Thursday, February 5, 2009

Profundity

My trainer was yabbering at me yesterday about an episode of the Mentalist that focused on the death of a rock climber, and about a woman that was hanging with the guy climbers, and was seen as one of the guys. I said that wasn't a bad thing. He retorted that if I ever liked some guy, he'd still only see me as one of the guys. I'm not sure that's true, but my reply was that I'd rather have a climbing partner than a boyfriend. I don't have either, and that's what I'd prefer.

I was honestly a bit surprised to hear that come out of my mouth. And it is the truth. I'm dealing more with reworking my personal life/friends and want to figure that out. A boyfriend, meh.

Don't get me wrong. I want to love again. I want to be in GREAT relationship next time. But man, I gotta work out all the crap that's left over from my divorce. And people have to get to know me first before they'd be willing to deal with all the shit I have attached to me.

Below was what I wrote when I was feeling down a week or two ago.
My Match.com profile:
42 y.o. divorced female with herpes and bipolar 2 seeks...
I shouldn't even bother with any more words, since noone would get past the first 9...
Can you see why I'm not doing any online dating sites? I wouldn't respond to any either, since I think these site assume cleanliness, which I'm not, and it's almost like leading someone on by even interacting with them.
Whatever.

I'm back in the now. I'm not sure I feel much different than that. But at least right now I don't feel bad about it. I'm not letting it define me. Of course, talk to me next week. I'm sure it'll have changed.

12 comments:

Mel said...

You do realize this is 'normal', right? You realize it's all a part of the whittling away of what's important and what's not, right?

If you don't--lemme assure you.....it's perfectly okay to be where your feet are. And the waffeling back and forth about what defines you--normal. I trust that you'll come to embrace the stuff that's good and true about you......in your own time.
Until then--we'll embrace it for you.

*hugs*

M. Robert Turnage said...

You are more than your labels. IJS.

craig andrew said...

I would rather have a companion than a spouse any day of the week. In my opinion, if our society chooses to move forward, more people will begin to think like that. Why not look for a climbing partner on Match.com? After all, if you don't play, you can't win. C;)

Susan said...

I'd date you. I mean, if I were a dude. ;)

Tara said...

Nothing wrong with wanting to sort through thoughts and your life before jumping back into the boyfriend scene.

I always wonder how truthful I could be on those match sites. It's bad enough that I put down I was very shy. I'm sure that really boosted my profile up.

Pamela said...

Mel, I really don't know what's normal anymore. But thank you!

MRT - IJS? And don't ask me if I'm INTJ or whatever.

Craig - hmm... I guess I could do the climbing partner thing.. Maybe not on match, but somewhere else.

Susan- {} you're the best. ;-)

Tara, yeah, there's nothing wrong. I'm just a very impatient gal.

DBN said...

As far as I recalled, you showered frequently, so I would take offence from someone,e ven your self, calling you "not clean." You may have a STD but that does not make you unclean, or its synonimous, dirty.

laura b. said...

I always remind myself how no one can love me until I love myself. Which I know is corny, but true. And I could definitely feel better about myself. So, until then, I am with you. It is just about getting out there and meeting new people.

The CEO said...

I keep telling you that you can date me and the wife. I don't think I'd make a good climbing partner with two herniated discs, but we can do a little tai chi.

And, I'll be glad to boil you in a little lilac if that'll help. lways glad to help out.

BTW, Mel's right, and normal is a curve.

Churlita said...

Your trainer is whack. I've always been a "one of the guys" type of girl, and I've never had a problem getting men. I know tons of guys who want a woman they can do all the stuff they like to do AND have sex with. The problem for me is finding a guy who I can stand to hang with on a permanent basis is tough.

As far as your dating site is concerned - you can phrase things a little differently. We all have our shit. You're not the only one.

Pamela said...

DBN, fine. OK, fine... sigh.
Laura, loving yourself sucks. Meaning, it sucks trying to get there...
Monty - yeah yeah yeah.
Churlita - I generally agree. I thought it pretty odd coming from someone who likes women to be muscular (I think).
We'll see if I come up with a real Match.com or whatever posting...

Tera said...

Yeah, what MrT said.