Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Saturday Hunt: Rambunctious
I went strawberry picking today, and I'll tell more stories about that, but one thing I like to do when I go strawberry picking is have a hedonistic feast - strawberry shortcake and chocolate strawberries all at once. My friend who just had her ankle replaced really needs company so I did it at her place. Four of us eating tons of cake and whipped cream and chocolate and strawberries. Let's just say, when the sugar high hit, we were all very rambunctious.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Grab Bag 2
- I found out yesterday that there's a really cool set up so ground water doesn't flood my basement. I saw that there's two inconspicuous holes near the drain outside my basement door that water is seeping up and through, and it goes directly into the drain. We've had so much rain, I'd be in deep water if I didn't have that. Whew.
- The trouble with pulling out clothes at home and bringing them somewhere is that sometimes you make mistakes. Yucky combination today, but I think I fixed it with clothes I have at work.
- Facebook has been crazy for me lately. Random stranger who knows two people I know liked a comment I made and wanted to be my friend. OK. Friend of this random stranger saw my last name and asked if I had relatives on the east coast. She used to surf with some people in NJ - I still have to figure out if it's a cousin of mine. Old college acquaintance saw my name on someone I'm closer to, who doesn't really use FB all that much, wrote to me and became my friend. Hope he's not looking to hook up, because just not interested. A FB friend of a guy I used to work with asked to be my friend because I apparently used to work with him in the first job I ever had here. I don't remember him AT ALL - and had to write to the one person I know from that job to ask who the hell he is. He even remembered that I got 'let go' from there.
Oh, yes, I got fired. I worked for a real asshole, and put up for it way too long. And there were many other assholes at that place. My at-work demeanor thus was not good. They also said I couldn't write worth a damn. It was ultimately a good thing they let me go, since I was approaching the job like I had every relationship: keep trying and trying to make it work, even if it's clear it's just not a good fit, and ultimately bad for my mental and physical health. But it still sucked to be let go.
- The trouble with pulling out clothes at home and bringing them somewhere is that sometimes you make mistakes. Yucky combination today, but I think I fixed it with clothes I have at work.
- Facebook has been crazy for me lately. Random stranger who knows two people I know liked a comment I made and wanted to be my friend. OK. Friend of this random stranger saw my last name and asked if I had relatives on the east coast. She used to surf with some people in NJ - I still have to figure out if it's a cousin of mine. Old college acquaintance saw my name on someone I'm closer to, who doesn't really use FB all that much, wrote to me and became my friend. Hope he's not looking to hook up, because just not interested. A FB friend of a guy I used to work with asked to be my friend because I apparently used to work with him in the first job I ever had here. I don't remember him AT ALL - and had to write to the one person I know from that job to ask who the hell he is. He even remembered that I got 'let go' from there.
Oh, yes, I got fired. I worked for a real asshole, and put up for it way too long. And there were many other assholes at that place. My at-work demeanor thus was not good. They also said I couldn't write worth a damn. It was ultimately a good thing they let me go, since I was approaching the job like I had every relationship: keep trying and trying to make it work, even if it's clear it's just not a good fit, and ultimately bad for my mental and physical health. But it still sucked to be let go.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Astro Mike twittering
Thanks to someone's suggestion, I started following Astro Mike on twitter. This is the best tweet!
"Getting re-adjusted to gravity, let go of a small bag of groceries and must have expected it to float, luckily no damage."
Shit, it's hard enough getting readjusted when you've lived overseas. Can't imagine getting readjusted after living in zero gravity!
"Getting re-adjusted to gravity, let go of a small bag of groceries and must have expected it to float, luckily no damage."
Shit, it's hard enough getting readjusted when you've lived overseas. Can't imagine getting readjusted after living in zero gravity!
Working from home
Ah, what a joy to sit in my messy office/sewing room with the window open, the birds chirping, and Billy all pissed that I'm not paying enough attention to him. I think Elmo is really enjoying serving as my back rest. His eyes are wide open and he has that special grin.
I'm waiting for the furnace/air conditioning guy. It's just for inspection, but boy do I wish I could bribe him to do something to make one go bad. My home warranty is running out... Yes, I know it's wrong, but it would be oh so right too. OK, not really.
Does anyone want 20 year old Zimbabwean black loose tea? I've tried giving it away locally and I will obviously NEVER use it. I feel bad it's not been used. It's never been opened.
Anyway, off to work.
I'm waiting for the furnace/air conditioning guy. It's just for inspection, but boy do I wish I could bribe him to do something to make one go bad. My home warranty is running out... Yes, I know it's wrong, but it would be oh so right too. OK, not really.
Does anyone want 20 year old Zimbabwean black loose tea? I've tried giving it away locally and I will obviously NEVER use it. I feel bad it's not been used. It's never been opened.
Anyway, off to work.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Photo Day
It's a busy day for me, so not too talkative today and thus a few photos for you. Though, I must mention an ad I saw on the bus this morning. A dentist promoting its tooth fixing services promised 'a lifetime of happiness'. Jeez, that would be great, wouldn't it? Sign me up.
Does anyone know what this plant is?
Seriously, only 24 hours later - the cucumber plant.
I guess he's not mad at me for being away a couple of days.
Does anyone know what this plant is?
Seriously, only 24 hours later - the cucumber plant.
I guess he's not mad at me for being away a couple of days.
Monday, May 25, 2009
God is great. Gear is good. Climbers are crazy.*
Back from the Gunks. Bug bitten, bruised, and very satisfied. Had a really nice weekend - and the weather cooperated amazingly so.
