Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Choose Life

There was a time in the past several years when I was so depressed I made plans to take my own life. I did not of course, else this would be ghost writing. Har har...

Anyway, just getting to that point profoundly altered me. Most people will never get to that point, which is a good thing. Some will go beyond planning and actually try. And some will try and succeed. Which is very sad, to put it mildly.

I was altered in that now every day consciously or subconsciously I choose life because I found that it is indeed possible for me to choose 'not life'. I don't take life for granted anymore. I still think too much sometimes, and feel too much sometimes. I still get overwhelmed, and I still feel depressed at times. But knowing that I can choose 'not life' has made my choice for life and my life itself a little bit more precious. And more important somehow.

Re-reading this, it sounds very strange. But really it is a movement towards a different choice - a choice for happiness, for comfort, for acceptance of myself, for forgiveness, and more. A very active life without moving a muscle. And sometimes that choice for the positive is not always easy, but it needs to be made.

Dying is easy. It's living that scares me to death. [OK, Susan, for $500,000. What song is that from?] Living is scary sometimes, but it's well worthwhile. And I like a challenge.

Choose life. Choose happiness.


EsLocura said...

Living and choosing to be happy is one of the hardest things to do. it's funny how when we are young we can't wait to grow up and when we grow up, we realize it is a lot harder then it appeared. I'm so glad you are still here.

Tera said...

I have often had thoughts that go through my mind of giving up...but I guess what sometimes keeps me going is, to choose life can always be "undone," but not to choose life can't. So one had better be absolutely certain.

I'm going to try to stick it out.

NoRegrets said...

Es - Thanks. I am too, most of the time!
And Tera, yeah, you've hinted at that. If you don't stick it out I'm going to bitch slap you. :-) I guess you gotta have a belief that change is always possible, no matter how hopeless it seems at times.

Belle - A Beauty livin with her Beast said...

well i am glad that you are still here with us :)...I have had those thoughts before i had kids...and now i only live for them so i have to love life and live it to my bes abilities

Tera said...

If those thoughts ever occur again NoR, I will make haste in reminding myself of said bitch slap!

darwinbignose said...

I, in contrast, have never thought of killing myself. I think that I am wired more primitively, and the self-survival instincts of animals is what predominates inside me, so that choosing "not life" is not really an option for me. Now my life is so mundane that I am too concerned about the simple steps of life : take a shower, get dressed, take the train to work, turn on the computer, etc. to give thought or put energy into anything beyond completing the collections of steps that I must perform every day.

I do not envy your experience. I do not wish to ever be at the edge of the precipice as it sounds you once were. But reading you post, there is a simple beauty in the daily choice of life, versus the feeling of just letting life happens, which I do envy.

And as others have said, I'm, also glad that you are still around.

squirrel said...

I have been to this point too... not much fun. Never really thought of choosing happiness though; just became resigned to the idea that life is generally better than death.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks Belle - from what I hear, kids do that to you. But since I have the marriage dilemma, I don't want to have kids until I know what's going on.
Tera - smart woman.
DNB - Man, how I envy people who don't get depressed and sometimes envy people who just let life happen, though
Squirrel - well, it's taken me 40 years to think about choosing happiness, and it's actually quite empowering, when I can make it stick.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm so glad you didn't act on the impulse. So many of us think of it at some point or another. When I chose to stick around, it was because I knew that the sky would be blue with big white clouds again and I didn't want to miss it.

Since then, I have come up with so many more reasons, all of them worth being here for. As have you!

I was touched by your words that you consciously choose life now that you know it is possible to choose not life.

Wishing you happiness.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks so much Heart.