slow motion horror movie

Downstairs, I move the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer and to the drying rack. One item. Two. I look down, and there's a 2 inch long slug on the floor. Ack! I look at the door, and there over the sock lying by the door, is a slug trail. Ack! I get a bag and pick up the slug [shudder] and throw it in the garbage. And notice another slug by the cat food dish. Holy crap! Pick that one up and throw it in the garbage. I look around, don't see any more slugs. But there's a paintbrush under the dryer. How did that get there? Did the slugs move it there? More clothes in the dryer, turn around, and there's a slug by the cat litter! Holy fuck! Into the trash it goes. I put a towel across the bottom of the door, and make my exit upstairs, shuddering all the way. I'm scared to go down there in the morning.

One of the cards I got on my birthday. I really didn't realize I snort all that much.

are you mad at me?

Another thing I do, even at work!, is want to make sure people like me. Which is so damn funny, because truly half the time I don't care really if people like me or not. I yam what I yam. But, if I'm a little down, or stressed, or whatever, I want to make sure that I don't do anything that will make people not like me. And how can you be a manager or in any sort of responsibility if you feel that way? You can't. People are adults, and if they aren't, it's not your problem. But man, I still want everyone to like me.

Oh, and, um, they contacted me for a phone interview. Already.

Is everybody happy?

In the past week I've encountered examples of how I feel the responsibility to make other people happy. I have to stop that, and realize that it's everyone's individual responsibility to obtain their own happiness. I can be a mentor. I can listen. But I cannot create happiness for someone else.

Example 1: I climbed with my ex on Saturday. He was talking again about he has no friends, and now noone to climb with either. And said something about going to see a movie sometime. And asked about climbing with my friend B and me on Mon/Wed. I felt a little suffocated, but also sorry for him and wanted to help him out. I sent some email later that day and we had some back and forth that led him to ultimately call me. And he reminded me that I'm not responsible for making him happy. It made me cry, because I really want people I care about to be happy.

Example 2: This one was so friggin' convoluted. S is a woman who was at J-tree last year with another friend. I want to climb with her someday on a trip. I mentioned J-tree to her this year before plans were being made. M is the one who owns the house. Exhibit A had mentioned how he would like to see S again. So I sort of created a mess because I don't really know her well enough to push to have her at J-tree (ie twist M's arm), and M kinda wanted a small group this year. And she's a climbing fool and will do anything to climb. So I told her to sort of invite herself, and that went over poorly. And I finally had to tell M that I was responsible for the chaos. Ack, you likely don't understand this one, but let me just say it was hard for me to admit my part in it all since I thought M would be mad at me and I thought I had created stress for him. And I almost cried talking to him.

Sigh. I need to just work on making myself happy.

Part of my weekend / Today

- Fighting a cold all weekend so took a 3 hour nap Saturday and 2 hour on Sunday.
- Never tell a woman with 3 children under the age of 2 1/2 that you took a nap even if you were sick.
- Slept in this morning but still got to work on time.
- Joined LinkedIn yesterday on the advice of a friend. Professional networking... interesting. But ANOTHER thing to take care of.
- Spent at least 7 hours working on a letter/resume for high level job in SF.
- Went to eat a danish that was in the workroom. Picked it up off my plate, and luckily saw the bottom. Two pieces of fruit were stuck to the bottom which had lots of mold on them. God's trying to take care of my weight.
- today's my wedding anniversary

Saturday Hunt - Jersey

New Jersey: Climber Smurf wants to see my homeland, New Jersey. He thinks he can transport himself by standing on the WFMU sticker, clicking his heels together, and chanting "I wish I were home."


Old Jersey: Since he thinks he's going on a trip, he's putting on a jersey to keep him warm


Oh, I choose Laura to choose.

it's beginning to look like a kitchen

Before Grout

After grout

I could show you but I'm not

The grout is going in tomorrow. Amazing. I'll put up a photo tomorrow.

For now, I'll share with you my favorite lyrics from this weekend as I listened to country on the way back from visiting my friend.


Country song 1

she said hey boy do you mind taking me home tonight cuz i aint never seen a country boy with tires on his truck this high
i said climb on up but watch the cup that i spit my dip inside and hold on tight cuz its gonna be wilder then any 8 second ride
we went ridin around rockin to the sound of a country boy can survive
and i knew then that she was my kinda girl cuz she was singin every single line

Country song 2

5 foot something, cherry balm she had everything going on
The first thing that caught my eye
She was rockin’ the beer gut and I love the way she’s not ashamed
Rockin’ the beer gut well it’s just some extra love around her waist
Rockin’ the beer gut she’s more than hot, she’s everything and with the blue jeans a little tight around her butt
Pretty little girl’s, rockin’ the beer gut

Visitors to my front door

My floor is being started tomorrow, this time for real, so preparing, so here's some photos. I call the series: bugs on doors.

