Friday, March 21, 2008

Overwhelmed

My therapist says I shouldn't write about my life so much in this blog, because you don't know me and I might be affected by comments you make. My therapist says that I should not date for at least a year, given my history of jumping from one boyfriend to the next. My therapist says I'm doing a great job of dealing with all this.

But I type faster than I write in my journal and I so need to just dump. I am feeling so overwhelmed, trying to continue to be true to myself and wade through the murky waters of all this. I'm trying hard to be true to myself and at the same time be open to real life.

But what is real life? A husband who is straddling the line between love and hate, and he doesn't even know it. A husband who is struggling with his overwhelming emotions, and so wants/needs me to be there for him since I'm his best friend, and who wants to see me break down so that he can be there for me, and feel close again. A husband who hates the therapist for putting him through all the emotions we went through in that session. A husband who wants things to go well and afraid that they won't, and wants to be nice to me, but doesn't.

And me, ready to pop. Easter is this weekend and my family normally at the very least has brunch (not everyone even goes to church). And I want the connection but afraid of having to explain shit that I cannot or do not want to explain. Speaking with my mom on the phone, she so wanted to understand why why why, but didn't want to push. And me needing to remember that people don't need to know why - it's my life - but the judgements are going to come.

The judgements will come when I inevitably will date someone sooner than people think is appropriate. Because if I find someone that I feel I can be with that is a good choice, I know me, I won't say no. But I'm supposed to force myself to be alone because it's good for me.

And all this time every day, every moment, I'm supposed to know what I want. I'm only just learning this shit! And I know that one of the best things is to give myself some alone time, but alone time brings emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed. How many times a day/week do I need to do that?

I'm so happy I'm spending time tonight with friends who really make me laugh, and there will be beer. I thought I wanted to get completely drunk, but I so feel like shit after getting drunk that I don't want to. I will just walk that fine line between feeling great and getting wasted, as I'm walking all these other fine lines which seem to be cutting into my feet.

8 comments:

EsLocura said...

I'm thinking you really don't need to explain, a simple, "I don't want to discuss it" should be enough. enjoy your night out with friends and wear some really groovy shoes. : )

Susan said...

Yes, shoes are important.

I have no opinions to share on your situation. I, however, have an impressive collection of shoes. I'd loan any of them to you. :)

NoRegrets said...

Sigh, I should have gotten this advice yesterday! All my groovy shoes are at my house, where I am not. Though I could stop by today, say HI - JUST NEED TO GET A PAIR OF GROOVY SHOES FOR TONIGHT and leave. Ha, that would be swell.

I have a pair I bought in Germany - completely impractical, tiger print, fun. I might just have to stop and get them.

WNG said...

Love you.

squirrel said...

When I told my therapist about my blog, I had to explain to her what a blog is. Then I had to show her. I'm still not sure she got it.

Briefly, I don't think you write too much. Writing can be cathartic. Feedback can also be cathartic.

Good shoes may well indeed protect your feet from those fine lines you're walking on.

NoRegrets said...

Thanks, WNG...
Squirrel, yes, I had that same conversation with my therapist. They're too busy dealing with real live people to deal with blogs...

Churlita said...

I wish telling people that you don't want to talk about things worked. My sister just uses that as an excuse to ask incessant questions. I hate being the youngest.

evil-e said...

I don't tell people much about my life anymore..they just use it against you at a later date.

People get my humorous side and my mean-funny side. They are parts of me but not the whole shooting match to say the least.