Staring at a spoon

I noticed that on the convex side, my reflection is right side up. On the concave side, it's upside down. Neat trick whoever invented that spoon.

My name is NoRegrets, and I have a fabric problem

I can't go into a fabric store and NOT buy something. Even though I have no immediate use for it. So, if say, a store is moving and everything is 50% off, then there is going to be something I will buy.

Like this (it's sheer):


Or this (sheer also - flash is bouncing off the floor behind it):


Or this (semi outlined in gold):


And finally this (cotton):


I justify it by saying I'll use it someday. And I will...hopefully. In the meantime, I begin my search for a 12-step program for fabric-buying.

PSA - Free Krispy Kreme Donut if you Vote

FYI - Commando

Counter has been updated. I need to leave not only bras, but underwear here too.

Let them eat pie

Today or tomorrow is my friend's birthday. The one who does my plumbing. He is a self described curmudgeon, so he likes sour things. So I made him a pie (my first here at this house!). It has 'fresh' sour cherries (were fresh, threw them in the freezer a month or two ago), one Stayman apple, and four small Empire apples. No sugar. Oops, about a tablespoon or two of honey. I thought maybe the apples would have enough sugar to counterbalance the cherries, and they might, but likely I'm gonna need the vanilla ice cream. My other friend is making dinner for him/us since her husband is out of town. And we're going to have a threesome. [that was for you Susan] My ex might show up too.

Pitting the cherries one by one tonight, I saw the opening to Obama's half hour infomercial. Sorry, I just didn't want to watch it. I did at one point click by the Spanish station, and he was there too, speaking in Spanish reasonably well, which I thought was great.

Here's the next stage of the kitchen. We're still not sure if the dishwasher works (did I tell you I got it at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore for $40?) because we have to find a way to connect the water. But I love my faucet!

What was I writing in Oct 2006?

From my old, never shared with almost anyone, blog.

# posted @ 8:28 AM 0 comments
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Biggest Irony
Sitting in front of the tv watching The Biggest Loser while digging through a big tub of chocolate chip cookie dough picking out the chocolate chips.


# posted @ 8:28 AM 0 comments
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Inflation
Chock Full O' Nuts used to be the better coffee a millionaire's money can't buy. Now it's billionaire. Just heard it on the radio this morning.


# posted @ 6:39 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Extrabucks
Being the child of a depression-era mother, I get really excited when I save a lot of money or get a good deal. So, last week, CVS had some eye solution on sale and for each one you bought you would get $4.00 extrabucks back. Since the solution lasts until 2008 usually, and both my husband and I use it, I bought a bunch. I didn't think I bought 18 of them, but maybe I did, since yesterday I got $72 extrabucks back. :-) The employees of the CVS were amazed - it must be a record. So last night I went on a 'shopping spree' and spent all that and more (which is likely what they are counting on), though most of what I bought was on sale.

Yikes, I sound like my mother after grocery shopping...

It's beginning

So, just came back from my psychiatrist. We'll start tomorrow with the new meds.

I was wondering if this was all worth it. Because my major life events have gone by, and perhaps I'd need less medication anyway. And I found out that sometimes, if the deathly rash starts, you can't stop it and even if you stop the meds you could die. How scary is that? But the slower you go, the less likely to get it. And we're starting really slowly. And I remember what it was like to feel depressed and I don't want to live another day like that if I can help it. I've completely embraced the 'better living through drugs' mantra. And I have health insurance, which makes a huge difference, obviously. (though right now I'm in that nowhereland of being off my ex's insurance and mine not yet processed, though it will be retroactive to the divorce - scary)

I've been going to her for four years. Wow. It's like a blink of an eye. And the emotional chaos I've gone through really did not help my marriage, but not having it likely wouldn't have saved it either. But it's kinda good to have something to blame for the divorce that was 'beyond our control'. The six years of our marriage, now gone, was like a blink of an eye also. Time truly does speed up the older you get.

So, working through this, I'm still comfortable with what I'm doing. I'm currently taking THREE medications, and only taking one would be a relief. And there could be a time in the future that I try going off of that one, to see if I can live a life without drugs.

