Just got off the phone with my ex. He agreed with me that it's likely not a good idea to go on a ski trip together. Dammit, I hate when people agree with me. Of course it's the right thing, but the right thing often sucks. Some of our best times were skiing, because he grew up with it and it was his life, and I embraced skiing so quickly and forcefully, and we could share. He was still better than me, but I was and am pretty damn good.
I told him I was giving him space, and he said it is indeed a confusing time.
It's just so fucking sad. And it sucks to divorce someone who's reasonable and a good man. I wish he were perfect for me. Or even halfway perfect. I wish my life were a mathematical formula and there was a right answer and I'd win the $1mil prize. I don't wish to see the future, I just wish I knew it would be good. But I guess that's all a matter of attitude.
At a party last night that a friend held and had originally not invited my ex, I sat back and looked at this group of people, and felt I needed a new group. Having been shy, I'm so proud to have an extended set of friends that I maintain contact with, though it be superficial for the most part. But I need to make some changes, though I'm not quite sure what changes. And maybe in the end I don't need to make changes - and I just accept the new reality whatever that is, but that reality is still evolving and being defined. And it's ok to feel alone, just not all the time, because I do have a core set of really good friends, and that's a great basis for a good life.
My guitar is weeping ever so not gently.
"I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps"