DBT

So my psychiatrist recommended I look into DBT.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which is like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but different. Click the link and find out.

Happily there's someone near me who practices it, so I'm going to try. I went today and she seemed pretty good. The problem is that the approach deals with really focusing on what you are doing and analyzing it. Arg. I have to go back to that.

See, today I started thinking about / freaking out about the possibility of losing my job. Where would I go? What could I ever do? Anxiety rose... If I wasn't able to push it away, I would have been lost in the spiral of despair. So I fear getting lost in the spiral. But hopefully part of the learning is learning how not to. I assume so. 

EEOC

Had the rug pulled out from under my feet on Wednesday. My general manager had a discussion with me that he has noticed and others have commented to him that I have been... and I forget the exact phrasing. Irritable? Negative? But basically he said if it continued then I would be gone. Not those exact words. He did say he'd be willing to help me by calling attention to the times I do it - so it's not like he already made up my mind and I am gone which is GREAT.

So, I know I've had a couple reactions that were completely outside the realm of how a normal person would react. But I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not. So, it's time to go into survival mode. And that means I have to register as a person with a disability and get accommodation. The only accommodation I want is time to go to a therapist every week and not have to make up the time.  I also have talked to a friend at work and asked that we go for a walk several times a week at lunchtime. Get out of the office. Smooth out my day.

Let me tell you, I may sound calm, but it SUCKS. I do not want to label myself. I don't want to be protected by the EEOC and ADA. But realistically, I have occasional extreme responses. I am overly irritated at times. And I need to be protected. If I lose this job, I really don't know what I would do. Likely continue on, but my initial bad thoughts were that I would give up.

We have a external management company - PEO it's called. So I called our contact there and 'came out'. And, as often is the case, you start talking about your mental health issues and the person you are talking to has a relative or friend with a mental health issue. In this case, her daughter has bipolar. Regular bipolar which I consider to be so much more difficult. Not that I live it... but it just seems like it would be worse. She has done some investigation about the process - it is of course complicated. But I will have help, which is a great thing.

I just so happened to have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, so it was good to discuss. I might get a referral for a therapist. I hate hate hate the idea of a therapist. I don't want to be thinking about this and looking at my navel again, but I have to. I have to figure out ways to deal with this and not cause more issues. And keep the job. And maybe in the process get better at maintaining relationships.

Lordy.  Here are a couple dahlias to smooth out this post. I saw the results of a competition in Golden Gate Park.  I think it's my new favorite flower.

No return

Went to Tuolumne and it was cloudy. My normal climbing partner wasn't there - went with two newbies, and with my normal climbing partner not there it was like I was a newbie. We were smart enough to know we needed to do one-pitch climbs, but not smart enough to know we couldn't even do that on this particular day. So, found the climbs and it started hailing on us. Cold!  Then it was a cold wet rain. We were going to wait it out (spooning and hugging to keep warm) but one was too cold, so we walked down in the rain. The climbs we were going to do were waterfalls, and we walked through a stream. My wonderful new waterproof boots did amazing, as well as my rain jacket that I had not yet tested.

So we went out of the park down to the Mobil Mart / Whoa Nellie Deli at about 3:00. Spent hours there having a good time. Then we heard that the pass was closed!  The pass we needed to use to get back into the park to our campground. Ooops. With no rooms available in Lee Vining, we had to go to Mammoth Lakes.

It sounds like an epic, but it was actually fine. The three of us took it in stride and still had fun. I must say, the two of them were the leaders of the fun, and I hitched along for the ride. They are young and intelligent and energetic.

The next morning we stopped at Panum Crater to hike a little since we weren't sure when the pass would open up. The lake in the background is Mono Lake.

Despite the sign saying that the pass was still closed, we drove up. And got in. And got to the campground. And found my tent collapsed. Inches of wet snow!!!

Given all that, we didn't climb that day either, even though it was at least 60 degrees in the sun. But again, we still had fun.

Also saw the Rim Fire devastation. Which, apparently isn't a bad thing. I thought it was bad if the trees were completely destroyed, but apparently there is wildlife that depends on that happening. So, I don't feel so bad that it looked like this:

Handy

Ha, get it? M and I went to Tahoe and had a great weekend (well, except for a bump). It's so nice to spend a few days with him and be able to walk away. As I'm sure he feels it too. As a matter of fact, I know it!  I called him today and he said he was thinking of me. I asked if he was cursing me or missing me. He said something like he was used to having me around. I just laughed since it was neither - his honesty is good though it can hurt sometimes!

