Monday, January 28, 2008

Baby Baby

So, really, even with friends that know you well, a question you really shouldn't push on is why don't you have any kids or are you going to have kids. Out of the blue it appeared this past weekend at the climbing gym, and I wasn't prepared with a smart-assed answer. All I could say was that it's a long and complicated story, and repeat that over and over until the person gave up.

But it made me sad.

My husband is great with kids. The reason the question was asked is because we were at this friend's house and they have a 5 year old and a 12 year old. And he interacted with them a lot and really well. And I know he wants kids. And I've lived my whole life expecting I would have kids. And I think I'd be a good mother. And we bought the house we bought with the expectation that we'd have kids - there's even a damn swingset in the back yard.

But neither of us wants to bring a kid into our world until we really have us figured out (I at least brought these feelings to him last night and we discussed this openly). We've come so close so many times to ending our relationship (most recently in the past month) that we both need a little bit more security and stability to be able to take that giant leap.

Meanwhile, time ticks on. I'm 41. And yes, there is adoption, and that would be fine too. But at least right now I don't see it in my future. Are we thinking too much? I don't think so. I know some people have kids to try and save a relationship, but I don't think that ever works, and wouldn't with us.

And now I kind of have an ache in my heart, but it will go away. And I know that life doesn't always turn out like you expect. And I resolve to try to focus on the complaints of my friends with kids. :-)


Susan said...

I suggest you become a scout leader. Trust me when I say that kills off any need to have a child..


Honestly, though, I sometimes get that ache and I know I have plenty of time...However, I have a very long, complicated, sad story that goes along with why I don't and why I never, ever will have children.

heather said...

next time just smile sweetly and tell him or her it's none of their damn business.
which it isn't. and if a supposed friend is pushing the issue it may be time to reevaluate the friendship.

and if time and energy permit, i think kiddo has a damn good idea.

NoRegrets said...

Yeah, Susan, likely it would.

Well Heather, it's tough when it's a fairly close friend but not quite close enough to know my whole life story. But yeah, I know. It was dropped in time though.

Churlita said...

I hate it when people ask that question. I know a lot of people with fertility problems and the last thing they want. is to be constantly reminded of it.

It sounds like you are being very wise in your decision making. When I worked at the clinic, we had a woman who had her first baby at 46 - with no drugs or anything.

My sister had her first child at 40 and second at 42...Just so you know.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks Churlita...I will keep that all in mind.

DBN said...

If it helps...I used to be an interesting person, then I had kids...:-)

Suzanne said...

Seriously, I cannot believe how rude people can be. I don't have kids (and even if I did want them, I've got medical issues which would make it hard to), but it's unbelievable how many times people feel compelled to ask me why I don't have them. What if I had just had a miscarriage? Or been trying for years? Don't people think before they open their mouths? No. Now I just tell them that babies are like toner cartridges; if you shake them a little, they work better. The questions stop immediately.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks DNB. Iknow. :-)

Welcome Suzanne! Very funny... (though I feel bad since one of the readers/blogs I read has a child who was shaken by a babysitter)