Monday update

Hi all - thanks for all your comments. I actually came down with a migrane last night that wiped me out until noon, and am just getting on the computer. I'm at my house giving some attention to my other cat.

I'm so glad I have a vacation coming up. Thursday to Tuesday.

Life Sucks and then your cat dies

I received a call last night from my husband that Cleo was bleeding out of a spot no living thing should bleed out of. So, we rushed her to the hospital, and of course given her condition and age, I elected to put her down. She was a very good cat, the first one I had on my own, a wonderful mom to her kittens, a wonderful example to other cats in the house, playful, loving, and yes, occasionally a pain the ass. Thankfully I had spent some time with her Saturday - had even succumbed to her pleading eyes to get the leftover milk from my breakfast cereal. She will be remembered with love.

Scavenger Hunt - Old

This photo was taken at the wedding of a good friend. The head with the most gray hair is mine. Old old old am I. :-)

Do the test

I love it. Do NOT read the comments before you do it since some[Heather]one gave it away.

Soapoperaific

OK, because of one of Churlita's comments I realize I haven't written anything recently about the status of my life. But given what a wonderful soapoperaific life I have (how's that for a word Tera?), I gotta keep the updates coming.

- I have been out of my house for several weeks, except when my husband's been away.
- My kitties obviously miss me.
- Hubby and I started walking through the house figuring out who gets what and what needs to be mediated/negotiated. [that was Saturday, and Sat. night I had a meltdown while out with my friends]
- Hubby's trying to figure out if he can afford to keep the house. I cannot.
- Hubby indicated he's going to be cautious, so I'm being cautious too. Hubby will hopefully be told that he should be happy how reasonable I'm being.
- I have been advised that I should not sign a lease for a new place until some things are legally set.
- I have been advised that I should even spend some time at the house when he is there (like sleep overnight).
- I miss being in my house, but would like life to move on. Hubby's not good with moving on, so we'll see how it goes.

In Keeping with the Food theme - Egg McMuffin Man

A Southern California McDonald's restaurants official says Egg McMuffin inventor Herb Peterson has died in Santa Barbara at age 89.

Peterson came up with idea for the signature McDonald's breakfast item in 1972.

He began his career with McDonald's as vice president of the company's advertising firm, D'Arcy Advertising, in Chicago. He wrote McDonald's first national advertising slogan, "Where Quality Starts Fresh Every Day," and eventually became a franchisee.

I must say, I do love an egg mcmuffin once in a while. Every couple years is all my body can take.

Recipes

Last day home alone, and cleaning up some of my stuff. Below are a few recipes that I don't want to lose.

Maple Mustard Glaze Salmon [not that I'm getting the grill but the recipe is soooo good]
3 tbsp Dijon mustard
3 tbsp maple syrup
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
4 salmon fillets
1 15" cedar plank, soaked

Combine first four ingredients in a zip plastic bag, add salmon, and marinate in refrigerator for 10-20 min [note, half a day is great] Heat grill to 350, place soaked plan on hot grill, and close lid; allow plank to heat fo r3-5 min or until plan begins to lightly smoke and crackle. Remove salmon from marinade, place salmon, skin side down, on hot plank. Close lidd and cook t desired doneness (10-15 min).


Cherry Pie [not that I'm getting Wisconsin sour cherries any more, but the recipe is soooo good]
4 c. frozen unsweetened cherries. do not thaw.
add 1 c. sugar, 3 Tb. of quick cooking tapioca, 1/2 tsp. almond extract. Mix well. let stand 15 min.
Add to crust, put 2 TB butter or margarine in dots all over pie. Sprinkle just a little nutmeg. Add top crust. Make vent holes. Add cinnamon and sugar to top of crust. Bake at 400 for 50-55 min (turning pie 2x).


Golden Blossom Skillet Chicken [easy, good, have had recipe for almost literally 20 years but keep losing it]
3 lbs. chicken parts or breasts
1 c. chopped onion
2 Tb veg oil.
8 oz can of tomato sauce
3/4 c. orange juice
1/4 c. lemon juice
1/4 c. honey
2 Tb. prepared mustard
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp dried tarragon
2 tsp chopped garlic

Cook onions. Add chicken and cook for 5 min. Mix remaining ingredients in small bowl. Pour sauce over chicken, cover and simmer until tender, about 30-40 min.