Smackdown!

This weekend I went to visit my friend, Cutiepie's mom, who needed some help since her husband was away on a two day training. It was a good excuse for me to go up - I hadn't yet met Cutiepie's new sister, who apparently has 4 arms instead of 2.

So, one of the things I did was take Cutiepie to the park. She had a great time, and I was really glad I wasn't taking care of one of the little boys strewn about the park. Boy they are nuts! (multiple puns not intended). I thought the walk home was going to be long and tedious, but for some reason she decided running away from me was the thing to do. GREAT.

Except when she went to the end of the path, which didn't even have a curb at the intersection of the street. Thank goodness she knew the word stop and listened to me. But it was kinda ok, since the cars have a stop sign and the car there was waiting to make sure she didn't run into the street. Jeez though.

One thing I've created with kids her age is Smackdown! Like the wonderful wrestlers on tv, I pick them up, smack them down on the ground (gently of course) and pretend to squish them with my body. Of course, yelling Smackdown! when I do it. Again. And again. And again.

We went out to dinner, and C's dad had to take her and the new baby out for a walk. When they got back C had a rock - decent size. And she looks at me as she's leaning into the booth, puts the rock down, and Smackdown! she says. And lays her body on the rock. LOL! Then later as she's going upstairs for her bath, I see her pick up her big teddy bear, and from around the corner I heard Smackdown! and I"m sure she's on top of the bear. Yay! Taught her something new. My job is complete.

Saturday Hunt - Yarn

As the sun set, Climber Smurf rappels down. Someone realized how light he is and that he could rap down on yarn, so lowered some yarn to him. Despite his trials and tribulations, he is smiling. And I am sure he will climb again.

Email from a friend

Just sell everything you have and go to San Francisco. Period! If you don't just up and do it now, you'll never do it. S. and I both moved to D.C., and then to Ithaca, Scottsdale, and Killadelphia, knowing no one, having no jobs, simply because we wanted to. That's all you need. You don't have any problem. You're just stuck in conventional thinking. Think outside the freaking conventions.

I'm a little sad

- Heard from one job I applied for. Nope. Yes, I know, I just have to keep looking and applying.
- I'm giving up daydreaming about Exhibit A. It was fun while it lasted, but it's not going anywhere. Yes, I know, there are other fish in the sea.

Made me LOL out loud

Buy books and other stuff at www.bizarro.com

Twitter Tuesday

I met a former colleague on the street last week. We chatted about stuff, including my divorce. She tells me: I knew the day I married him that I shouldn't have married him. But I stayed because I wanted kids. Sixteen years later we divorced.

Whew.

I joke around a lot with the door guys. The one guy who only takes over for lunch is pretty damn funny - we get along very well. He's young-ish, married, and has 5 girls. Whew! Anyway, the other day I caught the transition time, so my regular door guy friend was taking over and the replacement had to go do other work. Noone was in the lobby. I thought he was walking down the stairs to the basement to do something, but he follows me into the elevator. I did a fake scream. He busted out laughing and said that any other place he'd been mad. But he was laughing hard. I think about that and damn, I'm nuts.

Jeez.

Oh, and despite all the warnings from my psychiatrist about the new level of medication I was supposed to take, I managed to screw it up. I was supposed to be taking 175 mg and instead I took 225 mg for a month. Apparently that's why I've been having trouble with waking up early (4 am every day), because there's too much 'up'. So now I take away the leftover antidepressant and we'll see how that goes. But really, it's working. I feel all the stuff that has been happening for the last year, but it's way muted. I can control it. Both good and bad. So, I'm happy.

Happy?

Oh, and one thing from the weekend. M came over to help me Saturday, so I took him out to dinner. He really liked the place, which was good. Then we went for a walk and sat down in the beautiful night, and listened to a blues player. It was perfect, except for the fact that he wasn't my boyfriend. Oh well.

Manly girl

My friend M recently (in the past few months) jokingly called me a manly girl. I will never let him forget it of course. But it makes me think of two fairly recent experiences.

When climbing with Exhibit A the first day, it was warm out, so I took off my shirt after hiking up and just had a sports top. He had never seen me without being covered up (I had met him at Thanksgiving time). His reaction: "look at those pipes!" I was proud, but never had heard that term for muscle arms. Whatever - so I posed. Of course, it's a term used for men - I googled it, and the term pipes was used for women for leaky pipes and strengthening pelvic muscles.

