.

And I'm sad for my ex-ish, for putting him through all this. Ultimately he'll learn many lessons, albeit painful ones. He's lonely and alone - he called last night and told me how pathetic he felt on Saturday because the only person he spoke to was a store clerk. He knows he has to make friends, and he knows he has to put out more effort - it's just the interim that sucks, and it's difficult for him. I listen, I don't try and make things better for him because it's not my life, but I will respond to his invite and go over to his place on Saturday and have dinner with him. He needs me and I also need him - to maintain a connection. And I guess to get over some of the guilt, which is there no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

I'm sad too about not having children. I thought that would be my life, and again, he would have made a wonderful father. Being around my nieces made me think about that - and I even made a comment that my sister is my mom's favorite daughter since she gave her grandchildren. Sigh, a half joke/fear of mine. At one point when I had JUST moved I started thinking about having a child as a single woman - thankfully a friend slapped me upside the head and said, why don't you get yourself settled first. I know. I know. And at a time when I was thinking about all this, I got some free moving boxes from a woman who had just moved to a two bedroom who was going to foster a child, as a single woman. So there are options out there if I want them. I just need time to mourn all this and get myself straight.

On a different but related note, my performance review is today. The last year was such a difficult one, and I maintained myself ok, but of course I didn't excel, and I did make mistakes, and as my therapist says, I need to own up to that while not beating myself up about it. So much energy was devoted to my personal life, I had none for work. Once my housing situation was finalized a month or two ago, I suddenly had energy for work - imagine that. So this year will be better and I just have to remember that. Of course, I wore a suit to make myself feel professional, but of course, I forgot my bra! Guess I'm not taking off my suitcoat, darn it.

16 comments:

Squirrel said...

Well, I give you an A+ performance review, for what it's worth. Great job keeping it together this year, despite hella trying times.

Re: bra. NoR, you are too much sometimes! I think you should put a counter on your blog for the times you've forgotten/neglected to wear some sort of undergarment to work.

Glamourpuss said...

For all your (understandable) sadness, you seem to be holding yourself pretty well and you deserve a huge pat on the back for that. As to your ex, it's easy to say you should have no contact with him, but unless it's damaging either of you, I think you should do what feels right for you.

No bra? Minx.

Puss

Susan said...

{{hugs}}

and tacos

NoRegrets said...

Squirrel, aw thanks. And I may indeed install a counter. And then I may never do it again - it might help.

Thanks Puss. I actually am walking around with my jacket off. Trying hard to control the urge to jump up and down in the hallway.

Susan, thanks for the tacos. You should read Puss' Wed post.

ALL - CRAP! My boss is stressed on the day of my performance review. Fuck me. This is going to be fun. Pain in my fucking ass.

NoRegrets said...

It went fine...

Tera said...

NoR just remember...if you are the only one working on a relationship, it will NOT work. It takes equal effort from BOTH parties. It sucks, because we as women tend to give more than they are willing to give along the lines of effort. The fact that you have no regrets means that you did exactly what you were supposed to and will one day feel good about it.

Ahem...did you want a kid? I have an 8 year old who may need a new mother soon!

And why are you always forgetting your bra NoR? We're going to have to work on that! Every time you mention that, I think about what my day would be like if I forgot mine! Catastrophic!

NoRegrets said...

See the thing is, eventually he did put forth effort. I guess it's the word eventually that means something. Or it just wasn't mean to be. I have no fucking idea.

Bra was in the basement - drying. Mind wandered before I could get down there... Not wearing nasty sweaty bra from biking into work.

Tera said...

You were just probably tired before the day after eventually came...that's all.

Wow.

The CEO said...

Given your review, which went well, I wish your personal review had given you more credit for all the things that you do so well. They really do seem to outweigh the things you don't do so well. I think it's called balance. Ask Puss, she's the smart one.

Churlita said...

It's tough, but if you talked to him for years, and he didn't try until the last hour, he'd probably go back to his old ways once he was sure he had you back again.

By all means, let yourself grieve and get pissed off. It's the only way to work through it.

NoRegrets said...

Last hour? Oh, how do you define that?? He started trying earlier than that, once I said I would leave if we didnt' go to counseling... crap. I can't begin second guessing myself. Any of you women would be happy to have him. Maybe.

NoRegrets said...

Oops, actually Monty, she did give me credit for taking care of myself - physically, psychologically, medically - but thought it odd to put into a performance review. Which I think it would be.

M. Robert Turnage said...

Here is my way of getting through all performance reviews. When they start talking about what you did and yadda yadda, go, "Nonononono. *I* am Jen Luc Picard and *YOU* are Number One. You can proceed on my mark, Number One."

And then I never give the mark.

Works every time.

NoRegrets said...

You must work for yourself MRT.

heather said...

you don't want to know my review process. i may have to adjust it a bit now since i'm the one who will be doing the reviews...

i agree with squirrel, you should have a counter for times undergarments have been forgotten. lol

you've done great! you can hold your head high knowing that you have had ~major~ life changes this year but you are still functioning. still learning. still making friends. still leaving the house when you don't absolutely have too.

if you don't want to take tera up on her offer of d you can borrow cheeks. the two of you can make up stories till the cows come home and then eat blueberries by the bucket. i think she even likes beets too. (i'd have to check with her on that though)
course i'd be jealous then that she got to hang out with you and i didn't.
may have to rethink that offer.

evilesb138 said...

no bra--sounds like a good search term to me.....

I hope the performance review goes well in all seriousness.