What does the NRA think of this?

WESTFIELD, Massachusetts (AP) -- An 8-year-old boy died after accidentally shooting himself in the head while firing an Uzi submachine gun under adult supervision at a gun fair.

An 8-year-old shot and killed himself with an Uzi submachine gun like the weapon shown here.

The boy lost control of the weapon while firing it Sunday at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman's Club, Police Lt. Lawrence Valliere said.

The boy was with a certified instructor and "was shooting the weapon down range when the force of the weapon made it travel up and back toward his head, where he suffered the injury," a police statement said. Police called it a "self-inflicted accidental shooting."

Freaky Holiday Inn commercial

I don't watch a ton of TV, so when my pregnant colleague told me about this, I had to watch it. She was very disturbed. I was very disturbed. She wants to write to them and say the commercial was retarded. Pun intended.

Nature Moment

Biking to work this morning, I heard first, then saw three ospreys flying around fighting with each other. Luckily I did not get into an accident, as I was looking up watching them while trying to bike.

Since the Mrs doesn't know what they are, here's a cool video of a pair building a nest. You hear the chirps and it's cool how they work together.

Saturday Audio Hunt - Burn

Sorry, though I have access to a camera, I had to put this in.

Bus vs. Bike

Ok, so tell me if I'm in the wrong or not. I was biking to work, and as usual I had to change to the middle of the two lanes before this one light, since the right lane is right turn only in the morning. The cop had told me to do that. At the next light, before the light, a bus had stopped to pick someone up. The light was green. I went to the left of the bus, ie the middle of the road, to pass the bus. The bus toots his weak little horn and stops like I've inconvenienced him. Then as he passes me he toots again, and at the next light the light is red and he did something else before he stopped. So, I go to the left and ask the bus driver what his problem is. He was pissed off that I was between the bus and the car. I told him it made no sense that there was a problem because I'm in the friggin' road. He shut his window on me. Oh, that hurt.

So, tell me.

The meds they are a changin'

You all know I'm on medication for depression. Right? I've mentioned in someone else's blog that we (my doctor and I) have been trying to figure out for years if I have Bipolar II disorder.

From the website link above: Bipolar Disorder has many variations. Bipolar II is one of them. You'll read here about those forms which do not have "mania" to make them stand out or easily recognizable. Depression is the main symptom, including especially sleeping too much, extreme fatigue, and lack of motivation. What makes bipolar depression different is the presence of something else as well. But that "something else" often does not look anything like mania: "hypomania", which you'll learn about here, can show up as huge sleep changes, irritability, agitation/anxiety, and difficulty concentrating. And finally, some people can have some bipolarity without any hypomania at all. Really. Wait a minute: isn't there concern about overdiagnosis of bipolar disorder? Yes, we'll talk about that too, after you've learned some basics.

Me again: It's really confusing and quite scary when it's first brought up, which for me was several years ago. Yes, several YEARS. If you read the information you'll understand why it takes so long to make any sort of diagnosis. Of course, I've been on anti-depressants for several years, and when I first started it I was trying to get off it in six months. Patience is required. Which sometimes I don't have a lot of.

But time has gone by, and more and more we (the team of my psychiatrist and I) have come to realize that I likely have Bipolar II. I sit here right now 'humming' and I was just about ready to smack my boss if I could reach her, which I can't because I'm at home. Thank goodness. And it's not normally like me. Last month, I was doing ten billion things a day, and not really tired.

Now, don't start with the what if's and do you really know's. Because I've gone through them for years. I'm finally comfortable with this diagnosis, or at least the possibility of this being my reality. And though I would miss the higher times, being on a medication that makes sense for me will be the best thing overall.

What I'm being put on is Lamictal. It's a scary drug in some senses, because one of the potential side effects is a rash that can kill you. No kidding. So you have to start really slowly. There's other possible side effects, of course, but many people have really good experiences with it, and I'm hoping I'll be one of them. No weight gain, get my sex drive back, etc. The other drugs for this are really no fun, and not sure what I'd do if I had to try something else. I guess I'd have to try some non-medication alternatives then...but not sure I believe in them.

