So, I had a whole bunch of freak outs on Saturday due to the anticipation of the party my ex is holding on Sunday. I got the email Saturday AM and cried. I went to help my friend B and my ex was there helping, and when he left, I cried. I cried alone when I got home. I cried when my ex called me after I sent an email to him just asking how something went, since I felt bad for almost completely ignoring him at my friend's house. I cried when he completely understood and articulated why I might not want to go to the party. I cried when I talked to my friend P afterwards. My face hurt I cried so much - it woke me up at 1:30 am and my bp was up - and I was so freaked out I almost brought myself to the hospital.
And I just realized on Sunday how much letting go I still have to do. So what the hell am I doing online dating? It's fine if you meet up with someone that has absolutely no potential, like Mr. Gay Spectrum guy. But I met up with someone else last week who was actually a nice guy. We got along. I could see doing other stuff with him. But really likely not getting into a serious relationship with him. And knowing me I would get into a relationship with him because I didn't want to say go away because he's a nice guy. Of course my friends joked with me that I should date him for just 6 months, since he's a plumber and electrician. But given my freak out Saturday, and also my psychiatrist's comment that I should take time to spend with girlfriends right now, and my own gut feeling that yes, I need to be alone, I think it all points to, dammit, be by yourself for a while. Scary as it is. Learn to live the life you're developing right now. Get healthy.
So, I'm trying to let go of freaking out. Life will wash over me and I'll go the direction I feel is good. If it isn't good, I'll change course. Me, myself, and I, with a little help from my friends.