Then climbing with my ex this weekend, who is a BIG workout nut (btw, if anyone wants to date a guy who's in great shape and a good man, I can give you his email), looks down at me when I'm starting this really hard climb and says "look at those biceps!" I'm in the middle of swearing my head off working to get up the climb without falling, and he says that. I thought he was trying to distract me, but when I got up top he said he was serious. Six years of marriage and one of divorce, and NOW he starts noticing my body.

Oh, and Internet radio man had said on our follow up call that he was more scared of me... Again, likely because of my muscles.

Yes, I'm a strong woman. I don't wear makeup or wear stilettos, but I look good in a dress nevertheless.

Ty-red

Weekend:
- put up my shades finally!!!!

This is to show you that the paint that they said would match the color of the top bar of the shades doesn't quite match. I will say in a certain light it does. So, will have to go back to YPM (young paint man) to ask what the deal is.

They really make such a HUGE difference. And you know what? They are EXCELLENT. If they weren't so damn expensive, I'd have them everywhere in the house.

Today I went climbing with the ex. When he first called me last minute on Friday, I was feeling a little weird/a little used. But then realized that one thing I've wanted is to follow someone who climbs hard. Well, that he does. We climbed three 5.10's (trad -named Venom, Breakneck, and something else). And I swore up every one. Got a nicely bruised thumb. My fingers survived. And had a really nice time. Odd odd. We talked on the way out about how we both felt pathetic. Him because he's been a climbing slut, but outside of climbing doesn't really see/talk to anyone. Me because I have climbed like 5 times outside this season. It was odd too to have him reference something we did together when we were married (rented a canoe when it was pouring rain and went down the river near the climbing area) and to have it be mostly ok.

Many other nice things happened this weekend, but I'm tired. I will say I have to learn to watch my liquor intake. Too much wine Friday night and a friend dropped me into the hostess' open dishwasher. You'd think I'm a lush, but I'm not. Thankfully handy men abound...

Saturday Hunt - Epic

Remember way back when, when Climbersmurf was getting ready to climb the wall despite all indications that he shouldn't? Well, he did so anyway. And now he's stuck halfway up with no rope. It has become an epic. We'll see how long it takes him to get down.

This isn't really 1,000

Because I know I have at least one draft message. Whew. So I don't have to be deep.

Enjoyed a moment tonight. Billy curled up in his cat bed. Me laying my head on his body while I scratched under the chin, so I could feel and hear him purring.

Post

I had an inspiration on the way home today but it is gone now. Here's a haiku.

Nodding off at work
I don't give a flying fuck
I need a new job

Oh boy, that's pretty bitter. Here. I'll make up for it.

Riding in the rain
Take one slip and you will fall
You! wear a helmet.

I did that on Tuesday. Riding away from the gym. No helmet on. Thank goodness I had big bike bags because the bike did not go completely horizontal and I could get my feet out and land sort of upright. Screamed of course. Hmm... I still could be more upbeat.

Now the heat is gone
Now summer slips into fall
Now the crickets chirp

So, a little bit better. I love having the windows open and hearing the crickets. And the birds in the morning. For some reason the blue jays are back and I love listening to them. I guess they don't like hot weather?

The season changes
A new life is being built
One brick at a time

I'm trying to gather energy to build up my new life. To have the energy to go out and meet new people. New climbers. New friends. I'm allowing myself to be kinda a hermit for a little while though. As long as I don't get sucked into self pity and depression. Trying not to. Patience, grasshopper.

Weekend

So, the weekend ended up being an extremely busy one.
Friday night went with friends to see a friend's brother play in a band (an hour away). We made it there for the last two songs. Oops.
Saturday I finished the shed. As you know. I had to go the hardware store to see if they had a smalllll can of the stain/paint I was using and they didn't but I got to see my favorite paint guy. The guy with the attitude, but the knowledge to back it up and the blunt talk to get the point across. Reminds me of an ex boyfriend. We get along very well, but woo hoo, there's two, ok three, problems with getting to know each other further. 1) I'm a customer. 2) He has a pit bull. 3) He just turned 30 (HFS!). Oh, I also painted the ceiling and further prepped the windows.
Saturday night went out to dinner with M. Then went to see It Might Be Loud. Excellent excellent movie, if you like music. Really well done. We both left with smiles on our faces. How can you not when you see what joy these men have in playing guitar.
Sunday, more house work. Ugh. Never ends. But took 4 hours to drive myself to a lake and hang out and swim two times and relax in the sun. Imagine that. Oh, got ADD and painted outside railings. Got two more to go. In the evening met up with 3 friends and had a great time drinking and eating good food.
Monday, more work on the house. Managed to get by the end of the day two coats of the paint on the frames. Now all I have to do is put on the shades. I'm getting M's help for that - too scared to fuck it up. I also slopped some in the kitchen and the walls. And by 5 I was POOPED. So I sat and read a book (Shutter Island - realllly good).
So that was my boring but incredibly tiring weekend.

