A pretty flower from my yard

I had never seen daylillies like this before. I love them.

Reunion

So, Saturday I went to meet up with some people I hadn't seen in at least 20 years. Friends from high school. Before going, I was a bit anxious. It's kinda like going home to your parents - you start acting the way you were when you were younger. Well, back in high school I was pretty shy. I had more than 2 friends by 10th grade, but it was still an odd thing. I was a misfit.

Thing is, there were a bunch of other misfits too that kinda all found each other. By end of 10th / 11th grade there were enough people to have a group. We were very fond of saying that we weren't 'clique'y (well, in a traditional way!). In fact, someone within the group coined the term for us - claque. There was a core group who all lived on the same street near the junior high school, and then the outliers like me, who kinda even in a misfit group was hesitant to be part of the group all the way.

Well, a few people got together on Sat and I decided to join. I was anxious, but I eventually told myself that it would be like meeting new people, because really they were new. I mean, 20 years had gone by.

But in the end it was so relaxed. I was still kind of a misfit, being the only one not married and childless, but it was great spending time with them. And hearing about other people we all knew. I mean, who woulda thought that C would become an opera singer in Germany?? Seriously, he is. And W is a sommalier. And one of the guys who was there is my age and just starting his residency for becoming a medical doctor. He loves it. And another brought cheese that he had made himself.

It was great. And the best thing that came out of it, driving home I was thinking to myself that I really can do anything I want to. I can dream, and make that dream come true. I'd lost that attitude over the years due to all the chaos in my life, but I'm stable enough(ish) now that I can start dreaming again. Or at least percolating.

Like, I'd love to go live in New Zealand for a year or two. Realistically, some things would have to happen for me to do that (stabilize medication, find a way to have health insurance there, my mom die - which is horrible but realistic - I don't want to be overseas when she dies, etc.) but it's something that could come true. And that's all I've come up with so far. But it's something. I have some time.

And I reconnected with some really truly good people, and hope to continue to be in touch. Thanks Facebook!

Saturday Hunt - Function

Something tells me this lock is not fulfilling its function.


And we have a musical selection today.

2 completely separate topics

This weekend I'm headed to a party 2-3 hours away. It's people who I knew in high school that I haven't been in touch with since I joined Facebook. I'd write more, but I think I'll just let you know how it goes.

What's really on my mind is my behavior and work. It sucks to be in an episode where you feel like you want to stab yourself in the leg, over and over. And you are beyond touchy with your boss so she doesn't even want to talk to you - waits for you to leave your office to leave notes on a chair, doesn't say goodbye when leaving for a 4 day weekend. After I went kinda nuts on Wednesday I kept my door mostly shut so I wouldn't interact with her/other people. But the problem is there's always email. And you can be touchy in email.

So, any good relationship I may have reestablished is gone. Shit, no wonder I didn't stay married - maybe I never can be. It has always been my boss too though. Dammit. And I'm searching for information on how to deal with the issues in a workplace. I mean, I told them about my diagnosis but it's still a pain in the ass to deal with someone like me - shit, I wouldn't want to interact with me after some of the things I wrote. I can see myself saying/writing things that are unbelievable, but I don't/can't stop. So, what do I do? I don't know. Take a day off? I don't think so. It seems right now that I just have to live with the impacts of the behavior. And that sucks.

I was posting some of the half obnoxious thoughts I had on twitter, and thankfully a savior showed me that I hadn't made my account private so the whole world could search my name and find what I had written because twitter and facebook pay to have their websites show up in the first 5 results. I fixed that this morning.

I can't form coherent thoughts right now. So, maybe I'll just go to bed.

Next day: Well, I figure I should tell also what other impact it has. Road rage. Driving back last night from an unsuccessful attempt to buy a tv (I won't get into that) I just felt like shit. I should have talked to my friend who brought me to Costco, but sometimes I just can't explain what's going on and/or I just don't feel like someone will understand. But obviously I should have, since I passed some guy in a SUV and he gets all pissed off that I passed him so goes up behind me and flashes his lights. Well, I slammed on my brakes hard (stupid thing #1) and then took off. Of course, he's pissed and starts trailing me from another lane. I try to forget and move over to prepare to exit, and he's following me, so I slow way down to 55 (that'll tell you how fast I was going) and then when he's behind me, further down. Before the exit there's another exit so he tries to intimidate me by moving over into my lane while I"m still in it. At that point I didn't give a shit so I sped up to see whether he would move into my lane, and then was in front of him because he chickened out and slammed on my brakes again. He exited, and then I had my exit. I half expected him to do an illegal move to get to me on the secondary road. After that I was shaking, and a part of me just looked at myself like what an idiot you are, but the other part just didn't give a shit.