So, cross your fingers for me.

Interesting: Wikipedia lists the following as treatments:
Treatments for Type 2 Bipolar:
Social rhythm therapy - Maintaining a regular daily schedule.
Interpersonal therapy - Acceptance of the illness.
Behavioral therapy - Limiting toxicants like alcohol, maintain a healthy body by exercising.
Cognitive Therapy - Relying on only positive, helpful thoughts.
Psycho Education - Learning about the disorder.
Light therapy - Light therapy used mainly for the depressive symptoms.
Family-focused therapy - The family acknowledges the disorder and helps

New countertops

Why I am working from home today. These were installed. They look so out of place now. But, do you like them?? I do. Oh lord, it was a lot of money.

Lobsterific

It wiggles. It waves. It wishes you a good day.

Real Lesson Learned

To fix a leaking pipe - turn it on and off 4-5-6 times, the last time letting some water come out. This will re-seat the seals.

Seems I need to do this with my main water shut off. Right now that's turned to off and I still have water all in my house.

As I said before, damn, I really need a plumbing class. And thank goodness for cell phones, so I was able to get an answer.

Photo (from a plumbing site that he doesn't say what state he's in!!)

Lesson Learned

Do not disconnect your sink and then leave it for 2.5 days. There might be a slow leak that will drip into the basement and wreak mild havoc.

Damn I need to take a plumbing course.

Chat with my 79 year old mother

I call her up...
"Oh, I was just thinking of you. How are you?"
Oh, I'm ok. The divorce is final - went to court on Tuesday.
"Oh, well..."
And that was after climbing with him the entire weekend.
[surprised amazed chuckle] "It's certainly different these days"
Yeah. And I talked with FirePat this week for the first time in 8 years, for almost an hour and a half. He was calling to help me with some house issue. Seems I have a gaggle of men willing to help me on the house.
[laughs]"Oh, you're a hot one. You always make me laugh."

I really should tape one of these conversations and write them down word for word/noise for noise. She's 79, and thus has certain ideas about how life and relationships should be, and I always seem to be breaking the rules, per se. Luckily she just finds it amusing and is not one to chastise me at all. Which is why I tell her the way I tell her. I like to shock and amuse her. And let me just say I do not at all take these 'gaggle of men' for granted. I am very very grateful for everyone's help. They are all good friends.

And I may as well tell why there's a FirePat. I've noted before in other people's comments that I've had a string of Pat's. Five to be exact, which leads me to believe I should have married a Pat. But anyway, there's Little Pat (high school), Big Pat (knew him in high school and he was bigger than Little Pat, but he turned into Old Pat because he was a friend in high school, boyfriend in college, partner in Zimbabwe, and then friend again), French Pat (my junior year abroad fling), POS/Roses Pat (POS stands for Piece of Shit - he was post graduate school when I was living at home and temping, and I told him I didn't want to date him but he sent a dozen roses to the house at Thanksgiving time when the whole family was there, and when I found out who they were from I said 'what a piece of shit' because he didn't listen to me. of course, being who I was, I ended up dating him even though I really didn't want to), and FirePat (volunteer firefighter seven years my junior who I started dating when I moved to my current state and with whom I had several on again off again times with the last one being sure for both of us that we could never live together but we care about each other very much - and who has been living with a woman for years).

So, there you go. I won't be blogging until Tues late evening the earliest. Conference... have fun!

Saturday Hunt - Nuisance

I wondered this morning what would come to mind. Well, now that I've taken away my kitchen sink and thus have no water there or place to wash dishes, I've realized what a nuisance it will be until I get it back! Which won't be for at least another week. (Countertops get installed Thurs. And then I have to wait for my friend to have time to do the plumbing.)

I had taken some pictures of my nasty bruised legs, and here you go. It's a little bit of a nuisance since I can't wear short skirts, but not as bad as during the summer when all I want to do is wear skirts. My, aren't those fleshy white thighs... Really, there's muscle under there. I swear.

Early Morning Musings

I wake now before the sun comes up. My body likes to wake early if it just does it once on purpose. As I lay there, I realized that part of the grief is giving up on the American Dream. Or my American dream. The husband, house, children thing. How I envisioned my life, or thought it should be. Now I have to develop a new vision. I'm too worn out to do it right now, but something will come.