Arrived today via email - Cab Driver Sang Me to Work

MY CAB DRIVER SANG ME TO WORK - MOBILE PODCAST - 80 seconds:
I got into a cab today where the driver says "Welcome to my karaoke cab miss." He asks my name and then sings - as in sings with portable mic wearing a cowboy hat - fun songs during the cab fare. I was cackling as he agreed to make a mobile podcast right there via Utterz.com using my cell phone.

Here's 80 seconds for you:
http://www.utterz.com/~u-NTA1NTY5Mg/utt.php#uttNTA1NTY5Mg

Stand Up Comedy

My co-worker just told me that a local comedy club has a stand up comedy class. She went to the graduation last night, and had a really good time. Someone in one of the organizations we work with was graduating that night.

Question for the day is, how do you think I should take her suggestion that I should do the class? I'm going to take it as a compliment, since I have a tendency to make her laugh through my off the wall comments and observations.

It's an interesting idea... maybe someday! Considering I cannot remember ever a single joke - not even the electron one with the charge - it might be a challenge. But I guess stand up is all about observations. And I certainly do that.

Raining McCain

Poor McCain - this just doesn't compare with Obama Girl.

Customer Service - NOT

So, yesterday I drove into work. I don't normally do this because I'm CHEAP and don't want to pay for parking. But today I had to.

So, the end of the day I went to pick up my car. And they couldn't find my key. They showed me every key in the collection. I brought myself down to the car and opened up the car with the remote opener, and the key wasn't in there. I maintained my calm and asked how I was going to get home - they simply said they would look further for the key.

Finally, a half hour later, they found the key. Not unreasonably, I asked for my money back. To my shock and disbelief, the man told me no, because I hadn't been waiting that long, and that it was a single key, implying that it was my fault for not attaching it to a key chain. At first I threatened to leave my car where it was, but unfortunately there was enough space for another car to get around, and it didn't faze him. So, I asked him for the manager's number, and his name. He wrote down the number of the manager, and not his name. So, I repeated again that I wanted his name.

As he was futzing pretending to write his name down but not really doing anything, a guy I had seen down in the garage came up - dress shirt wearing with tie. I asked if he was the manager, and noted that I wanted my money back. Before he even reached me he said I'd be getting my money back and a week of free parking. I told him the guy had refused to give me my money back. So, he told the guy to give me my money back and a week of free parking, and the guy had the audacity to say 'no, why should I?'.

Oh my. The tie-wearing guy barked that he was a representative of the building and that he should not question his authority, and promptly made the guy take the money out of his pocket and give me my cash back. Boy, was the garage attendant steaming, and I loved it. Supposedly I also have a week of free parking there, but as I told the tie dude, no way am parking there ever again. Think about it - all garages have disclaimers saying that they are not responsible for anything that happens to the car. Do you think my car would be in good shape if I ever brought it there again? I think not. I was just happy to get my money back.

Saturday Hunt - Perfect

I was looking out my friend's window Sat. morning as I sat and did some work on a computer, and saw his cherry blossom tree in full bloom. And I thought it was perfect for 'perfect'. It's part of nature's perfection. It's the promise of spring and rebirth, which for me right now is perfectly what I need.

Easter Candy

You Are an Easter Egg

You're so sweet, you don't need candy. You much prefer the taste of artificial coloring instead.

What Easter Candy Are You?

Soundtrack for my day

(These are the entire albums - I'll update as I get through them. My boss had to come knock on my door to ask me to lower Meatloaf. Oops...)

Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf ("And I know that I'm damned if I never get out, and I know that I'm damned if I do")
Similar Features - Melissa Ethridge ("I've got a chrome plated heart." "Everybody's got a reason to abandon their plan. How can I think of tomorrow with my sorrow in hand." "Damn my soul that clutches to this pain." OH my - what a huge break up album this is! I'll move on to something more upbeat, don't worry.)
Mixed CD: ("I just want to feel real love in the home that I live in. I've got too much love, running through my veins, to go to waste." "the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back again" "let them know you realize that life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last")

Overwhelmed

My therapist says I shouldn't write about my life so much in this blog, because you don't know me and I might be affected by comments you make. My therapist says that I should not date for at least a year, given my history of jumping from one boyfriend to the next. My therapist says I'm doing a great job of dealing with all this.