I think I'll take the bus today.

OMG!

I would have died laughing if I saw this while climbing! A friend just sent this to me. Not sure of the original ownership.

Life, the universe, and divorce

While I think the life I've worked towards is what it is, for better and for worse, it's still hard sometimes to get the question: why did you get divorced? Did you do everything you could do?

I mean, for this particular person I couldn't just say shut the hell up, in part because there was a need to figure out his own marriage and he just needed someone to listen (shit, what is it with me and front door guys?). He's a good guy, and pretty blunt, and not after me at all - this I know for sure - as opposed to other door guy. And the other other door guy who I've stopped speaking to who wouldn't stop making suggestive comments despite me telling him not to.

In any event.

Time goes by, and while I don't like being alone, I like it more than being married to my ex. I guess that says it all. But to try and explain my years of trying to make it work, our inability to come to common ground, the feeling of being alone when with him, my giving up of myself, my struggle with depression and apparently bipolar disorder and the impacts of those on a relationship.... well, it's just hard to do. I spend time with my ex and it's easier, but still not easy.

I do know I had my part in it all not working. My impatience, know it all attitude, etc. didn't help. But I did the best I could at the time. And I like him more and more that I spend time with him, but can't imagine being married to him. I guess that says something too.

An example of when it's your time, it's your time

My trainer was of course talking about the metro accident in DC this morning. He told me the story of some woman who was supposed to be on the Air France flight and missed the plane by seconds. Whew. Lucky. But then driving home from the airport, she was killed in a car accident. Can't avoid fate?

My trusty steed

This is how I get to work most days. The bags on either side are big, but they help protect me from cars. And half the time people flag me down asking for a piece of pizza.

Why I have friends

To remind me of the stupid things I do.

Eating dinner at a friend's house Saturday, M relates the story of how on a climbing trip I decided that I would eat the yoghurt that had been sitting all day in a hot car. And the lid was bulging out. And, not suprisingly, I got very very ill.

I have no memory of it at all.

Pushin' the envelope

What a busy weekend. I say that all the time.

Saturday I worked around the house until I could work no more. Got the ceiling in the guest room fixed, the ceilings in the guest room and sewing room painted (one coat). Went to the locksmith to see if I can work out the locks in my house (currently I have only one method of entry though 3 doors). I have to go back next weekend for the expert, and in the meantime I forgot my camera there so had to drive there and back again (15 min drive one way). Found mold in my basement closet -tore that out. Finished off the pass through between the kitchen and the dining room (with finishing off meaning putting up the drywall - still have to slop it). Found other mold in my basement, but had run out of steam and saved that for another day. Went over a friend's for dinner.

Sunday I went climbing with my ex and a mutual friend who has become more of my ex's friend. I was a little weirded out on the drive out, but expressed my weirded out-ness to my ex at a pit stop and that solved it. I realized I have to start being happy for him and stop feeling jealous. In any event, we spent the day outside in beautiful weather with hardly any people there, given that it was father's day. I climbed like shit, and swore up and down after the first two climbs because it was frustrating, but likely my crazy day the day before didn't help, as well as the fact that my hand is still not healed.

I was going to not bike into work today to give my body a rest, but it's sooooo nice out, I had to. That's what I mean by pushin' the envelope, though you could kinda say that the whole weekend I was pushin' the envelope...

Saturday Hunt - Quixotic

Climber Smurf is the penultimate embodiment of the word quixotic today. So happy thinking about climbing the brick wall. But 1) he has no partner and 2) it's raining. Poor Smurfie.

A close up so you can see his face:


Further away so you can see what he faces:


I pick 3GirlKnight for next week's word.

