Shoulda woulda coulda

Didn't.
- make dinner tonight
- apply for the job I should apply to
- patch the wall by the window

Instead, went climbing with the ex. All the way home as I'm biking, I'm trying to figure out if I really want to. If I should. How do I feel? And I figured I'd go, and make it short. Got to hear about his trip. Climbing 8 days in a row. Literally. See, he's a crazy man!

Did.
- went out Friday night with my two guy friends who hear me snort the most, because they both make me laugh. The beers helped. And being able to be crude with them helps too. OK, so I had a little too much - we all did. And I had on a stretchy dress. And D was showing us clothes in his trunk he was getting rid of. And I was practically dared to take my dress off. I didn't. But I did lift it up to my neck, in part because it really didn't make a difference. I mean I had more clothing on than wearing a bikini, and very un-exciting underwear. That was my reasoning at the time. Then, as they are headed of to their cars and mine is a bit away, I realize, oh, I'm not at the beach and I am in the middle of a parking lot. So, I had one of them walk me to my car to be safe.
- On the train ride to Sacramento, I was wearing a top from the long trip. I think I had spilled things on it at least 3 times. Nasty. So, on the train, at the end of the car, I changed my shirt.

I'm not crazy at all.
Ha!

Overslept

Thankfully I had a repair guy scheduled to come at 7:30 am to look at stuff to provide estimates. And thankfully I wore clothes to bed. But, gotta run.

So, have a nice day!

Saturday Hunt - Shades

Well, these are my new shades that I'm trying to install. I thought it would be so easy, but of course with a house, nothing is easy. Before installing, I have to paint the existing window frame. Which technically should be easy. But they are metal, there is some rust, some pieces of the wall outside the frame are falling apart, and the screws for the old blinds/etc. leave holes which need to be filled. I'm workin' on it.


What I'm replacing. Nasty evil dirty blinds.


And not sure if you know this band/song, but it was what I thought of immediately. Timbuck 3 - The Future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. I chose to use the official video, so no embedding.

Mi's in town!

My friend Mi (obviously not her real name) is in town from Brazil. She's native Japanese and worked with me at my last job. It was great to see her - she hasn't changed since I last saw her. Feisty is a great word.

What's funny is that she used to be very traditional Japanese... that is before she met me. I seem to have had somewhat of an effect on her.

One of the first trips we did together was to Japan, actually. Hokkaido island (and I think I spelled that wrong). We both managed to get an afternoon off together, and we went to a local noodle house (amazing udon soup and tempura) and then to a bath house, which is very traditional Japanese. The bath house was HUGE. And, you must go completely naked. Mi was verrrrry surprised when I just stripped down to nothing without a problem. She just said tonight how that might not have been the best idea, at least from her perspective. Immediately that day and afterwards I would say in a sing-song voice "I saw Mi naked".

So, at work, I tended to speak my mind. What a surprise. Mi would sit there and look at me and wonder at the words coming out of my mouth. She also was taken advantage of by our boss, and I would counsel her to the best of my ability, and try to get her to stand up for herself. Over time, Mi started changing a bit and now it's to the point where we're like twin sisters - personality-wise. Now, I'm not saying it was all me. I wish! Because I like her a lot. No, not in that way....

Mi signs. So the table tonight was a combination of Japanese speakers (her sister and friend), English speakers, and deaf people. Great combination. Though Mi was not very excited to hear I had gotten rid of my sign language books. Oh well!

What a wonderful evening after a very pissy day. And I biked home in the dark in the beautiful weather, meat rumbling in my belly.

giving away

My intention last night was to do nothing. Or almost nothing. But I have such a hard time doing nothing. So, one thing I did was try and get rid of some stuff. Got rid of one thing - my American Sign Lanugage books/tapes. And felt really good about it because the person who picked them up has foster children, and a person who helps out in the house who is deaf, so they can really use them. Instead of sitting in my basement doing nothing. So, yay! It counterbalanced the people who said they'd come and didn't.

A word I hate

Bored.
And a variation - boring.
I always believed that only those who have no imagination are boring or can get bored or be bored with someone else.
But.
I'm bored at work.
I keep myself busy and do my work.
But there's not much interest.
It's time for a new job.
But where?
Who knows.
I've been applying and we'll see.
Boring me.

Which one are you? Spendthrift or Tightwad?