Obviously I feel a bit better. And life goes on. Always will.

I feel like the Easter Bunny

We had a meeting this morning and provided breakfast. Our director had mentioned that it would be nice to have some protein, so suggested boiled eggs. That was interpreted as 2 boiled eggs per person, each peeled and in their own little container. So, now I have two dozen eggs to go distribute to homeless people. There'd be two more if the UPS woman in the elevator didn't respond to my offer with 'sure! I love boiled eggs'.

Update: Well, there are some picky homeless people out there. Which is fine. And you know, it's harder to figure out who's homeless than I thought. I found some in the regular spots, but beyond that, you don't want to assume... I gave up and went to the pack of bike messengers who quickly dispatched with the remainder. One did say he'd rather have me. I unfortunately did not have a witty rejoinder... Tell me what I should have said.

Life goes on

Yesterday I felt like I didn't want to be around anyone.
Today I have to be, since I'm at work.
Life goes on.
My brain still hurts from crying, as do my eyes.
But things are better.
I've been grieving for 6 months so it's no wonder this process is taking less time than I expected.
The grief is still there, but life goes on.

Being the frugal wench that I am, my version of therapy shopping is at Goodwill.
My eyes might hurt since I read an entire book yesterday, which I bought at Goodwill.
The book was The Wedding Day - Kind of a British version of a romance novel.
The moral was to marry who is right for you, not choose according to some rules.
I thought that was a good moral.

I also hacked away at some of my kitchen floor. Destroy. Destroy.
Managed to hit an outlet with a metal thing.
Sparks flew. The outlet died. I didn't.
Resetting the breaker didn't work.
Luckily I have a 'husband' in my friend M, who I can call to ask what to do.

I tried to cancel my training for today.
My trainer is a loudmouth opinionated New Jersey-ite.
We get along well, but I didn't want to hear his shit about my life.
He made me come in.
He made me cry.
But I also go stretched, so it kinda made up for it.

I washed my climbing ropes yesterday.
Dried them outside.
I didn't write about my climbing.
Or show you my bruised legs.
Maybe tomorrow.

I'm going to go lie on the floor to ease my full head.

Then I'll get up and life will go on.

Corrolary

Ah, but is it better to have been married and been divorced than never to have been married at all?

I'm at home, crying intermittently. Not sure when I'll get back to blogging. Don't feel like being around people, virtual or real. Just figured I'd say I was alive.

Hang tough.

Birds and Clowns and Tumors

Yesterday biking to work I noticed a hawk on a telephone wire (on a side street). It was so close I stopped and turned around to look. There was much screeching by blue jays, and I noticed a bunch of blue jays in a big tree behind the house. I've never seen blue jays in a flock. The hawk jumped over to a fence that went between the two properties with high bushes. Then he flew into the bush and I could not see him, but a small bird flew out and away in a hurry.

So, I'm away climbing this weekend until Monday night. With my ex-ish. Using two tents. And Tuesday am I go to court to finalize the divorce. Yes, odd. Yes, might create some drama. Am I a clown? Sadomasochistic? Maybe.

Just checked a blog of a friend/acquaintance. She's recently married to a man she had rediscovered after a long time apart, and he's diagnosed with Grade 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor. How sad. Prognosis is bad (51 weeks average survival after diagnosis). But truly I believe it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I hope it does not come to that for them; though signs point to that, miracles can happen.

(Susan's comments made me add this. Would be nice to be able to sing it someday.)

Religulous

So, last weekend I saw the film Religulous, which is Bill Maher's take on the current state of world religion. If I hadn't paid money for it, I wouldn't have sat through it. Not because it was bad. Not because it made me think. But because it made me uncomfortable, at times immensely so.

I'm not sure how aggressive Bill Maher normally is, but MAN was he aggressive in this movie. Which serves a purpose, an important purpose - to challenge institutions which are not challenged frequently enough. I think there's many important questions to be asked about world religions, and he asks many of them in this movie, and makes some interesting points and challenges some ridiculousness.

