Monday, January 5, 2009

And so it begins

So, my glorious friggin new year started with a brunch at a friend's house. I was the first one there because I felt so pathetic the night before. My friend M showed up early too and we got the tour of the constantly-being-updated-since-they-just-moved-in place.

Standing in the kitchen when the next person appears - my ex. It was stunning. Not in the 'oh I'm so in love with him' way but rather the 'hey, I haven't seen him over the holidays because he's now my ex and here he is and I didn't really miss him but I sort of did' way. I of course recuperated and gave him a hug and happy new year. And gave him the present my nieces had made for him - his animal was more recognizable - a chick.

It was so odd. Hearing about his family and his holidays, and not having participated. And he brought back stuff for almost everyone (including me) - cherries and cheese, the staples of Wisconsin. He had actually asked people if they wanted stuff - something he never would have thought to do. He also had driven back New Year's Eve, then went to a party downtown until 3 am - something he almost certainly would never have done before.

The party that I didn't go to because I was not invited to it even though it's one of those people for whom you can go when you get a secondary or tertiary invitation, because I figured there was a statement there in the lack of invitation. And I gave him his space.

Oh, but the emotions! Other friends, mainly the married with children ones, started arriving and I wanted to run out the door crying. But I figured that would be poor form, so I sucked it up and tried to hang in. And so I did, until I saw my ex bouncing a baby on his knee, and just couldn't take it any more. I left and cried all the way home, kinda like the little piggy.

There's a party this weekend. And my friend had purposely not invited him to give me a break - she didn't even know about the New Year's Eve incident. And when I saw the invite I was grateful. But then he received a secondary invitation, and asked my friend if it was ok if he went, and she's going to say no? No, of course not. So, he'll be there.

All of this is life. I'm adult about it one minute and a child the next, and I know that's natural. I was so worried about him, and he's doing fine and of course from the outside looks like he's doing even better than me. Yes, you don't know. And I don't. And if I bring it up, I would hear the truth, and it just should not be my concern. But it is a little bit.

I do think I will say to him that I purposely did not go to the New Year's party to give him a break.

And I will ask him whether it's really a good idea if we go on a ski trip together, which we had planned to do, odd though it would be. It might be time to truly cut the cord for a bit. I'm bad at that, despite the pain it brings to maintain contact. Relationships are always hard work and it's so hard to give them up.

Crap, I just realized I didn't address the title of the post. What begins is the dispersion of friends. Some are mine. Some are his. The twain shall meet sometimes, but shouldn't all the time. And that's hard to deal with too.


Susan said...

You seem to be a bit hard on yourself about this so I'm going to first tell you to give yourself a break.

Second, (hugs), 'cause i definitely know you need them.

EsLocura said...

I'm going with Susan on this one, you are too hard on yourself. (that Susan is so smart) His, mine, ours, yeah, so goes life. Sucks but it could be worse, don't ask me how cuz, ya know my life isn't a bowl of cherries but we are still here, and we will both muddle through, emerging stronger more fabulous women in the end!

Not Fainthearted said...

I'll jump in and say it will continue to be weird for a while. Soon, people will start asking you about what/how he's doing and you'll be like "I don't know. We don't really talk about that anymore BECAUSE WE ARE DIVORCED"

The splitting of the friends is the hardest part. With kids, the courts, social workers, every body is there to help you sort it out. With the friends, it's a free-for-all with the added fun that they have a say in it. I think I grieved the loss of some of those friendships longer than I did the 20 year marriage.

But maybe that's just me....

Hang in there. It does get easier.

Pamela said...

Susan, I sound hard on myself? What, me??
Thanks for the unspecial hugs. ;-)

Es-yeah, I could have fallen down the stairs.

Not - you know, noone is asking me about him. Interesting. At least not to date.

laura b. said...

Sounds like a difficult situation.
Although it was sad and awful at the time, I am now almost glad my ex and I didn't really have friends in common.

Mel said...

Frankly, I think you handled it all very well. But it is what it is and I gotta believe as painful as it might be at this given moment--good will come from it all.
It's just being able to hang on to that when you're in the midst of the storm that's the tough job. But truly......methinks you did well, grasshopper..

Go to the party. Take your pigdogcow with's way cute, btw.

Squirrel said...

Take deep breaths, NoR. You're doing fine. You're not running away from your emotions, and I know that must take heroic courage at times.

I like Mel's idea - take the cute pigdogcow to the party, and have a good time!

Churlita said...

There is definitely a while where I don't speak to my exes much. But usually, when we're both over it, we reestablish a friendship. But I definitely need a few months not seeing them to get there.

DBN said...

Emotionally shallow people get over break ups and divorce a lot quicker than those of you with emotional depth. Chances are he is doing just peachy. Don't accommodate your social life for his sake,; just for yours.

NoRegrets said...

Laura, or I might be making it difficult?

Mel, maybe I'll put my pigdogcow in my hair...

Squirrel... oh, I so want to run.

Churlita, yeah, I know. I just am too aware of the process.

DBN - OUCH! oof. I feel the pain for him. ;-) But lol.