The kids had this crawfish, and let him hold it. They offered it a sibling's claw but he was having none of it. He did manage to pinch the hell out of M's hand!

What was kind of sad, though I applaud her for it, is that the kids' mother saw me walking by and asked me to delete the photos I took of the kids. I was kinda shocked, though I understand. I showed them to her - there was one I was going to delete anyway and did while she watched. But I showed the rest and she let me keep them. I could have deleted but I wanted her to see also that I wasn't doing anything bad with them.

I still feel it's good to keep people an arm's length away, but at least I'm acting more normal.

Below is a storm that I was taking photos of. It never came close, but boy was it beautiful!

Hide and seek

This poor crab was trying to hide in the tide pools, but we saw enough to be able to stick the camera in the water and take a few shots (upside down and blind) to get this one.  Creepy!

Back from a nice weekend of not doing much. I may be getting over not doing anything. In part because I don't want to turn into flab!  I still am not 100% sure about climbing, but I guess I should try. After I go to a podiatrist, which I have been avoiding. But it's time. I"m afraid to wear almost any shoes right now. Ugh! Including climbing shoes.

So, I'm back to the 'is this me or is this the condition' question. Grumpy depressed down the last time I climbed with friendA and his friend S. I could pretend to be upbeat and happy, and maybe I should because it can feel better and it's certainly better for those around me. Damn, I'm sure he doesn't want to climb with me anymore. I wouldn't want to! But pretending can lead to being. And is that ok? Still not sure.

Had a dream about trying to surf. Trying to manage my emotions is how I'm interpreting. I kept trying to get to it, but didn't in the end. But I was trying! Sigh, although I'm supposed to be a lion, or even a bear, sometimes I feel like a turtle.

PS: when I went to visit my friend this weekend, she had a yard sale. There were two hand made quilts from her boyfriend's mom. With stains. But handmade. And a guy was interested and going to buy, and I manaaged to get them first. A legacy, and really nice. I'll post photos at some point. Reminds me of a time in Germany when I needed a bathrobe and looked at one. When I tried to haggle, the woman kept it because it now had value.

A rolling stone gathering no moss

I'm rolling along, learning about life, and not gathering too much moss. Wallowing and sticky is my norm. I guess I"m kinda wading and dusty.

It is so easy to not see the part I play in things. Luckily I'm opening my eyes a little more and accepting that without beating myself up too much.

OK, so I whine and moan about guys not leaving me alone. OK, well maybe I flirt up a storm for whatever reason, and I know how to pick people that fall. Not sure how to handle that one yet. Right now, maybe avoiding people.

So, when an ex writes me some unwanted emails, I whine and moan about people not leaving me alone. Um, hello, maybe the random contact over time sent the message that I really wanted such emails?

OK, so my work is full of not so interesting stuff. I've missed some deadlines. Bad. OK, well maybe I need to just get myself friggin organized via Outlook or somesuch tool.

OK, so I don't know anchor building as good as my climbing friend. OK, so learn it.

I don't know. This is kinda boring. I'm kinda trying to pat myself on the back for not getting depressed because I'm beating myself up. Finding solutions is better than beating yourself up. Listening to what you want/need is better than pushing yourself in an unwanted direction. (I actually wrote to an old old friend asking her to not read my blog anymore because it was too one-sided. I felt bad, but it's how I felt so said it.)

You don't have to read it either!  But you are welcome to.

Birthday weekend

I just had the nicest birthday in three years. And maybe even longer!  My roommate convinced me that I should go out to dinner with her. And then asked me three times if I wanted to invite someone along. And so I did. And then when we went to go, another person was there too!  She had even checked on LinkedIn to find some people, including my climbing friend. I think that's so sweet. And the three of them paid for my dinner, which was excellent and quite expensive. But, we'll just celebrate the next month when it's someone else's birthday. Again, so nice.

And I had been feeling like crap last week about my birthday. I didn't want to expect anything. I did a show Friday night, and Saturday I treated myself to my birthday milkshake after volunteering for the day. And today during the day I got a massage. Those were all the things I did for myself. And it was a very nice weekend. Tomorrow should be nice - I know I"m not buying my own birthday cake!

I had a bunch of wine with dinner, so my thought processes are not the best. I may just do the one thing I was going to do and then get ready for bed and go to bed early. Snoozefest.

OK so a feel a little bit special. And that's what birthdays are for.