Snot funny

If God didn't mean for you to eat your boogers, then why did he make them so damn tasty?

I'm sorry, it still makes me laugh. I thought of it last night while going to sleep. I don't quite have the balls to put it either as a FB or twitter update, but I can let it all hang out here.

I have much more to say but had some unexpected things take my time this morning, so must go do some work after being here already for 1.5 hours.

White Suit

I was in the elevator with my nasty stinky bike clothes on, leaving work, and a woman in a white suit entered. As we went down, I asked her how she manages to wear a white suit. She said she stays very still. Definitely not for me.

Vizio redeems itself

Scott (a manager) from Vizio called me today and explained everything that happened. And I am willing to give them another chance. While I was not offered a super duper amazing deal to ‘make up’ for issues encountered (like a $100 50” tv – ha!), I was at least offered a somewhat similar (not bad at all) tv to replace what I had been supposed to buy.

The issue: it seems that only recently has Vizio started selling directly from their website. Thus, there was miscommunication within the company regarding units available to be shipped to retailers versus units to be sold from the website.

You might say, well, that doesn’t explain the customer service. And I said that. He noted that they are implementing changes (and had planned on it before my experience) which will quickly address any internal inventory issues and ensure better communication with customers. He also noted that my other issues had been noted and would be addressed.

I asked him about the rest of the service – eg. technical assistance. And as he is the manager of that department, he noted that callers tend to be happy with the technical service. He listens in on calls and makes sure that the service is good.

Scott was glad that I was giving the company a chance to earn my trust. He offered me his direct phone number in the event of another issue arising, but quite honestly, I think all will be ok. I hope so for sure! Or else I’ll be calling him…

Red Sky at Night

Here's a photo in the evening of one of the many many days we had thunderstorms.



Um, I didn't stop taking the medication even though my doctor told me to. But the rash was getting better yesterday and is better today, so I don't think I'm risking my life. Yeah, I'd never make it in the armed forces. Disobeying authority left and right.

My letter to Vizio

Well, I was all excited to buy a Vizio tv because I had heard that they were an 'up and coming' company (not only as stated on your website and on your phone) and had good products.

To a certain extent, I can understand how in an imperfect world you could list a tv for sale but have it not be available. But it is incredible to me that you would:
1) not respond to an email request asking that I change the shipping address (before I knew my order would not be processed)
2) not respond to a phone message I left over the weekend, despite the fact that your message system says that a return call can be expected within 24 hours. If you mean business hours (ie three days) you should say so
3) not even send an EMAIL to let me know that my order cannot be processed, never mind a phone call
4) sound cavalier on the phone when *I* call *you* to find out what's happening with my order - 'oh, the sales team made a mistake. they'll be calling you'.

I am letting everyone I know (family, friends) through facebook, blogs, twitter, etc. about the experience I had. This is not how you build an 'up and coming' company. Best of luck doing that with horrible customer service.

Pamela

Is breaking a string of bad luck

just a question of changing your attitude?

Can't decide

What I'm more scared of:
- having the rash continue and get worse
- doing what my doctor told me and stopping the medication

I don't have patience.
The rash could be anything.
Stopping medication and having the rash go away wouldn't necessarily mean it was the medication.
I'm stable and have been for a while.
I don't want to become unstable again and ruin my relationships.
I don't have patience to start this all over again. It's taken me 7-8 months to get here.
I have to learn patience.
I don't want to.
Give me patience or give me death? Har.

Time to go clear my head.

My little freak out

I now have rash spots on both my arms.
Ate nothing unusual yesterday.
Lamictal can cause deadly rashes.
Called my psychiatrist and we'll see what happens.
ACK!
Oh, btw, DBN has my login information so if anything ever happened to me, she would let you all know.

From my friend I visited this weekend

My family loved you- said you were so sweet and nice. Great- they probably want me to be gay so I can meet a nice girl like you.

What if you threw a yard sale

And noone came? Or at least almost noone? Well, it's a bit frustrating... I think we were out there for 3 hours before it started raining and maybe 5 cars showed up. It's so odd because I expected droves of people. So much anticipation. A bit of a letdown. But, people liked the free stuff, though even that I didn't get rid of it all. My friend's neighbor's child was there, and though very precocious, may have hindered more than helped. She'd go up to the cars that would stop and greet them and walk them up to the stuff pointing out everything and trying to get them to buy. I should have told her to start crying if they didn't buy anything. Then there was the woman who was excited by the three free pots, and felt guilty about taking them without buying anything. My friend asked her: are you Catholic? yep.

