Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Why do I feel so dirty?
Or is it anger? Or worthlessness? Perhaps I need a different perspective. Likely I do. I hate the fact that I'm being complimented for something that used to be natural to me. I am a team player. I work hard. I work for the greater good. Or maybe that was me 'before'. Before what I don't know. I like to blame everything on depression, but this could just be the result of having the life sucked out of me by my former boss. The attitude that we're a small group and everyone has to play their part, with no boundaries whatsoever. Or it could be that I've gone too long without a vacation, and thus the two days I had off before my work in SF just enabled me to relax and really focus on being a team player afterwards. But being complimented profusely for doing what really should be natural makes it feel like a game - the positive reinforcement is supposed to make me want to say - yee ha! She likes my work! I better keep doing this! But it just makes me angry. Dirty. It doesn't help that in the same conversation I hear that I'm supposed to back off on some? most? of the technology stuff I do. I'm supposed to be a good girl and leave it to the experts to research and implement. I should feel relieved because it's something off my plate, but I feel like I've been told to turn off a part of my brain. I suppose likely what I need the most is an attitude adjustment, but that office is closed today it seems. See if they are open tomorrow.