i hate email

I hate email. I hate when you have a deep discussion over email. I hate it because you have NO CONTROL over whether someone responds. And you can send email after email, trying to guess what the hell will spark a response, any response. You come off as a crazy, mad, insane woman if you do send multiple emails and who wants to respond to that??! Granted, it gives you time to think, but what you put down is there in black and white. It's too fucking easy to write something that sticks in the wrong spot, makes a wrong impression. The best you can do is try and speak your mind as you know it, but dammit. You can't read the person's face. You can't hold their hand. You can't slap their face. You can't cry and have them see you cry and thus try and manipulate them. You can't stick out your tongue, and make a funny face to lighten the situation. You get what that person is willing to give and nothing more. Perhaps a brick wall, silence, or some nugget. Which I guess is always the case. You can't drag a person out of themselves. You can only make your case, express yourself, share your emotion, and see what happens. And sometimes it is not to your liking. And sometimes there is NOTHING, which drives me fucking nuts. And sometimes it gives you hope when there is no hope really. And sometimes it is so sweet, you keep the email and look at it when you are feeling down. But in all cases it's so fucking disconnected. As are blogs I suppose. But what do I care since noone is reading this.

My Celebrity Look Alikes

Crumpled ball

So, sometimes everything just becomes too much and I can't stuff it in anymore and the tears have to come out. Even at work. A fetal position sitting against my door on the floor, staring out the window, sobbing. I remembered when I used to have to slam my arm or head against the wall to stop the internal pain enough to survive. I thought about it, but didn't need it, and am so happy I didn't need it. But just being faced with truth and daily difficult decisions popped me over the edge. Lack of sleep doesn't help either. My husband withdrawing doesn't help either, though that was one of the central issues. Me not knowing if I'm still working on this because I'm afraid of failure, or don't hold my needs in high enough esteem, or there really is some hope. Fears and hopes and anger and needs pushing on me from all around and squeezing me into the crumpled ball.

Advertising

Back full page ad in the paper for Simply Wireless:

Not your token BlackBerry!
[pictures of BlackBerry's]
Simply Diverse

If you don't get it, take the 'Berry' off of the word.

Eat your Butts

Oh, my. Luckily I had not recently eaten. I was standing outside, saw someone finish their cigarette, pinch the end so it was not smoking anymore, and then eat the butt. And apparently he does it all the time. Why? And what happens to it inside his body? How does it come out?
Whew, thoughts for the day.

Be careful of what you ask for, especially from God

So, went rock climbing today. Beautiful day, wonderful spot. But slab climbs, which I am not the most proficient at. It's freaky to have to step on a small bump on an almost vertical wall and trust that your feet will hold. But, usually it does.

So, did a warm up climb, and then set my eyes on the 5.10. I was set to do it mentally, just wanted to get on it and do it. But, putting on my shoes, I said, semi-jokingly, I'm taking a while to put my shoes on since I'm waiting for divine intervention to keep me off it. Got on the climb, two bolts up, it starts raining/spitting. So, my belayer tells me to come down since it's kind of dark in the distance so maybe will not stop. OK, fine, downclimb, take out the draws, untie from the ropes, reflake the ropes (we often use double ropes), take off my shoes, it stops raining/spitting.

So, sit for a minute, look at the sky, and he says, it's up to you. If you don't go, I'll go. So, fine, I start putting on my shoes. It starts to spit again. ARG. But this time I know it's just a test. I get on the climb, and after the first two bolts it stops spitting. Yay! And mentally I'm still ok. Climb climb climb, then get to the crux. It starts spitting again. All of these reasons to back off, but I went forward, and did it! Ha, in your face God... Just kidding of course. It was a wonderful challenge and I appreciate it greatly. Actually, I do.

Gassy girl

If only they could do this...I'd help save the world. Of course, Beano might go out of business.

Oneself

This morning going through my head were some lines from a song from Oneself.

We are hollow human beings in need of filling up
Bring your pitcher, bring your cup
Let's drink, let's drink, let's drink.

