Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Seeking the best emotional metaphor

Emotional Bulemia?
It seems since the divorce became final I've been binging and purging on emotion. Acknowledging and wallowing in the connections I've had (not just with my husband), and purging them.

Emotional Slalom Course?
It seems since my divorce became final I've been hurtling down a mountainside, past all these relationships that sometimes I go right by, and sometimes slap me in the side/face/whatever. The ultimate goal I'm going towards - not sure.

Sailing Alone with my Emotions?
Nah, that one doesn't work.

Emotional Funerals?
It seems that since my divorce became final I've been killing off fantasies/relationships and attending their funerals. All in the hope of moving on. To what, I don't know.

I wish I were a writer. I wish I had the poetic tools to describe what I'm going through. It's not fun. It's not easy. I guess I'm trying to look at my life head on - realistically - and not hide in whatever labels I've been putting on pieces of it. Crushes I might have had I look at and see them for what they are. Feelings I have I am acknowledging and letting flow over me, to see what comes next. I want to hide in a cave (my home) and not come out for a while. But I go to the gym to maintain a semblance of normalcy for myself, though I don't act normal. I'm trying to be like the willow tree I suppose - to be strong but bend in the wind. But it feels sometimes like there's beetles burrowing up my trunk - destroying me from the inside out. It feels sometimes like there's some yewt carving a swear word on my trunk on the outside. I have a feeling of cleansing myself, but kinda with alcohol after walking through some prickle bushes.

I'm acknowledging that I'm alone, that I don't have someone to love right now. Except myself. And dammit, that's a tough one. It's so much easier to be good to other people. Because they deserve it more than me (yes, I know that's not true). It's also really hard to hug yourself, unless you have reallllly long arms. And cats love you because you feed them or because you have a warm lap they can sit on, despite how much they might protest otherwise. So is their affection real? Whatever. It helps.

It's nice that there's tremendous external/national change to think about.

13 comments:

craig andrew said...

Realignment or rebalancing is what I call it.

For a long time I lived alone in the wilderness; so long I found that I came into balance with the absence of people. Then, I moved back into civilization and it took me a long time to find my balance with people again - all the different types of relationships and all the different types of people. Then, to be in a serious relationship would mean that I would have to rebalance all over again, with all those different types of relationships and all those different types of people, but this time as a part of a two.

That is my perspective anyway. I hope it made sense. C:)

The CEO said...

Don't kill me off

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

Isn't that like the "stages of grief" when a person dies? I went through similar feelings after my second divorce.. Once you get over the hurdles of feeling alone, you will come out of it feeling better...In the meantime finding a new relationship with others will be hard...

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

I think the word you are looking for is Catharsis

or maybe but that what I called my post-divorce emotional roller coaster
It is defined as

1: purgation
2 a: purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b: a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3: elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression


-OG

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

oh I looked up the Wiki on it too this may help

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis

-OG

Squirrel said...

I was going to suggest "Emotional Rescue," but it doesn't quite fit and also I think it's already been used for something...

Every time I think about the tremendous external/national change we're going through right now, I start smiling (or crying, depending on how the day's going). I agree, it's helpful to focus on that.

Squirrel said...

PS - you are a writer, your claim to the contrary notwithstanding. Poetic tools, in my experience, are a matter of practice, and even then sometimes they just don't come, or at least they don't come until much later.

Churlita said...

You are right though. You need to focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Logically, you know you deserve it, but you may not feel that way right now.

I'm more like CA, in that i'm really happy hanging out by myself and having to be social is something I have to make myself do. I have no idea if I'll ever be in a healthy relationship, but I'm concentrating more on forming friendships. I guess the real trick is balance.

As long as you keep working at it, you will get to a better place with all of this.

NoRegrets said...

Craig-that's interesting. Rebalancing - perhaps. I'll have to look at your blog to see where you were.

Monty-never. At least before I get food out of you.

Mrs.-yeah, what's weird is that I thought I was done with that. But I guess not.

OG - again, I thought I was done with the roller coaster. I guess I was only done with the one related to my ex, versus ALL my relationships.

Squirrel, if my speakers worked I would go listen to that song. (I'm at home - took a day off). As for the writing thing, thanks.

Churlita, I know -it's just so damn much work sometimes.

And all, the damn cat thinks that 3:15 is when it should eat dinner. Ugh. 2 hours of this. A reason NOT to stay home.

laura b. said...

Yes, you are most definitely a writer. You've actually expressed many of the feelings I am going through as well.

Mel said...

*hugs*

Cuz I know how it felt for me.
And I know I was convinced it was all about me.
And I know I discovered it was all about me and not about me at all.

Mr. A and I would agree on the 'realignment'--just a different choice of words.

AFGO (another freaking growth opportunity)--not always fun, but they seemed to be required for me to get to where I am.
They're just the circumstances.....

I don't mean that in a discounting way, please trust that.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks Laura. Sorry you're or you did go through this shit also.

Mel - I like the AFGO. Almost as good as PIMFA. Oh, and I don't take it as discounting.

Not Fainthearted said...

Maybe it's all of those. It takes time and you can't see it happening really. But one day, you'll look back and realize you've navigated the great yawning chasm you're looking into now. One step at a time, baby. One step at a time.

{{hugs}}