Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Aren't you even a little bit sad?

He asked as I was walking out the door.

I just looked at him in disbelief.

I'm in shock. And as soon as I'm alone I'll be crying. Do you want me to cry here and now? As tears started coming to my eyes.

No, no. I was just wondering.

I started walking out the door and closed the door behind me as he said, wait.

I waited outside the closed door, backpack and sleeping bag filling my arms.

The door opened.

I'm sorry I asked it like that. Can I give you a hug?

Silently I put the backpack down.

We hugged.

I turned and left without a word.

And started crying hard as soon as I was in the car alone.

I'm so tired, but so wired from all this. I was at the house picking up the separation agreement that's been notarized and initialed by us, and which is now our legal document and we are now pretty much divorced. And all I wanted was a weekend to have fun, and in this small climbing world, I can't escape too easily. So, we'll both be up at the Gunks this weekend. And he has to unexpectedly work tomorrow am and can't go up with the people he was going to go up with so of course I offered him a ride. I mean, it's hard, really hard, but the alternative is feeling like a shithead just for trying to stick to some kind of 'rules' that are out there. I take care of other people to the detriment of myself, sometimes. And this is one of those times. Did it even this morning with my trainer - my time is 11:00 and he had a bunch of people cancel so asked me to come in earlier. And I did, despite the fact that it irritates my boss when schedules suddenly change, and I know that, and then I get stressed. At least I told him that I couldn't do it any more. And he rightly said that I didn't need to do it today. I told him I was just trying to be nice, and he responded that I didn't have to be nice. Damn him and his reasonableness.

My husband just called to check in. I figured I'd ease his mind and tell him that I started crying in the car and cried all the way to the ghetto, and into the house. One guy outside told me I looked very very tired. Yep.

I will have fun this weekend.
Everything will be ok.
Really truly.

MRT sent me this via email - made me laugh quite a bit, thank you!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. You know it'll get better but it's hard getting to that point. I admire you for not telling him to fuck off and get another ride, hope it works out.

heather said...

i'm guessing that comment is reflective of why you're getting the divorce in the first place. if he needs to ask if you're sad, well then, yeah, you are. and he's part of the reason why.

blech, relationships are so freakin complicated. and messy.

some days i wish i was a nun in one of those silent nunneries or whatever they're called.
or rather a guy and a monk in one of the whatever it's called things where they don't talk at all but they do chant. that could be cool. ~if~ i could do it for like a week or so at a time. lol

heather said...

duh, monastery. that's the word i was looking for.

going to bed now. it's too damn late to be up. :)


NoRegrets said...

Thanks OJ.
Heather-yup. And I wish I could live like a Belgian monk and make lots of yummy Belgian beer. mmmmmm

Tara said...

I'm glad he realized what he said to you and apologized. I can't believe he'd ask you that question to begin with during a time like this.

WNG said...

As someone who lives in the ghetto let me just say that it's not a bad place to be when you're sad. Everyone else understands.

That said - I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a great cocktail, but I'll have to just send the mental versions.

That was a pretty manipulative comment - whether he knew it or not. You have no reason to need to prove to him how hurt you are so that he'll feel better. GRRRRRR...

Anyway - please try to focus on you and on at least a little fun this weekend.

Huggles and vodka!!!

Susan said...


Because there are times when you'd rather not have one but in my mind right now is when you need them...

Tera said...

Everything WILL be okay NoR, and I've come to the conclusion that there are no rules for this kind of stuff.

I can't believe the comment, but you know how men are sometimes. What's most fantabulous is that we are and will always be a stronger being than they are!

NoRegrets said...

Tara, yes. At least. It is indeed his trend though.
WNG - I'm starting to use the word ghetto with much more affection. People are indeed very nice.
Susan - you do know what you just hugged me with.

Susan said...

heehhehe....well, nor...sometimes you need a taco hug?

Tera said...

Now don't ya just love that for an ending?!

I love the subtlety too ;-)

WNG said...

Should we all go away so you and Susan can have some special girl time?

laura b. said...

I can't help but admire the way you are staying friends in spite of the pain. I'm sure that in the big picture that is going to pay off.

Churlita said...

I bet he just wanted to make sure you felt as badly about it as he did.

I'm sorry everything is so messed up right now. I swear to god it will get better.