Friday, December 19, 2008

Internal/external chaos

It's clear that my medication needs to be increased. The event with my ex was just the beginning. Yesterday I should have kept my door shut all day and not spoken to anyone, but I had windows of being ok, so I thought I could pretend to be normal. Yet the stress of hearing one of my 'bosses' break down on a conference call, the stress of seeing the vultures circling in the office figuring out where to put everyone in smaller spaces, the stress of being told I'm not doing my timesheets right because I HAVE to balance 50% between two projects made me have a blowout with my boss. Drag down knock out fight - verbal that is. The things that came out of my mouth. And we were doing so well in getting along. Last night my ex was at the gym and came over to say hi/get water when I was sitting putting my shoes on, and I told him he wasn't the only one I had a blow out with. And starting crying, because you can't take what you say back. And he encouraged me to try.

So last night I sent my apologies and this morning we had a talk. She's shocked/amazed by how blunt and open I am, but I can't not explain what's going on. I have to have at least a couple people in my life understand that if I could control this I would. I'm trying the best I can. It took me years and years when I was younger to figure out what triggered migraines. I've only been dealing with this diagnosis and the reality for 6 months or so - the bipolar 2 thing. And it's real. It's not a figment of my imagination. I am not a bad person. I can't always control it. And that SUCKS. So I have to clean up my messes.

Anyway, I decided since it's raining I would not bike so I had to drive some. And I played a very appropriate song, which made me feel better. So, sharing it with you.

Embedding was disabled by request, and I want to share her video, so please click here. Alicia Keys, Superwoman.

8 comments:

EsLocura said...

hugs and besos for tomorrow is another day, and what else can we do but be ... be who we are, the good, the bad and the ugly. Those that love us love us unconditionally, at least they are suppose too : )

NoRegrets said...

well, today is really another day, since all this happened yesterday. ;-)

Yes, but I've always tried to be better that who I am - taken me a long time to accept who I am.

craig andrew said...

Forgive my inquisitiveness, but a while ago you talked about how the gap between feeling your feelings and acting on your feelings was getting narrower and how you liked that. Isn't this a little part of that, except with the negative energy. I mean, we all have angels and demons within us... if the angels come out easier, so too would the demons. No? I'm just being an idiot...

I hope the day goes well. C:)

Pamela said...

Craig, I am guessing you dont have and have never had a mental illness? There's a difference between recognizing emotions and dealing with them, and having emotions take over you and dealing with them. At least to me...

laura b. said...

It seems that as long as you are aware, and make others aware, of what is making you more emotional...well, you are doing better than a lot of people.
I admire your ability to face your illness and its effects honestly and bravely.

Not Fainthearted said...

{{hugs}}

Churlita said...

You seem really brave to me. I can't imagine what it's like to deal with what you have to deal with everyday. i thought hormones were bad enough, Good for you for being blunt and honest.

Pamela said...

Well, thanks Laura. I'm trying. It's odd, because I don't consider it half the time to be emotions - it's more like Tourette's - like I'm spewing shit. Craig, does that make more sense?

Thanks Not (and not, thank snot)

Churlita -meh, not brave. Just dealing. and it's not every day. sometimes also it's positive - happy happy joy joy so to speak.