But I type faster than I write in my journal and I so need to just dump. I am feeling so overwhelmed, trying to continue to be true to myself and wade through the murky waters of all this. I'm trying hard to be true to myself and at the same time be open to real life.

But what is real life? A husband who is straddling the line between love and hate, and he doesn't even know it. A husband who is struggling with his overwhelming emotions, and so wants/needs me to be there for him since I'm his best friend, and who wants to see me break down so that he can be there for me, and feel close again. A husband who hates the therapist for putting him through all the emotions we went through in that session. A husband who wants things to go well and afraid that they won't, and wants to be nice to me, but doesn't.

And me, ready to pop. Easter is this weekend and my family normally at the very least has brunch (not everyone even goes to church). And I want the connection but afraid of having to explain shit that I cannot or do not want to explain. Speaking with my mom on the phone, she so wanted to understand why why why, but didn't want to push. And me needing to remember that people don't need to know why - it's my life - but the judgements are going to come.

The judgements will come when I inevitably will date someone sooner than people think is appropriate. Because if I find someone that I feel I can be with that is a good choice, I know me, I won't say no. But I'm supposed to force myself to be alone because it's good for me.

And all this time every day, every moment, I'm supposed to know what I want. I'm only just learning this shit! And I know that one of the best things is to give myself some alone time, but alone time brings emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed. How many times a day/week do I need to do that?

I'm so happy I'm spending time tonight with friends who really make me laugh, and there will be beer. I thought I wanted to get completely drunk, but I so feel like shit after getting drunk that I don't want to. I will just walk that fine line between feeling great and getting wasted, as I'm walking all these other fine lines which seem to be cutting into my feet.

Drinking at a young age

Eslocura's comments contained a thread about drinking - what to drink, when, etc. And my comment leads to this post.

I started drinking when I was around 6. My dad would drink highballs (bourbon and ginger ale) and I always wanted a sip. It got so that he would give me my own drink - obviously 99% ginger ale and 1% bourbon or something like that. And over time it was no problem to try beer or wine. I really feel that relaxed attitude helped me growing up. Alcohol wasn't this forbidden substance that I had to get at all costs.

Now, that is not to say I didn't do some things wrong. I still to this day cannot drink peppermint schnapps - I won't go into detail on that one except to say that puking out a car window is no fun. And Alabama Slammers can really get you majorly drunk fast. And once I remember coming home from being at a friend's house where we had some vodka, and sitting across from my mother at the kitchen table pretending I had done nothing, thinking that I was set because vodka is a clear alcohol. My parents aren't very confrontational so I didn't get in trouble.

But overall, if I had kids, I'd like to raise them the same way. Trouble is, likely one day the cops would appear at my door and I'd be in jail for enabling underage drinking. Which would be crap, but again, could happen. When did you start drinking?

Baselining

A climber friend sent this to me. So, you wanna combine a rock-climber related activity (slacklining) with base jumping? Here's an instructional video. Sign me up! NOT. Just waiting for the day he falls too close to the rock and can't open his chute.
Oops, has to be a link.

Going on Now - Sunshine Week

Sunshine Week is a national initiative to open a dialogue about the importance of open government and freedom of information. Participants include print, broadcast and online news media, civic groups, libraries, non-profits, schools and others interested in the public's right to know.

Sunshine Week is led by the American Society of Newspaper Editors and is funded primarily by a challenge grant from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation of Miami.

Though spearheaded by journalists, Sunshine Week is about the public's right to know what its government is doing, and why. Sunshine Week seeks to enlighten and empower people to play an active role in their government at all levels, and to give them access to information that makes their lives better and their communities stronger.

Sunshine Week is a non-partisan initiative whose supporters are conservative, liberal and everything in between.

Off to St. Louis for Work

Yet again. Last time this year, hopefully... Talk amongst yourselves. Hmm... topic - arches.

Scavenger Hunt - HOT

Here's a picture of some chili powder I bought in Taos last year. I bought one marked mild and one marked hot. Let me tell you, the hot is hot. One of the first batches of chili I made with it, well, to me was almost inedible. Had to use sour cream to cool it off... Soooo good though. I'll be sad when I finish it.

