Overwhelmed

My therapist says I shouldn't write about my life so much in this blog, because you don't know me and I might be affected by comments you make. My therapist says that I should not date for at least a year, given my history of jumping from one boyfriend to the next. My therapist says I'm doing a great job of dealing with all this.

But I type faster than I write in my journal and I so need to just dump. I am feeling so overwhelmed, trying to continue to be true to myself and wade through the murky waters of all this. I'm trying hard to be true to myself and at the same time be open to real life.

But what is real life? A husband who is straddling the line between love and hate, and he doesn't even know it. A husband who is struggling with his overwhelming emotions, and so wants/needs me to be there for him since I'm his best friend, and who wants to see me break down so that he can be there for me, and feel close again. A husband who hates the therapist for putting him through all the emotions we went through in that session. A husband who wants things to go well and afraid that they won't, and wants to be nice to me, but doesn't.

And me, ready to pop. Easter is this weekend and my family normally at the very least has brunch (not everyone even goes to church). And I want the connection but afraid of having to explain shit that I cannot or do not want to explain. Speaking with my mom on the phone, she so wanted to understand why why why, but didn't want to push. And me needing to remember that people don't need to know why - it's my life - but the judgements are going to come.

The judgements will come when I inevitably will date someone sooner than people think is appropriate. Because if I find someone that I feel I can be with that is a good choice, I know me, I won't say no. But I'm supposed to force myself to be alone because it's good for me.

And all this time every day, every moment, I'm supposed to know what I want. I'm only just learning this shit! And I know that one of the best things is to give myself some alone time, but alone time brings emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed. How many times a day/week do I need to do that?

I'm so happy I'm spending time tonight with friends who really make me laugh, and there will be beer. I thought I wanted to get completely drunk, but I so feel like shit after getting drunk that I don't want to. I will just walk that fine line between feeling great and getting wasted, as I'm walking all these other fine lines which seem to be cutting into my feet.