Spendthrifts, for example, are those who experience little pain or remorse when spending, while tightwads are all too conscious of what it costs them to part with a dollar. One person feels guilty for not saving more, while the other is wracked by not enjoying life.

Twitter Tuesday

My FB update:

I would like to thank all the people with disabilities who fought long and hard for curb cuts so that I may get onto the sidewalk easier with my bike.

Dream

I woke up early and was really upset. Crying. My mom and dad were in the other room watching tv. I looked into the mirror and my face was all broken out along the line of my hair - it was reacting to some conditioner or something. Then all of a sudden I'm in a conference center, still crying, and trying to find a bathroom. I end up in this area that people know me, and all I want to do is pee and leave. Still crying. For some reason I had a plate with ketchup on it, and some fell to the floor. I accidentally brushed some woman and she had cat hair on her and then some dust. I picked up a piece of material nearby to pick up the ketchup and the woman asks me for money to dry clean her shirt. And I told her to fuck off. Still crying. I brought the material to the front desk, and it turns out it was someone's sweater. I felt really bad and told the guy I'd give my number so whoever owned it could get money from me. He gave me a piece of paper and asked me to write down my number. In the dream I couldn't think of my number. Had a really hard time. Finally did it. Walking down the street crying, there were people about. The police were stopping people to test for alcohol and they stopped me because my eyes were so red, and they wouldn't listen to me. So I waited, and I chomped down, and broke a tooth. I tried getting it out, and more and more pieces of teeth came out. Then my mouth was full of broken teeth. So the police thought I was a terrorist, and went to test me immediately. I told him I had recently upped my lamictal meds, and he said ahhh... In the background a guy on a stage was holding up a cochlear implant saying that it was the exact same one Michael Jackson had.

Back to reality: Then the alarm went off. I was exhausted, so I took the bus to work. My lamictal has increased and not sure yet what it's doing. But guess I'm worried about it.

Saturday Hunt - Yello!

Oh, I mean yellow.

I really don't know why my cucumbers ended up being yellow and bloated. Jaundice? Actually, they've been attacked by bugs. I've only gotten three total odd cucumbers. Sigh.


This is a photo of my lunch today, before cooking. What's it?

My day alone - vacation

On Thursday of my vacation I had the day alone. Yay! I just went and wandered in Golden Gate park. Lots of people out since it was a beautiful day. Lots of tourists in the areas of the museums, and I generally stayed away from them. Damn tourists!

Saw this cool greened-over pond. Notice anything?


Also sat and watched some guys doing lawn bowling. And had a woman go by me on her skateboard. Made the mistake of looking her in the eye. "Want some buds?" Uh, no thanks. I'm assuming it's pot, but is it something else?

I also ran into the children's area. Carousel! I decided I hadn't been on one in a while, so took a ride.

What's pathetic is that I started getting motion sickness.

I also just stopped and read a book. Of course, I was a third of the way through it and realized I had already read it (Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing). Oh well. I just sat in the sun and relaxed.

Now THAT's a vacation day.

A ha ha for today

A few photos from vacation

I got sidetracked last night with my mom's book and applying for another job. So, some photos to keep you entertained.

In the AIDS memorial grove in the Golden Gate Park.


You can buy these in the Ferry Building.


Exhibit A's clever use of old climbing ropes. Made it himself.


Only in SF Airport?

Tired

It's really becoming clear to me that I switch moods every two weeks. Period/ovulation time. It sucks. I'm in the irritible/depressed mood right now - started yesterday. So I'm whining.
- Ex was apparently just overwhelmed when he wasn't speaking to me. He sent me an email. He called numerous times to touch base - though we never connected. We finally talked and he invited me over for pie last night - he had made one over the weekend. It was fine (the visit. the pie was excellent.). I was ok with the idea of never speaking with him again. It's hard to stay in touch.
- Sucks to hear that I'm left out of people (joint friends) leaving me out of plans. I can't get too upset. And at this point I've just come to accept it. I could push to stay connected. Push to be involved even when ex is involved. But, doesn't feel right. But it still hurts.
- Stupid door man friggin' expects me to continue with my visits at scheduled intervals. I went down yesterday morning. He wasn't there. I went back up. I went down at lunch time because needed to get out and have a meltdown, and he greets me with 'well, it's about time' or something like that. I just said "go to hell" and went out the door. And he hints about taking me for a ride on his new motorcycle. Boundaries!!! Needs to learn them.
- Part of the meltdown was due to getting into a tiff with a friend and his teenage daughter (incidentally, the friend who spearheaded the 'we gotta celebrate Pamela's birthday'). They've had a internal 'war' where they get a hold of each other's cell email accounts, and now cell phones, and send crazy messages to each other's friends. Yesterday was the first day I got a txt message, and it just pissed me off (in part because I had switched). SO I sent a harsh message, he got pissed off because teenage girls don't understand and are vulnerable, I felt pissed but also bad because it really wasn't a huge thing, etc. It all worked out I suppose.
- I went climbing last night and forgot to tape my finger and now it hurts. Stupid stupid me.
- I asked ex-b who lived in Berkeley if I would like living there (that's where the job is that I applied to) and he bust my bubble and said no. He thought it would drive me nuts - all the crazy Berkeley-ness.
- I really want to get away from my current job.