Things I need to hear

From a friend of my husband who I wrote to today:

I really appreciate you letting me know - it says a lot about how much you
do care about him, even if it's not in the way that keeps people together.
I just feel terrible for you both. There's no bad guys in divorce - no one
should hate you, so please don't even think that. No one is in your shoes
but you. Things either work out or they don't. You both deserve to lead happy lives.
Best of luck.

Happy Pi Day

Received via email from my geek brother.

Pi, Greek letter (π), is the symbol for the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi = 3.1415926535... Pi Day is celebrated by math enthusiasts around the world on March 14th. www.piday.org

Random sight

Crossing the street on Thursday, there was a car stopped at a red light. Latin music blaring, and an older man at the wheel. He had two of those gourd thingies that you shake, and was shaking along with the music, completely enjoying himself. It made me smile.

The power of gardening

Ah, just spent several hours putting down mulch in the front yard. Looks good. Feels good. Very therapeutic.

Want to know what it's like?

You really don't. At least first hand. To sit across from someone you've been married to for 5.5 years and say, yes, I'm really done. To have the therapist ask about best and worst moments, things we'll miss and not miss, things we've learned and regret. And have to listen and repeat and absorb. And to hear that he thinks he finally understands, and wanting so badly to say, ok, good, then we can move forward, but having for the best of oneself to say it's too fucking late - we both tried our best and I for one cannot try any more. To not sleep, and walk in the early morning as the birds are waking up and realize you are walking alone, and will be for a while.

Seems my purpose in life is to prepare men to be better partners in their next relationships.

Comfort food

Ok, my lunch was just 'healthy' macaroni and cheese and a chocolate milk. And I feel very satisfied. Yum. Gotta create the moments.

Amber Alert Text Notification

About a month ago I found out about Wireless Amber Alerts, I forget how. And then a week ago I heard an ad on the radio about it, so thought I would pass along to you. I haven't yet done it so I can't give my first hand experience, but it sounds like a good idea. From the website:

The wireless industry has officially partnered with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) to distribute AMBER Alerts to wireless consumers who opt in to receive geographically specified messages on their wireless devices through an AMBER Alert wireless messaging system.

ALLTEL Mobile, Cingular Wireless, Dobson Communications, First Cellular of Southern Illinois, Nextel Communications, Rural Cellular Corporation, Sprint, U.S. Cellular, Verizon Wireless and Western Wireless will offer Wireless AMBER Alerts to their subscribers at launch. Other wireless carriers will join shortly. Syniverse Technologies has donated the necessary equipment, development and operation of the Wireless AMBER Alerts Initiative to The Wireless Foundation.

Subscribers capable of receiving text messages, and whose wireless provider is participating in the Wireless AMBER Alerts Initiative, may opt in to receive alerts by registering at www.wirelessamberalerts.org and designating up to five ZIP Codes from which they’d like to be alerted in the case of an AMBER Alert activation.

The return - continued

But I'm supposed to be writing about my holiday. The first thing I did was go up to the Tengenenge sculpture farm/community to try my hand at sculpting. I arrived on Wednesday afternoon, set up my tent, and started sculpting. Tengenenge is an amazing place where resident artists and weekend artists sculpt their hearts away, the exhibition hall being the space between the trees and the homes. Many of Zimbabwe's great sculptors started there, and one well, known sculptor, Bernard Matamera, still lives there. He was the person who helped me out, finding me tools, giving me a water container, showing me how to use the tools, and talking to me, making me comfortable. In the time I was there he mainly sat in the shade, watching people walk around, or talking to whoever came by, but I guess he does some work sometimes because he has some pretty sizable sculptures around, and has commissions for a few more. The area where Tengenenge is situated is pretty out of the way, nestled right below some of the hills/mountains of the Great Dyke. There is running water, but no electricity. People create their own entertainment.

