Tuesday, August 18, 2009


It's really becoming clear to me that I switch moods every two weeks. Period/ovulation time. It sucks. I'm in the irritible/depressed mood right now - started yesterday. So I'm whining.
- Ex was apparently just overwhelmed when he wasn't speaking to me. He sent me an email. He called numerous times to touch base - though we never connected. We finally talked and he invited me over for pie last night - he had made one over the weekend. It was fine (the visit. the pie was excellent.). I was ok with the idea of never speaking with him again. It's hard to stay in touch.
- Sucks to hear that I'm left out of people (joint friends) leaving me out of plans. I can't get too upset. And at this point I've just come to accept it. I could push to stay connected. Push to be involved even when ex is involved. But, doesn't feel right. But it still hurts.
- Stupid door man friggin' expects me to continue with my visits at scheduled intervals. I went down yesterday morning. He wasn't there. I went back up. I went down at lunch time because needed to get out and have a meltdown, and he greets me with 'well, it's about time' or something like that. I just said "go to hell" and went out the door. And he hints about taking me for a ride on his new motorcycle. Boundaries!!! Needs to learn them.
- Part of the meltdown was due to getting into a tiff with a friend and his teenage daughter (incidentally, the friend who spearheaded the 'we gotta celebrate Pamela's birthday'). They've had a internal 'war' where they get a hold of each other's cell email accounts, and now cell phones, and send crazy messages to each other's friends. Yesterday was the first day I got a txt message, and it just pissed me off (in part because I had switched). SO I sent a harsh message, he got pissed off because teenage girls don't understand and are vulnerable, I felt pissed but also bad because it really wasn't a huge thing, etc. It all worked out I suppose.
- I went climbing last night and forgot to tape my finger and now it hurts. Stupid stupid me.
- I asked ex-b who lived in Berkeley if I would like living there (that's where the job is that I applied to) and he bust my bubble and said no. He thought it would drive me nuts - all the crazy Berkeley-ness.
- I really want to get away from my current job.

So, I want to get away from all the shit here. But there's no where to go. I'm stuck. And shit will follow me anyway. Maybe hermit-age is in order. Who needs friends? Who needs to like their job? Who needs a relationship? When you have a cat.

Don't worry, I'll get over this. Eventually.


Susan said...

I really don't have inspiring words. You said you'll get through it. Take your time and know you'll make it when you make it back.

laura b. said...


EsLocura said...

seems to me shit comes in cycles, so just take a deep breath and wait for the next cycle of non shit, talk about words of wisdom, huh? besos

Ananda girl said...

I have been to that place. You have my utmost sympathy. I loved Berkeley... perhaps he is wrong. Or thinking from guy perspective.

Tara said...

My mom is on some schedule with the paper delivery guy. She's not obligated to or paid to welcome him each morning, but she has to because if she doesn't her paper is stolen.

What kind of pie did he make? Now I'm hungry for pie.

Churlita said...

You could always work in Berkeley and live somewhere else close. I worked in Berkeley and lived in San Francisco. it was great. Public transportation is amazing in the Bay Area.

Pamela said...

I didn't respond to any of you yesterday, sorry. I guess not surprising. I think that I've forgotten to up my meds, which may be part of the problem. Sigh. One organization I applied to welcomes people with disabilities. I perhaps need to start thinking of myself as one.

Susan, thanks.
Laura, are you blowing at me? ;-)
Es, yes, it does come in cycles, I know. And you are wise.
Ananda - yeah, I shouldn't take his words too seriously.
Tara, that's funny. Sour cherry pie!! cherries from Door county, WI. Amazing.
Churlita, I was thinking of that. I realllly want to bike commute, so I'd have to look into that. I'm not so excited about living in SF, so maybe Oakland? Of course, it all depends on if I get a job. Which I am kinda hoping for and kinda fearing (oh what upheaval that would be).