This weekend I'm headed to a party 2-3 hours away. It's people who I knew in high school that I haven't been in touch with since I joined Facebook. I'd write more, but I think I'll just let you know how it goes.
What's really on my mind is my behavior and work. It sucks to be in an episode where you feel like you want to stab yourself in the leg, over and over. And you are beyond touchy with your boss so she doesn't even want to talk to you - waits for you to leave your office to leave notes on a chair, doesn't say goodbye when leaving for a 4 day weekend. After I went kinda nuts on Wednesday I kept my door mostly shut so I wouldn't interact with her/other people. But the problem is there's always email. And you can be touchy in email.
So, any good relationship I may have reestablished is gone. Shit, no wonder I didn't stay married - maybe I never can be. It has always been my boss too though. Dammit. And I'm searching for information on how to deal with the issues in a workplace. I mean, I told them about my diagnosis but it's still a pain in the ass to deal with someone like me - shit, I wouldn't want to interact with me after some of the things I wrote. I can see myself saying/writing things that are unbelievable, but I don't/can't stop. So, what do I do? I don't know. Take a day off? I don't think so. It seems right now that I just have to live with the impacts of the behavior. And that sucks.
I was posting some of the half obnoxious thoughts I had on twitter, and thankfully a savior showed me that I hadn't made my account private so the whole world could search my name and find what I had written because twitter and facebook pay to have their websites show up in the first 5 results. I fixed that this morning.
I can't form coherent thoughts right now. So, maybe I'll just go to bed.
Next day: Well, I figure I should tell also what other impact it has. Road rage. Driving back last night from an unsuccessful attempt to buy a tv (I won't get into that) I just felt like shit. I should have talked to my friend who brought me to Costco, but sometimes I just can't explain what's going on and/or I just don't feel like someone will understand. But obviously I should have, since I passed some guy in a SUV and he gets all pissed off that I passed him so goes up behind me and flashes his lights. Well, I slammed on my brakes hard (stupid thing #1) and then took off. Of course, he's pissed and starts trailing me from another lane. I try to forget and move over to prepare to exit, and he's following me, so I slow way down to 55 (that'll tell you how fast I was going) and then when he's behind me, further down. Before the exit there's another exit so he tries to intimidate me by moving over into my lane while I"m still in it. At that point I didn't give a shit so I sped up to see whether he would move into my lane, and then was in front of him because he chickened out and slammed on my brakes again. He exited, and then I had my exit. I half expected him to do an illegal move to get to me on the secondary road. After that I was shaking, and a part of me just looked at myself like what an idiot you are, but the other part just didn't give a shit.
I think I'll take the bus today.
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9 comments:
what are coherent thoughts?
i sometimes wonder if j feels the same way about his cycles. he won't talk about it, the most he's ever said is 'i know i'm an asshole sometimes but there's nothing i can do about it.' gee, thanks j. try at least seeing your (no cost to you) shrink once in a while and taking the meds s/he prescribes ~as~ prescribed and ~then~ say there's nothing you can do about it.
just remember, you're ahead of the game. you ~know~ there's a problem and you have been working with professionals to try to manage it. that in and of itself tells me that you're a damn good person. just because you happened to get a brain with some faulty wiring doesn't mean you don't have a good heart.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm sorry that you are feeling crappy right now, so am I.
I just put up a new post at SMS Mental Health about online support groups for people with Bipolar.
I find that talking to others with similar problems really helps.
Heather, I don't know. something that will find an answer that I can deal with. I guess maybe part of this has to do with me missing a therapy appointment because she was out of town. Maybe it does help keep me even keel. And having a good heart doesn't help when you act like a bitch.
Callista, thanks... I will check it out. I was searching yesterday after work to find something to help. Problem is, I need something that is bipolar 2 - but I'll look at them.
I don't know if this will help, but when I'm PMS'ing and I can tell I'm hard to deal with, I try to give people a head's up. I'll say to my girls, "I'm cranky right now, so if I snap at you, don't take it personally." And it makes things so much easier for all of us. Because they don't feel like I hate them.
I remember having similar experiences driving on the beltway back in the day. Road rage is a bitch. I hate the feeling of losing my shit (and exacerbating an already dangerous situation) just because I'm having a lousy day.
Email is a very dangerous method of communication; it's too too easy for everything to come out all wrong, and then there's a written record of it coming out all wrong.
Heather's right; you're way ahead of the game because you're aware of your issues. Take a deep breath. Think about ice cream, or kittens, or Elmo. Or kittens licking ice cream off of Elmo. Whatever calms you down! :)
Churlita, it just gets to be too late for that sometimes. Like if I said every time I thought it would be happening, it might not be the case because maybe I'm just in a bitchy mood vs. having some sort of 'episode' so I'm not comfortable with that.
Squirrel, yeah, well, I know (re email). OK, ice cream. I'll think that next time.
Probably a good thing you didn't have a gun with you in the car!
So sorry to hear about all the stress, sending you good thoughts, hope you are able to get back on track. Life is a bitch sometimes, just need to tread water in the difficult times.
I'm glad you managed to get home without getting hurt on the road.
The manager I worked with for a good 5, 6 years would leave stuff on my chair when I wasn't there - drove me crazy. But there were times when I didn't want to deal with him, and was glad when he wasn't in the office so I could leave stuff on his chair.
yeah, I know I need to tread...lightly.
Tara, see, it's both good and bad. As are many things. ;-)
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