One night I was invited to dance with others in the moonlight to the sounds of the mbira, an instrument made from prongs of metal bolted to a wooden board, usually played inside a gourd (I'm not sure if I've described it accurately enough, but I hope people in the US get the idea). That was a special time, but the best came Sunday evening. I ate with Tom, the manager of Tengenenge, and his guest inside his rondaval by candlelight. As were were eating, the mbira player (I forget his name) came and played music for us. Gradually people followed the music to the rondaval and walked inside, sitting down along the wall patiently waiting for us to finish so the fun could begin. We moved the table against the wall and the dancing began. Everyone had a good time dancing and clapping and cheering others on. When I danced (after gathering up my courage) some chanted America, A-mer-i-ca, and when Tom's guest danced (just like a chicken) people gathered around her to watch. One high spirited man danced with me alone in front of all the people and we went wild jumping all over the place.

[Note from 2008: Since I was writing this for a general audience, I did not include my experience during the horrible massive thunderstorm that took place when I was there. I had set my tent under a tree, which I now know is a less than ideal place. Lightning strikes were happening all around. I was alone in the tent, and terrified. And what does one do in a highly combustible structure during a thunderstorm? Smoke! I don't smoke, but I did that night, and wrote in my journal about my fear of dying. Don't ask me where I got the cigarettes, but I had 'em and I smoked 'em. Obviously, I survived.]

Received via email

Dream

OK, had a dream last night. Actually many dreams, but this one stood out. Let me first say that sleeping pills suck. I took one Sat. night, and all day Sunday I had a sleeping pill hangover - felt tired the whole day. I had no dreams Sat. night. I really don't like the quality of sleep you get, so I'm going to try and do without them. I've always known I don't have an addictive personality, and here's another example.

Anyway, I was driving my car on ice and snow down a hill by a policeman (ok, how much worse can it get??), and my brakes were not working very well. I was shoving my foot (actually, both feet) onto the pedal and almost through the floor. I was slowing down, but not stopping. Thankfully when I had to turn right onto a road there was no car coming, but by then I had started using the emergency brake along with the regular brakes. But as soon as I turned right I had to turn left, and again, with use of the emergency brake and some luck and good driving (despite the car fishtailing and almost doing a 180) I believe I managed to turn left.

And then the dream ended.

Scavenger Hunt - Chemistry

Hi - no access to camera this weekend, but I was reminded of this wonderful chemistry phenomenon. You need:
{but in the liter bottles - can't easily find a photo of a liter bottle) AND









And you get this:

The return

Again with the cleaning out the house, I found a letter I wrote to blast out to friends and family after returning from Zimbabwe. These will be my 'cheater' posts for a little while. Hopefully you will find it entertaining. -------------------------

Now that the holiday rush is over, I can sit down and write about my final vacation. I must say first that the best thing I ever did was come home for Christmas because being with my family (most of it) and the accompanying hectic and noise and fun and general bullshit has made the transition easier. (I forgot to mention the welcome by my parents at the airport, carrying a winter coat for me, bless their hearts, to protect me from -15 degree weather, and the welcome by my brothers and sister and brother in law at home with balloons and Batman party favors and the Welcome Home NoRegrets sign up with the word 'again' written on it). People have written to me and said to me that the transition must be so difficult, but I'm finding it OK.

I thank heaven for good transportation after the mess in Bulawayo, catch myself spelling words in the British way, am amazed at the selection of foods to be found in the supermarket (though with the cold weather all over the country I wish I were in Zimbabwe where you can get fresh vegetables cheap) and find that my perspective on this world over here has definitely been altered by my time in Zimbabwe. When a TV special was trying to be dramatic and say how much the Romanians have to endure by mentioning that their room/houses were lit by a single bulb, all I could think was that a large proportion of the people in Zimbabwe don't have any electricity at all, and I was not duly impressed.

I'm already facing news withdrawal about southern Africa, since the hot items in this country are Eastern Europe and General Noreiga, but it is splendid to read the NY Times. It's nice to be able to inform people of things about southern Africa that they never would have known, and perhaps open their eyes to things about their own country they never would have thought about. So far I've only gotten the question "How was Africa?" a few times seriously (expecting the answer 'good' and that's it). People have been open to hearing about the experience, which is comforting to me. Hopefully I'll be able to descend on my friend's 3rd grade class and open their eyes.