Then the 2 hour drive to my friend's house with the hope of hanging out in the sun - rained the whole time, alas. But her family is great, of course. She asked at one point if I was overwhelmed, and then said, I forget who I'm talking to. I mean with 6 kids in a family (me), get togethers get pretty loud and busy, so I'm very used to it. Her mom and dad and sister were great of course, though I had to ask her mom and my friend to run interference when I wanted to leave, because he didn't think I should drive home that evening.

And then a 4 hour drive home. Most in the rain, alas. Got really sleepy in the last hour, but had my 'I never drink it because I can't but I really do love it" Coke. Last night I had a dream that I was soooo tired and I was trying to get somewhere, and I knew I shouldn't be driving but I couldn't even pull over because I couldn't see where to go. I tried to pry my eyes open, but they wouldn't open. And so I drove for a little bit with my eyes shut - had no idea how I didn't hit anything, and finally ended up on the front lawn of some house, and I think tried to sleep.

Yesterday I got my green toes (lawn mowing) and returned the pool pump to the nice guy who lent it to me. Turns out he lives around the corner from another friend, so I went out there to drop it off. I want to adopt the man! I know he has friends because he said at one point he was meeting friends that night, but still... He seemed to really appreciate the little jar of homemade jam I brought him, and offered to help if I ever needed it again, and just seemed kinda shy/sad. I guess maybe he seemed a little like my dad would seem if my mom had died first. But I gotta let it go...alas.

I ended up also climbing with my ex, which for reasons not related to him, was a pain in the ass. Part of it was I was torn: I really just wanted to be at home, but it was too nice a day to 'waste'. But it was good, though time consuming.

Oh, work? what's that? um, bye...

Saturday Hunt - Play

First up - Remember I tried to learn how to play the fiddle? This is it! I do not know how to play. Maybe I'll pick it up again...


No play and no work makes Billy a sleepy boy.

The Day. The Weekend. The Excitement.

Went and got my eyes checked so I could buy more contacts. That's the excitement of my day. Maybe I'll actually use them as monthly replacements rather than be cheap and use them for 2-3 months.

This weekend

Fri/Sat: driving 2.5 hours (if I'm lucky) to help a friend with a yard sale, then driving 2 hours to her sister's house to finally meet her family after knowing her for 8 years (yes, getting serious here), then driving 3 hours home that evening.

Sun: hopefully sleeping late if Billy lets me, and then whatever the hell I want to do, which likely will involve bug killing in my garden since they are eating my veggies and flowers, as well as some ceiling painting.

Reading New Yorker magazine

I happened to pick up May 11, 2009 copy of the New Yorker. I keep finding articles that are really good. I may have to start reading it regularly!

In any event, two interesting article quotes:

From The Art Doctor: How do you restore works mad ewith latex, caviar, or elephant dung? (quote p. 60-61)
Scheidemann remembers receiving a call from a collector who had bought a Rachel Harrison sculpture made of gray packing blankets wrapped around a central core. The collector's assistants, apparently thinking that the packing blankets were actually packing blankets, had dismembered the piece. With the help of Harrison, Scheidemann reconstructed the work, and sent it off to a company to ship back to the owner. He subsequently received a phone call: someone had undone the sculpture a second time. Scheidemann and Harrison recomposed it once more, and this time, using thread and glue, fixed the blankets in place for good.

From Brain Games: The Marco Polo of neuroscience. (quote p. 82)
In his office in Mandler Hall, Ramachandran positioned a twenty-inch-by-twenty-inch drugstore mirror upright, and perpendicular to the man's body, and told him to place his intact right arm on one side of the mirror and his stump on the other. he told the man to arrange the mirror so that the reflection created the illusion that his intact arm was the continuation of the amputated one. Then Ramachandran asked the man to move his right and left arms simultaneously, in synchronous motions--like a conductor--while keeping his eyes on the reflection of his intact arm. "Oh, my God!" the man began to should. "Oh, my God, Doctor, this is unbelievable." For the first time in ten years, the patient could feel his phantom limb "moving" and the cramping pain was instantly relieved. ["the first example of a successful 'amputation' of a phantom limb"]

The first quote to me exemplifies the somewhat ridiculousness of modern art. I like modern art, don't get me wrong. But it's a crazy world.

