Today is Day 1 of my half time job until December. I'm grateful for it. But boy, I was ready to leave it completely three months ago... Now jumping back in... boy o boy. On top of the apathy, I have to start juggling my life better now! Darn it. But maybe that means that life won't just pass me by which it seems to do when you have no schedule. Or at least that's the way with me.
I'm struggling people. I'll say that. I need to get myself a diary because I lost my hard copy one somewhere in the move. I need it to figure out my thoughts/feelings. And I can't write here to figure it out because very reasonably M has asked me to not share things until we've talked. But I type faster than I write, and I get tired of being at the computer, so I gotta figure that one out.
Since M and I have discussed and fought about this to no end, I can write this. Apparently I am not normal in that I don't say please and thank you enough (very rarely?), and also don't respond verbally enough to comments that he makes - eg. acknowledging that he's spoken. We had yet another blow out yesterday about these issues.
It's a blowout sometimes because I feel that if you ask a question nicely (eg, can you do this) then the word please is not necessary. I agree that thank you or thanks is good to use and I should do it more often. But he thinks that it's absolutely necessary and everyone he knows does it all the time.
It disturbs me to think that I perhaps don't respond to comments enough. I always thought I did, but I know in the past I used to create a bubble around me so that I was inwardly focused and people kind of were fuzzy outside that bubble. Like trying to speak/interact through water. It disturbs me because I have in the past done that at work - my last job for example. My boss didn't think I worked well in a team. I think part of that had to do with all the shit I was going through. But is that me? It's not who I think I am.
Sigh. It's hard because M is not shy about what he thinks and I realized I get very overwhelmed by all that comes out when it's about the way I'm acting or how he's interpreting what I'm doing or not doing. I either accept it and start beating myself up, or I have issue with it and can't articulate fast enough in a polite way what I want to express. Or I wonder if it's true and I need time to process it. It's hard because he thinks this all should be easy - it's just a question of attitude. My response is yes, sure, but I'm not there. And I wonder if I can be that simple - to just have an attitude that it's easy. Mel posts all these fairy words of wisdom that say that, but man, I seem to not be able to do that.
Yesterday I felt like I cannot be me and be loved by him. But I do have a problem with being told someone doesn't like something that I'm doing or about me. Hackles go up or I shut down. I acknowledge that this is bad and it needs to change. Thing is, I keep hearing about all the things that need to change. And it is also in my nature that I forget the things that I hear that are positive - though given the stress of the last 1.5 months I'm not sure how many positive things I have heard from him.
I hate the fact that I may perhaps possibly be not easy to live with. I really thought I was ok. But maybe he's not letting some of my foibles go enough. I hear him say 'it shouldn't be this difficult' and I remember hearing that from an ex-boyfriend a while back. Do I make life difficult? Or is it just never the right person? I know a woman who does not live with her husband and loves it. I know another friend who says if she could just live apart from her husband things would be well. I want to be able to live with someone and enjoy and have fun and be easy. But maybe I was born without an easy button. I should see if someone can staple one on me...