Other things which struck me began at the airport - the incredible variety of people here in the states - all different faces, all different accents, but all American. It was wonderful to go collect my luggage and hear the workers there speaking in thick New York accents, and one of them ask me if I really did hike the Canyon (it was on my t-shirt). I was laughing and smiling all the way through customs (because I got through with no problem for one reason). Even now it's amazing to me, since I have dared to enter that hall of American culture - the mall - where one finds all sorts of people (including frizzed-out make-upped teenagers) and have dared to buy a mini-skirt (after feeling too self-conscious to wear anything but skirts below my knees and pants for a year, I need a change). It's wonderful to be able to make a phone call without waiting 30 minutes for a line, and then getting a bad connection. The comforts in America are nice.

Image for today

As I put stuff into my car this morning I heard a bird song. I looked up, and there was a cardinal at the top of a large bush sitting in the early early morning sun, singing. I just stood there and watched him for a while. I had never associated that song with cardinals, so I wanted to listen a while. Plus, it was beautiful seeing him in the morning light. A nice moment of peace.

Dream

So, I was with a group of people in a house. It started raining quite a bit and the water rose and started approaching the house, but coming in waves. At first the waves weren't that powerful, but then they started getting stronger. The house was on a hill, so the waves would wash down the hill. I realized I wanted to take a photo/video of what was happening because it was so interesting. But rather than go through the side of the house that didn't have water, I elected to climb up two sets of stairs to the other door. There was a lull in the waves, so I thought I was ok. But started climbing the first set and saw a huge wave coming to crash down on me, so I held on tight, and made it through. Didn't even lose my hat. The sets of stairs were staggered, so I ran to the next set just before the next (smaller) wave came, and made it through that. But of course by the time I got the camera, things had calmed down.

It was nice to sleep for 10 hours - staying with a friend who has a sleep disorder so I got some drugs. I knew I couldn't keep from blogging... :-) Hope everyone is doing well, but I'll have to go read everyone's posts.

Imagery

Ok, here's the image I had on my head on Friday going to work.

Imagine you are standing on a diving board. Behind you is a bunch of fire ants (or whatever type of ant it is that eats people) that had already taken a bunch of flesh off of you. In front of you is a swimming pool that's been filled in with concrete.

If you go back down the ladder you get what you have become used to, but it means a lot of pain and perhaps death. If you jump off the diving board you are certainly going to get hurt but you just might survive.

What would you do? Note that you cannot develop superpowers and fly and you don't have a helicopter pilot as a friend and nothing will stop the ants except if you jump onto the concrete and ....

So, I jumped. Wish me luck.

I have a meeting Monday and Tuesday so will not be blogging. I may need to go into a cave for a week or so, we'll see. I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that when you are trying to be true to yourself it's impossible to not hurt someone else. Hopefully I won't forget myself. DBN, I'm not at home, but really no need to call.

Scavenger Hunt - Family

This week's word was family. Which of course usually means living human beings. But I thought I would introduce my stuffed family, which I've been meaning to do for a while. From left to right we have Overdub (or Dub), Wolfgang (Wolfie), Carol the Carrot, Bruno [the big bear], NarKoala, Harry, and so sad to say I forget the name of the other bear.

Oh my, to tell the story of them all. OK, here we go:
Overdub, Bruno, and the monkey I all got at a yard sale when I lived in the Los Angeles area. My boyfriend and I at the time developed personalities for them all. Overdub (my boyfriend worked for A&M records in the record library and was a musician himself) was the smart one who would play tricks. He had a very expressive face and could say a lot of things by scrunching this way and that.
Bruno was the big dumb bear who had a personality disorder. So say something to him, he'd punch you out. He'd look at his fist and hit himself in the face.
Harry is the monkey, and he would do very exciting interesting acrobatic tricks.
NarKoala was both narcoleptic and a weed smoker (get it?) so he'd be smoking, and fall asleep, so we made sure he didn't smoke in bed.
Carol the Carrot was from my childhood - I'll share the story I wrote about her from grammar school.
Wolfgang was given to me just before I left for Germany to live there for a year. He was rather aloof and wouldn't jump into the games that Dub, Bruno and Harry would play.
The last one, so sad, but I remember nothing about it! I may thus have to get rid of him.
But that's my family. Overdub stayed with my boyfriend when I left to move back east. He was sent to me in a box with airholes when my father died to comfort me. I sent him back in a box with airholes to my ex when he developed Creuzfeld-Jacobs disease and was dying himself. But then I got custody when he died.