The second quote is just part of a tremendously fascinating article about the nature of the brain and its abilities. Though, also, kinda scary as much of what we consider ourselves to be as 'higher beings' is potentially explained 'simply' by how the physical brain is wired. Even consciousness/self awareness. I could type out a whole big long quote again, but maybe you should just find the article.

Here's the Remy Martin ad

Torture Me Elmo

Bamboo slivers included.
Waterboard sold separately.

A note from retired and living on a pension mom

It's good to see the sun out there. It even turned out warm.
A beautiful day to enjoy.
Hope things are better for you and your problems.
If you need some money, please let me know and I
will send you a check. You have had a tough week.
Love and hugs, Mom

What I learned on my lunch mini walk

If I drink Remy Martin a Black woman will try to eat my gold necklace, so I should have my taser ready. On second thought, maybe it only happens to blondes, so I might be safe.

Morning tweeters

Ha, how appropriate for a Tuesday.

A massive thunderstorm came through this morning about 6:15 AM. I woke up as it was approaching and closed the windows as the onslaught began. Most of it went through, and a bird though it was over. Right outside my window I hear two cheerful long tweets. But the storm wasn't done yet, so then he was quiet again until it completely passed. And then he started again. My morning music.

I've just been bitch-slapped

By my very good friend. Yeah, bitch, it sucks but that's life. Move on.

Sigh. I know.

At least y'all aren't exposed to me twittering my bitterness.

Did you know they are trying to make bitterness a certified mental illness?
Article 1 explaining it.
Article 2 commenting on it.
Pretty interesting. I have to research more to figure out what I think. My initial reaction is that it'd be great for pharmaceutical companies, who could be pushing such a thing. I just think of all the poor kids who are diagnosed with ADD and put on ritalin. That's not to say there is no use for it at all, but when things are over-prescribed, well, that's a problem.

Saturday Hunt - Sign

The following is a sign that you have too much water in your basement.

Dark squishy patches when you walk.

Sorry I freaked out on the blog the other day! It was way too overwhelming. But my brother came yesterday and helped me rip out the carpet most of the way. So now I have very little in my basement and I think it's pretty dry by now. Last night my friend made me dinner and driving home at 8 pm I was ready to drop. So I did. I slept for 11 hours. Amazing. And I managed to avoid getting a migraine, which is incredible. I did wake up at 2 am thinking I would get a migraine, but I took ibuprofin and had some warm milk and went back to sleep.

There was a neighborhood mini meeting Sat am. Seems the houses on my side of the street were built on a creek bed. And they fixed the main sewer pipes about a year ago by putting a liner in, and noone had problems before they did that. But now two neighbors over have a sump pump that pumps every 4 minutes, which it shouldn't need to. My neighbor and I both got water up through our basement floors. So, I have to call the county and report what happened and the neighborhood may get together to get something to happen. What I don't know.

The kindness of strangers also saved my sanity on Friday. The plumber who came 1) only charged me for 1.5 hours of labor despite all that he tried, and 2) went back to his home and brought me his own personal pool pump to keep the water out of the drain area by my back door until I get it fixed. Very very nice guy. Sorry Susan, but older man. He told me the story of why he has a pool, and his wife dying etc. Poor guy.

Anyways, now I get estimates on drain recreation and sump pumps. Woo hoo!

Pearls Before Swine

This gave me a much needed laugh yesterday morning (I get the comics a day early). It's now on my fridge.

A funny thing from today

As I was talking to someone on the phone and looking out the front door, I watched two birds digging in my bushes for stuff. One pulls out a piece of plastic, and then leaves it on the steps, as if to say, clean up your shit lady.

