One story I did not tell about J-tree was my night of crying. I went to bed early Thanksgiving night, because I was exhausted, because I felt like I was getting sick, and because I just felt like crap emotionally. So, I laid there at the foot of M's bed and cried for about 20 minutes. I had just been hit by alone-ness. I was hit by how I couldn't keep depending on the 'husbands' in my life to help me with my house - I felt like I hit some kind of milestone where the statue of limitations on moving/getting divorced and getting extra help from people expired. And felt very alone, and scared. So I cried and cried. And when I did go to sleep it made me snore. Oops!
And driving to visit my friends Saturday who are sort of extended family at this point given how long I lived with them, I was hit again. I missed them, I missed the rest of the friends who aren't where I live, I felt very alone. I cried again. Just a little this time though, because, well, I was on my way to visit them! How sad could I feel? And didn't want to wallow.
And I thought about my blogging and about facebook, and what kind of role they play in my life. It's kind of funny, because I'm much more real on this blog than I am in facebook, even though that exposes my name and contact information. Because facebook is all about being quippy, and upbeat, and throwing random thoughts out. But blogging, at least for me, is part therapeutic. It's what I'm feeling and experiencing, which helps to validate those emotions and kind of my life. But facebook validates my existence - connects me with "real" people in my life. I've gone kinda psycho in both mediums (oops, media?) at times because I so want connections, but I need to find the happy medium (har, did that on purpose). Facebook does feel like high school Churlita - I worry about what I write, what I do. This blog, well, you have a choice to come here or not. You have a choice to comment or not. Facebook throws it out there to people who might not want that particular thing - I guess they can choose to be friends with me or not, but I wonder how many times someone un-friends someone in facebook.
I was much more eloquent thinking about this during my drive and during other times. I guess I just realized it's only been 2 months to the day that my divorce was finalized, and I still have some processing to do. And more learning on how to live a different life. And being happy in that life and not searching always to fill a void through other people. I need to fill the void with myself.