Quote from Wired

2008 Article in Wird on Errol Morris.

"You know, the whole term ski mask is itself a joke," he says. "If you saw somebody--you're skiing in Vail, and you saw someone on the trail coming from behind you wearing a ski mask, you would go batshit. You'd try to call homeland security, the police. God help us! You know, it's someone skiing with a ski mask! It's a fu**ing terrorist!" He's high on the energy of his riff. "No self-respecting skier would ever be caught dead with a ski mask. It would be risky. You'd get shot," he says.

I laughed a lot at this until I realized it doesn't apply when you're skiing in 8 degree weather, which I have.

Hum-ku

Nature in plastic and glass
Hummingbird feeder
Share and share alike? No way!

Found when looking online for irony definition

Solid. Solid as a Rock

That's what my pillow was. I have one of those memory foam pillows and I brought it to Tuolumne. Almost freezing nights create a solid block of foam that only barely gives with the heat of my head. Ah well...

I'll tell stories later. I don't have my photos as M has his computer and I lost the wire that allows me to download photos to my computer (an old computer so thus does not take the memory chip from a camera).

Besides, I want to vomit. Meaning I gotta dump. Meaning, clear my brain a little.

Is it because I'm not taking as much clonazapam? Or because I'm not in therapy? Or is it just me?

I accidentally kill a beautiful moth last night trying to get it back out to freedom, and I'm having trouble letting it go.

I read this line in a facebook response to someone else: Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. And I just think I'm average - I hear this in my head all the time now. I never before thought I was boring, but I feel it a lot now.

OK, those are the two biggest things I want to dump/vomit/etc. I'll move on now. Happy happy joy joy from hereonin. Too bad I closed the blinds since it'd be good to watch the hummingbirds. OK, I'll open them and allow some heat to get in.

*Note: I will add that the guy I went climbing with looked at me and said: you're not wired like the rest of us. Huh? You have a strong sense of irony, he said. Me: Is that different than other people? Him: Much more so than most Americans.
---- I will take that as a compliment.

nature is watching you

So be on your best behavior.

I'm off to Tuolumne for the weekend. Taking Ginko Bilboa which will hopefully help prevent altitude sickness. Hope you have a great weekend.

Job

So, I forgot to mention that I have some more work. The place I offered to volunteer at had me volunteering for a few days/a week and then all of sudden they asked if I wanted to help with development (grant writing) work. SURE! So, I have the other half of my time covered until the end of December. It's good because I'll have a local company on my resume, and of course get money.

All of this is good because though I do have health insurance, it does nothing for me until I pay out my monthly payment plus a $5,000 deductible. So, in order for me to get any benefits before December I have to pay out about $8,000. And they wonder why we need health care reform. I heard on the radio today that tomorrow begins the stipulation that insurance companies that sell plans for children cannot exclude any child. So, of course, insurance companies are going to stop selling those plans. I truly do understand what's happening, but I wish someone would be able to manage all the variables so everyone wins. That's highly unlikely.

Did I mention also that I've added the antidepressant? Oh, yes. I did. And it's working some. I still have negative thoughts and even periods of feeling really depressed, but I get through them. It does help to have more to do in terms of work. But still have to carry on with my free time.

I also have to figure out a way to exercise. I tried doing classes but I overdid it and now my knee hurts. And I tried working out by myself yesterday and tweaked my back. I feel my muscles atrophying. Hear them? Screaming help me help me? I long for the days when I would bike to work. It's just an adjustment though. I'll work it out. Or get very overweight and M will dump me. Kinda a joke. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Monkey see monkey do

Regrets?

Nah, just sadness.

I was in Maine and around all these people with children. It made me a little sad. I have been trying to make myself feel better by saying I couldn't have dealt with children with all my mental health issues. But, in reality I know that people always deal. And given my current state of mild-ish depression, I just think about how children fill your life, and necessitate an outward focus, instead of me staring at my navel and wallowing in my own state of affairs. I always thought I'd be married and have kids, and it's so sad sometimes that I won't.

So, on a lighter note, we put up a hummingbird feeder on the balcony. I think it took a couple hours for the local hummingbird to find it. It's really nice to watch. Of course he/she is already chasing away another hummingbird. Mine mine mine. I also never knew they sing - it sits on the branch and sings in its raspy voice. Nice.

Movie

Finally over the course of several different days of viewing I finished watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Actually, I've never seen the beginning. But anyway, it's actually a really good movie. Ok, maybe I had low expectations, but I was happy when there were these quirky interesting things that happened or were said. I can't really say much more since I hate to give movie plots away, but it was nice. OK, so I've said nothing. How's that for a great movie reviewer?

non-fishy photos from Maine

A flower (?) at the farm where you can pick your own bouquet. No idea what it is.


Wintergreen in the wild.

One of three different snakes I found while there. Bleh to you too! (One snake swam through the water along the beach, stopped for a while in the bushes, then snaked across the sand back to the other side.)


The doorbell to the 2 story house my nieces created/decorated. Even had a pine cone chandelier! They had an open house the day I got there. With signs leading the way and everything.