I'm so tired

I'm so tired and I can't stop moving. I don't know what to do. I'm completely overwhelmed. The water doesn't stop and I"ve never dealt with this before. I have to get a pump for the outside, temporarily, because the drain wouldn't open. All day I"ve been carrying buckets of water to make sure it doesn't come in. But there's still water in my basement. And I think it's only one area but I'm not sure. And I have so much shit in my basement - it's been the storage area while I do construction. So I have to move it all. And it's wet I think under some of the carpet that isn't completely soaked and so does that mean I should pull it all up? And how soon do I have to do this? My meltdown has arrived.

An excellent exercise regimen

Here's one you could try: walk up and down a set of stairs holding buckets of water. Lift water and dump into driveway. Repeat over and over and over and over.

I pre-wrote my 'I'm going to California' post last night. Silly me. Not going. I am now waiting for the plumber. The rain is not stopping. The carpet is wet. The floor is wet. Ah well...

Here's a photo of the pool I have now:
This is after several rounds of water dumping. It's probably back up to the stoop since I've been away from it for 5 minutes.

OK, back to the exercise regimen. And gotta buy a shop vac to get the water out of the carpet. Will it ever stop raining???

Karma?

So, my basement flooded. And it likely will flood again because I can't get the drain cover off, can't get a snake through, or anything else I tried. And I am NOT paying for a 10 PM visit from a plumber. I will call immediately in the AM though and see if I can get someone out here. To do what? I don't know.

I usually like the sound of the rain, but not tonight.

So, I sat here earlier this evening trying to get help from friends, and realized it may have been karma. I never called back the plumber/electrician guy to explain to him that I wasn't going to date. So, in an attempt to fix karma, and also because I've been thinking about it and wondering if I should still do it despite the fact that it's been two weeks since I talked to him, I called and left a message - kinda long and awkward, but hey, it was the truth.

Karma was not appeased. Oh well. I pay the price. But not the price of a night call from a plumber that might not be able to do anything. Sigh.

Beauty and the Beast

Last night was one of those amazing weather nights. Cold front moving in. I managed to bike home in the window between the severe weather. Whew! But driving to the gym, it poured, I saw amazing lightning bolts, the sun came out and I saw a rainbow, and to top it all off, at the very end just as I was turning into the gym, I was looking at a rainbow and a lightning bolt went down through it. I heard in the news later there were Lucky Charms all over the place.

Later after the gym, I sat on my front steps and watched the fireflies dancing around, while in the background the sky lit up repeatedly with bright bright lightning followed by big boomers.

That was the beauty. Such things and some emotions are inspiring me to try and write poetry again. I'll share some if I ever write anything worthwhile. I'm starting with haikus since they have a nice structure and are short, and I'm good at succinctness (despite what you might think with these longer posts).

Then the beast. It POURED. And such an amount of rain would have overwhelmed any gutter system, but mine might need special consideration. In any event, that wonderful drain I talked about the other day stopped draining. I opened my back door and the water was lapping at the door. Freaking out a bit, I used my foot and then a coat hanger to try and open the drain. Finally, duh, I realized I should at least bail out the area. So up and down the stairs I went in the rain with my recycled cat litter pail - dumping it down the driveway to go into the street. I looked this morning and it was back up, so went through the same procedure. Something's gotta be done obviously.

In any event, an eventful evening.

made me smile

The other night driving home from the climbing gym, there was a big tractor trailer truck in the left lane of two, and he was trying to get over to the right. I slowed down to let him over. Turns out he turned where I did, but after that I was able to pass quickly enough to get to the red light first (silly me). There was a guy at the light holding a sign asking for assistance. I didn't have anything handy, but I did see the trucker behind me give the man something.

Brian Andreas

There is nothing more I ask, she said,
than this moment, exactly so
& she looked at me & my heart danced
& forever suddenly seemed too short a time


Brian Andreas writes and illustrates Story People. Beautiful stuff.

Lunch

Had to go buy lunch today. Walking around in a food court I hear in a distinctly Jewish woman's voice. "Yeah, that is the ultimate solution." I was distracted and caught by irony (?) until I realized the original phrase was "the final solution".

Quote for the day

Turned my calendar and there was this quote:

Heroes are not giant statues framed against a red sky. They are people who say, "This is my community and it's my responsibility to make it better." Tom McCall

Have a great day.