Planning for the day I can put the backsplash in.

Quotes from The Witch of Portobello

I marked off a bunch when I was reading it, and not sure where else to put them. So here you go.

Pity those who seek for shepherds, instead of longing for freedom! An encounter with the superior energy is open to anyone but remains far from those who shift responsibility onto others. Our time on this earth is sacred, and we should celebrate every moment. (11)

What is a teacher? I'll tell you: it isn't someone who teaches something, but someone who inspires the student to give of her best in order to discover what she already knows. (78)

Let go of the idea that the path will lead you to your goal. The truth is that with each step we take, we arrive. (131)

Believe...[...] simply believe that you can.

Reprogram yourself every minute of each day with thoughts that make you grow. When you're feeling irritated or confused, try to laugh at yourself. Laugh out loud at this woman tormented by doubts and anxieties, convinced that her problems are the most important thing in the world. (150)

You are who you believe yourself to be. (152)

The true teacher gives the disciple the courage to throw his or her world off balance, even though the disciple is afraid of things already encountered, and more afraid still of what might be around the next corner. (213)

Saturday Hunt - Wave

Oh boy. I'm going to stretch the limits of the word and have about 3 degrees of separation from it. When I heard wave, I thought of the coke saying - Catch the Wave - Coke (or is it Diet Coke?). In any event, I could use a Coke right now. I finished the damn shed! Cheating a bit because I ran out of the stain so I used some white spray paint I had. And I didn't listen to any of you and chose blue for the door. I like it a lot actually.



Tonight I'm going to see It Might Get Loud (stories from Jimmy Page, The Edge and the guy from White Stripes. Tomorrow I might go to a lake and relax and swim. After all, it's a long weekend. And I'm not climbing (and trying to not be depressed about it). OK, gotta go shower and get all this shit off of me. Happy Day!

WWYD

What's with all the acronyms with me lately? Not sure.
What Would You Do?
Would you listen to your gut and say no to a friend?
Would you let something go because in the end it's just not important enough to risk a friendship for?
Is it truly a friendship?
Not sure.
Not sure WIWD.

No new floor tonight. Long story. In part has to do with the above. I had hoped for a nicer evening. Instead there's anxiety. Kinda hard to let it go.

In any event, got word that my brother got the book. Has it in hand. Will be given to my mom tomorrow morning. I'm very excited. Wish I could be there. But it will be filmed, and I'll see the film. I kinda on purpose wanted to not be there. I tend to come up with ideas and they get implemented and at least once in the past I've gotten all the credit, when it's been all my siblings *and* me that have made it happen. So, I won't be there. Kinda sad though.

Believe it or not (I can hardly believe it), I'm coming up on my 1,000th post. Weird. I have been taking time to go back into my archives and delete drafts, so I know when it's truly 1,000. Maybe I'll make a cake and send y'all a piece. And though he is here no longer, I thank the Gnome for connecting me with your world, piece by piece, person by person.

I'm going to go to bed early to get rid of this anxiety. Maybe I won't wake up at 4 am like I have been. We'll see.

ADD

So, I wrote this on facebook, but I really do seem to have ADD when it comes to house projects. NOTHING is finished! Lots of stuff started though.

Sigh.

Here's an example of a spontaneous (ish) project. It was supposed to be a nice day Sunday. So, I decided to paint my shed. Sigh. I say 'ish' because I had the paint/stain and the TSP (environmentally correct one). So I really was prepared. But BOY did it take a long time. And it's not done.

In the morning I scrubbed it with a strong TSP solution. Here you can see that it needed it.


Then it was time to paint. It took a lonnnng time to just do one wall! I started on the side and realized how long it was taking, so I moved to the front so I'd feel a sense of accomplishment. Thing is, it's made out of something called (my friend says) T111, which notoriously sucks up paint. And it has grooves, which have to be painted sort of separately. Anyways, here's the front. Realize my yard really isn't all that big - it just looks it in this photo.


Isn't it BLINDING? It takes over the yard! Crap crap crap. But I have to live with it because there's NO WAY I'm painting it again. I still have to finish the other walls. And I'm not doing the back wall. I don't have a ladder big enough and I just don't care enough.

So, what color should I paint the door?

Arg

My life has been crazy busy in part because I'm preparing to get my kitchen floor done - tomorrow. Had to buy shit, clean the kitchen, etc. Someday I'll write something interesting.

In the meantime, forgot my bra. Will update counter.