So, I want to get away from all the shit here. But there's no where to go. I'm stuck. And shit will follow me anyway. Maybe hermit-age is in order. Who needs friends? Who needs to like their job? Who needs a relationship? When you have a cat.

Don't worry, I'll get over this. Eventually.

Dance, dance, dance all night long...

Oh, what to talk about... vacation? weekend? Not sure.

Since I've had so many photos, I'll talk a little about my weekend. Went to see District 9 tonight. It was much better than I expected. And better than I thought it would be after the first 15 minutes of it - I thought I'd have to 'endure' it. But really, it was good. Very well done.

The interesting exciting thing I did was Saturday night. Long story is that there was 2 degrees of separation between me and this woman I had met before but haven't ever been friends with. We became friends on FB, and then she said she was coming into town and invited me to do something with her/them (she was bringing a friend).

So, went out to a dance hall and experienced the dancing life! I drove 35 miles to do it. I just feel I need to meet new people, and 35 miles is not so bad. It was a great time. An excellent band played that is very tight and can play almost anything - swing, polka, salsa, chicken dance... It was a hoot to watch everyone, and I even got asked to dance a couple times. Two dances with Phil, who was an excellent dancer and well built, and not bad looking to boot. And two with G, the friend, who was not so good a dancer (stomped on my bare toes!) but a good guy and good spirit.

And I remembered how much I like to dance. I'm not very good, but it might be that I need a shot of whiskey or something to relax and I'd be great. With Phil, I made myself relax and once I did, I got better (because he was so good of course). Both guys, I made them dip me. I loved to be dipped. So, I may just seek out the dance halls where you can go and pick up a partner and not have to worry about being a wallflower. If I do go, I'll wear closed toe shoes, and a skirt. Twirling is a must in a skirt.

I left early, in part because I didn't know what type of friend G was to this woman, and he was starting to hit on me a little. Run away!!!!

The rest of the weekend was spent working on my house (some with M's help), and also working on a book I'm making for my mom's 80th b-day (which was in March). I happened upon many high school photos, so loaded a bunch to FB, which was fun.

OK, sleeeeep.

Saturday Hunt - Xanadu

An idyllic, beautiful place. This place for me is Maine, on the lake I've gone for decades. My brother took this photo last year.

Lonely at the top?

This is a photo I took last year of my director before a meeting. I really liked it. Perhaps that will be me someday. I would write more but I spent last night applying to a job, yes, out west. It takes so long!!! If you do it right. Which I hope I did.




FYI, Saturday's word is xanadu.

Vacation vacation

It's late and I had a great evening and must go to bed. So, here's a really interesting video. I have in front of me a Life magazine from 1996 where I first read about these girls. So I googled and found them again.

Climbing with Exhibit A

So, I arrived Saturday just in time for dinner - having used many many forms of transportation. We had a nice dinner - me being punch drunk tired. Went back to his place, went to sleep, got up, and drove off climbing to a place that apparently not many people go to since there's a pretty hard hike up. It was a gorgeous Sunday and noone else was there. This is a view from the place we climbed. It's sport climbing, and gorgeous rock. Luther's Rock or Spire or something, by South Lake Tahoe.

On Monday he had jury duty, so we left after he finished- like 4:00. And went to Lover's Leap and did the first pitch of The Line. A climb that was rated in the top ten of some famous person's list of all time. Or at least the first pitch. I only did it because Exhibit A said he had gear we could leave behind. The climb is 3 pitches and we didn't have time for that! And it's also rated a 5.9, which I was nervous about.

Here's a picture of the climb and me on it. Damn him for photographing when he should have been belaying! Not really. I'm sure I was safe.


