Thursday, January 22, 2009


As I sit here and my fever returns and I get set to return to my bed, I need to get something off my chest.

I feel like Sybill - if that's how you spell her name. The woman with multiple personalities. There's a part of me that really wants to retreat from the world. That feels like she should start over and create literally a whole new life for herself here. Give up the friends that exist. Climb different evenings. Don't reach out any more. Let them all go.

And another part that finds that silly, but doesn't know what's best. Wants to find the rules of the game so she can play it right, but there are no rules. Feels what she feels and doesn't know what to do with it. Like the friend who helped her through leaving the husband but who now is her husband's climbing partner for the most part and doesn't speak to me - do I let that go passively? actively? let it be a surface relationship? reach out again? What do I do with the feelings of jealously? Or of disappointment when other close friends invite my ex and another friend over for dinner but not me? Have I created animosity or difficulties? Do I care? Should I care?

Is my irritation today because of sickness? Because of medication/disease? Because I am being childish? Because I haven't exercised in a week? How do I figure out what's what?

I tell myself one minute it's ok to be alone. And another minute that it's not.
I'm ok with all the chaos and emotions one minute. And another minute not.
I'm willing to work to reach out one minute. And another minute not.

I don't like this particular roller coaster. And dammit, I don't want to hear it that it's in my power to get off of it. I hate having the power if I don't have the energy. I hate reading a blog of someone who's dying and thinking I need to/have to/should learn a lesson and listen to it when I don't want to or again, don't feel I have the energy. And I can choose not to. Am I choosing misery or am I just confused? I don't know.

One thing at least right now which I'm very proud of - I'm not even thinking about suicide. It's more thoughts about how radical of a change in life I want/need. Of what changes I have control over and which not. It's confusion and not desolation.

I hear my bed calling me.


laura b. said...

I think that there are no get to write them yourself! Your friends probably don't know how to act either. Reflect on how you wish they'd handle things between you and your ex and then just tell them! Take charge! You can do it, NoRegrets!

Okay, sorry, I know that isn't helpful...I never know the rules either....

Churlita said...

I think Laura's right. Make your own rules and invite the people you care about to do things. These are confusing times for you. It will get better.

Mel said...

Is someone telling you that there's a right way and a wrong way?
Or is that one of you saying it?
Cuz last time I checked we all grieve in our own way, in our own time.
I'm hoping it's semi-normal (whateverthatis) to dance back and forth and up and back when that's the swing of the emotions that are following the circumstances.
I rather like the word 'muddled' cuz it describes that confused state with pressure we sometimes place on ourselves to be where we're not.

I can't say that I LIKE muddled, but I find myself there at times. Best thing I can do for me is to just BE where I am at any/that given moment, remember that 'this too shall pass' and let myself be okay with absolutely NO expectations as to when that'll be.
I just know it will.....and trust that good will come from it even if I can't see it at that given moment in time.

Certainly don't do it perfectly nor do I strive to. Muddled is 'okay'.....and so are you, yaknow?

*sending peacefilled thoughts*

*kicks the soapbox*

<-- CAN be a bit wordy, dontchaknow!

NoRegrets said...

There has to be rules somewhere! And I don't want to dictate what they do...

Churlita, thanks.

Mel, it's funny, and I think you for reminding me that it's a grieving process still. I sometimes forget and I feel I should be over it all. But that doesn't happen so quickly. And just 'being' sometimes is very very difficult for me. But thank you.

k_sra said...

NoRegrets, 1) write a lot of crap that you will one day burn in relief in a firepit in the back yard. 2) Spend an afternoon of your life at a daycare, nursing home, soup kitchen, dog pound caring for someone else. Giving helps stop the navel-gazing. 3) Hit up a kind person to come have tea with you. I mean it; abuse the nice person for an afternoon. Not the "fun" person or the "cool" person, just the nice, kind, caring person. If you don't know one, attend church and find one. You deserve to be in need right now and that's perfectly fine and acceptable and in fact very healthy. 4) Throw a Valentine Party and invite other single women. (I recommend Olive Garden as a nice venue). Have everyone bring a small gift or chocoloate or funny valentine poem. Commiserate together and laugh at the situation. 5) Hang in there and accept all hugs (except maybe from your ex, those are probably poison) 6) Keep us posted and smile A LOT! : )

p.s. I'm pretty sure you don't want to be like Sybill, but if it helps, do something nice for yourself that you wish someone else would do for you and say to yourself, "I am going to take care of you now. I am going to be your best friend." Hokey, but it helps.