He asked as I was walking out the door.
I just looked at him in disbelief.
I'm in shock. And as soon as I'm alone I'll be crying. Do you want me to cry here and now? As tears started coming to my eyes.
No, no. I was just wondering.
I started walking out the door and closed the door behind me as he said, wait.
I waited outside the closed door, backpack and sleeping bag filling my arms.
The door opened.
I'm sorry I asked it like that. Can I give you a hug?
Silently I put the backpack down.
I turned and left without a word.
And started crying hard as soon as I was in the car alone.
I'm so tired, but so wired from all this. I was at the house picking up the separation agreement that's been notarized and initialed by us, and which is now our legal document and we are now pretty much divorced. And all I wanted was a weekend to have fun, and in this small climbing world, I can't escape too easily. So, we'll both be up at the Gunks this weekend. And he has to unexpectedly work tomorrow am and can't go up with the people he was going to go up with so of course I offered him a ride. I mean, it's hard, really hard, but the alternative is feeling like a shithead just for trying to stick to some kind of 'rules' that are out there. I take care of other people to the detriment of myself, sometimes. And this is one of those times. Did it even this morning with my trainer - my time is 11:00 and he had a bunch of people cancel so asked me to come in earlier. And I did, despite the fact that it irritates my boss when schedules suddenly change, and I know that, and then I get stressed. At least I told him that I couldn't do it any more. And he rightly said that I didn't need to do it today. I told him I was just trying to be nice, and he responded that I didn't have to be nice. Damn him and his reasonableness.
My husband just called to check in. I figured I'd ease his mind and tell him that I started crying in the car and cried all the way to the ghetto, and into the house. One guy outside told me I looked very very tired. Yep.
I will have fun this weekend.
Everything will be ok.
MRT sent me this via email - made me laugh quite a bit, thank you!