But first, let me say, I never thought I'd meet a squirrel I didn't want to shoot. I did, and got my free beer. Here's proof that we got together:
May the force be with you. Wait, that's not it.... We were both WFMU geeks and wore our t-shirts. It was really interesting to meet someone live in person you only know through blogging. I guess the beer helped. ;-) The girlfriend (very nice) was less fascinated than the family - sister: 'so, you only know each other virtually?' 'what do you write about?' I felt a little like a circus freak, but in a good way.
But, back to the climbing. I climbed with a woman who hasn't climbed much in a while, so we stayed on climbs 5.6 and under, which was good for me, given my hand and my side issues. We did many classics (Shockley's Ceiling, Frog's Head, Horseman among others). I was the guide and the sherpa, and that was perfectly fine with me, since I have been on the other side. Gotta pass on the love.
Here's proof of a good weekend. Nasty knees!
Now, when I say we stayed on 5.6 and under, you must understand that this is the Gunks we're talking about. Which means, that some climbs certainly felt a lot harder. Day 1 I did Shockley's Ceiling, which has a V1 boulder move to get over the ceiling. Great for someone with hand and back issues. I had to hang a couple times, but then I got angry and finally made it up and over. Poor K - I had to almost literally pull her up over the ceiling. She said it wasn't pretty at all. But she made it! And I must say, she's a trooper. The first day, the first climb I put her on, was a 5.6- (Rhodedendron). She took a fall on a nut, didn't get hurt, and went right back up.
What's wrong with this picture?
The answer to that question is that someone left the gear behind. And someone had to hike back up to get it. This was at the top of Shockley's Ceiling, and I was pooped so not as careful as I could/should have been. Thankfully at about 4:00 on Saturday it rained a little, and it gave us an excuse to leave. Both of us were dog tired, and given my issues, it was way better that we stopped.
Speaking of being an idjit, Day two we did Frog's Head. K did the second pitch. As I'm following up I feel hungry. But I didn't stop to eat something at the top before rappelling down. Stupid. So I went first, and stopped at the wrong rap station. K came down and I told her where to stop. So then I proceed to semi-free climb back up to that station (I had the rope like I was on rappel, and I sort of belayed myself back up). I get up to her, and take the rope out of the device before getting myself into the anchor. Stupidest thing imaginable. K noticed and got me to clip in, and it's a huge ledge so as dangerous, but still. Lesson learned yet again - eat when I'm hungry!!!!
Let's see - bugs. I got chigger bites. I got gnat bites. I got what I swear was bed bug bites, but K mentioned that I had sat on the bed for a while while she showered, so something could have transferred to the bed. Which she said the next morning, after she found me sleeping in the bathroom after I went and complained at 4 am in the hotel lobby and got a new pillow and blanket. So, I feel there's enough reasonable doubt that I can't spread the complaint far and wide. K had semi-insisted on being in a hotel so she paid most of it, so another reason I can't complain too much either.
We both got experience backing down off of a climb. Baby is a 5.6 three star with a 6 foot weird off-width about 20 feet up that has no gear. I put her on it. She backed down. I went on, and I knew I had done it before, but got up there, and realized, nope, not today. My friend M just had her ankle replaced on Friday - an ankle destroyed by a rock climbing fall, and I just didn't want to do it. And I'm not as strong as I can be, again given health issues. I feel it was a good decision.
*The country song lyric is: God is great. Beer is good. People are crazy.
Note: I was reminded by Squirrel that I left a few things hanging. 1-my hair cut. It's shoulder length with a lot of layers so it really frames my face. I really like it. And it will grow out well. 2- my blood work. It all came back negative and I have really good cholesterol levels, so my issues were not related to any blood thing. Which was frustrating at the time, but now I'm on bp meds again, and not going to the chiropractor, and since then, knock on wood, no migraines - even after this past weekend! But yes, I have to make it through today.
OK, I might need to work now.
But first, let me say, I never thought I'd meet a squirrel I didn't want to shoot. I did, and got my free beer. Here's proof that we got together:
May the force be with you. Wait, that's not it.... We were both WFMU geeks and wore our t-shirts. It was really interesting to meet someone live in person you only know through blogging. I guess the beer helped. ;-) The girlfriend (very nice) was less fascinated than the family - sister: 'so, you only know each other virtually?' 'what do you write about?' I felt a little like a circus freak, but in a good way.But, back to the climbing. I climbed with a woman who hasn't climbed much in a while, so we stayed on climbs 5.6 and under, which was good for me, given my hand and my side issues. We did many classics (Shockley's Ceiling, Frog's Head, Horseman among others). I was the guide and the sherpa, and that was perfectly fine with me, since I have been on the other side. Gotta pass on the love.
Here's proof of a good weekend. Nasty knees!
Now, when I say we stayed on 5.6 and under, you must understand that this is the Gunks we're talking about. Which means, that some climbs certainly felt a lot harder. Day 1 I did Shockley's Ceiling, which has a V1 boulder move to get over the ceiling. Great for someone with hand and back issues. I had to hang a couple times, but then I got angry and finally made it up and over. Poor K - I had to almost literally pull her up over the ceiling. She said it wasn't pretty at all. But she made it! And I must say, she's a trooper. The first day, the first climb I put her on, was a 5.6- (Rhodedendron). She took a fall on a nut, didn't get hurt, and went right back up.
What's wrong with this picture?
