So, my glorious friggin new year started with a brunch at a friend's house. I was the first one there because I felt so pathetic the night before. My friend M showed up early too and we got the tour of the constantly-being-updated-since-they-just-moved-in place.
Standing in the kitchen when the next person appears - my ex. It was stunning. Not in the 'oh I'm so in love with him' way but rather the 'hey, I haven't seen him over the holidays because he's now my ex and here he is and I didn't really miss him but I sort of did' way. I of course recuperated and gave him a hug and happy new year. And gave him the present my nieces had made for him - his animal was more recognizable - a chick.
It was so odd. Hearing about his family and his holidays, and not having participated. And he brought back stuff for almost everyone (including me) - cherries and cheese, the staples of Wisconsin. He had actually asked people if they wanted stuff - something he never would have thought to do. He also had driven back New Year's Eve, then went to a party downtown until 3 am - something he almost certainly would never have done before.
The party that I didn't go to because I was not invited to it even though it's one of those people for whom you can go when you get a secondary or tertiary invitation, because I figured there was a statement there in the lack of invitation. And I gave him his space.
Oh, but the emotions! Other friends, mainly the married with children ones, started arriving and I wanted to run out the door crying. But I figured that would be poor form, so I sucked it up and tried to hang in. And so I did, until I saw my ex bouncing a baby on his knee, and just couldn't take it any more. I left and cried all the way home, kinda like the little piggy.
There's a party this weekend. And my friend had purposely not invited him to give me a break - she didn't even know about the New Year's Eve incident. And when I saw the invite I was grateful. But then he received a secondary invitation, and asked my friend if it was ok if he went, and she's going to say no? No, of course not. So, he'll be there.
All of this is life. I'm adult about it one minute and a child the next, and I know that's natural. I was so worried about him, and he's doing fine and of course from the outside looks like he's doing even better than me. Yes, you don't know. And I don't. And if I bring it up, I would hear the truth, and it just should not be my concern. But it is a little bit.
I do think I will say to him that I purposely did not go to the New Year's party to give him a break.
And I will ask him whether it's really a good idea if we go on a ski trip together, which we had planned to do, odd though it would be. It might be time to truly cut the cord for a bit. I'm bad at that, despite the pain it brings to maintain contact. Relationships are always hard work and it's so hard to give them up.
Crap, I just realized I didn't address the title of the post. What begins is the dispersion of friends. Some are mine. Some are his. The twain shall meet sometimes, but shouldn't all the time. And that's hard to deal with too.