Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Why do I feel so dirty?

Or is it anger? Or worthlessness? Perhaps I need a different perspective. Likely I do. I hate the fact that I'm being complimented for something that used to be natural to me. I am a team player. I work hard. I work for the greater good. Or maybe that was me 'before'. Before what I don't know. I like to blame everything on depression, but this could just be the result of having the life sucked out of me by my former boss. The attitude that we're a small group and everyone has to play their part, with no boundaries whatsoever. Or it could be that I've gone too long without a vacation, and thus the two days I had off before my work in SF just enabled me to relax and really focus on being a team player afterwards. But being complimented profusely for doing what really should be natural makes it feel like a game - the positive reinforcement is supposed to make me want to say - yee ha! She likes my work! I better keep doing this! But it just makes me angry. Dirty. It doesn't help that in the same conversation I hear that I'm supposed to back off on some? most? of the technology stuff I do. I'm supposed to be a good girl and leave it to the experts to research and implement. I should feel relieved because it's something off my plate, but I feel like I've been told to turn off a part of my brain. I suppose likely what I need the most is an attitude adjustment, but that office is closed today it seems. See if they are open tomorrow.


Tera said...

Then it's settled...I knew it was depression that I was going through right now!

NoRegrets said...

Hmmm... how did this post help you solve that?