As I sit here and my fever returns and I get set to return to my bed, I need to get something off my chest.
I feel like Sybill - if that's how you spell her name. The woman with multiple personalities. There's a part of me that really wants to retreat from the world. That feels like she should start over and create literally a whole new life for herself here. Give up the friends that exist. Climb different evenings. Don't reach out any more. Let them all go.
And another part that finds that silly, but doesn't know what's best. Wants to find the rules of the game so she can play it right, but there are no rules. Feels what she feels and doesn't know what to do with it. Like the friend who helped her through leaving the husband but who now is her husband's climbing partner for the most part and doesn't speak to me - do I let that go passively? actively? let it be a surface relationship? reach out again? What do I do with the feelings of jealously? Or of disappointment when other close friends invite my ex and another friend over for dinner but not me? Have I created animosity or difficulties? Do I care? Should I care?
Is my irritation today because of sickness? Because of medication/disease? Because I am being childish? Because I haven't exercised in a week? How do I figure out what's what?
I tell myself one minute it's ok to be alone. And another minute that it's not.
I'm ok with all the chaos and emotions one minute. And another minute not.
I'm willing to work to reach out one minute. And another minute not.
I don't like this particular roller coaster. And dammit, I don't want to hear it that it's in my power to get off of it. I hate having the power if I don't have the energy. I hate reading a blog of someone who's dying and thinking I need to/have to/should learn a lesson and listen to it when I don't want to or again, don't feel I have the energy. And I can choose not to. Am I choosing misery or am I just confused? I don't know.
One thing at least right now which I'm very proud of - I'm not even thinking about suicide. It's more thoughts about how radical of a change in life I want/need. Of what changes I have control over and which not. It's confusion and not desolation.
I hear my bed calling me.