It's a great group. I learned about them from watching a Warren Miller skiing movie - which always has great soundtracks. The song they used had a great beat, and had a great line:

I don't want you to be mine.
I just want you to be your own.

I ordered a cd from the local bookstore, and the person who called was so impressed that I had heard of them. I felt cool for once in my life. Though of course, I'm not, since I use the word 'cool'.

Vatican's 21st Century Commandments

This is for real. I did not make this up. It was in Yahoo news today.
The "Drivers' Ten Commandments" are:

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Champagne quality

So, if you drank an entire bottle of champagne by yourself, would you get sick no matter the quality of the champagne?

Albums that are great as a whole - List I

Of course, I'm dating myself by just writing the word album, but oh well...

I've been thinking about this a bit, as I drive around a lot and want albums that I can just stick in and let them go and enjoy 95-100% of it, since I don't have a 6 CD changer, sigh, that my brother just got in his car. And no ipod (yet). Each of these has a different mood, but again, they work as a whole, at least for me.

Waterboys - Fisherman's Blues
Meatloaf - Bat out of Hell
Led Zepplin - III (though I usually don't listen to song 1)
Melissa Ethridge - [title]

This is just the start of the list. Fisherman's Blues is a great to listen to while having sex. Bat out of Hell is great for letting go of emotion when you feel you are about to explode. It's like a roller coaster - you scream on the first song, then calm down a bit, then scream more, etc. It's very therapeutic. I think someone actually wrote about that somewhere. III is just a great rockin' album, with even a banjo in one song, so it has to be good. Melissa Ethridge's is just very poignant - when the love of your life goes bad - but so well sung.

Basements

Basements have always been my nemesis. Ok, one of my nemesii. I have always though I cannot sleep in a room without windows. In fact, once during graduate school I moved for a semester to take an internship, and I wanted to get free lodging and so did the 'look for nanny position' thing. I found one that I liked and they liked me too. I moved in, spent one night not sleeping in the basement, and said I had to leave, whimpering and crying to the person as I told them from just the memory of trying to sleep down there.

Fast forward to now. At least the other basement had ONE window. Now, I have NO windows. The key I have found is the fan. Air movement makes it seem like there's air. And I just keep telling myself it's all in my head if I start to think I can't sleep. So, surviving so far! Thankfully no freaky bugs hopping around either or else that would be IT! Hopping spider creepy thingies... UGH. Hard to get the cats to go after those after you've screamed when you saw one.

Note to Self

Never ever buy or accept for free - OK, just wear - white biking shorts. The real kind - skin tight and with padding on the butt. Not that I minded them on the guy in front of me biking to work today. Nice legs. Nice butt. Not much left to the imagination. Ahhh....

It's a Small World After All

So, walking out the door this morning, bringing my bike out to get ready to bike to work, and there's a guy right outside walking his dog. He said morning, I said hello, and then I looked at him again since his dog had stopped him and he looked familiar. Are you Mark? Yup. Turns out it was the guy at the bike store who helped me buy my biking shoes. Interesting, intelligent man with whom I had a rapport when I was at the store (I'm sure he has a partner or someone so that's not the issue). So you live here? Uh, no, just here for a little while. Do you live here? Up the block, nice places. Yeah, but the basement could use some windows. Then another question about what I'm doing there which I avoided. And then S* comes up with the baby and I introduce her. And that's it... It's just weird to not be able to explain what I'm doing there. Sigh.

Landing

OK, after you've taken the big step, jumped off the cliff, how do you land? How do you figure out where to land? How best to do it? Especially if you've never done it before. Listen to your gut, HA! I don't know what my gut is saying. Right now it sounds like gurgle gurgle. How long do I stay away? If I do go back, how do I go back? When? What's the best way? If I go back and things don't work out, that's REALLY it. Of course, I had said this would be it... Why would I fear the longer I stay away the more used to being without him I would be, and thus that would be it. How would that not be making an effort? Wish someone would answer all these questions for me...

I use the metaphor of jumping off a cliff, because I was reading some old journals/poems of mine. Man, I was depressed back then and didn't know how to seek help... But in one poem/writing I wrote about the precipice drawing me near and jumping off, and only by jumping off did I realize I have wings to fly. I went hanggliding once, tandem, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. But jumping off that cliff with the guy was rough.