What I don't agree with is when he ridicules an individual because of his/her belief, which at times he does in this movie. This for me detracted from the main points he was making about religious institutions and the leaders of these institutions, and also was just plain rude. But I guess rudeness is the basis of half of comedy, which is why many people laughed in the theater.

My friends and I had much discussion about the movie afterwards. It's stated in the movie that there are only about 16% declared agnostics/atheists in the world, and I think maybe 1% (likely much less - .01%) of those might see this movie, and likely noone else. Bill Maher is angry about this subject and it comes across. There are some funny parts, but truly this is a movie about crazy religousness, and really in his opinion, all religion is crazy.

This premise made me uncomfortable. Because no matter what, I was born and raised a Catholic and was pretty religious until I was in 7th grade. It doesn't go away easily - things get into your system and don't come out.

One time while living in Germany we went on a trip to Italy. The headmaster of the school was Jewish (imagine that) and we were visiting a church. He went up onto the podium up front and even over to where the chalice was and my instinct was to tell him to get off - to me it was like someone was scraping fingernails on a blackboard. He looked at me bemusedly but did step down. The thing is, to the inner me it was a space reserved for the priests, and his curious meanderings were not right. Just as some of the things that came out of Bill Maher's mouth in the movie were not right. I caught myself often with my arms crossed and my legs crossed and very tense, and I'd struggle to let it go and just take it in. Which I did to the extent possible. Perhaps it's like when you're getting a semi-friendly divorce. It's ok if I say bad things about my ex-ish, but if others do, I defend him.

I think I need to see the movie again, so maybe I can listen better. I would definitely suggest seeing it.

Candy Bars

An email conversation between me and some computer geek regarding installing some vending machines at the office:

Him to entire staff:
Be careful, you don't want to hire any Goobers to install that thing. You should talk to either Clark, Mr. Big, or Mr. Goodbar on 5th Avenue (but only After Eight) I understand any of them would do it for 100 Grand. One tip: smear a Bit 'O Honey on the floor before sliding it back, otherwise it might Breakaway. If you get it stuck, you might be able to pry it loose with that, um, Whatchamacallit you know, a Wonka Bar.

Me to him:
Oh Henry! Kudos to you for the Mounds of ideas. I've also heard the Girl Scouts have a group, the Junior Mints (leader whose nickname is Peppermint Patty), who will, 'twix and 'tween their cookie selling, be willing to move stuff (they may offer the whole group, but I'd suggest to only Take Five.). Their Payday has traditionally been Friday. Don't pay them too much though! You might get a reputation for being a Sugar Daddy, with tons of Sugar Babies.

Julie Fowlis

I finally found the piece of paper that said who I saw the weekend before last (but, like Pushing Up Daisies, it seems there has to be an equal reaction - I can't find my keys). Julie Fowlis. Here's her official website. She grew up in the Outer Hebrides, Scotland, which is apparently a gorgeous place. Here's their tourist website. I've put a song below. When I saw her she was much more casual and much more relaxed and really quite funny. The guy on the left (her right) is her husband. What instrument is he playing?

I need to hang upside down

So I can smile.

- court date is set for Oct 14, 9:00 am - will then be officially divorced
- ex-ish is fine without me - developing his own friends
- progress is so slow on the house
- people think I'm a boy
- medication has stripped my ability to have an orgasm
- last day of PMS
- lots of work to do, gotta go.

I'm sure later today I'll be fine. Just needed to list shit.

Saturday Hunt - Dull

Never a dull moment when you're making a hole through a wall... My friend builds to withstand bombs, and to have someone hang on the created top frame of the hole (which is a pass through to the kitchen).

My Top Ten Songs (+2)

A friend had the task assigned to her for an office retreat to list her top ten songs. She sent her picks to a bunch of her friends and invited us to do it. I thought it would be more difficult, but really, it wasn't. Of course, if I start thinking about different genres of music that I like, etc. I get befuddled, but given my middle class white suburban 40-year-old-now upbringing, listing these songs as my top ten isn't too surprising. The reason they were chosen is that they either are fun or have some emotional connection or are just great music and/or great artists, no matter when I hear them I enjoy listening to them, and I think I know all the words to all. I originally had trouble picking #10 so I sent 11, so you have two bonus tracks here (again, I started thinking about diversity, and that got me all befuddled). And if I don't post this now I'll rethink it all and change some, so posting now.