Dream a little dream

So, I had a dream I was hallucinating. Does that mean I'm nuts? It was very odd.

Thanks all for your comments. I was going to start the antidepressants this am, but realized they prescribed me 20 mg of the generic but had talked about 5 mg of the brand name. Um... maybe not? Jeez, I'd be flying around the house I think. We'll see though.

Gotta get to work. It's good and bad the sun is in my eyes...

my new motto

Treat others, specifically M, as I would treat my cat.

I speak nicely/lovingly to him most of the time. I feed him. I pet him. I don't let him get away with certain things.

I will repeat that mantra every morning, or every hour. I gotta do something!

Spiral-gyro

I thought about writing this in the third person, but that's just not my style, at least right now.

So it has become really evident that all the stress of the past three months (at least) has caused me to spiral downward, or around and around. I see it clearly now that I start having intrusive thoughts of being on a bridge and thinking about how it would be to commit suicide off of it - not thinking of doing it, mind you, but just thinking fairly dispassionately. I'm not sure if it's just depression - it's so hard to tell what's 'me' and what the disease is creating or even exacerbating. It's also helpful to find a psychiatrist with whom I can really share, so it affirms my feelings about there being something wrong.

Yes, the psych at UCSF will work, for now at least. I'm not sure about long term, and overall not sure of it. I had both a resident and a senior person talk to me. I'm not super psyched about the resident, which is why I have my hesitations. And not sure if in the long run I want to help with her learning - I'm too concerned about myself right now. I could see her working her professional side, and she did ok with that, but I also saw her hands shaking, and her foot swinging. And having her comment about me being married for a short time...I called her on that - 6 years is short? and she was flustered. But, as I said, it's better than anything I've found. I may move on to someone I talked to while I was in Maine, even though she doesn't take insurance, because I found out yesterday that my $5k deductible has to be met before I get ANY benefits. Fu**ers, but I read the literature wrong too, I'll admit it.

They want to put me on an antidepressant for a short time, and though I don't like that I'll do it. I need to do something, as my instability is causing relationship problems. M has never lived with such a thing as me...and I know it can't be easy. Yeah, there's always stuff but this certainly doesn't help. I mean, when like last night I collapse on the bed crying (my head just so full of static that I can't think but only cry), then go outside to walk around thinking I should smash my hand into something (but I don't!) and sit on a sidewalk thinking about if things were a different I could be homeless on the street with a mental illness (but I'm not!)...it's bad, and actually, embarrassing. But I will toot my own horn and remark how I calmed myself down until I could think clearly. I controlled the self harm thoughts and again, calmed myself down. It felt good and I felt powerful. Part of me wonders if it's just the switch to a high (ie bipolar doing it) but I will give myself the credit for this.

The beat goes on, and I'm trying to dance rather than be beaten. It's really hard sometimes though. I want to be stable after having been through all the crap I've been through. But I have to accept that that's not always possible, and I'm better than I would have been not on medication. Sigh.

Off to work.

Peace fest

M and I biked around SF and found this fest in Golden Gate park. We walked around as curious observers, and it was great to run across it. Sadly, sort of, I was soooo excited that Crystal Bowersox was playing. I heard her whole set as we walked up and down the exhibits and food aisles, passing the entrepreneurs selling beer, etc out of coolers, and measuring out pot, and offering chewables, or whatever he said.

The crowd, the view.
Partner yoga looks painful.
Neat video game.
I didn't know architects were conspiracy theorists. How great that it was 9/11. bleh
Peace.
Not everyone can pull off a tight short gold lame skirt on stilts.
I've seen cheeseheads, but not cornheads, until Saturday.
MEAT!
Even spinal cords attended!

If you start feeling bad for the fish

it's time to stop fishing.



Back from Maine - starting off with my fishing adventures. I do like to fish, but I really do feel sorry when I catch them. Last time I was in Maine I stopped fishing I felt so bad. This time I tried to do as little damage as possible, and I say sorry and thank you to the fish. But of course you still do harm (see pickerel photo below - scales that came off). Someday I may not fish... Who knows.

I had three good days. Two of the days it was bam bam bam - almost every time I threw in the line in a certain period (small, like 15 minutes, but still...) One of the days all of us in the boat caught at least one big bass - I caught two, my one brother caught three, and the other one. What an amazing 15-30 minutes that was. One of the bass is below (the sideways big one).

Mostly the fishing sucked though since it was hot hot hot for an entire week. But, it made it easier/nicer to swim.

Smallmouth bass (I don't stick my finger in their mouths)


Big bass



Pickerel


Billy begging for fish once he saw the photos


Can you spot the other fisher?

Anyone home?

The doorbell to the house put together by my nieces.

I'm back but got in at 1:00 am and had a crazy day so will write more tomorrow. No, the homeless were in the SF area - sorry for the confusion. And I do have health insurance, amazing. And I have yet another appointment Monday with a promising psychiatrist.

Blink blink. Trying to stay awake.