Monday, December 15, 2008

Everyone's got to face down the demons

One story I did not tell about J-tree was my night of crying. I went to bed early Thanksgiving night, because I was exhausted, because I felt like I was getting sick, and because I just felt like crap emotionally. So, I laid there at the foot of M's bed and cried for about 20 minutes. I had just been hit by alone-ness. I was hit by how I couldn't keep depending on the 'husbands' in my life to help me with my house - I felt like I hit some kind of milestone where the statue of limitations on moving/getting divorced and getting extra help from people expired. And felt very alone, and scared. So I cried and cried. And when I did go to sleep it made me snore. Oops!

And driving to visit my friends Saturday who are sort of extended family at this point given how long I lived with them, I was hit again. I missed them, I missed the rest of the friends who aren't where I live, I felt very alone. I cried again. Just a little this time though, because, well, I was on my way to visit them! How sad could I feel? And didn't want to wallow.

And I thought about my blogging and about facebook, and what kind of role they play in my life. It's kind of funny, because I'm much more real on this blog than I am in facebook, even though that exposes my name and contact information. Because facebook is all about being quippy, and upbeat, and throwing random thoughts out. But blogging, at least for me, is part therapeutic. It's what I'm feeling and experiencing, which helps to validate those emotions and kind of my life. But facebook validates my existence - connects me with "real" people in my life. I've gone kinda psycho in both mediums (oops, media?) at times because I so want connections, but I need to find the happy medium (har, did that on purpose). Facebook does feel like high school Churlita - I worry about what I write, what I do. This blog, well, you have a choice to come here or not. You have a choice to comment or not. Facebook throws it out there to people who might not want that particular thing - I guess they can choose to be friends with me or not, but I wonder how many times someone un-friends someone in facebook.

I was much more eloquent thinking about this during my drive and during other times. I guess I just realized it's only been 2 months to the day that my divorce was finalized, and I still have some processing to do. And more learning on how to live a different life. And being happy in that life and not searching always to fill a void through other people. I need to fill the void with myself.

16 comments:

craig andrew said...

It is my philosophy that blogging is step in the process of manifestation, and my experience with Facebook is that it is another step... if we want it to be.

The process, as I have experienced it, began with writing to myself all those crazy ideas in a journal that no one else reads, then went to blogging those crazy ideas anonymously and sharing them with strangers. It takes a little while to find out that the strangers aren't running away from the crazy ideas, but once I became comfortable with that I started sharing my blog with people I know... but am not in regular touch with, which is what Facebook is for. And , as I am becoming more comfortable taking responsibility for my craziness (my true self) the more my craziness manifests into the world around me. The secret, for me, is to keep pushing my self to take the next step - that when I become comfortable at one level I need to push on into the next.

I hope this makes sense... have fun. (and you should be able to find my Facebook profile with my email address... if you are interested. If not, that is OK too.) C:)

Squirrel said...

Facebook... ugh. Not a big fan. I'm on it, but I'm never on it. You're quite right about having to be quippy on facebook. I think the thing that works about blogging is that it's more like journaling, less an act for an audience and more a medium for self reflection. So I agree with you there.

Someone I knew in high school and haven't seen since just friended me in facebook. I accepted the request. Wonder what he'll say when he roots through my pics and sees me in a prom dress last summer...

Churlita said...

Too bad you can't rush the process, huh? You just have to let it take you where you're going and experience the highs and lows.

FAcebook is so bizarre to me. Mostly in a good way. I'm actually going to blog about a Facebook experience tomorrow. So, I guess I'll combine the two into one candy bar.

Pamela said...

Craig, very very interesting. I agree with you. I think.

Squirrel, I think I need to ask you to be my friend just so I can see that dress.

Churlita, yeah, dammit. And me being impatient.

Nate said...

You're not alone. You've got great friends. And there's there no limitations on asking your friends for help.

Squirrel said...

Go for it! :)

Pamela said...

Thanks Nate. I know. Maybe I'm just too proud, and don't want to be seen as taking advantage.

squirrel - done.

laura b. said...

I was supposed to throw something back to you here, so consider it done. Seriously though, I totally, totally get what you're feeling.

heather said...

not into facebook. did myspace for about a month at brat's insistence.
g/nate's right, if you need help, ask. if you can help, offer. that's all part and parcel of friendship.

Mel said...

Sounds to me like you've awakened to that part of grief where you get to the meat and potatoes of it all.......and it simply time you let yourself off the hook you've kept yourself on.

Really, it's okay to feel everything you feel. Scary stuff, grieving and moving on.
But you're doing it--bit by bit.....

Dunno about Facebook versus weblogs.....apparently I don't wanna know?

*hugs*

Tara said...

Blogging is the new journal - get it out, if you want to post your authentic emotions, than do it. Facebook....I have weird feelings about that site. I get furious with it and yet I'm still addicted. But it's true, you can express yourself more through a blog than through shiny, happy, networky Facebook.

NoRegrets said...

Laura, I was waiting for you! :-)

Heather, I know... I'm just a much better giver than receiver.

Mel, it's becoming less traumatic over time...

Tara, why do you get furious?

Susan said...

Why, mom, whatever do you mean facebook isn't real?

I'm here though here is far away and if you need me I'll be there. Though that annoying randomness on the blog translates to real life, sadly.

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

I also have Facebook, but rarely am around it for very long.. I don't feel the need to be quippy.. I will contact the people I do want to talk to.. but blogging is the way to go if you really need that privacy....

franki said...

To me Facebook is very, very surface. Yes, people post real pictures and names, but there is really no room for creativity. I use it mostly to get my ass kicked in Wordscraper.

Much of what I write on my blog has it's roots in something real, but since my aim is to be funny, I will exaggerate, or just plain ol' make it up if I feel the story needs it. My old blog was used against me in court when my ex-hole was trying to gain custody of our children. Seems he and his new wife did not like my satirical wonderings of whether he wore a zipper mask and ball gag (his pusillanimous-ness knows no bounds since he's re-married). The court wouldn't even look at it. I went anonymous after that.

Oh and Facebook has offered a couple unpleasant surprises, including a few exes finding me. Didn't like that a bit.

Hang in there with the loneliness. I think I would often feel the same except for my roommate and long time friend. As two single moms, we decided to buy a house together. The support is priceless.

NoRegrets said...

Ha Susan! You were such an easy birth...
Thanks... I have some painting to do... (ha)

Mrs. - I still have to learn the quippiness. I do more snippets.

Franki - that sounds like a great solution - buying a house together. A wonderful concept. Now I have to go find Wordscraper... Luckily for me I'm on good terms with most of my ex's.