Spring has sprung

Ahhh...



Choo!

OMMM

OMMMMG
It's your birthday!



Said Buddha to my boss. My colleague had the Buddha and we brainstormed what to say. I loved it...

Never let a good friend visit

And make you relax after a month of nonstop work.

Super duper all day migraine yesterday. Luckily my friend was there to bring me applesauce, ginger ale, tea. She did go off to a museum, which was good. And Billy joined me in bed for a while.

Today's a migraine hangover. Have a happy day!

Am I blue

Or is it you?



Took far too long to paint this small small room. Ugh. I need to go to sleep. But, I'm excited to have a blue room. A color in my house! Woo hoo! And I got the paint at Habitat ReStore for $3 I think. Almost a full gallon of Benjamin Moore eggshell paint. I prefer this way of picking colors. That color wheel that's out there is just too much for me.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

Ah, those wonderful commercials.

So, I'm back on that roller coaster of is it just me or is it at least influenced by the bipolar thing? I think it's the latter, but it sucks. Brain going in all different directions, a bit irritable, trying to do too much, getting clumsy and breaking a beautiful glass, etc. Anxiety anxiety anxiety. And then anxiety about where the anxiety is coming from. LOL. Stop the spiral!!!

Quick thinking

M, through me, gave my nieces a bin of sidewalk chalk (as well as a container of fart putty which A considered him to be 'awesome' for). So they decided to draw a life size house on the basketball court. Here you see the finishing touches being put on the photos that are hung from a bar just like in all the decorating magazines.

E started getting bored, so to liven things up, I drew flames coming out of the burner on the stove. Oh no!!! My sister and I made noise, while A calmly went to the bucket of water they had nearby to use to clean up mistakes, dipped a paper towel in, and rubbed out the fire. No words. No nonsense. Very funny. A cooool chick.

It was a nice afternoon.

Random

- I'm tired. I went to M's house last night to do a few things and it ended up being way longer than I expected. But, I made a difference so that's good. And, oh, oops, we realized that the new dishwasher has a handle, thus making it impossible to open the drawer next to it fully.
- I also am so excited-ish to be able to make my place better. I sorted through crap last night and got a whole bag full of recycling.
- I am also excited in an odd way that M is not in town this coming weekend. I have some time to myself, and a good friend is coming to visit for half the weekend, and maybe even helping me do stuff.
- I now know I HAVE to rent. I was waffling, but then some stupid jerk put a house on the market around the corner from me for about $150k less than value. ARG!!!! So, gotta start on that process. But apparently it'll be good tax-wise, since we won't own a home.
- I'm not sure how I feel about the health care bill. I don't know enough to have an opinion. In theory, sounds great. But, the devil is in the details. And it might be literal in this case. But, here I approach having no health insurance unless through COBRA or M's insurance, which I'm not sure allows domestic partnership (forced marriage for health insurance???).

OK, work. Have a great day!

I don't know it all

When I am sure I don't know something, I'm not afraid to ask about it. Questions=learning. I got through a very difficult course in graduate school because I was not afraid to ask questions - questions that I believe most people had but did not ask.

But, oh, how when I think I know something, I think I know it. My hackles go up if anyone tries to give me advice or correct me. Or, I just shut them off before they can even speak. "I don't want to do this around me because you're going to say it's wrong."

I so need to get over that. For example, I don't know how to spray paint well. We painted the bathroom cabinet white to cover up the weird colors. I did the drawer faces. Kinda looked ok in the garage, but in the bathroom you could see that it was uneven and some of the old color was showing through. Sigh. I gotta learn that I need to learn...

ee cummings - poets advice to students

A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feeling through words.

This may sound easy. It isn't.

A lot of people think or believe or know they feel - but that's thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling. And poetry is feeling - not knowing or believing or thinking.

Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.
To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

As for expressing nobody-but-yourself in words, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn't a poet can possibly imagine. Why? Because nothing is quite as easy as using words like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time- and whenever we do it, we're not poets.

If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you've written one line of one poem, you'll be very lucky indeed.

And so my advice to all young people who wish to become poets is: do something easy, like learning how to blow up the world-unless you're not only willing, but glad, to feel and work and fight till you die.

Does this sound dismal? It isn't.

It's the most wonderful life on earth.

Or so I feel.

Focus!

So, the whole possibility of a half time thing is driving me to distraction. First I feel I want/need it, then I go crazy with the three people I work with/for and would be happy to be done with it. And the times I'm interested in it, I have the president of this organization telling me of all the people she's thinking of to replace me ("oh, you just need someone with good organizational skills"). Or, I have one of my directors making the mistake of copying and 'enemy' about what scheming is going on behind the scenes. UGH! I mustn't worry and just go about my business, which is spending almost every free moment getting M's place ready. I am very tired of moving shit, packing shit, cleaning shit, sorting shit, and craiglisting shit. But, it will all be over before I know it.