The answer to that question is that someone left the gear behind. And someone had to hike back up to get it. This was at the top of Shockley's Ceiling, and I was pooped so not as careful as I could/should have been. Thankfully at about 4:00 on Saturday it rained a little, and it gave us an excuse to leave. Both of us were dog tired, and given my issues, it was way better that we stopped. Speaking of being an idjit, Day two we did Frog's Head. K did the second pitch. As I'm following up I feel hungry. But I didn't stop to eat something at the top before rappelling down. Stupid. So I went first, and stopped at the wrong rap station. K came down and I told her where to stop. So then I proceed to semi-free climb back up to that station (I had the rope like I was on rappel, and I sort of belayed myself back up). I get up to her, and take the rope out of the device before getting myself into the anchor. Stupidest thing imaginable. K noticed and got me to clip in, and it's a huge ledge so as dangerous, but still. Lesson learned yet again - eat when I'm hungry!!!!
Let's see - bugs. I got chigger bites. I got gnat bites. I got what I swear was bed bug bites, but K mentioned that I had sat on the bed for a while while she showered, so something could have transferred to the bed. Which she said the next morning, after she found me sleeping in the bathroom after I went and complained at 4 am in the hotel lobby and got a new pillow and blanket. So, I feel there's enough reasonable doubt that I can't spread the complaint far and wide. K had semi-insisted on being in a hotel so she paid most of it, so another reason I can't complain too much either.
We both got experience backing down off of a climb. Baby is a 5.6 three star with a 6 foot weird off-width about 20 feet up that has no gear. I put her on it. She backed down. I went on, and I knew I had done it before, but got up there, and realized, nope, not today. My friend M just had her ankle replaced on Friday - an ankle destroyed by a rock climbing fall, and I just didn't want to do it. And I'm not as strong as I can be, again given health issues. I feel it was a good decision.
*The country song lyric is: God is great. Beer is good. People are crazy.
Note: I was reminded by Squirrel that I left a few things hanging. 1-my hair cut. It's shoulder length with a lot of layers so it really frames my face. I really like it. And it will grow out well. 2- my blood work. It all came back negative and I have really good cholesterol levels, so my issues were not related to any blood thing. Which was frustrating at the time, but now I'm on bp meds again, and not going to the chiropractor, and since then, knock on wood, no migraines - even after this past weekend! But yes, I have to make it through today.
OK, I might need to work now.
Saturday Hunt - Grow
Had to again do it literally. You ask me, how does my garden grow? Here you go...
The parsley and basil in the container is doing well!
Who knows, I may actually have a cucumber plant live!
And, already tomatoes coming out!
The parsley and basil in the container is doing well!
Who knows, I may actually have a cucumber plant live!
And, already tomatoes coming out!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Song that was in my head yesterday
Actually, it was the chorus, but other parts of the song apply.
Sometimes it seems I do take care of myself...
Dan Fogelburg - Part of the Plan
I have these moments
All steady and strong
I'm feeling so holy and humble
The next thing I know
I'm all worried and weak
And I feel myself
Starting to crumble.
The meanings get lost
And the teachings get tossed
And you don't know what you're
Going to do next.
You wait for the sun
But it never quite comes
Some kind of message comes
Through to you.
Some kind of message comes through.
And it says to you...
Chorus
Love when you can
Cry when you have to...
Be who you must
That's a part of the plan
Await your arrival
With simple survival
And one day we'll all understand...
I had a woman
Who gave me her soul
But I wasn't ready to
Take it.
Her heart was so fragile
And heavy to hold
And I was afraid I might
Break it.
Your conscience awakes
And you see your mistakes
And you wish someone
Would buy your confessions.
The days miss their mark
And the night gets so dark
And some kind of message
Comes through to you
Some kind of message
Shoots through --
Chorus
There is no eden or
Heavenly gates
That you're gonna make it to
One day
But all of the answers you seek
Can be found
In the dreams that you dream
On the way.
Sometimes it seems I do take care of myself...
Dan Fogelburg - Part of the Plan
I have these moments
All steady and strong
I'm feeling so holy and humble
The next thing I know
I'm all worried and weak
And I feel myself
Starting to crumble.
The meanings get lost
And the teachings get tossed
And you don't know what you're
Going to do next.
You wait for the sun
But it never quite comes
Some kind of message comes
Through to you.
Some kind of message comes through.
And it says to you...
Chorus
Love when you can
Cry when you have to...
Be who you must
That's a part of the plan
Await your arrival
With simple survival
And one day we'll all understand...
I had a woman
Who gave me her soul
But I wasn't ready to
Take it.
Her heart was so fragile
And heavy to hold
And I was afraid I might
Break it.
Your conscience awakes
And you see your mistakes
And you wish someone
Would buy your confessions.
The days miss their mark
And the night gets so dark
And some kind of message
Comes through to you
Some kind of message
Shoots through --
Chorus
There is no eden or
Heavenly gates
That you're gonna make it to
One day
But all of the answers you seek
Can be found
In the dreams that you dream
On the way.
Memorial Day weekend
Off to the Gunks this weekend - yes, I found someone to climb with who is not my ex. And a woman too! What a concept. She's a bit new, so we'll do easier stuff, and I'll make sure she's doing things right. TTBOMA (to the best of my ability). Saw my ex last night and though he's off with someone to another location, he was jealous. Awww... And he said he doesn't have anyone to climb with outside. UGH. I told him we can climb together occasionally, and we can. I just know we shouldn't be 'climbing partners', and I'm sure he knows that too. I actually think I might climb with my ex-boyfriend who was in town recently on 4th of July weekend. Wouldnt' that be odd to climb with two ex's at once?? Ha. Not gonna happen.
This weekend I will also try to remember to thank those who serve(d) our country.
This weekend I will also try to remember to thank those who serve(d) our country.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Star Trek
So, went to see it last night in Imax with my friend P from Philly. We had a great time! And it was really a great movie. Except for towards the end I swear I almost had a seizure with all the flashing lights. And the Imax'ed fast moving scenes made my stomach queasy, but it was all worth it.
