It seems since the divorce became final I've been binging and purging on emotion. Acknowledging and wallowing in the connections I've had (not just with my husband), and purging them.
Emotional Slalom Course?
It seems since my divorce became final I've been hurtling down a mountainside, past all these relationships that sometimes I go right by, and sometimes slap me in the side/face/whatever. The ultimate goal I'm going towards - not sure.
Sailing Alone with my Emotions?
Nah, that one doesn't work.
It seems that since my divorce became final I've been killing off fantasies/relationships and attending their funerals. All in the hope of moving on. To what, I don't know.
I wish I were a writer. I wish I had the poetic tools to describe what I'm going through. It's not fun. It's not easy. I guess I'm trying to look at my life head on - realistically - and not hide in whatever labels I've been putting on pieces of it. Crushes I might have had I look at and see them for what they are. Feelings I have I am acknowledging and letting flow over me, to see what comes next. I want to hide in a cave (my home) and not come out for a while. But I go to the gym to maintain a semblance of normalcy for myself, though I don't act normal. I'm trying to be like the willow tree I suppose - to be strong but bend in the wind. But it feels sometimes like there's beetles burrowing up my trunk - destroying me from the inside out. It feels sometimes like there's some yewt carving a swear word on my trunk on the outside. I have a feeling of cleansing myself, but kinda with alcohol after walking through some prickle bushes.
I'm acknowledging that I'm alone, that I don't have someone to love right now. Except myself. And dammit, that's a tough one. It's so much easier to be good to other people. Because they deserve it more than me (yes, I know that's not true). It's also really hard to hug yourself, unless you have reallllly long arms. And cats love you because you feed them or because you have a warm lap they can sit on, despite how much they might protest otherwise. So is their affection real? Whatever. It helps.
It's nice that there's tremendous external/national change to think about.