Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Spiral-gyro

I thought about writing this in the third person, but that's just not my style, at least right now.

So it has become really evident that all the stress of the past three months (at least) has caused me to spiral downward, or around and around. I see it clearly now that I start having intrusive thoughts of being on a bridge and thinking about how it would be to commit suicide off of it - not thinking of doing it, mind you, but just thinking fairly dispassionately. I'm not sure if it's just depression - it's so hard to tell what's 'me' and what the disease is creating or even exacerbating. It's also helpful to find a psychiatrist with whom I can really share, so it affirms my feelings about there being something wrong.

Yes, the psych at UCSF will work, for now at least. I'm not sure about long term, and overall not sure of it. I had both a resident and a senior person talk to me. I'm not super psyched about the resident, which is why I have my hesitations. And not sure if in the long run I want to help with her learning - I'm too concerned about myself right now. I could see her working her professional side, and she did ok with that, but I also saw her hands shaking, and her foot swinging. And having her comment about me being married for a short time...I called her on that - 6 years is short? and she was flustered. But, as I said, it's better than anything I've found. I may move on to someone I talked to while I was in Maine, even though she doesn't take insurance, because I found out yesterday that my $5k deductible has to be met before I get ANY benefits. Fu**ers, but I read the literature wrong too, I'll admit it.

They want to put me on an antidepressant for a short time, and though I don't like that I'll do it. I need to do something, as my instability is causing relationship problems. M has never lived with such a thing as me...and I know it can't be easy. Yeah, there's always stuff but this certainly doesn't help. I mean, when like last night I collapse on the bed crying (my head just so full of static that I can't think but only cry), then go outside to walk around thinking I should smash my hand into something (but I don't!) and sit on a sidewalk thinking about if things were a different I could be homeless on the street with a mental illness (but I'm not!)...it's bad, and actually, embarrassing. But I will toot my own horn and remark how I calmed myself down until I could think clearly. I controlled the self harm thoughts and again, calmed myself down. It felt good and I felt powerful. Part of me wonders if it's just the switch to a high (ie bipolar doing it) but I will give myself the credit for this.

The beat goes on, and I'm trying to dance rather than be beaten. It's really hard sometimes though. I want to be stable after having been through all the crap I've been through. But I have to accept that that's not always possible, and I'm better than I would have been not on medication. Sigh.

Off to work.

10 comments:

laura b. said...

I'm so sorry you are battling all of these thoughts and feelings. I can fully appreciate not wanting to be medicated...sounds like it would only be until you are able to be in therapy consistantly and can get stabilized. You're a very strong person and I know you will get through this...and PLEASE, yes, give yourself credit!

3GirlKnight said...

I'm glad you're seeking help from someone. Please continue to look for it, even if you can't find a great fit right away. In my experience, it doesn't just go away by itself. I'll pray for you!

Tara said...

*Hugs*

Thinking of you and hoping there was something we could do.

I agree with 3GirlKnight, keep seeking help. You'll find it easier if you keep looking rather than if you stop.

Churlita said...

That's so hard. One of my good friends has very similar stuff she's dealing with. I sent her a copy of your post, so she could see she wasn't alone. Thanks for helping others out by speaking out.

NoRegrets said...

Ah well, it's my life. Thanks all for your comments.

NoRegrets said...

OK, to further...
I will give myself credit.
Churlita, well, thank you. I often wonder if what I vomit out means anything to anyone but me.

Ananda girl said...

I think under the circumstances that you are being very brave and proactive. Keep doing what you are doing. And yes, the things you say matter very much. You have been an inspiration to me many times and I am so glad that I found my way here.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks Ananda - it's not all about you all, but it's nice to know I make a little bit of a difference.

Churlita said...

For sure. My friend said she could have written your post herself and was glad she wasn't the only one. She might friend you on FB or write you a letter. It meant that much to her.

Pamela said...

Churlita, that's nice, but of course bad for her! She can certainly FB me and would actually like that, as long as she knows I'm anonymous here.