AND, I discovered a great thing I can do if I go out on a movie date with anyone I'm attracted to and haven't yet done anything with. P bought popcorn and asked me to hold it for her. And I love to eat popcorn by sticking my face into the bag and picking up the kernels with my tongue, yeah, like a horse or something. BUT, this time I kinda twisted my head a little so I could look her in the eye, said 'see how I like to eat popcorn' in an unintentional flirty way, and stuck my tongue out to get popcorn. Needless to say we were dying laughing for a few minutes.
P is now awake and alive, and must go play hostess, with the mostess of course.
AND, I discovered a great thing I can do if I go out on a movie date with anyone I'm attracted to and haven't yet done anything with. P bought popcorn and asked me to hold it for her. And I love to eat popcorn by sticking my face into the bag and picking up the kernels with my tongue, yeah, like a horse or something. BUT, this time I kinda twisted my head a little so I could look her in the eye, said 'see how I like to eat popcorn' in an unintentional flirty way, and stuck my tongue out to get popcorn. Needless to say we were dying laughing for a few minutes.
P is now awake and alive, and must go play hostess, with the mostess of course.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Ladies
Don't you just sometimes wish you could squeeze your ovary like a pimple and pop the fucking egg out? Jeez, I'm doubled over.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Another example of why I love WFMU
Admission is $5, but if you save your receipt, the admission fee will be refunded to you at the end of your life.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One of my favorite songs
Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you're young at heart
For its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love
is either in your heart or on its way
Don't you know that its worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart
For as rich as you are its much better by far
To be young at heart
And if you should survive to 105
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart
If you're young at heart
For its hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love
is either in your heart or on its way
Don't you know that its worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart
For as rich as you are its much better by far
To be young at heart
And if you should survive to 105
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive
Then here is the best part
You have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart
Weekend movie and trespassing
The most exciting thing I did this weekend was see Wolverine. I thought it was a really good movie, but that might have been because I was drooling over Hugh Jackman half the time. Nah, it was fun anyways. I went with my friend M, who had said he would see anything, and didn't complain, but didn't really like it anyway. It made a difference for a few moments, and it was kind of disappointing to not be able to talk about the good parts afterwards, but oh well, it's given me a button to push on him. "See if I ever go to a mainstream movie with you again." "He didn't really want to go." Actually, I did enough of that on Sunday, and it was mildly amusing, so I'll let it go. Funny thing is, he says he wants to go see Star Trek. Not with me baby! My friend P is coming into town specifically so we can see it together Wednesday, and we'll see it in Imax. Woo hoo!
The other thing I did was just go to a friend's house and watch a wheelchair ramp being built. I wanted to do SOMEthing on Sunday since I wasn't going to the party. Female M is getting an ankle replacement Friday and will need the ramp for a while. She shattered her ankle climbing several years ago, and the first attempt at fixing it did not work. Now she's going to be bionic. Next door to her house they are building a monstrosity of a home, and it has no doors, and all my friends like to see the guts of buildings, so we went in. No drywall up yet. THREE electric boxes. I think 5 bathrooms. HUGE windows in the back overlooking the trees. Spiral staircases. And the perfectly good wood they were throwing away...sigh. But it was interesting.
The other thing I did was just go to a friend's house and watch a wheelchair ramp being built. I wanted to do SOMEthing on Sunday since I wasn't going to the party. Female M is getting an ankle replacement Friday and will need the ramp for a while. She shattered her ankle climbing several years ago, and the first attempt at fixing it did not work. Now she's going to be bionic. Next door to her house they are building a monstrosity of a home, and it has no doors, and all my friends like to see the guts of buildings, so we went in. No drywall up yet. THREE electric boxes. I think 5 bathrooms. HUGE windows in the back overlooking the trees. Spiral staircases. And the perfectly good wood they were throwing away...sigh. But it was interesting.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday Hunt - Fishy
This week I didn't go the esoteric route. Here's a couple of fish-y pictures.
My nieces looking at the fishys off the dock in Maine.
Me showing off the fishy I caught. Note the sunburn - I turn green, not red when I get too much sun.
My nieces looking at the fishys off the dock in Maine.
Me showing off the fishy I caught. Note the sunburn - I turn green, not red when I get too much sun.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Bike to Work Day
First day back on the bike in two weeks. Didn't hurt! And I won something at the pit stop.
Here's info about Bike to Work Day. Think about it for next year.
Bike-to-Work Day is an annual event held on the third Friday of May across the United States and Canada that promotes the bicycle as an option for commuting to work. Leading up to Bike-to-Work Day, national, regional, and local bicycle advocacy groups encourage people to try bicycle commuting as a healthy and safe alternative to driving by providing route information and tips for new bicycle commuters. On Bike-to-Work Day, these groups often organize bicycle-related events, and in some areas, pit stops along bicycle routes with snacks.
Here's info about Bike to Work Day. Think about it for next year.
Bike-to-Work Day is an annual event held on the third Friday of May across the United States and Canada that promotes the bicycle as an option for commuting to work. Leading up to Bike-to-Work Day, national, regional, and local bicycle advocacy groups encourage people to try bicycle commuting as a healthy and safe alternative to driving by providing route information and tips for new bicycle commuters. On Bike-to-Work Day, these groups often organize bicycle-related events, and in some areas, pit stops along bicycle routes with snacks.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Law Firm Names
On the way to work this morning (on the bus for the last time - I start biking again tomorrow) I looked out the window instead of reading. I saw an office, law firm. The name on the door was Paulson, Paulson, Paulson & Paulson. WTF? Amazing. They'd get so much better business if they named it Paulson to the 4th degree [note I have no idea how to format that, but hopefully you understand what I mean].