Pour some sugar into me

Actually, probably better would be protein.

OK, those both in certain minds and contexts are rather rude. Let me explain what I mean.

I need to eat, frequently. I think I've mentioned that.
Sometimes things get in the way of me eating as I should.
Meltdowns occur, like last night.

Poor M is going nuts getting his place ready. I've been going nuts too trying to help as much as possible. His endurance is greater than mine. I feel bad if I don't keep up with him. I did not eat well before I left and did not feel like I could stop to eat when I got there.

Me: silent and sullen. Him: wondering what the hell is going on and did he do something wrong. Me: not able to communicate much, in between the crying. Him: going nuts trying to get me to say SOMEthing.

Oh, what a bad scenario. And it's happened more than once. I fall back on the 'I don't always/I can't always take care of myself.' Guess I have to get over that one a little more. No, I don't want him to shove food into my mouth. And yes, it would be helpful if he asked if I've eaten and suggest I eat something. There are way too many boring background details to explain why this sometimes/always doesn't work well with us.

Suffice to say, improvements are needed. And we'll work on them.

It's just interesting that last night I had these out of body experiences. My body and half of my mind was working like a 5 year old. I truly felt like I was a little kid. And the adult half was looking at me/ listening to me saying what the hell are you doing?? I took 2 minutes to shove something into my mouth, and 5 minutes later I had a greater ability to communicate.

Thing was, I wasn't feeling great all day. Just kinda down - I even resorted to retail therapy in the middle of the day (end of season 70% off at the local store - that's as high as I can go above thrift stores. I'm way too cheap). So, part of me was wondering if it was depression or something else. In the meantime, I'm lying on the floor in a semi-fetal position, crying (how embarrassing to admit it), or sitting in front of an open fridge shoving food into my mouth. Ugh, how nuts. But again, 5 minutes later, feeling fairly ok.

Food glorious food. And today, maybe, caffeine glorious caffeine. Working out problems in relationships takes way too many minutes/hours.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Rest in Peace Sid

Sad. My mom's cat had to be euthanized today. Sidney was a great cat. He started out in North Carolina at my sister's neighbor's house. They moved away and Sid became theirs. Very much an outdoor cat, but very very loving and needful of affection. When my sister moved into an apartment where they couldn't have cats, Sid moved in with my mom. He squeaked - he didn't meow. And lovvveed to be combed. Especially by my brother, who looked like he was abusing the poor cat, but he was just getting fur out. Eventually Sid got really spoiled - when he got used to my nieces, they would pet him as he ate, and so he got used to that, and would look up at you waiting for you to pet him so he could eat. My mom loved him so much, and he was someone she could take care of and spend time with - even if he was spoiled. We all will miss him very much, but nooone as much as my mom. I hope she does ok. But he lived a long good life - we think he was over 20 years old. He just couldn't go on.

climber smurf dwarfed by his ancestors

Believe it or not, the framed item is a piece of art. M bought it a long time ago as a joke for someone and never gave it away. He was going to get rid of it, but I want it and will keep it. Yay! climber smurf is happy too.

Ode to Pie

ya know, I never was much of a pie woman. except growing up when mom made the strawberry pie - a cold one with whipped cream. mmm... my brother got ridiculed one year when he tried to make it and didn't bake the crust beforehand. yucky.

but then, i lived in Eugene OR one summer, living with my boyfriend at the time who was finishing school at U of O. we would go places every single weekend - glorious beautiful places (i may think that oregon is the most beautiful state in the union - sheer diversity of beautifulness).

one main road went through the town of Nimrod (which was always funny to us - he even posed once as a nimrod near the Nimrod sign). well, there was a pie place on that road - mom's pies. a counter with stools in front of it, where you'd sit down and have a piece of berry pie (oregon has great berries). although i wasn't a pie person, i appreciated those pies. fresh berries, great crust. mmmmm...

i never got into pies much even after that, since every time i tried to make a berry pie it would be all runny and that was no fun. i also was very against cherry pie - ugh, the whole concept of opening a can and throwing it between two crusts - ugh. but then i had my mother-in-law's cherry pie. made with door county WI sour cherries. omg. really really good. and i got her recipe, and learned that you just needed to add a little tapioca to make it firm.

later, i got into making apple pies, because a friend told me a secret about how to make that not run. a relatively large amount of flour (at least 1/4 cup - ish) and carefully layering the apple slices so they are stacked beautifully and tightly. Mm.... (and pst, a secret I learned - a leetle bit of cardamom)

i think i'm going to make banana bread tonight.

Freaky Friday

Classic Ziggy.

Perfectly unemotional

Trying to be. But I get tired of trying.