50 Ways to Leave your Lover

I remember being a little girl, watching the Miss America pageant, and someone - Bob Barker ? - sang this song as the women paraded by. For some reason it was SO funny that I laughed hysterically with my sister such that my stomach hurt. As well as my face. [it's killin' me, har har]

Think about the song. Must have been written by a man. Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.

That's crap. Very tempting, but crap. Of course, if someone is psychotic and going to come after you with a knife or something if you tell them you are leaving, well, then it's not crap. But otherwise it is.

What doesn't kill you / Listen to your gut

Makes you stronger, right? I thought it would be the end of my world when I walked out the door. My husband is a good man, and I thought all would hate me, no friends in the world. But apparently this is not so. My husband even told his parents, and THEY don't hate me. Amazing. Not that that solves all my issues, but it's a lesson learned. People know more than you think they know, and even if they don't know, some people are non-judgemental and will support an adult's right to make a choice. Sigh. Going back to the concept of you can make tough decisions and still be a good person. Or was that a bad girl? :)

Maybe I need to change my motto on this blog to Listen to your Gut. Well, it's sort of an associated idea to having no regrets. If you listen to yourself, you will do what is right for you, and ultimately have no regrets. Even if later the decision has consequences you didn't expect, negative ones. Hell, Oprah writes it so it must be true! But do I want my stomach to have even MORE control over my life? Whew, it's going to get bloated.

Living in a basement sucks...but for a temporary home, it's a fine thing. Thankfully I have friends who will open their lives to me. The trouble is I'm getting used to the idea of a shorter commute!

Ripping off the band-aid

Hmm... that might not be the best analogy. What I'm trying to convey is the sense of doing something that hurts to hopefully get to something that is better. The thing is, you wouldn't rip off a band-aid unless the flesh underneath had healed. And the flesh underneath right now is a bit ragged, crusty, pus-y (ie, oozing pus, not pussy), and whatever other disgusting metaphor you can think of.

What's up? Well, I left my husband for a couple days. IE, not a vacation, but rather get away, make a point, I'm done with the way it has been and something radical must be done to change it. But I'm fucking scared.

Not going to be a productive day at work.

Save the turtle, save the world

Driving this morning to work along a waterway, saw an object in the road. Avoided it, and wondered what it was so looked in the rear view mirror (thankfully there was a stop light). And saw it move! It was a turtle! So, two lane road on either side of a median. 35 mph zone, but most people, including me, go faster. It was amazing that he hadn't gotten run over. So, I turned off, got out of the car, and went to transport him to a safe place. Of course, the cars coming at me didn't know what the hell I was doing, so I pointed down at the turtle. He was huge! Like one foot long. And moved fairly quickly once I tried to get him. But I managed to pick him up by his shell and carry him to the other side of the road. He hissed. As I drove off, I worried that I hadn't brought him close enough to the water, but he was probably turtle-cussing me out because he wanted to be on the OTHER side, near his girlfriend or whatever.

PS-I've been told it might have been a snapping turtle, which could have whipped its head around and bitten off a finger. Ack! But it didn't... Also, possibly a female going to find a place to lay eggs.

Find your truths where you can

A quote from Christina Ricci in some girly magazine:
You can be a bad girls and still be a nice person. Who says the two are mutually exclusive?

I'm being very bad, but am a nice person. Wonder if there will be an explosion/reaction if they get too close?

Civic Duty

Well, I am back at work after completing my civic duty for three days - jury duty. Thankfully I got on a relatively simple assault and battery case. They were choosing jurors for a murder trial and some other long trial and that would have SUCKED. For one of those they are sequestering the jurors. I also managed to avoid a rape case. Whew...

You may call me Madam Foreperson from now on... :-) I volunteered for the job because noone else wanted it. Luckily we had a reasonable group so all I did was make sure everyone spoke. Heard horror stories of some man harassing/belittling two female jurors. Ugh.

Whew. Worked hard for my stipend!