So, I did a search and the Wall Street Journal has a brief article about funny law firm names. There's a blog post here. Some of the best real ones they found were Low, Ball, & Lynch. And Payne & Fears. Craque & Anutt. (ok made that last one up. was that so obvious?)
So, I did a search and the Wall Street Journal has a brief article about funny law firm names. There's a blog post here. Some of the best real ones they found were Low, Ball, & Lynch. And Payne & Fears. Craque & Anutt. (ok made that last one up. was that so obvious?)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Letting go
So, I had a whole bunch of freak outs on Saturday due to the anticipation of the party my ex is holding on Sunday. I got the email Saturday AM and cried. I went to help my friend B and my ex was there helping, and when he left, I cried. I cried alone when I got home. I cried when my ex called me after I sent an email to him just asking how something went, since I felt bad for almost completely ignoring him at my friend's house. I cried when he completely understood and articulated why I might not want to go to the party. I cried when I talked to my friend P afterwards. My face hurt I cried so much - it woke me up at 1:30 am and my bp was up - and I was so freaked out I almost brought myself to the hospital.
And I just realized on Sunday how much letting go I still have to do. So what the hell am I doing online dating? It's fine if you meet up with someone that has absolutely no potential, like Mr. Gay Spectrum guy. But I met up with someone else last week who was actually a nice guy. We got along. I could see doing other stuff with him. But really likely not getting into a serious relationship with him. And knowing me I would get into a relationship with him because I didn't want to say go away because he's a nice guy. Of course my friends joked with me that I should date him for just 6 months, since he's a plumber and electrician. But given my freak out Saturday, and also my psychiatrist's comment that I should take time to spend with girlfriends right now, and my own gut feeling that yes, I need to be alone, I think it all points to, dammit, be by yourself for a while. Scary as it is. Learn to live the life you're developing right now. Get healthy.
So, I'm trying to let go of freaking out. Life will wash over me and I'll go the direction I feel is good. If it isn't good, I'll change course. Me, myself, and I, with a little help from my friends.
And I just realized on Sunday how much letting go I still have to do. So what the hell am I doing online dating? It's fine if you meet up with someone that has absolutely no potential, like Mr. Gay Spectrum guy. But I met up with someone else last week who was actually a nice guy. We got along. I could see doing other stuff with him. But really likely not getting into a serious relationship with him. And knowing me I would get into a relationship with him because I didn't want to say go away because he's a nice guy. Of course my friends joked with me that I should date him for just 6 months, since he's a plumber and electrician. But given my freak out Saturday, and also my psychiatrist's comment that I should take time to spend with girlfriends right now, and my own gut feeling that yes, I need to be alone, I think it all points to, dammit, be by yourself for a while. Scary as it is. Learn to live the life you're developing right now. Get healthy.
So, I'm trying to let go of freaking out. Life will wash over me and I'll go the direction I feel is good. If it isn't good, I'll change course. Me, myself, and I, with a little help from my friends.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Oh to be poked and prodded
Get your minds out of the gutter. Went to the doctor this am and will get full bloodwork done to figure out what's happening with me (headaches, extreme thirst, etc.). And going back on BP medication. And got the question once again if I'm being beaten by someone, since I have nice bruises on various spots on my body.
On on my arm:
Came in late, so off to work I go.
On on my arm:
Came in late, so off to work I go.
Monday, May 11, 2009
home is where the heart is
Or at least where the sweat is left. This weekend again was home improvement weekend. I do try and not push myself too much since I'm supposed to be resting my body, but of course I still do too much. Here's the list:
- replaced a window blind. Which made a huge difference in that room. Free blind - had to buy new brackets. Have the rest of the upstairs to do.
- mowed the lawn
- treated the lawn with chemicals to kill weeds since it wasn't supposed to rain today, dammit. also felt immediately guilty about treating the lawn since birds immediately jump down and start feeding from the lawn. I will find a more environmentally friendly way next year.
- put up an eagle over my shed door
- painted stanchions for my railing
- extended the handle of a mini-rake for my neighbor that both her son and my friend M (both men) couldn't do, but I just followed the writing on the handle and the arrow and it was nothing. men's brains vs. women's brains.
- spent 1.5 hours at Home Despot buying lots of shit, including a new ceiling fan for my bedroom since my friend B looked at my freecycled one and determined that it really was crap.
- found out that I really have no idea what breaker one new outlet is on and will have to call the electrician who ran the wire to come back (for free, he better do it for free)
- installed a box and outlet in my wall for the microwave
- fixed a contraption that was in the shed which I originally was going to throw away but M realized it's to use on the inside stairs to give a larger platform to stand on when painting, etc. It had a loose leg which required unscrewing stuff and putting longer screws in.
All of this was done with my friend M just sitting around telling me what to do. He's pretty disabled. And every time he'd start to do something I'd yell at him to stop. It is actually great because it makes me learn more. And for those of you who might think that M is interested in me, well, not true! He left me Sunday to go meet up with N - as he said he's exploring... Good for him.
- replaced a window blind. Which made a huge difference in that room. Free blind - had to buy new brackets. Have the rest of the upstairs to do.
- mowed the lawn
- treated the lawn with chemicals to kill weeds since it wasn't supposed to rain today, dammit. also felt immediately guilty about treating the lawn since birds immediately jump down and start feeding from the lawn. I will find a more environmentally friendly way next year.