In any event, spring is on the way. Stuff is poking up out of the ground. I don't think my peony (damn, is that what it is?) is going to make it. I transferred from the front not so shady yard, but I think squirrels got to it. But some bulbs I planted are coming up - I forget what they are. Daylillies are certainly coming. My rosemary got beaten up with the storms, but it's still alive. Just not as pretty. I think my lilac got destroyed on the side, but we'll see. My sage has a little bit of life. And I wonder if I'll get any volunteers from the tomatoes and anise. We'll see. Or not. Not sure when those would poke up through the ground. My last spring here.

Ok, gotta work.

Friend

Who is Climber Smurf's friend?
Or rather, what is it?
What's its name?

BTW

Weekend and music

Hi there - quick update. The POD is almost packed. Damn, it holds a lot of stuff. We put in all that M had ready and it wasn't even half full on Saturday. So, scrambled to get more things in there, including a bunch of my furniture. Thing is, my house doesn't miss it. It's kinda nice to have less in the house. Trouble is, my 93 year old neighbor stuck her head out yesterday as we were packing up the patio set, and asked if I was moving. And of course she asked if I was selling or renting. I can picture her causing all sorts of trouble if the neighbor makes any sort of noise (if I rent). sigh, we'll see. She does approve of M though :-). Also saw Alice in Wonderland. Really was good, except for the few moments that Johnny Depp fell into Captain Jack Sparrow sorts of movements - way too similar. But overall very well done.

Here's some music for you. Just got into him. Justin Townes Earl - Mama's Eyes - at South by Southwest in Austin. (I would embed, but it was way wide.)

Quote with no bra

From my calendar:

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?

Attributed to Frank Scully, whoever that is.

Updating bra counter.

I have packed one box tonight

Exactly one box. Of course this box contains two small really nice speakers that I got for free and thus had no box, and so it required much creative protection-making (thank goodness I didn't throw away the styrofoam packing from my ceiling fan!). But one box. Oh, and I found a box in my closet that I had never unboxed and so that sort of counts for another, right?

I only feel ok because I also made chili and lasagne tonight. That took an hour. The lasagne will maybe feed those, now two, people who are coming to help us throw stuff into a POD on Saturday.

And one half of my work wants to keep me and will fight to keep me and have me work remotely. Despite the fact that I would have no loyalty and if I got a full time job would take it. So that's good.

But still, remind me this will all be worth it.

Writing Blog

The sun was edging on the horizon, peaking through silver slits of clouds. She sat there watching, waiting for the end of days. On this day she had wished for a fresh new start. Oblivious to what was really happening to her. She couldn’t shake that feeling of being watched. She didn’t know who or why, but she felt it.*

She looked over her shoulder, but saw nobody there. The feeling stayed with her as she got up and start to walk back toward the house. A rustling in the bushes caught her attention as she nervously peered in, squinting to see who or what was there. A squirrel ran out and toward the large oak tree. She jumped, but knew that wasn’t what made the noise. She looked in again and said in a low-pitched squeak, ‘Hello?’**

There was no reply. She didn’t really think she’d get one, but it was worth a shot. The only way to really know what was back there, was to suck it up and take a second, better look. This time, she carefully separated the branches to be able to see better in the back of the bushes. At first it just looked like a large rock, but then she saw the two thin arms, bent and reaching up to cover his head. It was a young boy, curled up in the fetal position, and trying to make himself disappear.***

During such strange times, she expected to wake up and realize she was just dreaming. At this moment, however, she realized this was all too real. Her head started to get tight, her heart hammered threateningly. She couldn’t run away from this scene, not with a child lying helplessly at her feet. She carefully knelt down, took the wool scarf from around her neck and quickly wrapped up the child, sheltering him from the cold, bitter wind that had suddenly whipped through the trees. She cradled and comforted the boy in her arms and stood up. Just inches behind where she stood, a thick branch snapped. ****

She gasped and instinctively clutched at the child more tightly. She froze, waiting. She could feel the boy trembling in her arms, his eyes still shut tightly against whatever was happening to him. Finally, when no other sounds disturbed the uneasy peace of the morning , she stepped quickly onto her porch and opened her front door awkwardly. She had been raised in a group home and had helped to care for many, many younger children over the years. Thinking back to what had been comforting, she settled herself in the old wooden rocker she'd found set out at someone's curb and began to rock slowly and steadily, humming almost under her breath to the small boy huddled miserably against her.*****

Humming turned to singing. Because she held him tightly and he seemed like a baby in her arms, instinctively she sang "Rock a bye baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows, the..." She stopped suddenly - common sense prevailed. The poor boy was too old for that song - and he didn't need to hear that "the cradle will fall." Neither did she. She started in again, slowly singing "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine..", falling into a reverie, taken away to arms that once held her. The boy slowly settled down. Even the wind was calmed by the singing of her song.%

So that is our story thus far...
* Mrs. Hairy Woman
**Alien CoffeeGround
***Churlita
****Tara
*****laura b.
% NoR
%%Ananda girl