We didn't have to leave gear because there were bolts about 10 feet over to the right at the top of a sport climb. We were sitting there setting up the rappel and someone on the ground asked if we were ok, which I thought was very nice. It's very possible for people to get stuck on the rock. But we had two ropes and were ok. We didn't come down off the climb until it was almost dark. Pooped was I!

I'll just say again that I had a great time with him. His birthday is Sat and mine's tomorrow - two Leos would make for an interesting relationship! We had some emails back and forth since I left and he's pretty clear that long distance is not for him (quote: I hate long distance relationships) Given that I'm thinking about my life and I tend to always need/want a man in my life, I'm obsessing about him - or was at least today. I found a job that I'm going to apply for in Berkeley, which would be nice because I could envision a life there, even if he wasn't in it! But of course I freak out at the idea of moving, but maybe I need a change in my life. I don't know. It won't hurt to apply. And if I try to picture what the future will look like, it's always different than what I imagined. So, best not to fret.

I read a book: While I was Gone - Sue Miller. A quote reached out to me: We didn't know what would happen next: that was our great gift. The gift of youth. The thing we miss, it seems to me, no matter what we've made of our lives as we get older. When we do know what will happen next. And next and next and then last.

Now, that's not me and that's not my life. That was the character and her fear of same-ness. There's a little bit of that in me though. I want to not know what happens next. I want to be in positions that I don't know what will happen. You can argue that that is life all the time, but sometimes you have a better knowledge of that given your life than other times.

We'll see what happens in my 43rd year.

Internet Radio Man

And here he is - taking a picture of me with his iphone.

When we spoke on the phone IRM had a lot of ideas. One of which I liked, but which was the most 'dangerous'. Have him drive us somewhere secluded and take a hike.

And being the person I am, I was up for it, as long as I met him in person beforehand. So, we met for a late breakfast. He walks in and we chat. I actually bought him breakfast, in part because he gave me his driver's license so I could text all the pertinent information to my friend B in SF.

So, off we went! It was a great day and great to be outside. We hiked up a steep trail, with a ladder on it even, and then hiked down lots of steps. Avoiding poison oak like the plague. Then, just across the road was a hike down to the ocean and some huts, and we wandered the shoreline. Apparently he deposited some of his aunt's ashes in that spot, so we sat and just watched the waves for a bit.

We/I tried to call the radio talk show when it was time, but noone picked up. Which is a shame since, as I listened to the archives, they could have really used the call.

As we drove to his favorite seafood spot for dinner, I found out he really considered it a blind date. Which was fine, though I wasn't interested really. He asked me about my marriage, and we talked about relationships. Fine fine. After parking in a spot just a few inches bigger than his car, we went to dinner. I should have gotten what he got (tuna with wasabi butter - it was sooooo good), but it was still good.

Then he drove me to my friend's and dropped me off, giving me a hug goodbye. It really was a great day.

Of course, in the report back to the station, he wants to make up some sort of sex story. Whatever.

Back and alive

This whole week is likely going to be my vacation adventures... I'm back and survived the trip AND the meetup with internet radio man. I'm starting to feel tired, which is good since I have jet lag. I was a bit nervous out there as one day I slept until 10:00 am Pacific time, but we'll see.

I'm mostly being contemplative at the moment. It was so good to get away, it was amazing. Vacations are a good thing.

I read Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coehlo on the way back. It's kinda a female version of Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah which I've talked about before. One line (amongst many) that stuck out for me was "you are what you believe yourself to be."

It's funny - I started this blog as a way to just vent about life, and to remind myself to live life with no regrets. And this past vacation I certainly did the latter.

I really thought about it as I was sitting trying to get out a question to Exhibit A, who I had talked about before. We got along really well, and after day one of climbing I forced myself to awkwardly ask what was the deal - ie was he interested in me, if so, why didn't he try to kiss me, etc. He looked like a cornered puppy dog and couldn't really answer me. So I let him be and went to get ready for bed. He came in and gave me a hug and a quick kiss, and said yes.

Now, I am really glad I asked even though it almost killed me to do it and I was beet red asking it. I seriously thought to myself - I'm supposed to be the woman with no regrets so I *have* to do this. It led to a nice couple days, but will likely lead no further since there is a distance issue...which makes me sad. But I'm happy I did it.

And now hunger is overtaking me and I MUST eat. I will tell more stories later.