- put up an eagle over my shed door
- painted stanchions for my railing
- extended the handle of a mini-rake for my neighbor that both her son and my friend M (both men) couldn't do, but I just followed the writing on the handle and the arrow and it was nothing. men's brains vs. women's brains.
- spent 1.5 hours at Home Despot buying lots of shit, including a new ceiling fan for my bedroom since my friend B looked at my freecycled one and determined that it really was crap.
- found out that I really have no idea what breaker one new outlet is on and will have to call the electrician who ran the wire to come back (for free, he better do it for free)
- installed a box and outlet in my wall for the microwave
- fixed a contraption that was in the shed which I originally was going to throw away but M realized it's to use on the inside stairs to give a larger platform to stand on when painting, etc. It had a loose leg which required unscrewing stuff and putting longer screws in.
All of this was done with my friend M just sitting around telling me what to do. He's pretty disabled. And every time he'd start to do something I'd yell at him to stop. It is actually great because it makes me learn more. And for those of you who might think that M is interested in me, well, not true! He left me Sunday to go meet up with N - as he said he's exploring... Good for him.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Saturday Hunt - Chicken
My first ever bird's nest. Do you think it's chicken's roosting there?
My cat obviously thought that this plastic salamander tasted like chicken.
My cat obviously thought that this plastic salamander tasted like chicken.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Teasing
The woman behind the desk was doing something. There were no hand towels on the counter. I asked for a towel. She bent down to get one, and though I said I didn't need it folded, she insisted that she give me a folded one. So I thanked her and then shook it out of the folds in front of her. She laughed. A good thing.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
No one cares like your mom
If you are single, no one cares like your mom.
You make do with what you have - yourself.
Such a simple thing to understand.
Hard to feel unless you really love yourself.
I'm trying to get there. I really am.
I'm trying to be the one that says everything will be ok.
And mean it.
I'm trying to not despair.
I haven't had trauma. I have had drama.
And now that it's subsided, I'm left with me.
Yes, and all the people who love me and do care.
But they are not here.
I am here.
Damn Grey's Anatomy for making me start crying. For pushing the buttons. I had a hell of a day. Sort of. Just the third day in a row of getting a headache. I've learned to not dismiss the experiences I have by comparing them to someone I don't know who has a worse situation. I have to accept what I'm feeling, but not wallow, but the balance shifts one way or the other sometimes. I fought back against my pain issues by not giving myself a break. This week I'm not doing anything - climbing, biking, working out. And I get three headaches in a row. Today I couldn't really even finish my therapy session. By midway through I was sitting on the floor, head in the chair, trying to concentrate to continue the session, when I had been able to walk in with a slightly upset head. I barely made it back to my office, and was on the floor for an hour, expecting it would go away because I had taken drugs, but it didn't. At least I didn't drive myself home or take public transportation. At least when I couldn't find a ride home I took a taxi, and took care of myself. And by 6:30 I was ok. Except mom wasn't here, and I know now better than to call her after 5:00 or so - she's tired and gets confused easily now so early in the day, and I wouldn't want to upset her. So I'm my own mom. Welcome to the single world.
You make do with what you have - yourself.
Such a simple thing to understand.
Hard to feel unless you really love yourself.
I'm trying to get there. I really am.
I'm trying to be the one that says everything will be ok.
And mean it.
I'm trying to not despair.
I haven't had trauma. I have had drama.
And now that it's subsided, I'm left with me.
Yes, and all the people who love me and do care.
But they are not here.
I am here.
Damn Grey's Anatomy for making me start crying. For pushing the buttons. I had a hell of a day. Sort of. Just the third day in a row of getting a headache. I've learned to not dismiss the experiences I have by comparing them to someone I don't know who has a worse situation. I have to accept what I'm feeling, but not wallow, but the balance shifts one way or the other sometimes. I fought back against my pain issues by not giving myself a break. This week I'm not doing anything - climbing, biking, working out. And I get three headaches in a row. Today I couldn't really even finish my therapy session. By midway through I was sitting on the floor, head in the chair, trying to concentrate to continue the session, when I had been able to walk in with a slightly upset head. I barely made it back to my office, and was on the floor for an hour, expecting it would go away because I had taken drugs, but it didn't. At least I didn't drive myself home or take public transportation. At least when I couldn't find a ride home I took a taxi, and took care of myself. And by 6:30 I was ok. Except mom wasn't here, and I know now better than to call her after 5:00 or so - she's tired and gets confused easily now so early in the day, and I wouldn't want to upset her. So I'm my own mom. Welcome to the single world.
Hairstyles
So, I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow. I've had to cancel I think the last three weeks for various reasons, and am wondering if I should cancel tomorrow. My hair is the longest it's been since I think I was a young child - about boob level (though I didn't have boobs when I was a child, you get the idea). Sometimes I think it's developed an identity of its own, and thus I must cut it back to get back to only being me, and other times I like it - frames my face, etc. It desperately needs a trim, but I'm not going to my hairdresser just for a trim - she's waaaay to expensive for that. She's so good, I can go once every six months, or even once a year, and it grows out and it looks good the whole time. She gives me shit for it and likely hates me for it, but I'm only willing to be so nice to myself, again given how expensive she is.
The thing is too, I think I've covered almost every hairstyle that I could possibly have - from extremely short to medium-ish - that would look good on me and I could live with except this really long one. In case you couldn't guess, I don't spend much time on my appearance. I am willing to blow dry my hair a little, but I only know how to do one thing, and that's roll it under. So I do that, and then let it go do whatever it wants. If absolutely necessary I'll put some shit in my hair to try to make it a certain way or whatever, but that's it. I'm not a glamour girl or a mod girl, and I like to look like a girl and not a robot or a boy. Those are my criteria. And I have straight hair and not willing to curl it. Or straighten it even more. And I don't have the pouty face and not willing to inject my lips. And I'm scared of bangs, mostly because they are hard to grow out.