Enjoy, I hope. Music for your weekend.

Little River Band – Cool Change

Michael Hedges – Ready or Not

Grease – you’re the one that I want

Led Zeppelin – Out of the Tiles

Meatloaf – Bat Out of Hell

Rush – Limelight

Kenny Rogers – Gambler

Waterboys – fisherman’s blues

Steve Miller Band – Dance dance dance

Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush – don’t give up


Steve Winwood – higher love

Bonus

Alison Krauss – Down in the River to Pray

Earl Scruggs – Foggy Mountain Breakdown

Briefly

- ok, what are the rules? do I tell you if I forget a piece of my underwear, or just increase the counter? yes, forgot bra.

- it's funny how a piercing scream (from me) in a climbing gym can silence the entire gym. I had a long fall and knew it was coming, so screamed all the way down.

But it was yellow!

Biking to work this morning, light in front of me turns yellow so I gun it (metaphorically, since I was on my bike). I go through and a cop steps out into the street. I thought he was just crossing, but he stops me and starts yelling at me, literally. "blah blah blah, if you're gonna ride in the road, you have to obey the rules. blah blah you would get 4 points on your license blah blah I'll let you go this time" The thing is, I was truly surprised because I thought I had made the yellow. And I was stunned that he was yelling at me. It was kinda like my dad was yelling at me (not that my dad did, but you understand) so I was really upset afterwards, especially since I didn't think I did run a red.

Thing is, I think my nine lives of getting caught and not getting a ticket are almost used up so I think I have to lessen my aggressiveness and be conservative as well as start obeying the rules of the road when I bike. Dammit.

Image

My first car

The first car I ever owned was a wreck that a friend of a friend sold to me for $50 after I returned from Zimbabwe. It was an old yellow Toyota Corolla, and the people who owned it had given it a name and were very emotionally attached to it. They only sold it to me because they thought I was a good person and would take care of it.

Me, I didn't have such an emotional attachment to it, but I did love all of its beat up glory. Mostly because it was intimidating - people got out of my way and ceded to me, because they knew I had nothing to lose if we collided. How did it pass inspection do you ask? Well, there are certain garages which don't really care that if you stomped hard you could put your foot through the passenger floor. Especially at that time in Rhode Island. Given the outside and the inside (which was to some extent my doing) I did give it the name Oscar.

I had many adventures because of that car. Mostly because of when it would break down. One trip to NJ I was bringing some university students with me home for the holiday and I broke down in Connecticut. It was late enough at night that though I could get the car to a gas station but it wouldn't be worked on. It just so happened that one of the people in the car had a friend who lived very close to the highway. So that friend picked two of us up. I remember sleeping on the floor of some dorm room and feeling incredibly lucky, and also so grateful that the passenger was easy going enough to not get upset at me because my car broke down.

Also, my carpenter-guitar-playing-high-school-dropout boyfriend (not putting him down, just what he was) and I and two friends went to see some heavy metal band in the middle of RI. My boyfriend smoked in the car and kept his stash in the glove compartment. And drank. And so did I. And for some reason I decided that he should be the one to drive us all back home. Well, you have a beat up old car and four people coming from a concert with a long-haired dude driving the car, and you go a mile over the speed limit and the cops will pull you over. I opened the glove compartment to get the registration, and oops, there it was. 'Everyone, hands on the ceiling!!' They had my boyfriend walk the line, he failed, he said the stash was his, and they took him off to jail. And my friend drove us home. And I worried all night about my boyfriend so I didn't sleep - got to talk to him the next day and he's happy as a clam because he got a good night's sleep and the cops were nice. PIMFA...

When I bought a new used car to drive across the country, I had to get rid of this old one. My boyfriend could have really used the car, and I should have just given it to him. Instead, I sold it for $100 to someone who likely didn't have the love for it the previous owners had. Poor thing...