Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Just call me Special Kay

There's a lot to be said for crying alone. I personally need it once in a while. I can cry for as long as I want or need. I can be as loud as I want, look as disgusting as I want, have snot all over the place. I can be calm for a few moments and then break out in sobs again. I don't have to worry about someone being uncomfortable and feeling like they need to fix things. I don't have to stop for someone else...I stop because it's time to.

So, I cried for a half hour this morning. It wasn't because it is September 11 - I did enough crying for that at the time. I cried because I was coming to terms with the fact that I can't continue skydiving (and also a little bit of dealing with the fear I felt). Writing that, it seems so shallow, but oh well. I've been numb since Saturday, and thinking about everything, and talking over it somewhat with people. It just moves too quickly for me. I've felt rushed since day 1, lesson 1, and I've managed to keep up somewhat, but doing two dives in a day just blew me over the edge.

The problem is I don't have a trust fund. I didn't win the lottery. I don't have unlimited funds. In order for me to be able to do this in a way that I can deal with it, I think I'd need double the amount of skydives that they require. I need more time talking over the issues and concepts, and the instructors don't have that time. I need more hand holding.

I will of course go back for one more skydive. Pride. I don't want to be known as the chick who gave up because she had one bad skydive. Wussy girl. And I want to say bye and thank you to the crew, since they are good people.

Why did I cry so much? Because I feel weak. I acknowledge my weaknesses, but I don't like them. My brain is weak and my body is weak. Yes, everything is relative, and I'm much stronger than some people. But sometimes I feel 'challenged' (hence the name Special Kay - I have this personal joke that I'd name my kids Kay and Ed, and they'd be very 'special'). It makes me feel sad...but at least I'm un-numbed.

[Thinking about this more, it has to be more than what I wrote above. I think I'm coming down off my last several months of stress...]

10 comments:

Susan said...

You aren't weak. You did something I'll never be able to bring myself to do. Letting the tears out is more than some of us can do too...

NoRegrets said...

Thanks...

DangerDoll said...

I second that. You are NOT weak. Take a sec and think of all the things you do regularly that other people (oh, I don't know, say, ME) are too scared to even ponder.

And I do the crying alone thing occasionally, too. It's good relief for all those emotions. But, girl, I do NOT do the "pretty cry". Nope, it's "ugly cry", Rudolph nose and snotty chin and hiccup-y gasps all the way. :-)

NoRegrets said...

Thanks too. As I said, it's all relative. It's hard being around people sometimes who have absolutely no problem doing what you are having a problem doing. Adn I do have a weak body.

Though, a funny story related to that. A good friend of mine made a comment when I got married to my gets-no-jet-lag, mountain-lion-wrestling, hikes-at-high-noon-across-lava with-no-food-or-drink-needed, etc. husband, and I was complaining about not being able to keep up with him, and she said, well, now you know how the rest of us feel when we're around you. Sigh.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

I still don't get it.

Your jumps have been way ahead of the curve and good. Where did you get the idea that you were falling behind?

NoRegrets said...

I wish I could blame it on PMS-ing...

NoRegrets said...

OK, I have been crying for another 20 minutes and counting. Got a good ugly face going on. I actually don't know at this point what's going on... Part of it Gnome is that I have to believe I can do it and I don't. Right now at least. Like I said, I'm doing another jump, and we'll see what happens.

NoRegrets said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tera said...

Don't ever view crying as weakness...sometimes I feel so much better after crying.

NoRegrets said...

OK, I was pms-ing. sigh.