So, given all that, any of these you like?
The thing is too, I think I've covered almost every hairstyle that I could possibly have - from extremely short to medium-ish - that would look good on me and I could live with except this really long one. In case you couldn't guess, I don't spend much time on my appearance. I am willing to blow dry my hair a little, but I only know how to do one thing, and that's roll it under. So I do that, and then let it go do whatever it wants. If absolutely necessary I'll put some shit in my hair to try to make it a certain way or whatever, but that's it. I'm not a glamour girl or a mod girl, and I like to look like a girl and not a robot or a boy. Those are my criteria. And I have straight hair and not willing to curl it. Or straighten it even more. And I don't have the pouty face and not willing to inject my lips. And I'm scared of bangs, mostly because they are hard to grow out.
So, given all that, any of these you like?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Dream
Had to add this. Remembered on the bus this morning I had a dream not only about a nuclear bomb going off (yeah, freaky) but also about standing next to a guy who was pissed that I moved into his 'space', and my head was level with his butt, so he farts twice into my face. After the first one I said it didn't matter because I had older brothers. And also, I didn't inhale through my nose.
I didn't think there'd be a dream interpretation of farting, but the first thing I found was: To dream that you are farting, suggests that you are being passive aggressive. You need to express your feelings in a more direct manner. So if I dreamed someone else was farting at me I think that person is being passive aggressive? Hm...
And nuclear bomb: To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness, being threatened and loss of control. You may be experiencing great hostility and rage to the point of being destructive. Alternatively, you may be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. It may also be an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended and important changes are about to occur.
Innnnnnteresting.
I didn't think there'd be a dream interpretation of farting, but the first thing I found was: To dream that you are farting, suggests that you are being passive aggressive. You need to express your feelings in a more direct manner. So if I dreamed someone else was farting at me I think that person is being passive aggressive? Hm...
And nuclear bomb: To dream of a nuclear bomb, suggests feelings of helplessness, being threatened and loss of control. You may be experiencing great hostility and rage to the point of being destructive. Alternatively, you may be expressing a desire to wipe out some aspect of yourself. It may also be an indication that something crucial and precious to you has ended and important changes are about to occur.
Innnnnnteresting.
No longer our home
Found out yesterday that my ex might be throwing a going away party for a mutual friend B who's moving to CO in a couple weeks (it's the guy who did my plumbing). My first instinct is to not go (yes, I know I'm going to be invited). I can barely be there when it's only me and him. The idea of being in that house which is now HIS home and not being a co-host freaks me out. I can't see me having a good time. But then, I wonder if I'm supposed to suck it up and go for the good of the whole, whatever that might be. I know my friend B wouldn't care one way or another if I went (I think). So, thus I struggle with listening to what I feel (NO) to what my brain says (WAIT A MINUTE). I know there'd be fallout to deal with after the party (meaning a meltdown on my part), but maybe I need to just change my attitude and say, well there doesn't HAVE to be fallout? Sigh. This is why I have a therapist.
What's funny is that friends who told me to not spend time with him, etc. are now defending him. Isn't that the way life goes? One friend told me to be nice to him when I bitched to her about him not letting me see his parents. Another says oh it's nice he's reaching out to you and wants to be your friend when he calls me a couple times last weekend. All of which is true, but dammit, can't it be black and white?
What's funny is that friends who told me to not spend time with him, etc. are now defending him. Isn't that the way life goes? One friend told me to be nice to him when I bitched to her about him not letting me see his parents. Another says oh it's nice he's reaching out to you and wants to be your friend when he calls me a couple times last weekend. All of which is true, but dammit, can't it be black and white?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Global Warming Impacts Lettuce
The iceberg lettuce in my Sunday leftovers was limp. Maybe acid rain caused it?
eye don't get it either
Did you know that some people who wear contacts can paint a ceiling, get spatters of paint on their contacts, and wear them for the rest of the evening with no problems?
Taking care of me
OK, no biking, climbing, or training this week to help heal hand and side. Day 2 and trying not to go nuts.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Some photos for you
Let's see if I can remember!
Fish in the lobby of my building.
A boy I made a quilt for when he was a baby, and only just recently got my requisite photo.
The love of my life - Billy Boy.
A new craft I'd like to learn - rug hooking.
Fish in the lobby of my building.
A boy I made a quilt for when he was a baby, and only just recently got my requisite photo.
The love of my life - Billy Boy.
A new craft I'd like to learn - rug hooking.
Angry Monday
I'm angry that I have pains that won't go away. But they likely won't go away because I won't rest my body.
I'm angry because I'm going to a chiro but I don't believe they really will help and are one of those that just want to string you along and I have add yet more dr's appointments to my week.
I'm angry because on Sat. I spent $85 on an amazing 1 hour massage from a former butcher (I love saying that) and I hurt 2 hours later.
I'm angry because I have cut way down on communication with my ex so that he's actually instigating communication, it's been so long, and it makes me sad.
I'm angry because life isn't black and white and I have to constantly make decisions that I don't know if they are right.
I'm angry because I'm alone and have noone to express my anger to except me in this blog. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it'll all be ok someday.
I'm angry because I want to be #1 in someone's life and not #2 or 3 or 4 or 5. But I guess that someone has to be me.
I'm angry because I'm angry and I don't know if it's PMS, or mood swings.
And then it turns to crying.
There there. It will all be ok.
I hope so.
I'm angry because I'm going to a chiro but I don't believe they really will help and are one of those that just want to string you along and I have add yet more dr's appointments to my week.
I'm angry because on Sat. I spent $85 on an amazing 1 hour massage from a former butcher (I love saying that) and I hurt 2 hours later.
I'm angry because I have cut way down on communication with my ex so that he's actually instigating communication, it's been so long, and it makes me sad.
I'm angry because life isn't black and white and I have to constantly make decisions that I don't know if they are right.
I'm angry because I'm alone and have noone to express my anger to except me in this blog. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it'll all be ok someday.
I'm angry because I want to be #1 in someone's life and not #2 or 3 or 4 or 5. But I guess that someone has to be me.
I'm angry because I'm angry and I don't know if it's PMS, or mood swings.
And then it turns to crying.
There there. It will all be ok.
I hope so.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday Hunt - Up
First off, my azaleas are opening up so I'm getting to see what color they are!
Second, I seem to be dropping my seltzer cans a lot, and when I do, the top pushes up like the below. Makes it hard to drink out of the can, so I have to pour into a glass.
Finally, I look up in my bedroom now, and I see white. It's just the first coat, but I'm so happy I did it, though it makes me want to do the walls NOW. I am so friggin' pooped right now though. This was done after literally 8 hours of working on my kitchen being managed by my friend who can't use his hand or stand, and me yelling at him every time he tried to do something, for his own good. And being stood up by friggin' 5 craiglisters who said they wanted my cabinet doors. And being fed up by trying to find the friggin' breaker that is supposed to turn off the power to the wires sticking out of my wall which were live by the way and which I was going to 'play' with without checking because I thought they were off... OH MY, it's time to go eat dinner.
Second, I seem to be dropping my seltzer cans a lot, and when I do, the top pushes up like the below. Makes it hard to drink out of the can, so I have to pour into a glass.
Finally, I look up in my bedroom now, and I see white. It's just the first coat, but I'm so happy I did it, though it makes me want to do the walls NOW. I am so friggin' pooped right now though. This was done after literally 8 hours of working on my kitchen being managed by my friend who can't use his hand or stand, and me yelling at him every time he tried to do something, for his own good. And being stood up by friggin' 5 craiglisters who said they wanted my cabinet doors. And being fed up by trying to find the friggin' breaker that is supposed to turn off the power to the wires sticking out of my wall which were live by the way and which I was going to 'play' with without checking because I thought they were off... OH MY, it's time to go eat dinner.
Friday, May 1, 2009
When I shouldn't care
So, Tuesday I purposely decided not to care about something.
Long story is that during my trip to Joshua Tree at Thanksgiving, a friend of M's (we'll call him Exhibit A) and I got along very well (everyone noticed). Nice guy, good climber, young (36-perfect age), good looking. So I had high hopes of getting together to climb on various trips, and we'd fall in love and get married. OK, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I did have a crush.
And a crush means that you care what the other person thinks about you, and whether or not he writes to you. Which he didn't really - once or twice, but that's it. I wrote about doing a climbing trip, and he said yes, but he never followed up on it even when I asked twice. So I wrote him off, until M said the Exhibit A was really bad about communicating with anyone. OK, so, that was good info to know (and not a point in his favor, but oh well). And M had also said when I was whining about not having anything to do for a vacation that a lot of times people in general like to just hitch onto other people's plans.
So I found out that there were 1/2 price tickets to San Francisco, which Exhibit A lives near. And as you know I'm desperate for climbing partners and climbing trips. So, I decided to buy a ticket to San Francisco, and if worse came to worse, which isn't really a worse, I would spend time with my friend B who lives there, or whatever, go camping by myself. So, I got Exhibit A's phone number from M, which happened to be his work cell phone, and I called to see if he wanted to climb on the weekend I'm going out.
Good thing I really didn't care what he said, since it literally took him 3 minutes to figure out who I was, even after giving him lots of cues, etc. I just laughed. But he's supposedly up for climbing, which would be great. And if plans change last minute for some reason, no big deal. I won't be crushed. And this is the best way to be, at least about these things.
[sigh. both underwear and bra were not in my pack]
Long story is that during my trip to Joshua Tree at Thanksgiving, a friend of M's (we'll call him Exhibit A) and I got along very well (everyone noticed). Nice guy, good climber, young (36-perfect age), good looking. So I had high hopes of getting together to climb on various trips, and we'd fall in love and get married. OK, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I did have a crush.
And a crush means that you care what the other person thinks about you, and whether or not he writes to you. Which he didn't really - once or twice, but that's it. I wrote about doing a climbing trip, and he said yes, but he never followed up on it even when I asked twice. So I wrote him off, until M said the Exhibit A was really bad about communicating with anyone. OK, so, that was good info to know (and not a point in his favor, but oh well). And M had also said when I was whining about not having anything to do for a vacation that a lot of times people in general like to just hitch onto other people's plans.
So I found out that there were 1/2 price tickets to San Francisco, which Exhibit A lives near. And as you know I'm desperate for climbing partners and climbing trips. So, I decided to buy a ticket to San Francisco, and if worse came to worse, which isn't really a worse, I would spend time with my friend B who lives there, or whatever, go camping by myself. So, I got Exhibit A's phone number from M, which happened to be his work cell phone, and I called to see if he wanted to climb on the weekend I'm going out.
Good thing I really didn't care what he said, since it literally took him 3 minutes to figure out who I was, even after giving him lots of cues, etc. I just laughed. But he's supposedly up for climbing, which would be great. And if plans change last minute for some reason, no big deal. I won't be crushed. And this is the best way to be, at least about these things.
[sigh. both underwear and bra were not in my pack]
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